Fran makes every chapter better, but all mistakes are mine cause I like to 'adjust' ;) Michele, Vampiregirl93, Lissa and Judyblue preread this.
Day 77
BPOV
-9
Today is day negative nine.
Leah has entered this world and she is the most beautiful thing. She's the life giver. Her umbilical cord cells will save my son.
Our entire journey has led to this.
Today Jake is admitted to the hospital where he will have his first round of chemo.
He'll receive two different drugs, on alternating days, for the next seven days. And then for two more days, his body will rest from the abuse it has suffered. Transplant day is known as day zero, and then we count forward. This will be the measure of my life until my son is completely cured.
-8
Drug one was introduced yesterday and aside from a low-grade fever and extra sleep, he seems to be doing okay. Today, we meet drug number two.
It's early morning and I sit, watching him sleep. Looking at him now, it's easy to think it's not going to be bad. Round one down and my tough little man handled it well. But I know better, the doctors have warned; we've only just begun to rip his immune system to shreds.
"Morning, baby. How's he doing?" Edward asks quietly as he breezes into the room. He wasn't able to stay last night since he had to take care of Seth.
"Same as last night. He's mostly slept since you left," I assure him.
He comes over and gives me a light peck and takes a seat on the hard wooden arm of my chair that's pushed as close to Jake's bedside as I can get it. "What time will they be in to administer today's round?"
"Dr. Cheney said she'd be in by lunch. Carlisle will probably stop by before then, though. Was Seth okay with going to Esme's again today?" I'm concerned he's going to feel excluded.
"Pfft, he woke me this morning, ready to go. He has friends, remember?" He lifts a brow in my direction.
"Did he ask about Jake and me last night?" I probe.
"We talked about you and Jake before bed, but he understands that Jake won't be home for a while." He rubs the back of his neck. "Well, at least he says he does. I think as time goes on that he's going to start getting a little more insistent because, how do you explain that it'll be over a month to a little kid?"
I take a deep breath and release it. "I don't know and I don't want to leave Jake … ever, but I also know that Seth needs me to be there for him, too. I don't know how we're going to balance what's best for them both." Tears rush to my eyes, but I don't allow them to fall.
He reaches out with his soothing touch and pulls me close. "We don't have to figure it all out today, Bella. One day at a time that's all we can do and we have help. Mom and Dad are here, your family is here and Jay and Vic will be here within a few weeks. We'll just do what we can and make sure they both know they're loved every single day."
I close my eyes and soak him in, revel in everything he brings to my life. He's going to be my rock through all of this and I don't know if I could've faced it without him. "You're right," I say on an exhale of breath.
He kisses my forehead and leans back to look at me. "I know it's not enough, but it's all we've got."
"I love you," I tell him quietly, looking deep into those simmering, green eyes.
"Love you," he says with a peck. "Now, what about breakfast?"
The guilt creeps in. "I'll eat with Jake. Whatever they bring him is good for me."
He nods easily. "Whatever suits you, baby."
A few hours later, Jake is awake, but still with a slight fever. "Daddy," he calls in his scratchy, barely used voice. "Where's Seth?"
My heart breaks.
Edward gets up, slides on the bed beside Jake and runs a hand over his copper curls. "Dude, remember we discussed that Seth would start going to Ms. Esme's?" Jake barely nods his head. "Well, I dropped him off this morning."
"So he playin' with my friends and not me?" he asks, eyes sad.
I lean closer to him and take his hand. "Sweetie, no. Seth loves you, you're his brother. Remember we talked about this? Seth won't be able to come see you very often even though he really wants to be here."
Jake takes a deep breath and lets it out, his eyes on the blanket covering his body. "Okay."
Edward's eyes meet mine and with a small shake of his head, he reminds me that this is the small stuff. The things that won't matter in the long run. We have so many larger hills to climb.
-7
"My tummy hurts, Mama," Jake cries, hunching over and grabbing his stomach.
"I know, baby," I soothe, rubbing a cool cloth over his head. "Do you think you might be sick?"
Edward's already grabbed the basin and is standing at the ready. Jake hasn't thrown up yet, but we know it's coming. We're lucky that we've had a couple days in the clear. The fever has caused his lips to become sore and cracked as it is.
Suddenly, he lurches up from the pillow. Edward's fast though, and has the basin beneath him as he empties his stomach. He continues to retch and dry heave even when there's nothing left. The whole time my heart is breaking, but I sit there and rub his back in soothing circles, trying to assure him that I'm here.
-6
"Bella, you have to go home and sleep, get a good night's rest," Edward insists after I've refused to cooperate.
