It's like the rolling of a dice.
It was thrown with the hopes of a number, the person hoping against hope.
Then the die landed, unbeknownst that the game was rigged from the start.
The curtains closed, the gambler lost.
The dealer closed his table after another night of embezzlement.
Why did one need the truth, when the lies lay so nicely in everyone's heart?
When did the truth become so important?
When did the dealer grasp remorse, pain…
A love for his victims…
~.~
Enemies.
Lovers.
Hate.
Love.
The words would revolve around the ex-bartender's mind, a whirlpool of feelings coursing through him. Kasuka sat nearby as usual. No, they had not left that apartment. Kasuka for once had taken time out of his work. His fans frantically looking for him while his girlfriend stopped in from time to time to deliver groceries and things for them. Ruri peeked around the corner, being held back by Kasuka.
"I just want to see him!"
"He's… out of it right now… Please understand…"
She looked up at him and smiled, "okay, fine. For now, but he should get up. Doesn't he have a chil-"
Kasuka covered her mouth and motioned to the other room, pulling her away.
The white swirls of the ceiling design entertained those mocha orbs as his hearing traversed the room to eavesdrop into the conversation.
"What about his son?"
"…He did some bad things to his lover, before his son, but… I don't think he's ready yet to face them."
"You are so caring Yuuhei, but speaking as a woman, he needs to get up and go to them. It doesn't matter what he's done. No matter what has happened, he should return to them. He feels remorse. He loves them. If his current state is any indication, no matter what he's done; he needs to voice his feelings. Otherwise, he's going to be going in a circle again and again until something really bad happens…"
"…"
"And there you go being silent. Here I was all excited over you talking more. Oh well~ we can talk later. You beat some sense into that brother of yours. Call me when he's gone, kay?"
I said that I was tired of hearing that I raped him. Shizuo yelled into his own mind. Glaring at the white above. I am tired of waiting for everything to be okay. I'm sick of seeing myself as a monster.
He shut his eyes, holding the white scarf to his chest. His mind flickered to its owner, to the stuttering kid miles away.
I did that. I created him… with Izaya…
I took care of him for a while…
As long as I knew him…
I didn't do so bad…
Monster…
Maybe not now, but soon enough…
You destroyed his trust in you.
He was almost killed…
And so was Izaya…
But that was what you wanted?
No. Shizuo rolled inward, hiding his face into the couch. That wasn't what he wanted. Not anymore. He only wanted peace.
Peace was all he had ever wanted.
Violence though…
It is always there…
He didn't need violence though, he had the choice to avoid violence. He would avoid Izaya and Tsukishima, just as Izaya had said from the start, he would return to his broken home, live out his days…
And what? Grow old?
Get gray hair?
Gain fat?
Where is the monster I have always known?
Where is the brute that chased an informant through Ikebukuro? The monster that stopped Saika's minions and possibly Saika his/herself? He never did find out the end of that mess…
Where is the man that was worth mention? Worth being visible?
Dead, Shizuo bellowed at the voice in his mind, the voice that sounded eerily like Izaya's. He's finally been killed.
Pathetic…
Just leave me alone. Who the hell needs you talking anyway, shut the fuck up and get the hell out of my head before I kill you.
Oh? Kill?
What an interesting term for someone who is claiming that he only wants peace…
Leave.
"Shizuo…" Kasuka's voice came from above him, but was lost to the blond's mind.
Isn't it interesting… A man getting pregnant? Aren't only women supposed to do that?
Don't you find it interesting that Shinra knew nothing about Tsukishima?
God, you are such a fucking annoying conscience…
Sticks and stones…
I would focus though. There is something wrong with this picture, peasant.
Shizuo opened his eyes and sat up, rubbing his head to stop the mounting migraine.
His brother sat reading a magazine nearby, looking up at the sudden movement.
"…How did Izaya get pregnant?"
"…A client."
"Hmm?" Shizuo looked up at his brother.
