Author : Juana
Title: "I'm Thankful for You"
Disclaimer: I do not own the original television characters in my story, they are the property of the CW Network and 7th Heaven.
Authors Note: My apologies for the long dry spell. I was laid off and my writing time has been sucked up with job searching. No luck yet
I did write a particularly long chapter in hopes of compensating for my absence. Enjoy!
It had seemed so perfect – that moment in Martin's arms outside the church.
Almost too perfect in fact, it made it hard to remember that for several very long months they had been virtual strangers living separate and very different lives.
Her life path hadn't so much changed Ruthie thought to herself – no it was more that it had…altered itself to accommodate a life without Martin.
She had literally had to retrain her way of thinking to be able to exist in a world without him.
The first few months had been the worst – the crying, the depression and the huge inability to even get out of bed. It had just seemed easier to stay there some days.
But as those days had turned into weeks Mac had stepped in to save her and that was where the friendship they now shared had been born.
A friendship that made it easier for her to talk to him than just about anybody else about what she was now feeling.
"Calm down Ruthie you're seriously going to hyperventilate." Mac said forcing her to acknowledge that she was being anything but rational at the moment.
"I'm an idiot Mac – I never should have broken down on him like that." Ruthie moaned visions of her recent and embarrassing surrender to the pain that had ended with her practically throwing herself into Martin's arms running through her mind now.
"He doesn't think that you're an idiot and neither should you." Mac said giving her his best reassuring tone.
He hated that he was caught in the middle again. He wanted desperately to tell Ruthie what Martin was thinking and vice versa, but if he'd learned anything from his suitcase full of mistakes it was to mind his own business.
Still he thought – a little nudge couldn't hurt…could it?
"How could he not? I practically molested him on the front lawn of the church." Ruthie whined.
Mac took in Ruthie's perfectly perfected pout and grinned.
"Yeah that might work on other guys' princess but I'm wise to you." Mac informed her.
"I have no idea what you're talking about." Ruthie said continuing her pout even though Mac was proving to be quite impervious to it.
"I know you want me to agree with you – but I can't – not this time." Mac stated.
"Why not?" Ruthie quizzed intrigued by her friends stance of not backing her up in her misery.
Mac sighed. He knew now that he was going to get involved he just couldn't help himself.
"Because I'm pretty sure the only thing Martin was thinking as he held you today was…finally." Mac informed her.
"Finally?" Ruthie parroted confused.
"Yes…Finally. As in finally she is leaning on me – depending on me to help her." Mac said pointedly wanting to make sure Ruthie was processing all the major information he was giving her.
"I always leaned on him." Ruthie said her defenses going up.
Mac put his arm around Ruthie drawing her closer – instinctively knowing his next sentence had the ability to really hurt her – still it was a truth he knew she needed to acknowledge now that she was more like her old self again.
"You never leaned on him after the accident Ruthie…not once." Mac said doing his best to try and clear her foggy, off centered memories.
Inside the Camden's home Martin was doing his best to try and be helpful to keep his mind preoccupied.
He had been trying to talk to Ruthie since they arrived back at the house but she had been doing a very deliberate job of avoiding him and it stung – but it practically blew a hole in his ego when she silently slipped out the back door purposefully dragging Mac with her.
Martin knew that he had enlisted Mac to keep an eye on Ruthie for him when he left, but he had never expected the deeply engrained friendship that Mac and Ruthie now shared.
Ruthie confided everything in Mac now and it drove Martin just a little crazy to know that.
Still he endured it because he had never wanted Ruthie to be alone in the mess their lives had become towards the end.
Glancing out the window and seeing Mac pull Ruthie into his arms now though he kind of wished he'd left it alone – his insane need to protect her at all costs was turning on him far too quickly.
He realized he just couldn't take it anymore – he needed more than anything to get out of there.
He couldn't breathe, because every breath he took just hurt with aching and confusion.
Turning quickly to face Lucy he did his best to smile. "I think I'm going to take a rain check on Thanksgiving dinner." Martin informed her.
