Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.

Not Without You

Chapter 36: Colors

After consciously living in the present on Christmas, I tried it again on New Year's Eve. I attempted to let go of everything that wasn't happening at that very moment. The problem with that is all of your past experiences and future wishes, and all of your anxieties, are part of you--they exist within you in every single moment. For instance, even inside the living room, the window coverings drawn, I couldn't help but remember how beautiful the sky was on clear evenings just before dark, still brightened by the edges of the sun--the color that you could surely touch.

"Edward," I said after taking a sip of my champagne. He was on the chair and I was in his lap, his hand resting on my thigh. Alice, Japser, and Rosalie shared the sofa--Rose's arm linked with Alice's--and Emmett shared the floor with the Christmas tree. Alice and I had put Masen to bed hours ago. "If you could take a piece out of the sky, what color do you think would be left behind? White or black?"

"What?" he asked, moving my hair aside and over my shoulder.

"You didn't hear me?"

"I'm not sure. I think you just asked me what color would be left behind if I took a piece of the sky."

"Right. Come on," I said, my finger tugging on the neckline of his shirt. "Don't think logically for a second. Play with me. What color?"

Rosalie and Alice were laughing, while Emmett was looking on in wait of Edward's answer.

"Okay," he said, leaning forward to put his glass on the table. "First of all, this is why I fucking love you." He kissed my cheek. "If I took a part of the sky, it would obviously be left with the color of fire because there would be no gas molecules or dust particles in that spot to filter the sun."

"No," Emmett said, shaking his head. "It would be black. As if you were seeing the sky from space. And through the hole, the sun would be white, not the color of fire."

"It would still be blue," Jasper said. "It would fill itself in, heal itself immediately. There would be no change in color."

"Jasper wins!" Alice said, standing up. "More champagne?" She began filling everyone's glass, but I covered mine.

"I can't. Still nursing."

I handed Edward his glass, let him take a sip, then placed it back on the table. I liked the look in his eyes the more intoxicated he became, and I played with it.

"I thought your answer was the best," I said, searching his buzzed eyes, wet and intensely green. I tickled the base of his throat with my fingertip.

"You did?" He gave me a crooked smile and his hands squeezed my waist.

"Mm-hmm." I nodded. "It was the most creative."

He eyed my lips as I spoke, and I bit the side of my bottom one. His nose nudged my chin, moved along my jaw and down my neck. My arms tingled with goose bumps.

"What are you doing, Bella?" he whispered against my throat before his lips met my skin. I felt a suck and then his tongue, and then another suck.

I took a deep breath. "You're the one doing something."

"You two never change," Alice said.

"They've been at that all night," Jasper said. "You're just getting the visual now, but I've felt it. About every five minutes, they're two inches away from taking off for their bedroom. I don't know how they're stopping themselves."

I opened my eyes and looked down at Edward. "Really?" I asked him.

He nodded. "All the time. You?"

"Yes."

"No way," Alice said, pulling me off Edward, who wasn't easily letting me go. His arms were still reaching when I was out of his grasp. "No. Way. We came all this way to spend New Year's with you. You're free to do anything you want at 12:01, but until then, you're ours, not his." She pointed at Edward as if he was Bluebeard the Pirate threatening to lock me away forever.

Alice's hair was exactly the same as I'd last seen her. She said she cut pieces of it when it stopped behaving the way she wanted it to. Jasper's hair was a little longer on top, definitely still falling into his face, pointing toward his perpetual smile.

With Alice back on the sofa and I having gravitated back to Edward's lap, Jasper and Alice shared with us some of their experiences at the places they'd worked.

"Look at this," Alice said, showing us her nails. They were shorter than before, but still polished.

"What?" I said. "They look manicured."

"Yeah, but I don't do it for me anymore. Actually, I feel guilty for polishing my nails now, but I do it for the kids. Some of the little girls at different shelters love it." She said they would ask her all about the color names, and request a certain color for her to wear the next day, and even if she had to stay up late and her eyes were closing as she polished she'd still change it for them.

She gave a small, closed-lip smile. A thoughtful smile.

"And she leaves bottles behind every time," Jasper said, a hand on Alice's back. She leaned into him.