The actor sighed, putting the magazine aside and lacing his fingers together, his blank face releasing a small sigh. "A man was discussing with Izaya at a private room in Russian Sushi over a baby being born soon. Izaya said it was yours and that he was excited over your reaction…"
"My reaction?"
"…tears…"
Shizuo stared at his brother for a long time as the actor remained still, giving no evidence of life. "…so that's why you were going to kill him."
"…"
Shizuo remained silent a moment longer before rubbing his face in aggravation, feeling the whiskers scraping against his hand. He needed to shave among other things. His gaze flew to the city outside, the buildings in the distance, towards where he knew Izaya and Tsuki would be. "…what the hell do I do, Kasuka…"
Izaya had never been trustable. Hell if his past with the informant was a sign, he should have drove the informant's knife straight through his black heart and personally thanked that cop for tipping him off about his whereabouts.
Maybe taken her to his room…
No…
Not even if he had had Tsuki with Izaya would he have done that. It felt wrong to even consider such a thing. It felt wrong to think of Izaya hurt. His mind was branded with the image of what his brother had done to the informant. The wounds that Shizuo wished he could rip off the man, the bruises he longed to be able to wash away like filth. He didn't want to have their lives be like this anymore.
Ne, and what do you want?
…
He wasn't quite…sure… He didn't want to be away from them anymore. It felt wrong to see the sunrise without Izaya drooling onto his shoulder, without Tsuki nearby. Something felt dead without them, like he was cut from a lifeline, drifting out at sea alone in the dark.
He was tired of the waves of guilt and his resolutions being unfulfilled. He had said he was going to keep Izaya and Tsuki with him. He had gotten Izaya to stay with him… to trust him, even if only for a moment of passion.
You think you can protect them? Care?
Shizuo stood up abruptly, not saying a word as he walked out of the room and down the elevator. He stared at his shabby reflection in the mirror. Ignoring the urge to stop and clean himself up first.
His feet carried him out the front doors of the building, ignoring the stares and whispers of the staff and guests. His determination overrode everything, he was just done with thinking. His thoughts only led him to more and more trouble.
Never had his over-thinking helped him.
So he would just not think about it.
He was going to be spontaneous.
His feet led him to his son, standing at the front doors of the apartment complex of Shinra. His hands still held the scarf in them. His eyes grew somber as they saw the boy shaking, a broken lamppost in his hands.
He didn't see Izaya though…
Where was he?
Why was Tsuki all alone?
…
Shizuo walked all the way up to the boy from behind without thought. His arms wrapping around the child before the kid could grasp what was happening. Shizuo pulled him close and leaned his head against the blond hair, just content holding him close once more.
"…D-dad…" Tsuki looked up at him as Celty leaned back against the building, the tension of trying to stop a rampaging five year old with monstrous strength leaving as she watched Shizuo hug him.
Shizuo kept his hold on the boy and spoke without thinking, without listening to himself. The words flew from his mouth as he allowed himself to be human, to have a weakness and take the risk of being the end of one of Izaya's tricks. "If hugs make the monsters go away Tsuki, you have cured me of mine."
Red eyes looked over a shoulder at him before softening, brimming with tears that were quickly wiped away, "please don't hurt mom anymore…"
"Never again," Shizuo growled solemnly, looking determinedly at his son.
Tsuki dropped the lamppost and turned, wrapping his little arms around the ex-bartender before scrunching his face, "y-your face is h-hairy…"
~,~
A/N: I know! Way to update days later! What the heck have you been doing? …roleplaying Tsugaru in a chatroom and working? Ah, what a wise idea! I don't know quite how I feel about this chapter though. I'm hoping to see everyone's opinion of the reunion of Tsuki and Shizuo…
And see how everyone took the inner dialogue between Shizuo and… well, if you can't figure it out then I'm not telling. XD
Review, my humans. I do enjoy constructive critics and praise.