"Why? Lucy started only to realize in the next instance by simply glancing out the window what must be motivating him.
"She wants you here Martin…I promise you." Lucy said confidently.
"It doesn't matter – that's not it. It's this whole thing, it's just very overwhelming. I wanted to honor your mom's memory today and I have so I'm just going to go." Martin said while untying the apron she had forced him to wear to protect his church clothes.
"You think you're honoring my mom by giving up on Ruthie so easily – she wanted you two together. She loved you like a son Martin." Lucy said laying it on thick in an attempt to keep him there until he could clear the air with her sister – she owed Ruthie that.
"I can't believe you just went there." Martin said a little annoyed.
"Somebody had to. You and Ruthie just keep running these impossible circles around each other refusing to see what's right in front of you – each other."
Sensing his wife was treading on very fragile territory Kevin finally stepped in.
"Her heart is in the right place Martin." He said putting his arm around a riled up Lucy to calm her down.
"I know…that's the problem right now everybody in this room wants me and Ruthie to patch things up – that's my dream too, but lets face it…it's not going to happen when she won't even talk to me."
"Martin…" Lucy started but he quickly cut her off sensing the impending breakdown that pushed ferociously against his willpower.
"No…just leave it alone Lucy. I can't stay." He said with a finality that shocked both her and Kevin.
With his decision made it took him only a few minutes to find his dad and thank the Reverend for the invitation and then he was gone.
Mere minutes had passed after his departure before Ruthie and Mac made their entrance back into the house.
Every eye was on them – no one wanting to the bearer of the bad news.
Still, in the short amount of time from Martin's departure and Ruthie's entrance back into the house Mary had been the one elected to tell her what had happened and reluctantly she now did so feeling empathy at the pain that etched itself on Ruthie's face now.
Mary knew a part of Ruthie had hoped for some mending of old wounds on this occasion and now it looked like she wasn't going to get it.
It saddened Mary to see her sister enduring yet another blow to her happiness.
"Maybe you should just go talk to him." She couldn't help suggesting.
Ruthie knew that Mary was probably right, but she was afraid – it was a fear that sunk deep into her pores and threatened her calm exterior with breaking.
If not for Mac it probably would have been enough to make her back down and play the victim again, but Mac had put it all on the line for her out in the yard earlier.
Martin hadn't moved on yet because he still believed there was hope but Mac was convinced that if Ruthie shot down that last bit of belief he still clung to that the damage would be irreversible this time.
It was a reality that had jolted Ruthie enough to cast her fear aside, hug her sister and bolt out the door and across the street to the Brewer's house.
This was not the way he had wanted the day to turn out thought Martin as he lay on his bed, the tears falling silently down his face.
It was over and he was being destroyed by that stark realization.
He had lost her – Ruthie was never coming back.
This was his reality – he was alone and shattered, his heart crumbled and crushed to a pulp.
He could have hated God in that moment for making him endure all that he had and to still come out empty handed, but instead he thanked him.
He acknowledged the gift of time he had given him with Ruthie and he prayed silently for her happiness.
It was a true testament of his love for her in that moment that he was willing to want nothing but the best for her.
And he prayed for strength – he knew it was a rough path ahead of him and he needed it to keep him from wallowing in the loss.
Everything in his life was different to him now – the rose colored glasses of hope for a future with Ruthie were off.
Subconsciously he was preparing himself to move on. Because once you let go it's the next logical step.
And in that moment he was finally letting go. He knew he had endured all the pain that he could handle but he hoped that someday they could be friends again when it hurt less.
They were two people at complete cross purposes.
He was letting go while outside his front door Ruthie stood firm in her decision that she was finally ready to fight for what she wanted and to stop feeling victimized by her rollercoaster life.
Ruthie knew all she needed to do was knock but although her resolve was firm her hand still remained frozen at her side as her mind went wild with the possibilities of how this encounter could go.
She knew she had so much to she wanted to say to him, she only hoped he would give her the opportunity. She really had no guarantee that it wasn't already too late.