"I'm running out," she said.

"Oh!" Rosalie said, getting up and going into Emmett's room. She returned with a handful of polishes, and dropped them clinking together into Alice's lap. "Take them. I don't use them anymore. I don't know why I brought them here at all. I never even packed them up for my dorm."

"Thanks," Alice said.

Emmett expressed his pleasure about having more drawer space until Rosalie pointed out that the polishes were never in a drawer, but that they had been stored in a box under his bed.

"Maybe we can take something else out of a drawer and put in the box now," he said.

"Something of mine, I presume?" Rosalie asked. "I know! I'll box up all my negligees. How about that?" She took a sip of her champagne and Emmett followed.

I leaned against Edward's chest, bracing myself for one of their arguments. Edward must have felt it, too; he rubbed up and down my arm. But the argument never came.

"Do you have a favorite place?" I asked Jasper.

His eyes narrowed. "That's difficult to answer," he said. "Every place we go we're introduced to different problems. Problems you never knew existed, or maybe you thought were fabricated for movies. But they're so real." He let a deep breath out through his nose and shook his head. "Mothers and daughters hiding from abusive or kidnapping fathers, with literally nowhere else to go. No family or friends they can trust, no one. Imagine starting your life out like that as a kid. Not trusting anyone." He took a drink.

"But the thing is, knowing that we've made a difference in the lives of a few people is an unexplainable feeling. No matter how minute and insignificant our efforts might seem, it's still that little bit more than the person had before. That makes it very significant."

"But I have a least favorite place, let me tell you," Alice said, then she made a deep, disgusted sound in her throat. "This one rundown shelter in Louisiana? We spent our time there, not interacting with the people, but scrubbing floors and walls, just to get it up to health code standards. And the worst thing is, who knows if they kept it up once we left? After all that work. And I got sick from it."

"That was the worst," Jasper said. "I've never seen anyone that sick before. She had the flu for a week, in bed, sweating and shivering. She couldn't keep anything down, and the doctor could only suggest rest and plenty of fluids. I had to force her to drink water because she was afraid it would come right up."

Alice shuddered and Jasper put his arm around her. "Don't remind me," she said.

Their story brought to mind Masen's flu battle, something I also didn't want to be reminded of. I noticed the chip bowl needed refilling so I took it to the kitchen. Jasper followed me.

"What'd you run away from?" Jasper asked as I shook chips from the bag into the bowl.

"My own thoughts, as usual," I said.

"How are you, Bella?

I turned to look at him. He was leaning against the opposite counter, his head tilted. "I'm fine, why?"

He smiled. "Just making sure."

I wanted to tell him that I would be even more fine if he and Alice took up residence here, but I couldn't lay a guilt trip on him.

"What?" Jasper asked.

"What?" I picked up the bowl.

"What's that guilty feeling?"

I shook my head. "Jasper, how do you do that? Seriously, I need an explanation."

"Do you want the long version or the short version?"

"The one that will explain it best."

"Go take the chips to the other room and get your coat. I'll tell you outside."

In the living room, I leaned down to kiss Edward. "I'll be right back."

He took my arm. "You're leaving?"

"I'm going to talk to Jasper. I'll only be a few minutes."

He pulled on my arm until I was close enough to kiss again. "Don't be long."

Jasper was already in the courtyard. I sat on the bench, holding my jacket tight around me, and looked up at him--the black sky and the low orange moon behind him. There were sporadic gushes of wind that blew his hair out of his face for him. He didn't have to bother with it.

"Six is the earliest age I remember feeling someone else's emotions," he said. "And it wasn't consistent then. It began with me reading expressions. I've always had this knack for picking up on the slightest muscle movement, a quick blink, a fast clenched fist or jaw, a tightening in the shoulders…"

He told me his mom kept taking him to doctors back then because of his elevated temperature. She was convinced something was really wrong with him, something the doctors were missing. During the third visit to the seventh doctor, sitting in the doctor's office while being examined, Jasper's mom badgered the doctor, asking if he was sure he checked everything, and maybe he should check again. Jasper saw a look come across the doctor's face. He was too young to really understand what a frustrated expression meant. It looked like anger to Jasper, and he projected that feeling onto himself. He felt the doctor's frustration inside and yelled at his mom to stop. There was nothing wrong with him and he wouldn't see anymore doctors. He'd never yelled at his mother before.

