Chapter 32: For Her

After starting the bath, Spike waited outside the door for the girls to finish. They'd left it unlocked in case she needed help. The sound of water sloshing lulled him into a doze. The word "mom" caught his attention.

Dawn murmured, "Angel said you were in heaven. So you were where mom is. . ."

"I don't really remember it . . . just feelings. I felt loved there. I don't think I could have felt so loved if she wasn't there too."

Spike remembered Angel telling him where she'd been, but he hadn't thought about it until now. Each thought about her resurrection brought a different emotion– joy, grief, regret, shame, anger, relief . . .

Dawn spoke again. "Is that why you did that dangerous spell – because you wanted to go back?"

Spike clenched both fists. He heard something fall in the water, possibly his bar of soap. The water settled.

"Dawn, I'm still half-convinced this is heaven. Seeing so many old faces again . . . there's no place I'd rather be."

"Really?"

"I've been really lost for a long time, but somehow I made it back and I'm not leaving your side. You're stuck with me."

His hands relaxed.

"We forgot towels."

He started to stand. "On it pet!"

Spike couldn't make out their whispers as he walked into the hall, but the sound of the sisters' voices made him smile.

After all their grief and pain, Buffy was home again. She was, once again, a part of them.

After breakfast, Buffy sat on the stoop with Dawn and Connor.

The others were discussing the effects of the spell. She didn't need them to explain what she already sensed: the energy she'd received from Angel and Spike was enough to revive her but not restore her – not fully.

Inside socks and sneakers, her toes felt like ice. Under her sweatshirt, goose bumps covered her arms. Strength and energy – heat- no longer coursed through her. Even more than the hearing and vision loss, she noticed her loss of connection with her surroundings. She knew there was life, magic, danger, power around her. They were in a city. There had to be. But she couldn't sense any of it.

She couldn't remember feeling so . . . unnecessary.

She wasn't a slayer anymore. She wasn't even particularly strong. She was just – alive and loved and home.

She watched the dog walkers pass and the couple and the senior out for a mid-morning stroll.

Dawn looked at Connor. "Do you think you and your Dad will go back to LA?"

He shrugged.

"I saw the fire storm on the news. It looked really bad."

"I've seen worse."

Dawn nodded. "Right, other dimensions, so you weren't where Buffy was. . ."

Looking at the light mist falling, Buffy explained, "We just came back around the same time."

"Weird you guys found each other – good weird."

Buffy looked at Connor. "Meant to meet I guess."

He hung on her gaze. "Do you think I should go back?"

"I think Angel and I need to talk . . . about a lot of things."

Dawn leaned back to watch the mist fall too. "Says a lot that you went to him when you woke up."

"Just kept on following what felt familiar . . . certain road signs, names; figured if I followed the trail eventually I'd find answers."

"Spike and I should have stayed in Sunnydale."

"I don't know. Sounds like you're happy here. Will said one of your stories won a contest."

"It was just a school thing."

Buffy closed her eyes and felt the first full drops of rain. "I like thinking of you safe here all this time. Stories and rain and school things." She smiled. "Sounds perfect."

Connor tilted his head at Dawn. "You still do school?"

"You don't?"

"Connor is learning different stills." Buffy took in a large breath of clean, damp air. "If you want to do more school, Angel can set that up – easy."

Less people passed them by so the rain became the dominant sound. Traffic dwindled, no barking, no murmurs . . . just a low steady rush . . .

Three faces turned upwards and smiled as the growing drops splashed upon their cheeks.

Buffy hummed low in contentment. This moment fell over her confusion like a thick curtain.

Eventually, the door behind them opened.

Giles voice floated out to them. "Angel would like to speak with you."

She knew he wasn't talking to her.

Connor stood. "Alright."

Giles didn't follow him in.

"Buffy, do you feel up to a walk with me?"

She didn't wipe the rain from her face. "Yeah, a walk could be good."

Dawn squeaked. "A short one, right?"

He walked down the stoop's steps. "Just around the block." He helped Buffy up. She took his arm and leaned on him.

Dawn watched them start down the street.

They felt the drizzle fade back into mist. Walking passed stone buildings and iron lamp posts, they felt removed from time. They'd walked through cemeteries together but this stroll was something different. A stroll in daylight, in a soft murmuring part of town, for no reason at all . . . this, they hadn't done.

"I failed you Buffy." Giles matched her small slow steps. "I should never have left."

"You came back for mom's funeral and for Dawn. I remember when I called for help, you always came."

He squeezed her arm. "You shouldn't have had to call."

She leaned more against him. "Kinda impossible to be grudgy at someone who just saved my life."

"You were abandoned but never forgotten – not by anyone."

"I can't believe Xander did dark magic."

"It's my understanding both his partner and Willow's participated as well."

"I barely knew them."

"When it comes to easing a loved one's suffering, we're all capable of reckless actions."

They both sighed deep.

"I'm not a slayer anymore."

"And I'm not a watcher."

She nodded against his shoulder. "I think I'll like not fighting."

They rounded the final corner. Up ahead law a now empty stop.

When they reached it, Buffy sat down. "I'm going to stay out here a bit longer."

Giles nodded and paused a moment before returning inside.

Leaning back against the steps, Buffy watched the sky shift: clouds moved, light dimmed and street lamps came on one by one.

Before she met Connor, she spent most days and nights alone. She learned to prefer silence, to cherish it. She followed him and since then the noise, the questions, doubt, fear, they wouldn't stop.

Now, the fear dissipated, doubts eased, questions were answered – but the noise . . . She didn't know if she could change back. She'd said more today than she had in her whole time back.

Her throat felt rough and the expectations inside this flat felt heavy. So many words – did they really need so many words? . . . She wanted to sleep out here.

She watched Spike help Giles and Willow into a cab.

She watched Angel and Connor stroll down the stone walk towards a hotel.

She felt Spike crack open the front door and deposit a mug. "So you stay warm love." She could smell mint. Eventually, she reached back and cuddled the tea.

She didn't know if she could be a part of the world again, but for her family, she could try.

Three months later . . .

Buffy lay on a park bench watching the twinkling sky.

"Dawn and Spike said I'd find you here."

"mmmm."

"Can I?"

She nodded.

Angel sat on the ground and leaned back against eh bench. He looked up at the stars resting his head on her hip.

"You look different."

"So do you."

"I let Dawn dress me. So this is what a night professor looks like then?"

"Connor tell you about that?"

"He left out the tweed."

He chuckled. "Rupert asked me to uphold the institution's standards and traditions. Least I could do after he got me the job."

Silence cloaked them for several minutes.

She glanced at him. "Any regrets?"

"I sometimes wonder what battles I'd be fighting if I still had my strength . . . what my last fight would have been. But this life . . . this feels like destiny too."

"Spike is sure it will return someday."

"A couple decades, a couple centuries – anything can happen." He met her eyes. "We went in that pond ready to do anything for you. Being the weakest vampires on the block is nothing –nothing compared to the hells we'd suffer for you."

When she held out her hand, he reached up and held hold it. They both squeezed tightly.

She looked back up at the sky without letting go. She whispered, "Angel w-w-ill you stay with me?"

"As long as you'll have me Buffy." Turning, he placed a firm kiss on her hand.

Their eyes found each other and locked.

Stars reflected in her teary eyes. "Always."