We had originally agreed to take turns staying with Jake as much as possible, but my baby's sick, he needs his Mama. No way am I going to leave for a whole night. There's no end to the things that could go wrong in my absence.
I cross my arms and stiffen my shoulders. "No, Edward. He needs me here. I'm not leaving."
"You don't think he needs me?" he asks, using the guilt card very effectively. "What about Seth? He doesn't need you, is that it? He hasn't seen you for almost four days."
Tears prick my eyes and I want to curl into a ball and cry. "I miss him," I whisper.
Edward steps closer and encloses me in his arms. "I know, baby. He misses you, too. You need to leave this place for a little while. I know Jake's your baby, but he's also mine. I can take care of him, Bella. I swear I will."
I finally give in and nod into his chest. While he holds me close, I allow a few tears to fall for the unfairness of it all.
-5
I'm at the stove making bacon and eggs for Seth and me when he comes down the stairs. "Mornin', Mama. I smell bacon?"
I chuckle. "You sure do. Go ahead and climb up to the bar. This will be ready soon," I instruct.
"I like bacon," he observes as he climbs. "Jake does, too. He gettin' to eat bacon at the hospital?"
My shoulders sag at the question. How do I answer that? "He's not feeling up to eating much, sweetie, but he can have bacon if he wants some." I try to smile as I explain without lying to Seth. At some point, he'll get to visit Jake and he'll see how sick he is, so I don't want him assuming everything is okay.
Seth looks down at the bar top. "I miss him."
I lift the last of the bacon from the pan, turn off the flame and go to him, immediately putting my arms around him. "Oh, honey, I know you do. He misses you too, so very much."
"When he comin' home?" he asks into my chest where I've buried his little face.
I pull back and look into his sad, brown eyes. "It's going to be a while longer, baby. Jake has to be well before he can come home." I step back and try to lighten the mood. "Now, you ready for that bacon?"
"I guess," he replies, his voice more melancholy than it was earlier.
"Hey, are you excited to go to Ms. Esme's?" I ask, trying to hype him back up. "Aren't you having fun with your new friends?"
I go back to the stove and plate him some eggs and bacon, waiting to hear his response. "I do like them, but I like playin' wif Jake more," he says quietly.
I place his plate in front of him and reach over and kiss him on his head. "I know, sweetie, I know."
Tears of anger burn my eyes.
Anger at what this disease is doing to my boys.
Both of them.
-4
Jake's condition is deteriorating rapidly. He has blisters on his lips, nausea to the point that he's being fed with a tube to keep him nourished, his hair looks lifeless on his head and some parts of his skin are covered in a rash.
It's almost too much to bear when I look at him. They're keeping him on pain meds and it seems to be doing the trick, but he can't be kept too far under as he needs his reflexes when he can't keep the nausea at bay.
After today, it's just one more day.
One day.
I try to keep that chant going in my head. One more day and this will be over, one more day. But it won't. Although the transplant itself won't cause any side effects, the symptoms he's experiencing now won't just disappear with the end of treatment.
No, they'll remain and continue to ravage his body.
"Hey, honey," Mom says as she and Beth enter the room. "How are you holding up?" She comes straight over and encases me in her warm, motherly embrace.
I want to fall apart in her arms. It would be so easy to give into the turmoil that races through me at this moment, but I can't. I have to be strong for my boy, even though he'd probably never know if I did fall apart since he spends so much time sleeping or in pain.
"As well as can be expected I guess," I answer her.
When she steps back, Beth leans down and places a soft kiss on my cheek. "We'll make it through this," she assures as she pulls back and takes a seat in a spare chair.
"I know we will. It's even harder than I imagined, though."
"Oh, baby. Of course it is," my mom says. "How could your mind ever imagine this?" She waves her hand over my precious little boy who's curled under his covers. "It couldn't. It rejects the very thought."
The opening door has all three of our heads turning. Edward comes into the room and smiles when he sees both of our mothers already here. "Hey, Moms!" he greets them enthusiastically.
"My boy," Beth says as she rises to meet him with a hug and kiss on the cheek.
He hugs her heartily and moves onto my mom to give her a kiss on the cheek. "What a nice surprise, you're both here so early."
"Actually," Beth starts, "there's a reason for our visit." She fidgets with her hands before continuing. "Renee and I have decided that you two need to get out of here for a little bit." She turns and points her finger at me. "Especially you."
When I open my mouth to protest, she holds up her hands. "No, young lady. You've been here day in and day out nearly nonstop. It's time to take a little time for yourselves. Go out, eat lunch, go by the house, take a shower―"
"Ease some tension," my mom interjects.
