Chapter XXXVI

…

Staring at yourself bare-ass naked in the bathroom mirror is… something.

My skin was tainted, less olive toned than it normally was. A deep shade of purple filling in the underneath's of my eyes. My ribs were once again like piano keys or speed bumps. Split-ends and dryness overtaking what one would call my hair. My eyes a little empty and less silvery as a spectator would point out.

My reflection was something that didn't appease me. It surfaced all insecurities I held. It made me realize who I was and who I wasn't. It brought back nightmares and unwanted memories.

Me, now, in front of the bathroom mirror reminded me of months ago of the day following Gloss's party over Thanksgiving break. I remember the achiness of my bones when I rolled out of the bed and the bruises that covered my skin when discarded some of my clothes. I remember what Cato had done the pervious had evening and most of all I remembered what Peeta had done in response.

Peeta I had come to realize was too good for my own good.

And then there were people like Cato who were - who were acceptable I suppose.

But then again, acceptable wasn't always my thing, I always liked to disregard standards.

I had gone out a few times after the "Peeta situation." I thought it'd be like before, after Prim's death. I'd go to a few parties, maybe slip into a bar every now and then and get drunk and get lucky and forget. It wasn't though; I had tried a few times. I'd gone to one of Patterson's parties and I had snuck into the Dead Dog. I screwed with Cato and Gloss as well. It didn't do it though, it wasn't like before, it wasn't a source of forget, but a source of regret, horrible, painful regret.

Rye's words still rattled through my head. Haymitch's words rattled through my head. Sae's words rattled through my head. Emil's words rattled through my head. Gale's words rattled through my head. And Finn's and Annie's and Patterson's and Rory's and Hazel's and Thresh's and Cinna's and just about every other person imaginable.

Each and every one of the words they spoke to me were different. Each and every one of their words shouted and whispered something different through my mind.

It was all too much and at the same time, it wasn't enough.

Letting out a deep breath, I look at my reflection one more time. I take it all in, memorizing who I was, who I am, and what I'll become. And so when I can't look anymore, the image immersed somewhere deep in the back of my mind for me to always remember, I turn away and slip on my clothes.

It's when I'm fit into my jeans and black tank top of choice that I flip off the bathroom light and turn to my room. I pull on my boots and grab one of my lighter flannels. I stuff my wallet along with the red flannel shirt into my bag and grab my keys from my desk.

It's in that moment when my fingers grasp at the metal of the Harley's keys that Prim's letter catches in the corner of my eye. It still lies on my desk. It propped partly up on a diagonal under the light in the far left corner of the desk. Notebooks are stacked near it and pencils are sprawled across the face of the entirely. There are post-it notes with illegible scribbles sticking to the desk top and lamp. And in the middle of it all, the entire catastrophe, Prim's letter still lays.

I stare at it for a moment. It bringing back reminders and haunting me. Yet it is nothing but innocent. Perfect and fair and un-open. I know in the back of my head alongside the image of myself it is overdue. I know I should have read it by now and I know it is not right that I have set it aside, in the dark for so long.

I don't know what I am think or if I am thinking at all, but with my keys in hand I reach out and grab the letter before quickly stuffing it into my messenger bag where my wallet and flannel and notebooks and pencils are kept safe.

…

Cinna lives in a modest house… not that I'm surprised, I kind of suspected that.

What did surprise me was that be lived so close, just a couple miles from where I lived on the Seam side town of town. He lived in one of the older homes, a thin, two story house with white siding. His grass was green and sidewalk free of weeds. It was one of the more up kept homes in the Crest. It wasn't a shock to me, but I kind of always expected him to have some sort of flaw.

I mean, over the last year he came off pretty um, well… prefect.

He was young and nice looking in a not-creepy-high-schooler-admiration way. He was pretty chill and knew how to be pretty, hilariously sarcastic. He had a PhD in English and worked here, in the Valley District when he could be making a larger income in some big-city-university. He was not like Haymitch, coming to work half sober. He was a pretty good teacher, pushed us, his students to succeed.

He was a good person… and that's what made this moment ten times harder for me to do because admitting your wrongs and you insecurities so someone, especially someone that appeared to have none made your stomach curl. Yet, I sucked in a deep breath and knocked on the wooden door of his home and waited.