That was the first time he remembered it happening. After that, he continued to pick up on expressions he couldn't name, and feel them. It got to the point where he didn't have to think about it anymore. It just automatically happened. He wouldn't have to even be looking at the person anymore to do it. He could catch it out of the corner of his eye.

"Like right now," he said. "I can tell that you're really interested in what I'm saying. You're not faking it. If you were bored, I'd feel it and shut up. But if I turn all the way around-" he turned his back on me "-like this, I have no idea right now what you're feeling anymore, but your original feeling of intrigue is still permeating through me." He faced me again. "So, obviously, growing up, there were feelings I liked and feelings I couldn't stand. I would do my best to make those around me feel good, so I could feel it too. Ultimately, in the beginning, my empathy, my desire to help people, was really out of selfishness. But then my heart started aching for those who suffered, and it became much more." He stuffed his hands in his pockets and brought a foot to the edge of the bench.

"So, what do you think? Crazy?"

"It really is a gift," I said. "And a burden."

"As long as I use it the right way, it's a gift."

"Does anything surprise you?"

"Absolutely. I'm surprised by people's reactions all the time. I just pick up on it sooner and more often than the rest of the world," he said. "Any more questions?"

"One more." I paused and stared at him for a moment, wondering if I should even ask it.

"Go ahead," he said.

"Is it unfair if I ask you how Edward is?"

He brought his foot down and narrowed his eyes at me, reminding me more of a father figure than a friend. "People share the emotions they want to, and keep the other ones in. They do it for a reason, Bella. What would you want me to tell Edward if he asked the same question? Would you want me to tell him that as happy as you are, you're uneasy about your future?"

My heart leapt inside, and then sank. I thought I felt it hit my stomach as though I'd swallowed it. "You can tell that?"

"Sometimes. Not often. But in the kitchen, I felt it. And when you asked me about Edward, I felt it again."

"How do you know it's the future I'm worried about?"

"Because for a split second, you looked up, over my shoulder. If it was the past, I'd assume you'd look down. I'm not always right, though. Was I right?"

"Sometimes," I said.

"I'll tell you this, Bella. Edward is happy with you. He's happy here at Stanford, too."

"But?"

He scoffed and shook his head. "He worries about you."

I looked down and nodded.

"See? Now you're thinking of the past. Listen, Edward isn't the one you should concern yourself with right now anyway. It's Rosalie. Something's up with her, and I'm feeling it focused on you, not Alice or anyone else."

"I knew it," I said. "What did I do to her? I can't think of anything I did."

"I don't know. I can't read minds. I do know this, and I hope I'm not making it a bigger problem by telling you, but I feel it most when you're close to Edward. When you're hugging or kissing him. She can't look at you. Her cheeks tighten and she zones out for a few seconds."

"Why?"

He shook his head.

"I wonder if it's because I live here with Edward and Emmett. Maybe she resents me for it."

"Maybe." He looked up into the wind, his eyes blinking quickly as it blew against his face. I turned and saw the tree he seemed to be looking at, empty of leaves, thin branches like arms raised straight for the stars. I turned back to Jasper, still staring in thought. Was he now thinking of the future? Was he thinking of Rosalie's future, or mine, or his? I could have asked him. I wanted to, but I let him keep his thoughts.

"Thank you, Jasper." I stood up to hug him. "I know this wasn't your idea of celebrating New Year's Eve."

"Are you kidding? I've missed this. No one talks to me the way you do. With the exception of Alice, you're the only person I've ever talked with about my gift in such depth." He stepped back, looked down at me, and squeezed my shoulder. "You and Edward worry about each other too much. You're both fine. Everyone has insecurities. It's normal. Don't drive yourself crazy focusing on them. Just live, Bella. Let it be."

"I'm working on that."

"Come on. Let's go inside and join the party."

There really was more of a party when we re-entered the living room. Rosalie was working with the CD player on the shelf above the television, and Alice kept arguing with her about what music to play.