It was those kinds of insecurities that made her unsure if being here was a good idea or not.
And she must have turned to go a half dozen times before she finally got the courage up and timidly knocked.
Martin was in the bathroom splashing water on his face when he heard the knock, still it was so faint he wasn't entirely sure it hadn't been his imagination and he had almost decided to ignore it when the chime of the doorbell shattered the silence of the house.
He suspected it was Lucy with her well meaning ways and that was almost enough to keep him silent hoping she would go away – but the Camden's were never known for backing down, particularly Lucy, so he picked up the hand towel off the sink and wiped his face before going to investigate who the un-welcomed visitor was.
As the front door of the Brewer home started to open Ruthie self consciously reached up to smooth down her chin length hair.
Her prayer was that Martin would open the door and it would be instantly obvious that he was happy to see her.
The look she got however was more shocked than happy and she felt her hope diminish just a little as she gave him a resigned smile – this wasn't going to be an easy talk that was the only thing obvious to her now.
It had never even entered Martin's mind that it might be Ruthie at the door, but there she stood on his father's doorstep, inches away from him and he was to put it mildly…unprepared.
"Ruthie?" "What are you doing here?" Martin asked the faint spark of hope lighting inside him again.
"I'm sorry if this is a bad time – I just think that we need to talk about some things."
What an understatement thought Martin, outwardly though he tried to play it a little more reserved.
He didn't want to be the first one to approach the hope of reconciliation. Though he had been the one to leave – he needed her to be the one to ask him back.
He knew how he felt but he needed to know that she needed him – that she felt the same way as he did.
"Sure…come on in." He said moving aside to allow her access into the house.
It was immediately obvious to Ruthie that Martin was holding back and she knew it was more than likely that she and her past treatment of him was the reason – she really wanted to make things better but she felt at a loss to do so.
It was a lot harder than she thought it would be to be in the same room with him, and even though the couch was comfortable, she wasn't.
Sensing Ruthie's discomfort Martin reacted. "Can I get you some water?"
"Yes." Ruthie said thankfully feeling as if the room was closing in her. She was nervous and the nerves made her parched and sweaty at the same time.
Coming back from the kitchen Martin handed her the water and she downed it like it was the best glass of water she'd ever had.
As she put the empty glass on the coffee table in front of her she finally turned to look at him as he sat perched on the edge of the chair across from her.
"I didn't think it was going to be this difficult." Ruthie admitted.
Martin smiled. "I won't bite. I promise."
It was enough to break the palpable tension and Ruthie smiled back.
"I miss you." She said sincerely.
"I miss you too." Martin allowed himself to admit.
Ruthie felt her heart soar at that remark. He missed her…it was a good start.
Still it was just a start.
" I've thought daily about what I would say to you ever since my dad told me you were going to be at the memorial." Ruthie admitted somewhat sheepishly.
"And?" Martin prodded sensing there was much more to that statement.
"And now I can't remember a single sentence or form a coherent though, so I'm just going to have to wing it." She told him.
He wasn't sure what she wanted him to do – interject, let her think…etc, so he stayed silent and waited until she finally spoke.
"I know I've hurt you Martin and I'm sorry."
The one thing he had decided a long time ago was that when she finally took the time to apologize for all the hurtful things she'd done he would accept her apology, but he would not under any circumstance make her feel that what she had done was okay.
It had wounded him far too deep and shattered many, many illusions of who she was to him.
"I accept your apology." He said stoically.
Man he wasn't giving an inch thought Ruthie in a panic – she was going to need to do better than this.
"But do you forgive me?" She prodded.
Here it was the moment of truth thought Martin. He could lie to himself and her and spin this in a favorable direction or he could tell the truth.
He chose the truth knowing it was the only way they would be able to trust each other in the future.
If he lied to her now it would only make things worse. She needed to understand just exactly how much damage she had inflicted on their relationship if there was ever going to be any hope of moving forward together.
"I forgive you…but please don't expect me to forget what's happened." He said taking a deep breath making it apparent he had a lot more to say on this matter.
