Okay, well, everyone seemed to give me the dreaded answer—I should continue only if I want to. Ouch… you sound like me trying to decide where everyone goes out to eat! (At least Namikaze Artemis honestly just threatened me with assassins!) But fine. I want to. So, I'll update at whatever pace I can. Spring break is next week, so expect an update then. Also, hopefully an update of Fired, Beautiful Friendship, Thirty Ways, Merlin Mixes with Anything, and whatever else I can squeeze into one week. Happy Easter!

Guess what? Guess what a reviewer did for ME? Someone wrote an Ode to Kitty O! Yes, really. And now I shall post it with many smiles… Thank you hypergeek21! (I fixed a few typos. Mind?)

O Kitty O, O Kitty O,

This is my ode to you,

You have written poetry for others,

So I shall write one for you.

I began to read this,

whilst on my revision break.

I did not realise,

How long it would take.

I would like to let you know,

I loved Merlin first,

I loved him in Midnight from the Doctor Who universe.

I suppose we could share him,

If I could have his ears (and smile and everything else- no? Okay then).

Or perhaps we should double date,

I think that would be weird.

Hey, hypergeek, was the last line part of the Ode? I didn't think so, but it might be… Anyway, thanks!

ANSWERS

ONE: Gaius. Actually, I gave the wrong person credit for 'saucery'. It's not PPitP, it's Autumne255.

TWO: Uther. Love the guy to bits. By the way, I realize that what I said last chapter may have been misunderstood. I am in no way 'okaying' what Uther does! Nuh-uh! Nor am I saying I would want Arthur to do it when he becomes king, or that I would do it! I just understand why he does what he does do, and I can't argue with his 'for the better good' decisions. I would never do some of the stuff he does. But that is why I was not born royalty (as far as any of you know. Heehee…). Anyway, in this chapter we'll get more insight as to why I love Uther! Yay!

THREE: Guinevere, as Arthur likes to say. Oh, heavens, it's SO cute when he says that! (TEAM MERLIN I'M TEAM MERLINTEAMMERLIN!)

FOUR: My man Merlin. What's up, Merlin? Or, as my mother's only line in a high school play was once: "Hey you wit' the big ears, whatcha doin' afta the show?" How do I know this? I don't remember…

FIVE: Arty the One Man Party. Hey, by the way, whatever happened to his delinquent friends after episode 1? We never see them again? Oh, I know, did they drop him after I mentioned Mr. Bobo…? Too bad. I wish they would come back so we can see Arthur growing away from such juvenile activities… Like trying to kill random warlocks with maces. Or maybe they got arrested for the pro-magic graffiti? Gasp!

RUNDOWN OF 'THE POISONED CHALICE':

First off: I love you, Uther. Even if every other viewer wants to kill you this episode... Moving on.

I'm going to try to be perfectly honest with you, without having to change the rating of this fic. This episode, though my favorite, is really awkward to watch at times. Why? Well… it's a little like an extended dirty joke. You know: the one with four words in it? That one. I seriously suggest watching this with your friends if you want a really immature giggle. Jussayin'.

Second ep in a row to start with Nimueh. Guess what she's doing? Yep; hocus-pocus. Magic. Saucery. The beginning of a very intricate death plan for Camelot… She's such a drama queen. By the way, I think she has the prettiest neck and collarbones. I'm jealous. Oh, and she's got a cup. Fear the poisoned cup.

Onto Camelot! Apparently there was a war in Camelot that they neglected to mention, and now it's over. That's why these people in blue are coming to Camelot to sign a treaty. King Bayard is their leader, and I think his beard is very manly. Anyway, guess who is with Bayard's servants?

Robert Pattinson!

No, kidding. I think vampire/wizard falls under the category of people not allowed in Camelot. You know, the M-word. Not mongoose, the other one.

It's Nimeuh, duh. She's got an evil plan. And it includes that poisoned cup she had earlier. She sneaks into Bayard's room once Uther is finished with his peace talk blahblahblah, and there she switches the real cup – a ceremonial official gift for Arthur, right next to Uther's (Morgana don't get one) – with her one of doom. Incidentally, this is right after she meets Merlin in the hall, introducing herself by 'falling down' and practically shoving her low-cut dress into his face. Needless to say, he goes googly-eyed. Save me.

Merlin's helping Arthur get ready for some feast, cleaning out some gross old clothes the prince wants to wear ("Did it end in a food fight?" "Don't all feasts?") when Arthur tells him that, as a matter of fact, he'll be at the feast too. Making sure Arthur's cup doesn't run dry. It's quite ironic that Merlin is the one who makes quite sure that the same cup gets empty and stays empty. But Merlin has to wear special "Official ceremonial robes of the servants of Camelot". (Okay, I'm pretty sure Arthur made that up to annoy his servant.) Do you remember what those robes look like? Do you? Do you remember the hat? Or, as we fanfictioners call it, The Hat? I'm sure you do, because frankly, this hat is better than pro-magic graffiti. So Merlin has to wear this feathered monstrosity, and a cape too. And he does not look happy… But Arthur does. Very happy. Nasty Arthur! You won't be so happy in a minute…

So, back to the story. Merlin is in the banquet hall, a ridiculous outfit on. Gwen giggles at him. He spots Nimueh, who he knows as "Cara", looking his way, so he whips off the hat and cape and smoothes down his hair. But she doesn't really care what he looks like, because she has bigger things on her mind. She rushes over and pulls him out of the room when Bayard starts a speech.