"You always get like this when you're drinking, don't you?" Rosalie said. "These songs are perfectly fine when you're sober, but after a few drinks, you don't like anything."

"It all sucks," Alice said. "It's the wrong sound for tonight. We need something better."

"There's no 'Artist formerly known as' in this apartment."

"I'm not talking about 'The Artist.' He's strictly for my birthday. Doesn't anyone have an iPod here?!" She turned around. "Oh, hey Bella. You have an iPod, don't you?"

I shook my head.

"I do," Emmett said, and headed for his room.

"There you are," Edward said, wrapping an arm around my waist. He pulled me back to him, and leaned to my ear. "Where were you?" I smelled sweet champagne on his breath.

"I told you." I turned to face him. "I was talking to Jasper. I've missed him."

"I missed you." He kissed me, and it occurred to me that I'd missed him as well. I brought a hand to his face.

"Edward," I said, but he continued to kiss me. "Edward?"

"Bella," he breathed into my mouth. "Is it 12:01 yet? Are we free?" His hands were on my hips, pulling me tight against him.

"Not yet, but Edward, I'm happy, are you?"

His lips had been coming for mine again, but he paused and looked down at me. His fingertips brushed my cheeks. He smiled. "I couldn't be happier. Especially after hearing you say that without being asked." His smile grew.

I wrapped my arms around his waist and held him close, the side of my head against his beating heart. His arms wrapped around my shoulders and he kissed my head.

"If we sneak away, do you think anyone will notice?" he asked.

"Alice is here; everyone will notice because she'll scream at us."

He sighed and let a hand drift down my hair.

"But we can stay just like this. She can't get mad as long as we're in the same room as everyone else."

Alice still hadn't settled on anything when midnight was upon us. She kept listening to the first five seconds of each song, then with a disgusted grown, she'd change it.

"Forget it," Emmett said, taking his iPod back, and switching on the TV. "We're going to watch the Times Square thing. We've only got five minutes left."

"But they only have kids stuff on there right now. It's crap."

I reluctantly untangled myself from Edward and went to Alice. I squished her cheeks. "Alice, we're together, let's pretend we're still kids and enjoy the cheesy pop music."

"Bella! You're here!" She hugged me tight around the neck.

"No, you're here."

I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around. "I need my girl," Jasper said. "Two minutes left."

I nodded and kissed Alice's cheek. "Happy New Year," I whispered.

"Yes it is!" She didn't whisper. "Bella, wait, Bella!" She pulled me back to her and kissed my cheek with wet lips. "I love you."

"I love you, too. But Jasper loves you as well, sweetie, and he wants you now. Look at him. See?"

"Jasper! You're here!" she said and threw her arms around him. She had to jump up to do it, but he caught her, laughing.

Edward was at the coffee table refilling his champagne glass, and Emmett and Rosalie were by the bathroom door kissing already.

"Here," Edward said, handing me a glass. "I think you can have one more drink."

I took the glass and raised it to his, and as the glasses clinked together, something went off in my head. "Oh no!"

"Take a sip, Bella." He pushed the drink to my lips and I sipped for him, then set my glass down, and took his from him, too.

"Edward, how much time do we have?" I reached behind my neck to undo the clasp on my necklace while he checked his watch. My fingers weren't working. I couldn't undo it.

"Fifty seconds, why?"

I turned around and lifted my hair. "Quick, get this off me, hurry! I've been saving something for tonight."

His fingers tickled my neck as he unhooked the clasp. Even drunk, he had it off easier than I could have.

"Here," he said, handing me the necklace.

I let the ring slide off the chain and into my hand, then slipped it onto my finger. I had to push to get it over my knuckle.

"Look," I said, holding my hand up to him. "It fits."

Before I finished speaking, he was kissing the ring and my finger, and then the rest of my fingers, while we heard voices counting down. His lips traveled over my palm and up my arm, kissing me through my shirt until he reached my throat and his lips met flesh. He kissed around my chin and finally to my lips. We kissed through the midnight celebration on TV. We kissed through Alice's screeching and tossing of confetti over our heads.

"You always give the best New Year's kisses," I said.

"You always give the best kisses," he said.