Ruthie felt sick to her stomach at his admission.
She was certain now that he wasn't ready to mend fences – he just wanted to have his say.
So she would let him. It was the least she owed him for everything she had put him through.
If he needed a punching bag to verbal vent his frustrations on – she would willing be one for him.
He looked deeply into her eyes before starting and almost reconsidered. He didn't want to hurt her – still it needed to be said, to be understood.
He had endured in silence for too long, giving her the time she needed to grieve and regroup.
It was a talk that would have to happen now or he knew it never would and that if it didn't could be a detriment to their possible reconciliation.
"Everything that happened from your mom's death on has affected me. The lies, the yelling, and the way you shut me out…it all came with consequences."
Ruthie knew he was right but it still hurt to hear his confession.
"I love you Ruthie." Damn! He had not intended to be the first to say that after such a long time apart from each other – it had just sort of slipped out.
"I love you too Martin." Ruthie said quickly wanting him to understand that she had no hesitation in that department.
"I'm glad. But that is why it's hard to say this to you." He continued; causing Ruthie to worry knowing that any sentence started in that way couldn't be good.
"I don't know where we are supposed to go from here."
Okay that wasn't so bad and he actually gave her kind of an opening she realized.
"I was hoping that maybe we could start over." She said less brave than she actual felt in that moment.
"You mean as friends?" Martin questioned.
It wouldn't be good not to clarify – jumping to conclusions could really make him look like an idiot here he realized.
Friends? Ruthie thought. Is that all he wanted was friends? The mere thought that Martin was no more interested in her than that made her feel as if her heart was cracking in to a million pieces.
It would be easy to let her pride get in the way here. To not admit to him the depth of her needs and desires.
But it would be just another roadblock and she was tired of roadblocks.
"No…as a couple, I want my boyfriend back." She admitted barely above a whisper so afraid to hear his reaction.
"You do?" Martin said a little surprised that she had been so straightforward about her feelings.
"I do, and even though I have no right to expect that it's what you want too…it's what I want – it's what I need."
Martin wanted to shout out in happiness, she had said the magic word. She NEEDED him.
It was as if a giant weight had been lifted off of his chest. He felt as if he was finally being released from the prison of unhappiness he had been residing in since he had left her.
A prison she still lived in as she waited for some response to what she had just told him.
Unable to take the waiting she spoke up again – she hated to ask it but she needed to know if her next question held any bearing on his silent processing.
"Am I too late?" Ruthie asked tension filling her body from head to toe in anticipation of his answer.
Purposefully Martin got up from the couch and walked over to her pulling her up against his chest and into his arms to give her a warm and loving hug.
It felt beyond amazing to have her in his arms again in a happy capacity – to know that she was where she really wanted to be…no needed to be.
He knew he would never tell her how completely true his next statement was, or how close to giving up he had been.
"No. You're right on time." He answered his voice husky with renewed feelings for her.
Feelings he couldn't and didn't want to stave off as his craving to feel the warmth of her sensuous lips on his accelerated by the minute – it had been far too long since he had been that intimate with her and he was afraid it might seem a little awkward – he couldn't have been more wrong.
Kissing her again ignited all the long distinguished sparks that had always existed between them.
It was almost impossible to believe in that moment that they had been denying themselves this pleasure for so long without going just a little bit crazy.
Because that was how he felt now, completely crazy and starved for the affectionate and sensual nature of her touch and lips.
He wanted her in the worst way and it was overtaking all his common sense as he continued to hungrily kiss her, molding her body closer until it felt like they were sharing the same skin.
It was that familiar precipice that they had lived on for so long, always denying themselves that final leap over the edge.
Today he wanted to scoop her into his arms and do the unthinkable and just leap off that edge without any second guessing or doubts.
She was back in his arms and he wanted her as close as he could get her – afraid if he let her go she would again be gone – just a figment in his dreams.