Beth rolls her eyes, but keeps on. "Spend some time together, just the two of you to decompress. Get away for just a little while." Her hand is on her hip and her brows are arched high.
This is going to be a battle so I square my shoulders. "I can't."
Edward, who had a hopeful expression allows his shoulders to deflate. If I didn't know better, I'd think he was in on the ambush. But he isn't, he was just as surprised as I was about the intervention. I guess he agrees with their point, though.
My mom kneels down beside my chair and takes my hands in hers. "Baby, no one is asking you to run away and forget about Jake. All we're asking is that you take a few hours and get yourself together." She reaches up and brushes a curl behind my ear. "You look as if you're going to break down at any minute. As if you think you need to be everything for Jake, when in all actuality, he has a whole family who loves him dearly and can help you through this. It's only begun, honey, don't try and shut us out now. Take what we're offering and embrace it. Revel in it. And then come back here better for Jake."
I listen to her words and I hear what she's saying, but it's so hard to let go. To leave him in someone else's care and go when I have nothing out there that needs me more, aside from Seth and I'd like to think he understands.
Edward comes over then and squats down at my other knee. "I think our moms are right."
That's all he says aloud, but his eyes say so much more. He needs this, too. He needs me to leave with him and allow myself a reprieve from the pain, if only for a little while.
I reach for his hand and give it a light squeeze. "Two hours tops," I finally agree. "That's it."
He smiles a small smile at my compliance. "Thank you, baby."
"We'll go after Dr. Cheney comes," I add.
"Works for me." He squeezes my hand and stands.
.
.
"What sounds good for lunch?" Edward asks as he pulls from the hospital lot.
"Can you just make us some sandwiches at home?"
He brings our joined hands up and kisses the back of mine. "Sure, sounds good."
After a lunch of hot ham and cheese sandwiches, I go upstairs to take a shower. Once my clothes are removed, I stand under the scalding spray. It's here where I allow all my grief to consume me.
Tears mix with water as I slump down the wall of the shower and let all my heartache flow from me. Strong arms pull me into a bare chest and tighten around me. Squeezing so tight that I feel his love and strength flow into me.
I allow the tears to fall and flow down his skin only to be washed away. And when I've poured all my fear and anger out through my tears, I lift my eyes and attack with my lips.
I consume him just as the grief from my son's pain has consumed me.
-3
Finally, his treatment is completed. The horrible torture that my son has been through is over. He'll have to endure no more. He has patches of red all over and nausea still racks his weary body almost hourly.
The last bit of poison entered his system today.
-2
For the second time, our moms have sent me away.
This time, we're going to pick up Seth and enjoy a lunch at the park. Give him the benefit of both of us at the same time. Something he hasn't had in over a week.
Edward walks in to get Seth and when he comes out and sees me sitting in the car waiting, he breaks into a huge smile and starts running. I open the door and then my arms to greet him enthusiastically.
"Mama," he exclaims as he wraps his arms around me tight. "What you doin' here?" Then his brows crinkle. "Where Jake then?"
"Jake's still at the hospital, buddy," Edward explains walking up behind him.
"Who's there wif him?" He holds his hands up, looking confused.
"Nana and grandma are there. They're taking good care of him," Edward explains trying to herd him into his car seat.
"Why can't I go then?" He pouts.
"Dude, I told you I'll talk to the doctor and try to see when you can visit, okay? You can't come unless they give the all-clear." Edward tries to soothe him, but he's having none of it.
"Other people gets to see him. Why can't I?" he demands, arms crossed, cheeks puffed.
Edward buckles his car seat and takes his time walking to the driver's seat. He has no answers to Seth's question and neither do I. We aren't prepared for this. We have no answers that a three-year-old might find acceptable or understand.
"Mama," Seth says before Edward makes it around. "Why can't I?"
Taking a deep breath to prolong the moment, I release it and try to come up with something. "Sweetie, when people visit, we take the chance of Jake catching something." I turn in my seat so he can see me. "You know like a cold? If Jake got a cold right now, it would be very bad."
"I not gots no cold, though," he says with a shrug and my heart rips in two.
Edward slides in and catches Seth's proclamation. "Seth, you can't go see Jacob right now and that's final." He's using his stern father voice and my heart rips even more.
Seth crosses his arms over his chest and looks out the window without saying another word to either of us.
He's already feeling excluded and confused, and we're still only at the beginning.
-1
Today Jake rests.
Tomorrow, we begin the process of putting him back together.
See you Tuesday!