It was 12:03, well past our freedom minute, and we stole to our bedroom. He kissed me, backing me up against the bed, and I fell against it. I laughed.

"Lift your arms," he said.

I raised them, and he slipped my shirt off.

"Here," I said, opening my hand that still held the necklace. "I need this on before I lose it." I stood and turned around so he could replace it around my neck.

When it was secure, his lips met my neck and his hands slid under my arms to cup by breasts. I tilted my head to search his lips.

"Bella," he said before he kissed me.

I faced him again. "Your turn." I tugged at the ends of his shirt.

He shook his head. "Pants off, first." He pulled me out of my jeans.

"Now your turn?"

"Not yet." He reached behind me and unhooked my bra. "We don't need this where we're going."

"Where are we going?" I asked to distract him, so I could get his shirt off.

"My mouth is going right here." He kissed my breast, and the shock of it made me gasp. I let my head fall back.

"Edward, oh my god."

"I know," he said. "This is going to be too fucking fast, but I can't fucking help it."

Our son's voice interrupted us. "Mama-dada mama-dada." I brought a finger to Edward's lips, and Masen repeated our names again.

"Did he wake up to say Happy New Year?" I asked.

"Shh," Edward said, and went to go check on him. He came out from behind the screen empty handed and laughing quietly. He couldn't seem to control it.

"What? What's so funny?"

"He-he's just like you," Edward laughed.

"What?"

"He's sleeping. He talks in his sleep like you."

"No." I covered my eyes and shook my head. "Of all my traits, he has to get that one?"

"I love that trait," Edward said, a finger pulling on my bottom lip. He kissed that lip.

"But I haven't done it in a long time. I can't remember the last time I spoke in my sleep."

He sat on the bed. "Last night," he said, the back of his hand drifting up my arm to my shoulder.

"No."

"Oh yes you did." He touched my nose. "You do it most nights, but I can't always understand you."

"What did I say last night, then?"

"You said bacon."

"Bacon?" I laughed. He did, too.

"Yeah, bacon and then eggs. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think… I think you were dreaming about breakfast."

"Bacon and eggs sound really good right now." I nodded. "I was probably dreaming about eating eggs and bacon at 12:15 on New Year's. My sleeping self is brilliant! Let's make some."

"Later," he said. "Right now--you sound good, right about now."

"Right about now?"

"Right now, this min-second. Five seconds ago."

"Then why aren't you tasting me?"

"Because I'm an idiot." His lips came toward mine. "Shh," he said, as if I'd said anything worth shushing. Maybe he was just warning me in his own buzzed way to keep quiet, so his lips could do what they do.

When he moved them to my throat, I said, "Edward, you know what?"

"What, love?"

I answered him with kisses, held his face and stood up. Then I pulled his pants and boxers off, and let my lips meet his chest. I kissed all over his chest and down his stomach. He sat on the bed and leaned back on his hands, and I continued all the way down, taking him into my mouth. His hands came to my head. For a moment I thought he was going to try to stop me, and there was no way I was going to let him. But his hands just tangled in my hair as he let out moans. Every once in a while I'd feel his fingers against my scalp, and then he'd fist my hair again.

"B-Bella," he said, and it was the last thing he said before I felt him orgasm.

He fell back against the bed with heavy breaths, and I let my cheek rest against his stomach, listening to his insides squirm as his breathing calmed.

"Bella," he said and tugged on my arm. "Bella."

I lifted my head.

"Come here, please." He motioned a lazy hand for me to come toward him.

"Yes, love?"

He smiled, covered his eyes with his arm, and laughed. "You're love," he said. He moved his arm. "Kiss me."

I did. And after a few moments, he flipped me over and kissed me over my body.

"You taste like…"

"Bacon?"

His breath tickled me as he laughed against my stomach. "No, definitely not. You taste like Bella." He continued kissing. "Dessert. So fucking good." He kissed me everywhere, just as I had done for him, until he brought me to my peak. And after, he didn't give me time to catch my breath before he made love to me. He told me he loved me as we made love, and then again just before he fell asleep on top of me. I had to push against his chest to get him to roll over enough so I could breathe. In his sleep he drew me close, and we slept tangled and naked on top of the covers.

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