and I don't know if I've ever been really loved

by a hand that's touched me,

well I feel like something's gonna give

and I'm a little bit angry

Elliot leant against the door of the room for a second, allowing heavy lids to slide shut as she took a second to feel how tired she was. Everything in her wanted to collapse and sleep for days and days but she didn't have that luxury. The sun would be up soon; then she'd have several hours during which time Eric would not be able to come after her and they were the best chance she had at a clean break from everything. She wouldn't have to say goodbye, or explain herself, or summon the energy to scream at the vampire the way she wanted to; she could just turn and run, the way she always did.

"Elliot?"

It was Sookie, hurrying down the corridor towards her. It took Elliot a too-long moment to realise that the reason the blonde looked so worried was because she'd slid down the door somehow, floating on the blissful numbness that was not quite sleep but not quite reality. She jerked upright, shaking her head a little and flattening both palms against the floor so she could push herself up. She gave a small, apologetic smile and swiped a hand over her face to try and clear away some of the fog the need for sleep had poisoned her mind with.

"Sorry," Elliot said in a slightly raspy voice, clearing her throat. "Guess I dozed off for a second."

Sookie's eyes were wide and her face showed a multitude of emotions as they paraded over her features in turn; worry, regret, sorrow, guilt, others that Elliot couldn't define until the waitress settled with a mix of several that left her with tight eyes and a tighter mouth. "I'm glad you're still here, actually," the woman confided, white teeth worrying at her lower lip for a second.

"What's wrong?" Elliot asked, blinking hard and pulling her eyes wide. She had a long time yet to stay awake; drifting away now, even just in thought, wasn't acceptable.

"It's Godric," Sookie told her with quiet breathlessness. "And...and Eric, too." Elliot's expression hardened into as much of a frown as she could muster, her eyes growing colder.

"What about him?" And, though she hated herself for it, she was terrified for the answer. Had the Fellowship come back and taken him? Did they have him locked away somewhere, his last minutes counting down until the faithful sunrise coloured the world again? She needed to hate him, because of what he did and because she needed to pull away and it was going to hurt enough as it was but even Elliot could not deny the small part of her that ached with grief for losing him already and she'd not even walked away yet.

Sookie took a breath, seeming to steel herself. "Godric's going to meet the sun," she said in a rush and Elliot's heart dropped out.

"Eric's not-?" she choked, the world suddenly starkly black and white and grey and fading and not worth itand Elliot pushed her hand out against the wall to support herself as a wave of something nameless and horrible washed through her.

"No," Sookie said quickly, shaking her head. "No, not Eric. He's not - he's not going to stay up there. But's he's...I mean, Godric's his Maker," she said carefully, watching Elliot closely. "He's torn up about it even if he'd never admit it to anyone. Except...except you, Elliot." Sookie paused for a second but her companion said nothing. "He needs you. Not me or Bill or Isabel or anyone else who thinks they can stand beside him and make it better. You're the one he listens to, Elliot. He c-"

"Don't," Elliot cut her off harshly. "Don't say he cares. Please don't." She couldn't stand that, refused to hear it because Elliot was not equipped to deal with such a notion spoken aloud. She wasn't equipped to deal with it even when it was a traitorous thought lurking in the shadowy corners of her mind. "I don't think I can, Sookie. I can't face him. I can't...if he needed me..." She waited for a second, wishing the words she needed to express herself would come but they never did. "He doesn't. Eric's...Eric. He doesn't need anyone." Like I don't need anyone. And maybe she didn't, but sometimes she wanted someone, anyone, to look her in the eye and tell her it would be alright. Tell her that they cared. Tell her that she wasn't alone, that she didn't have to be any more. Sometimes she even let herself acknowledge that she wanted that someone to be Eric. And a tiny part of her acknowledged that maybe Eric wanted that someone to be her.

"He thinkshe doesn't need anyone," Sookie corrected, looking at Elliot in a way that made her think that the telepath was fairly good at reading people even when she couldn't hear their thoughts. "I know you're angry at him but...he needs help right now, Elliot, help I can't give. I can...I don't know, I can be there for Godric but there's nothing I could ever do to get through to Eric."

What makes you think I ever could? Elliot almost asked, just because a part of her wanted to hear somebody say it and confirm that it wasn't a fanciful notion of hers but couldn't. "If I see him..." she started, looking away and swallowing as she tried not to think about what she'd have to say so she could run this time. "If I see him I'll have to speak to him." I'll have to say goodbye. Elliot didn't think she was strong enough to do that, not after everything. Not after realising with a sickening jolt just how much she cared because he'd been about to die in front of her, not after waking up to realise that some part of her, the part that her power crept within, cared enough about Eric to waste the last energy she had on making sure he remained unharmed. Only then to learn that he'd betrayed her, forced himself inside her in a way that could never be healed, not just inside her head and her heart but her blood. Her feelings. Feelings were something she'd guarded so closely, keeping clutched to her chest like precious stones; they'd been all Michael had left her after he'd taken everything else from her, everything she loved. He'd controlled everything, but not that. She felt how she felt and those feelings, no matter how much they hurt, were hers. But now Eric had them - he'd taken them the way Michael had taken everything else and it made her sick because she knew he done it for her, she knew she was standing here now because he'd done it, but still it burned her with fury and betrayal and hurtbecause that had been all she had left and now she had nothing.

"I can't, Sookie," she whispered, the loudest voice she could muster as she dragged her thoughts away from the downward spiral they'd slipped onto. "I can't see him. I can't speak to him. I can't say goodbye." Her voice cracked on the last word and she turned violently away, blinking fiercely as she mentally scolded herself.

