A/N: For any of you, who might be wondering, Louis and Stanley are in their seventh year and they are both eighteen years old.
...
Louis watched anxiously as Stanley left the great hall. He had a desperate urge to run after him, but he thought that was probably not the wisest move to make just then, so he stayed where he was. Albus leaned across in front of Louis, apparently reaching for the bacon and whispered, "Go after him. It might be a good idea to try and talk to him right after he reads that letter."
"You think so?"
"Yes. You approach him at any other time and he might just tell you to fuck off, but he'll be too emotional after reading that letter to walk away. He may only yell at you, but at least you'll be talking."
"Okay," Louis whispered as he gathered his things. He had a pretty good idea where Stanley might be. They both had a free first period while most of the students in their year went to Herbology, so he's probably gone to the library, he thought, as he made his way up the stairs. He found Stanley in a secluded corner at the back of the library. He had the letter in his hand and he was turning it over and over, as he stared at it with a frown on his face. Then he seemed to make up his mind. He opened the letter and started to read.
Dear Stan,
I'll understand if you want to tear this letter into pieces right now, but I'm hoping, for both our sakes that you won't. I probably have no right to talk to you after everything that I did, but I can't help myself. I miss you Stan, I miss you so much. It hurts to look at you every day and think that we could've been together and that we could've been happy...if only I hadn't been such a coward. I've been a fool and a bigoted, small minded idiot. I've treated you very badly and I know that I've hurt you a lot. I am so sorry.
I don't know why I had so much trouble accepting the fact that I am attracted to you and that I want to be with you. It all seems so silly when I think about it now, but back then, it was somehow very important that I hold on to my identity as a straight man. I hate myself for letting something as trivial as that get in the way of our relationship.
It was very stupid of me to go out with Clara. When I heard that you were dating McMillan, I was jealous, but I didn't want to accept that feeling for what it was or think about what it meant. So when Clara asked me out, I agreed to go out with her just to spite you. We were together for four months and not once did I feel anything for her. I found myself comparing her unfavourably to you every time that we were together.
I cannot tell you how ashamed I am to write these words, but I have to accept what I did before I can make any attempt to fix it. And I do want to fix it, Stan. Though I didn't accept it at the time, I know that what we had was special.
Sorry is very inadequate word to use and I wish I had another at my disposal that would adequately express just how upset and distressed I am by my own behaviour. I have no explanation and no defence. I'm not asking you to forgive me; I know I don't have the right. But I am hoping, quite desperately that you'll give me another chance.
I treated you horribly and I have no excuse for my behaviour, but I have changed. I have stopped denying my feelings and pretending to be someone that I'm not. I care about you deeply and I'm ready to do anything that I have to, to convince you of my sincerity. I miss you so much. Please give us another chance, mon cher.
Lou.
Stanley felt his heart clench at that endearment. He would have given so much to hear Louis say that at one time. But that was months ago. Now it just made him angry. He seriously considered incinerating the damn letter, but he somehow got his anger under control and picked up the letter and read it again. He read it slowly, focussing on every word and every expression and he came away feeling overwhelmed.
He got the feeling that Louis was actually serious about his apology and that he was truly sorry for the things that he'd done. There was a part of him, the one that hadn't been able to get over Louis at all, that had been hoping that something like this would happen, that Louis would realise that he'd made a mistake and come back to him. And now he had.
But that doesn't mean that I am ready to forgive him or to trust him again. He broke my heart. He can't just write a damn letter an expect me to forgive him, he thought and then he looked up just as Louis walked over to him. They stared at each other for a few seconds. Stanley's first impulse was to tell Louis to fuck off and walk away from him, but he knew that he was too angry and too hurt to be able to do that. There was so much that he had been keeping inside him for months now, so much that needed to be said. It was a burden that he really couldn't carry any more.
Louis saw that Stanley was angry. It was something that he had expected and something that he knew he fully deserved, but that did not make it any easier to deal with. He was nervous and he found himself rather inconveniently, at a loss for words. So he stood there looking apologetic and waiting for the tirade that he knew was on its way. Stanley was seething. The longer he looked at Louis the angrier he got. He knew that he wouldn't be able to keep himself from shouting. And they were in the library.