Nimueh, after a lot of stuttering and faked hesitation, tells him that Bayard has poisoned Arthur's cup. Seriously, it's a good thing Bayard is long-winded. This whole scene takes WAY too long. And Merlin makes promises he can't keep, by the way. Because… he promises he won't let anything happen to her because of this. But he has to know he could get killed or arrested with what he's about to do, right? He can't protect her if he's dead. Even if he doesn't tell that she told, someone could figure it out.

This is taking too long. Basically, he runs in and says that the cup is poisoned. Morgana is alarmed. Arthur is exasperated. No one but Uther looks too much like they're taking it seriously. Uther decides that Merlin should drink the wine. If it's poisoned, then Arthur's saved. If it isn't, Bayard can do with Merlin "as he wills" (what is he, a ped—*looks at rating* a creeper?) for accusing him falsely. This solves all our problems, except, as Arthur says: "But if it is poisoned, he'll die!"

Thanks, Captain Obvious. And Uther replies: "Then we'll know he was telling the truth!"

I love you, Uther.

The drink goes down the hatch, and after an unnecessarily suspenseful pause where nothing happens, Merlin begins to choke and falls down on the floor. And everyone's like: Oh. (By the way, a Youtube commenter pointed out that as Merlin falls, he has the cup in his right hand. When he hits the ground, it rolls out of his left. Teleportation. Cool.)

So everyone's unhappy. Bayard is arrested. Arthur carries Merlin to the physician's chambers, and Gwen brings the empty cup. Nimueh gets out of there. After a bit Gaius announces there is an antidote, but to make it he needs the Morteaus flower, which was also the poison. (It has the word for death in it! Mort! Clever.) Arthur volunteers to risk his life to go to some cave and fight a monster and get it. Gwen uselessly dabs at Merlin's face. Merlin moans and gasps.

Uther is against Arty's plan, for a very obvious reason: What's the point of saving his life if he immediately throws it away? Arthur says he won't fail, but Uther doesn't care. Arthur says he can't watch Merlin die slowly and painfully (those were Gaius's well-chosen words), and Uther burns him with this rockin' comeback that made me hiss.

I love you, Uther.

And then he says, "You aren't leaving this castle tonight!" Like everyone else, I shouted, "What about first thing in the morning?"

Can we wrap this up?

Arthur goes on his quest anyway, thanks to good advice from Morgana.

Nimueh tricks Arthur into trusting her. It wasn't hard. She just showed up and played the damsel in distress with good directions, and he didn't question the beautiful woman. Prat. She whispers a spell when he's two feet from the flower, on a ledge. And then he ends up clinging with his hands to a tiny lip of a cliff. In full armor.

And then we get SPIDERS. Giant spiders, naturally.

Poor Arty has a fear of those critters after this, because there are like millions that want to converge on him as soon as Nimueh walks away. But Merlin, who is muttering Arthur's name in his sleep and tossing and turning, covered in sweat, manages to do magic in his sleep and sends a light to show Arty the way out of the cave. He also, like an idiot, implores Arthur to leave the flower. (I wouldn't do that. I mean, come on. It's right there… It would stink to leave after all that!)

I hate this scene. One, this should be something that tells Arthur that magic isn't all bad. But noooo… he thinks about that for a while. Within a few episodes, he forgets this. Darn. Also, this is the scene that every single reviewer who cries "OOC!" will reference when trying to tell you that you make Merlin too weak.

If you haven't gotten one of those reviews yet, just wait. It's true.

Gaius figures out who Nimueh was and tells Uther that Bayard is innocent. Uther is not pleased.

Arthur gets the flower and returns home victorious, but is immediately arrested. Worse, no one will bring Gaius the flower! Uther actually crushes it… but we'll get to that in his memo. Gwen sneaks into the dungeon and gets the flower from Arthur in a scene that took me three watchings to get. (Not because I was distracted by Arthur's adorable pout, either, really.) Arthur is actually just trying to sneak Gwen the flower while acting the prat. I think the reason that I didn't get it was because I didn't know Arthur still had the flower… Pop squished in into the ground of the dungeon, remember?

Gwen brings the flower. Gaius sends her away and then uses magic to make the antidote. He does not look as cute using magic as Merlin does. I'm sorry, it's true. They give it to Merlin.

There is another ridiculously suspenseful scene where Merlin is "dead". Yeah, that would have scared me a lot more if the show wasn't, you know, named after him. He can't die in the first season! Merlin wakes up with one of the best lines ever.

Gwen kisses him in relief and excitement. That would be sweeter if the next episode wasn't entitled "Lancelot".