It didn't take a mind reader to know where Martin's thoughts had wandered even in the foggy, passion filled haze that he had led her into – scratch that she had willing gone, but still the answer to the equation was the same and the end result would be the culmination of their two bodies joined in love.
It was a disaster in the making as far as she was concerned. Although she felt she was ready she was worried about the guilt that Martin would have to deal with later.
It had been this very subject that had put them at odds after her mother's death.
"Martin…we can't do this." Ruthie said as she reluctantly pulled away from him.
"I'm pretty sure we can." Martin said bringing his lips back to hers, taunting her with the passion he put behind his kiss.
His kisses as usual knocked her completely off balance and sent her brain into a spiral loop de loop.
"Oh my God you are impossible." She said purposefully extracting herself from him now.
She needed to be a safe distance from him – his sexual magnetism having an undeniable pull for her.
Sheepishly and more than a little frustrated Martin looked at her. "You're awfully far away."
"And you are awfully forgetful."
"You didn't want to do this…remember?"
"I can't believe you've decided to pick now to be moral." Martin moaned.
"I've had a lot of time to come to grips with the promise you made to God and I'm okay with it now." Ruthie informed him.
"I suppose I should appreciate that you're being strong." Martin ruefully admitted.
"And yet you're not." Ruthie realized much to her chagrin.
It was painfully obvious to her now that promise or not Martin wanted her…today. Not after they were married or next year, or next month or even next week.
Martin no longer wanted to wait and she suspected that she knew why – aside from the obvious lust factor of course.
It might be a long shot but she decided to say it anyway – to reassure him and make him feel just a little more confident again.
"It wouldn't have changed anything Martin. I really believe that."
"You've lost me."
"I know you think that if we had slept together that day that we would have never had to endure the last year apart, but you're wrong." Ruthie assured him
Martin wanted to stop her right there to tell her not to dredge up old wounds but it was hitting his insecurities a little too close to home.
So he let her continue.
"I was being anything but understanding back then and having sex wouldn't have changed that. I would have just found something else to make me miserable if I couldn't have used you not being willing to sleep with me."
"You were miserable." Martin said a little hurt to hear it even though realistically he had known it all along.
"I was a mess. I blamed myself for my mom's death and I wanted everyone around me to hurt as much as I did." Ruthie confessed feeling relieved that she had finally told him.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"You could have told me." Martin stressed.
"Because I blamed you too."
Martin had believed as much back then himself but to actually hear her say it out loud was an unexpected blow.
"You thought I was responsible for your mom's death?" He said unable to hide the shock registering visibly on his face now.
"Please don't hate me. I imagined all kinds of what if scenarios – what if she hadn't caught me at your house – what if I hadn't forced her to come and talk with me – what if I'd never moved to San Diego to be with you. All horrible thoughts, so now you see why I didn't want to share how I was feeling back then."
Yeah he did. And he kind of wished she still hadn't shared.
It was hard to realize how bitter she had been towards him and that he could never have been there for her back then because she had believed he was the source behind all that had gone wrong in her life.
"It took being in grief therapy for me to finally see the big picture." Ruthie admitted hoping it would lessen a little of the bite of her former statement.
"And what's the big picture?" Martin asked even though he was dreading the answer.
"That it wasn't anyone's fault – we can't change our fate without information that we aren't being given and that life is always going to be about choices and we will always have to make them."
"If we stop making choices – we stop living."
It was in that moment that Martin realized just how much Ruthie had grown in their time apart. How life had handed her a sour set of circumstances and she had learned from them.
He was pretty sure he was falling more in love with her by the minute.
"You've changed."
"For the better I hope." Ruthie said smiling.
"Let's just say…I'm impressed." Martin admitted.
"I still have a long way to go towards being a better Ruthie, but I'm trying."
"Just don't lose the old parts of the Ruthie that I love and adore." Martin chided.
"I still have my old temper if that helps at all."
"It's a huge part of your irresistible charm." Martin joked
To back up her words Ruthie picked up a throw pillow off the coach and chucked it at him in mock anger.