Crying won't do you any good, babe. I told you god-fucking-damn-it and you didn't listen. Michael's face cracked across the backs of her eyelids as she closed them, his mouth stretched wide with a smile that wasn't his, his knuckles red and his eyes blank with the dimness that alcohol awoke in him. Elliot opened her eyes and swallowed hard. Sookie was looking at her with a heart-wrenching pity that only made her feel worse.

"Tell him..." she began, but she had nothing to tell him and everything to tell him and words could encompass neither of those things. Elliot shook her head. "No, it doesn't matter." By the time he realised she was gone she'd be far away, hopefully, so she could almost convince herself that it really didn't matter.

"Elliot," Sookie sighed in a way that was two seconds from tears and then she pulled the other woman into a quick, hard hug before releasing her and blinking back her own tears. "I'll see you soon." With a small sniff that she tried to cover up with a tiny laugh of casualness, Sookie turned quickly away and headed down the corridor to the elevator, stepped inside and disappeared.

Elliot straightened up, grabbed her suitcase and turned in the opposite direction. She stepped into the elevator at the other end of the hallway and pressed the button for the ground floor, leaning against the wall as it slipped downwards. Elliot pulled in a deep breath, forcing herself to keep her eyes open and trying to force her mind to remain alert. She felt like she could fall over at any minute; in fact there was a large part of her that wanted to just so she could sleep.

The elevator stopped and the doors slid open and Elliot's heart stopped. Eric was framed in the doorway, his skin so pale it was like milk, the skin around his eyes red, his shoulders hunched. He caught his breath when he saw her and Elliot was slammed quite suddenly with a longing need for him, a need to forgive him and hold him and comfort him because somehow that would make everything okay. All that mattered was that Eric was thereand he was with her and she could see him and hold him and if that was true then nothing else in the world would matter.

The sensation was stronger than she'd ever have expected it to be and Elliot had to take a second to remind herself that that must be his blood, singing at the sight of him, the nearness of him.

"Elliot," he said, his voice low and burdened with a thousand years of grief that had found him at the same moment in time and that moment was the sunrise.

"Eric," was all she could reply. She was floored by how vulnerable he looked, how much it hurt her to see him like that, how confused she was inside as everything warred and twisted until she didn't know which emotions were hers, which were his and which were simply side-effects of the blood inside her.

"Elliot, I-" He took a step forwards and Elliot took a step back, shaking her head. She needed to go, now, run run run but she couldn't because he was right there. And if she said goodbye he'd never let her leave, not before he'd explained himself and if Elliot listened to his words and his promises she knew she'd stay because she wantedto and it was only fear and experience and the determination to never fall in love again that was driving her away this time.

"Not now," she said quickly, hating herself because it was lies, it would all be lies because not now was never and now was all they had; now was their eternity, the one moment that stretched between them in the emptiness where Elliot wouldn't say goodbye and she couldn't promise that she'd stay forever. "Go to Godric. You have to...you have to say goodbye," she said, swallowing as she tried to keep her voice steady. "I'll talk to you later."

And even through the turmoil inside her she felt Eric's relief that she was giving him a chance, that she wasn't going to turn her back and cut ties and Elliot hated herself for a moment because when she lied like that, when she did it knowing it would hurt him later, how was she any better than Michael? But then she caught a grip on herself, reminded herself that she'd come this far, that she'd gotten away, by chasing her instincts and fleeing when they told her to and right now they told her that if she didn't leave now it would hurt more and Elliot had been hurt too much for one lifetime to welcome more, no matter what it promised in return.

"I'm sorry," she managed to choke out before the doors slid shut on him and the elevator continued downwards. She felt him flicker for a moment with confusion before he resolved himself and his grief hardened into something she could almost ignore as Eric continued up and Elliot sank further down.

She moved through the lobby as though in a dream, using one of the phones there to call a cab to take her to the airport. When it arrived she clambered inside and let herself drift away in the backseat as Dallas flashed by outside. The cab driver grabbed her suitcase for her when they arrived and set it down on the sidewalk as Elliot rooted through her purse for cash, handing it over to him before turning and walking into the airport.

The flight she needed wasn't for several hours and half of Elliot despaired because she only had a single day to get cleanly away before Eric confused everything but the other half welcomed the time to sleep in an uncomfortable metal chair that was bolted to the floor.

She slumped onto one of the benches, tucking her suitcase beneath the seat and pushing her feet against it. She was tired to the bone but the sun was rising and though she wanted to sleep she watched as the light inched across the floor, pale and unforgivable. Somewhere out there, Godric had turned to dust. Somewhere inside her, Eric crumbled into a thousand pieces. Somewhere along the way, Elliot forgot that she was doing this so it wouldn't hurt any more because it hurt so much now she didn't know if it could ever be worth it. She knew how to run away, she knew that she was scared to love or to care and Elliot clung to those; they were tiny truths in a world where even her feelings were not her own, and she pressed her hands against her face because tears were welling in her eyes and for once, nothing she did could stop them from falling.

AN: I am still alive...just.

Sorry this is such a short and filler-y chapter - I'm trying to work out the sequence of events in my head and it's being frustratingly uncooperative so...just kind of read it without thinking too much of the timeline of the show; eventually it'll all match up again but for now it's a bit of a mess.

Provided I can think of a way to join this chapter and the next in some form of timely fashion, the next wait won't be as long as this one because a lot of what comes next is written; it's just joining it all up that's difficult.

Thank you so much to anyone who is still reading, I promise there will be more interaction in the next chapter - this was a lot of inner reflection and nothingness that sort of had to go somewhere and it ended up here. Sorry again!

The title is from Push by Matchbox Twenty. Thanks again if you've read this; if you're feeling particularly charitable feel free to leave a review to let me know what you thought!