Arthur shares his experience, and Uther cements my love in a scene that no one else ever pays any attention to. He tells Arty that he did the right thing, even if he was disobeying his father, and that Uther is very proud of Arthur. "Never forget that."

I love you, Uther, but it would be cuter if you figured this out before you tried to murder Merlin by withholding the antidote. I have a theory about that, though, that I will share in a moment.

The episode ends with bromance. Arthur stops by to check on Merlin and they tease and thank each other. Merlin then thanks Gaius after Arthur leaves, and they discuss how Nimueh must know about Merlin's powers.

Well, darn.

Finally. Memos.

ONE

Best line: "Sounds like fun."

No, seriously, what happened to your anti-magic graffiti-ing friends? They disappear after episode one… Did Merlin "take care" of them? He seems to do that a lot. Or maybe you outgrew them.

Whatever. You are the total conquering hero of DOOM in this episode! You get to hang from ledges and say lines like, "Finish me off!" and pretend like you're not worried about the person who is about to willingly drink poison! You also get that awesome scene that I didn't get… the one with Gwen.

I also totally loved how you would risk your life to return a favor. Watch that, actually; Morgause might take advantage of it next season!

I have no yelling to do this memo.

(I saw your mouth drop.)

Love,

Kitty O

TWO

Best line, when told that Arthur can't stand by and watch Merlin die: "Then don't look!" Also: "You have to learn that there is a right way and a wrong way of doing things."

Okay, about that last line… Seriously? Indirectly killing someone that you could save no sweat in two minutes… THAT'S THE RIGHT WAY OF DOING THINGS? I really think there are times when you, sir, are more of a plot device than anything. Especially in the first season. I mean, did it ever occur to you that this is Gaius's ward? Isn't Gaius, like, your BFF? Because if I did that to my best friend's ward… Well, she would not be happy. And she's scarier than Gaius any day.

This episode was one of the ones that made me one of your few hard-and-fast fans. You are so ridiculously stubborn that it made me smile.

I think I've figured you out. You think Merlin is one of Cenred's spies, don't you? Don't you? You just can't say it aloud because everyone is always accusing you of being paranoid. Instead, you spend your time trying to get Merlin killed when things like this happen. You figure that'll fix everything. You also keep trying to get Arthur to fire Merlin, but he won't listen. So you hired Geoffrey to keep an eye on them and keep Arthur safe. (Little do you know that Geoffrey is withholding information from you! HAHA!)

I hate to say it, dear.

You're paranoid.

Sincerely,

Kitty O.

THREE

Best line: (feeling Merlin's face) "He's getting hotter!"

Actually, this memo is just so that I can giggle at that line. You did very little this episode. Dabbed at Merlin's forehead. Snuck into the dungeons. Hugged Gaius. Maybe cried a little…

And that's all…

Hey, shouldn't you be with your daddy? His episodes are ticking away…

Truly Yours,

Merlin's GF

FOUR

Best line: "That's disgusting! You should be ashamed of yourselves! You're old enough to be her grandfather!"

No rest for the weary, I guess? It's one life-or-death situation after another around here!

I know you're wondering what the heck I can possibly have to berate you about, as you were dying the whole episode anyway.

I have just a few things to say.

One, does poisoning really hurt that badly? I've never been poisoned, you see, but it looks nasty.

Two, you are just a little adorable when you are running a high fever and very sick. Is that wrong of me to say so?

Three, (and this one is to your actor) did you crack up hysterically while saying these lines? They were obviously written by a dirty-minded seventh grader (the sickest grade there is—no offense to seventh graders! I, personally, was a very nice seventh grader…). Seriously, you co-stars stood off to the side and giggled, right? Because I don't think I could've done that with a straight face. And I don't have a dirty mind!

Four, "Leave the flowers." REALLY? LEAVE THE FLOWERS? We spent this entire episode searching for those flowers, praying he would get the flowers! And… you want to tell him to save himself when he's two feet away? The giant spiders can wait! Selflessness is one thing, but I think I give up on you! (Jk, still love ya.)

With Much Loves and Hugs,

Now Who Else Writes You a Memo Every Episode?

FIVE

Best line: "Sometimes you have to do what you think is right, and [hang] the consequences!"

…Where was that spirit in the end of season 2?

After all, what kind of queen would Camelot want? One who kills people who won't listen, or one who does what her father tells her to?

Think about it,

Kitty

SIX

Sure, go ahead. Have your fun. Poison. Punch. Pelt with Fruit. Look evilly into the camera. You cause chaos and hurt my favorite characters to your heart's content.

I can wait… Because you, witch, have about eight more episodes before you go BOOM.

Pwned.

~ :) ~

By the way, I published a crack oneshot called "Arthur, I'm a Warlock". I know, I'm advertising myself AGAIN, but this one was very popular, so I thought I'd throw that out there. I'll stop now. But I like reviews. As a very wise person once said: "Reviews! OmnomNOM!"

No, wait; that might have been me…