"Let's not do this here," he said tersely and then he turned on his heel and walked out.
Louis followed him. He was rather surprised when Stanley led him all the way down to the dungeons and through the Slytherin common room. Louis had never been there before. Stanley had invited him many times, but he'd always refused saying that he didn't want anyone to know about them. He felt so stupid about that now, particularly when he saw the ease with which Albus and Scorpius seemed to move back and forth between their common rooms and dormitories. Everything about those two seems easy, he thought enviously as he followed Stanley into his dormitory. Stanley shut the door and locked it and then he turned to Louis and exploded.
"You're sorry, Lou, really? You stepped all over my heart and now you say sorry? How dare you? You think you can ignore me for months and then just write me a letter saying that you're sorry and expect me to forgive you?"
"I...don't expect you to forgive me, Stan. I just wish you'd give me another chance," Louis said as gently as he could.
"Another chance to do what? Use me and then screw me over?"
Louis sighed. "I...deserve that. What I did was selfish and cruel, but I wasn't using you, I swear. It's true that I refused to accept our relationship for what it was, but I kept coming back to you because I couldn't stay away, Stan, not because I was trying to take advantage of you. You have to believe me..."
Stanley did believe him. He knew that Louis had not been taking advantage of him. The problem had been his inability to accept that he wanted to be with a man. Somehow that had been a huge admission for him to make. And when I insisted that he had to acknowledge our relationship or end it, he panicked and ran because he was simply not ready to accept it yet, Stanley thought. But that still doesn't make it okay. He abandoned me. He walked away from our relationship like it was nothing.
"You have every right to be angry," Louis continued. "But I'm honestly sorry. I can't undo anything that I did, but I could make it up to you, if you would let me. I'm sorry I kept denying it, but we had a pretty special relationship, Stan. We can't just throw it away."
Stanley was furious. The word relationship coming from Louis really set him off. "What relationship? The one that you kept insisting that we didn't have? We were together for six months, Lou and you never once admitted that you felt anything for me. I kept waiting and hoping that you would come around but you didn't. I gave you so many chances. I forgave you again and again. And yet, you walked away from me. Do you know how much that hurt, you bastard?" Stanley said. He had to take a deep breath to keep from choking up.
Louis saw that and it made him feel even worse. He had no idea what to say. How does one apologise for the unforgivable? He thought. "I know I hurt you, Stan. I was horrible to you, and I wish I hadn't been..." He said and his eyes started to fill with tears. Stanley tried not to be affected by them, but he couldn't quite manage it.
"I know that I never once told you that I cared about you," Louis continued, as he tried to blink away the tears, "but I did, a lot. I just wasn't ready to admit it. All that time with Clara only made me realise how special you are and how much you mean to me. I've had a long time to think about us and everything that we did together and I can't deny my feelings anymore. I don't want to."
"I've been very unhappy without you, Stan. I know I don't deserve another chance, but I'm asking for it anyway. You have to believe me when I tell you that I've changed. I want you back and I don't care who knows about us and what they're going to think and all the other nonsense that I let get in the way the last time around..."
Stanley felt his heart begin to melt. Louis sounded like he really meant everything that he'd said and angry as he was he couldn't deny that he wanted Louis back in his life. But I can't risk it, he thought. I cannot risk my heart like that again.
...
Albus hoped that Louis would be able to talk things out with Stanley. He knew that it was too much to expect Stanley to forgive Louis right away, but he hoped that they would begin to talk to each other at least...and then he started to worry about his own life. He was planning to tell his teammates of his decision to quit the team. He had considered waiting until he got home and telling James and Lily first, but Scorpius had suggested that it might be better to do it before they went home for the holidays.
"I think you should tell them as soon as you can," he'd said, when they had talked about it the previous night. "We only have two days of school left before the break, so if you tell them now, you'll only have to put up with a couple of days of your team mates trying to make you change your mind or yelling at you or whatever. They can't do anything in the holidays and by the time we come back to school, they'll have got used to the idea. You'll still be stuck with James and Lily, but that's a lot better than having your entire house at your throat."