It only took a few moments before he was there and the door was open and…

"Katniss," he says caught off guard. "What are you doing here, at my house?"

"Ah," I say, nervously knotting my hands together. "I know this is inappropriate and that this can get you in trouble probably and in general is just wrong, but I had to um… make a right."

"Make a right?" He asks still caught off guard and at the same time interested.

He motions for me to step out of the way before shutting the door behind him. Then he steps down to the ground before sitting himself down on the top step and leaning his back against the door.

"Yeah," I say, taking a moment to sit beside him.

"Did you not write your valedictorian speech yet?"

"No, I didn't."

He surveys my face, "But that's not why you're here."

I shake my head. No.

"Want to tell me why you're here?"

"I ah, you know the project you had us do? What's the meaning of life?"

He nods.

"Well, I was paired up with Peeta, Peeta Mellark."

He nods his head, this time smiling. "Yes, I know Katniss, Peeta is one of my students."

"Right," I say nodding my head. "Well ah, long story short we were in a relation basically up to a month ago when I screwed things up. We weren't done our project, not even close to having it finished. And I, I barely - Scratch that, I basically didn't contribute at all. Whatever he handed into you the other day on our last day of class, that wasn't my work and it shouldn't be scored as if I had partaken in it all."

He's silent for a moment before nodding. "Thank you for telling me. You know I won't score the grade as yours and give you a failure for the grade, right?"

"Yes." I nod, reaching into my messenger bag and pulling out my marble notebook. "I was wondering if you would still be willing to take any work concerning the project so Peeta doesn't lose many points."

His eyes scan over the notebook before taking it in hand and skimming through the pages.

"I know it's not much, but as partners you were clear we both had to contribute to the project and this, this is in my own means what I suppose the meaning of life is or what I've found out about life."

He smiles. "Thank you, Katniss."

I nod my head and we sit there for a moment. But then when all had passed, the moment was gone and there was nothing left for me there, I stood up from the step and adjusted my bag over my shoulder. I take my keys in hand and give Cinna a think smile before retreating down the walkway to the curb where the Harley is parked.

It's before I am able to start the engines that he yells out to me, halfway down the walkway.

"How did you know where I lived?"

I smile. "Haymitch."

"Of course," he nods, smiling, too. "Well, I look forward to hearing your speech Tuesday evening. I expect it to be nothing less than satisfactory."

…

Emil didn't approach me after the six o'clock mass let out. I few people gave me odd looks and whisper soft words to whomever is beside them as they made their way down the aisle toward the exit, but none stopped to talk or tell me they were sorry for my lost. I think they all knew I just needed a moment to myself, that I just need peace. And I think, know Emil knew this. He just gave me a smile and allowed me to sit quietly in the last pew of the church long after the congregation had gone. At some point he had gone to, back to the directory to do whatever he had to.

Then it was just me. Me, God, and Prim's letter in my hand.

I ran my fingertips over the cornered of the pristine, white envelope. They were nothing less than perfect. They would always be about that. Prim had they kind of effect, character. She was always… pristine.

It still surprised me that we were related. We were so different. So, so different in a million ways.

I looked like our father with his olive skin and gray eyes that went with his coffee colored hair while she was a prefect, maybe even better image of our mother with simple blond hair and crystal blue eyes that glittered when she smiled. She was the one that did ballet and tap while I ran cross-country and track. She played piano with great elegance and I tumbled over the keys. She was kind and welcoming while I was judgmental and stubborn. She was outgoing, with numerous friends from numerous social groups while I could only count my friends on one of my hands.

It was weird. We were sisters, blood. Yet we could have been mistaken for strangers if not for our last name.

I let out a breath looking down at the face of the envelope where my name is written in Prim's elegant print:

Katniss

I mean, even our handwriting was different. Hers with its loops and curves that made it legible and easily identified as a girl's while mine looked like a font picked for a typewriter with its straight lines and uncharacterized flare, always noted to be too small for teacher to make out.

I take in a breath and turn over the envelope. I stare at the back where it's sealed and then I do what I should have done a long time ago and tear the paper of the pristine, white envelope and pull out her letter and read.

…

Note:

I think I will be wrapping up this story soon in possible a few more chapters.

Hope you have enjoyed reading it so far.