Chapter 34

Aalekh

It is five months since Naina went missing, five months in which you have woken up every day wondering if this is the day she will come back, if this is the day that she will at least call or send some message that she is fine. Every time you are called to the phone you hope against hope that it is her call, only to be disappointed.

In the end you know they are false hopes, because you understand Naina better than most other people. Once she's made a decision she won't go back on it and this decision has been made after so much pain and humiliation that you know it's possible that she may choose to never come back at all.

You try to visit her parents as often as possible, and call them once a week; the rest of her friends do as well. Of all of you Huda is the most frustrated, unable to cope with not knowing what happened, with not knowing who the father of her child was. You tell him that it's none of his damn business and he should start thinking about how to find her instead.

Because even if it's a crazy idea, you have begun to suspect you know who the father is. You will never say the name, never voice your thoughts aloud because it seems something so impossible that you could never hope to be right. Even as you refuse to admit that it could be the truth, you still wonder. If it was him, then where is he now? Why did he not come for her in her hour of need?

It is in the fifth month after Naina's disappearance that you see Captain Irfan again; he calls you up one day and requests to meet you, so you leave the base and travel down to a small restaurant in a nearby town, spotting him where he sits at a table. He looks better than the last time you saw him, the wounds that had been visible on his face healed. Propped next to his chair is a crutch, and you wonder exactly how bad the extent of his injuries really are.

"You look better," you tell him, "How's your recovery going?"

He shrugs, his gaze drifting to the crutch that sits beside him and a look of frustration passes over his face. "It's… going. There's physiotherapy…. They say that within six months I should be able to walk without the crutch but going back to active duty…"

Somehow you know that he doesn't want your sympathy, so instead of trying to reassure him you simply nod. He has asked to see you for a reason and you wait for him to begin speaking, but he doesn't, seemingly lost in his own thoughts.

You look at the older man thoughtfully before asking your own question, wondering how to phrase it, "All this time that you were missing… where were you actually?"

Irfan shakes his head regretfully, "You know that I can't tell you that. I've come back to life only with great difficulty, and I'd prefer to be able to stay this way."

You are both silent for awhile, thinking your own thoughts, before eventually he speaks up.

"I found out what happened to Captain Ahluwalia," Irfan's tone is low, bitter. "How when they found out she was pregnant they ordered the enquiry, forced her out of the army."

He's angry, seething with it, and you wonder once again whether you're right, whether he's the one that can provide the missing piece of the puzzle, the one who can give you that final clue.

"How did you find out? They've tried to keep it quiet, avoid anybody finding out... they've even classified the disciplinary hearing."

"I have my contacts," Irfan replies, "Usually they can provide me with all the answers, in fact the only thing that they haven't been able to tell me…"

Is where she is.

"If she'd stayed then I could've helped her," Irfan continues, frustration clear in his voice, "I could've done something… provided her with a safe place to go or even…"

"Claimed that the baby was yours?" you ask him, stifling an urge to laugh as he nods. "You wouldn't be the first… I offered to, Yudi offered to… Huda and Abhimanyu Sir didn't dare say it to her so they gave their offers to me instead. You would be the fifth one to want to claim her baby… Naina was right, she was never so popular as when she got pregnant."

Irfan laughs shortly and then shakes his head at it. "Then why didn't she take anybody up on their offer? She could've had a court marriage with them and then dissolved it once…"

"Once the father returned?" you ask sharply, and he does not reply, unable or unwilling to say. "Naina never liked pretense, she never liked to compromise on her beliefs. She wasn't willing to involve anybody else in this."

"I promised that I'd look after her, promised that I wouldn't let any harm come to her," he shakes his head, raking one hand through his hair, "And yet I've failed in everything, no matter how hard I try I can't find her."

"Who did you promise?" Even as you ask it you doubt that he'll say the name but you at least have to try.

Irfan half laughs, half shakes his head as if to once again tell you that you should know better than to ask, so you try a different tactic.

"You know who the father of Naina's child is, don't you?" You ask him, holding your breath as you wait, hoping that you are somehow right.

He nods once, does not put his answer into words that can be held against him.

"And why hasn't he come yet? Why hasn't he come to look for her himself?"

A look of frustration passes over Irfan's face, of the necessity of speaking in half truths, and making up the rest with silences and lies.

"Don't blame him for that," Irfan finally says, "He doesn't even know, and when he comes back… if he comes back…"

He stops.

You can only think about the shift from when to if because if Irfan himself does not know…

"If he comes back?" you ask, leaning forward, preparing to hang onto every word.

"Then they're going to wish that they'd never messed with her." Irfan replies, his eyes flashing with anger. "Because they had promised him…"

"Promised him what?" You break in as he once again grows silent, frustrated with these breaks, frustrated with not finally being told the truth once and for all. "Promised who what? Can't you just tell me…"

But Irfan laughs, a short hollow laugh that has no joy in it.

"Now, do you really need me to tell you that, Captain Aalekh?" he asks, "Because from where I'm sitting it seems that you know perfectly well who it is that I'm talking about."

He has not told you anything concrete and yet you find that your suspicions have been confirmed, that after years of never doubting just what the truth is, you have begun to hope that maybe…

Along with Irfan, even you are waiting for the day when he comes back… if he comes back.

Because you know that unless he does, Naina might never return at all.

Because you know that at this stage… only he can set things right.

You both sit there in silence again, before a sudden thought occurs to you, bringing a half smile to your face.

"She'll be delivering her baby soon." You comment, and Irfan nods as if he had realised it too, as if perhaps that's the reason why he has come to see you after all this time. You wonder what conditions she will deliver it in, whether she will have support, whether anybody will be by her side to help her? After already suffering so much, will she now have to bring a child up alone?

"What was the real reason that you came to see me today?" You finally ask Irfan, "Neither of us is able to tell the other what they want to know… why did you want to see me?"

"Because I'm suffocating under my own silence," he tells you, "And not a single person understands. I've been gone for 7 years and I can't even tell my own parents where I was, and now I've come back to find the person I had promised I would protect is gone and there is nobody who knows the truth besides me." He looks directly into your face then, his gaze briefly piercing yours. "Yours was the only name I was given, you're the only one I've met that has come close to understanding."

You can't help but feel pity for him then, for his enforced silence, for the helplessness that he feels. Both of you are in the same boat, equally as frustrated, equally as useless to achieve what you want to.

"You're right," you tell him, "I do understand… even if you couldn't say the words, I do understand."

Irfan smiles sadly and stands up, leaning heavily on the table to do so and grabbing his crutch.

"Then it was good to speak to you, Captain Sharma… and all I can hope is that in the future a day will come when I can say what I wish, when both of our friends come back."

He walks off then, leaning heavily on his crutch, his limp evident.

Both of your friends…

But will that day ever come?