That was advice that had made a lot of sense to him, so he'd decided that he was going to gather his team in the common room after dinner and tell them then. It was not something he was looking forward to at all, but I can't put it off any more, he thought, as he made his way to the dungeons for Potions class with Scorpius beside him. Scorpius took his hand and squeezed lightly. "It'll be fine, love. They might be angry to begin with, but they'll come around, trust me."
"Yeah, I know. It's just that I hate confrontations and things have just settled down with Jamie and I don't want to have to argue and fight with him again."
"He may not want to fight with you either, you know."
"Perhaps, but he will not like the idea of my quitting the team and neither will Lily. In fact I can see her getting quite spectacularly angry. And though I'm only going to be telling my team mates, the entire house will get involved. And once they realise that they can't make me change my mind, they'll do everything they can make me feel like a worm."
"Really?"
"Yeah. They won't leave me alone. It's a Gryffindor thing. They're fiercely loyal, but they can gang up on you and get really hostile if they think you've betrayed them. And this will seem like betrayal of the worst kind, because quidditch is practically religion to them."
"Interesting how you keep referring to Gryffindors as them," Scorpius said softly.
Albus flushed. "That wasn't deliberate, but it does a good job of expressing my feelings, I guess. I've never really felt like I belong there."
"Well, if things get too bad, you can always run across to Ravenclaw. My housemates have all grown rather fond of you and it seems they are so used to seeing us together that if they ever see me alone they ask me where you are."
"Yeah. Rosie told me the other day that some of them have taken to calling me an honorary Ravenclaw."
"And why not? You are the only student from another house who gets into our common room as easily as any of us.'
They had almost reached the Potions classroom, when Scorpius pulled his boyfriend aside. He took Albus' hands in his and looked right into his eyes. "It is going to be difficult and I know how much you hate it when someone says nasty things to you and you may have to face quite a bit of that in the next couple of days, but it will be fine. You need to do this, you need to assert yourself and everyone is just going to have to accept it. Now stop thinking about it, alright."
"Okay," Albus said as he smiled rather ruefully.
"Good. Now let's get inside the class before dad decides to dock points."
...
"No, Lou. I can't give you another chance," Stanley said, gently. They'd been talking for the better part of an hour now and his anger was almost entirely gone.
"Even though you still care about me?"
Stanley opened his mouth to refute that statement, but then he decided against it. His anger and hurt had made his feelings obvious, so what's the point in denying it? "Yes," he said, "even though I care about you, I can't give you another chance, because...because I can't risk my heart like that again."
Louis felt like he'd been punched in the gut. He had been expecting that Stanley would say something like this, but he'd been holding on to a tiny bit of hope...He sighed. "Why?" He said. "Is it because you don't believe anything that I said?"
"I do believe you, Lou, but I don't trust you. I can't. Not again."
"Hmmm...Can I ask you something?" Louis said.
"Sure."
"Why did you break up with McMillan?"
"Um...I hadn't got over you and though I liked him and all that, I kind of froze every time he came close to me, so..." Stanley trailed off looking embarrassed.
"Stan, surely we deserve another chance, if we both care about each other..."
"When you put it like that, yes. But we didn't break up because we had problems with each other. We broke up because you couldn't accept our relationship or acknowledge your feelings for me. It cut too deep, Lou. It hurt too much. I really don't think I can get past that."
"Can't say I blame you for feeling like that," Louis said and then he stood up and walked towards the door.
Then he turned around and said, "But don't think I'm going to give this up so easily, Stan. I...I don't know if this is the right time to say this, but...I love you...and I'm not going to give up on you, no matter what you say."
He stood there for another minute, looking Stanley right in the eye and letting him see that he'd really meant what he'd said and then he quickly undid the locking spell on the door and left. Stanley was stunned. He sat on his bed with a thud and shook his head trying to make sense of everything that had happened. He'd woken up just a few hours ago, thinking about Louis, the way he always did and wondering hopelessly when he would get over him. And then there was that letter and the apology that he'd waited so desperately for and then Louis saying that he loved him...he felt as if his world had been turned upside down and he had no idea what to do.