And soon they were in engaged in a rowdy pillow fight which ended with her pinned to the floor and him panting heavily as he straddled her.
"And here we are again." Martin said amused by her precarious position as he planted a light but tasty kiss on her lips and she squirmed beneath him in protest.
Having won this battle he rolled off her and lay down next to her holding her hand while he played innocently with her fingers, loving how they felt in his.
It was a lovely moment that Ruthie wanted to last forever.
Martin however had another idea. It hit him like a sledgehammer as he lay there completely absorbed by his love for her.
"I'll be right back." Martin said surprising Ruthie with his quick disengage followed by an abrupt exit.
But before she had time to miss him he was back with a mischievous grin on his face.
"Sit in the chair." Martin ordered.
Intrigued Ruthie did just as he said and before she knew it he had sat on the edge of the coffee table in front of her.
"I love you Ruthie, I think to some degree I always have – even when I was stupid and trying to deny it."
"I love you too." Ruthie said with pride
"Good…that's good. It makes what I'm about to say a lot easier."
"Okay. Now I'm curious. Ruthie admitted.
Martin had imagined this moment in his mind about a million times after he had fallen in love with Ruthie and he wanted it to be perfect. He knew it was about the biggest thing he would ever do before an actual proposal and he wanted her to understand the significance behind what he was about to offer her.
"Before you get all freaked out…this isn't an actual proposal for a number of reasons – one, I know we're both too young and still in school and two I want the real proposal to be a spectacular one that you will never forget."
Ruthie was pretty sure she was going to start crying any minute now as Martin pulled out a blue velvet box and opened it to expose a beautiful ring with an emerald stone in the center.
"This was my moms."
Before he could say another word the tears were there.
"I can't take that Martin – it's yours." Ruthie stressed knowing it belied how desperately she wanted to take it.
"This is the very reason my mom gave it me before she died. She told me to give it to the woman I planned to marry. That's you Ruthie and this ring is my promise of that happening."
Ruthie knew that what Martin was doing he wasn't doing lightly. The ring he was now placing on her finger was a piece of his mom and she had meant the world to him.
"She would have loved you Ruthie just like I do."
"It's beautiful Martin." Ruthie said holding her hand up to admire the way it caught the light and to bask in the symbol it would show to the world.
She was Martins –and she couldn't have been happier.
Romy on the other hand could have as she reached Mac's voicemail again and left him yet another message that he still had yet to return.
"Again Mac – you need to get back to San Diego like yesterday. Someone came by and dropped something off for you that I think you need to see.
Seeing Romy's number again Mac waiting until it had gone to voicemail again before picking it up because sometimes she could be impossible. Whatever imagined emergency she had she was really doing the drama queen routine this time and he just didn't feel like dealing with it today.
Finally the beep of the phone signaled another message had been left and Mac was just about to dial his voicemail to pick it up, when Martin and Ruthie came into the Camden kitchen where everyone had gathered for pie.
The sight of them together said it all but still everyone waited for confirmation before jumping the gun with congratulations.
"Well??" Lucy said never one to be patient.
"Yes. Fine, if you have to be all up in our business, Martin and I are back together!" Ruthie said gleefully causing her father to smile because it was the first sincere smile he had seen on her face in a long time.
Instantly everyone was congratulating them and telling them how happy they were for them.
It was a bittersweet moment for Mac though because he knew Ruthie would no longer need him and he was going to have to face his problems with Romy on his own. Ruthie's life would be Martin centered once again.
And that was as it should be Mac admitted to him self. They were the quintessential perfect couple and he envied the love they shared.
Although he had Romy because of all the problems they'd been encountering lately he wasn't sure if he could say they were truly in love. Still watching Martin and Ruthie made him want to try harder to make it work.
Speaking of which, he should probably pick up his voice mail and see what the three –alarm fire was all about.
And he realized…if he wanted things to work with her he should probably make the effort to call her back.
In fact he was a little psyched. It would be neat having the group of them all back together and happy.
This was turning out to be a good Thanksgiving after all.