A/N Song used: Oh! Darling by The Beatles. I expected you guys to freak out with the last line of the last chapter, and you didn't disappoint. Let's see how much you like this one, and I am kind of hoping for a lot of reviews like last time, but I won't get my hopes up. I burned my fingers the other day and that's one reason why I didn't post again yesterday. Something ironic for you guys..I was watching the earthquake episodes of OC yesterday with my friend as the real one in Chino Hills was occuring. Pretty weird huh? R/R and enjoy!
"Marissa Cooper, will you marry me?"
After I heard those words, it was like the world just stopped. Ryan stared up at me for a long time, on his knee, a nervous smile on his face. Then after a while his smile kind of faded and he said, "I did say what I thought I did right? That wasn't all just in my head?"
"No, you said it," I say quietly. I sigh and pull my hand away from his slowly, avoiding his eye. "Um, I need to sit down."
He leads me over to the couch and I sit there and stare off into space, totally at a loss of what to say. After a while of just sitting there, I say, "I need some water."
Ryan nods and goes to get me some, remembering where to go from when he would come over here. He brought back some water and held it to my mouth, letting me sip a little bit. I didn't say anything still, but looked up into his concerned eyes to see that he was still hoping I'd say yes. He set the water down on a coaster and then sat on the very strong and sturdy coffee table. "So let me get this straight," I begin, looking off into space. "You leave for six months, I don't write, don't answer your calls, and avoid you the first day you get back…you hear that I'm pregnant, and after all of that, you still want to marry me?"
He nods and says, "More than anything."
I don't look at him, just remain looking at a speck on the wall. "It's not yours," I say quietly.
"What isn't mine?" he asks, but we both know what I'm talking about.
"The baby…it isn't yours," I repeat softly, still refusing to look at him.
"Is it his?" He asks, his voice suddenly a lot weaker than it was before. I see his eyes looking everywhere, him clenching his jaw to keep from getting too angry around me.
This was the moment that I'd been dreading for forever. I didn't want to tell him who's baby it was because he didn't need to know. But Ryan wouldn't give up that easily. He wouldn't leave me here with Steve if he knew what happened. Steve would be killed and then my baby would have no one. "It doesn't matter who he belongs to. He's my baby and that's all that you need to know," I say softly, looking away from him.
Oh! Darling, please believe me
I'll never do you no harm
Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm
"He?" Ryan asks, his voice breaking.
I nod and quietly whisper, "It's a boy."
Ryan stands and paces back and forth, his hand running over the top of his head. I take the time to look at him, like really look at him, for the first time since he arrived. He's wearing a black long sleeved shirt over a wife beater. His muscles only seemed to get more toned as he went away, and I wondered what he looked like without any clothes on at all. I cursed myself for thinking about it, knowing I probably would never get to see him that way again. That thought cut into my heart so sharply that I whimpered in pain for a moment. Ryan immediately turned to me and asks, "Are you okay?" I nod but don't say anything. Ryan comes back over to me and sits on the coffee table. "What happened to you?" He asks quietly, taking one of my hands into his. The knife in my heart gets twisted and I close my eyes to fight off the massive pain.
"You left," I finally murmur after a few minutes. I look into his eyes and see that it hurt him to hear me say those two words, cutting deep into him just like him being here is doing to me. His hair no longer falls into his eyes like I used to love, and he looks extremely tired. A part of me wonders if I'm the cause of that, or if it was just getting up so early at the training camp. Who am I kidding, the problem was me.
"I know, and I'm sorry for that," He murmurs, avoiding my eyes. He looks down at our hand together and rubs his thumb over the top of mine. I know that I should take away my hand and stay as far from him as possible, but I also know that's pretty much impossible whenever he's around.
I shrug and say, "I'm fine enough."
He shakes his head and says, "No, Marissa, you're not." He stares at me for a long moment and it annoys me that he just swoops in here and thinks that I'm not okay. Granted, I'm not, but I'm having a mood swing and him telling me that I'm not fine is really making it worse.
I pull my hands from his and cross it over my chest. "I am too fine," I say, pouting and acting like a little kindergartener.
Ryan looks at me confusedly and says, "No, you're not…" He stares at me, trying to comprehend the sudden change in me.
I shake my head and look away from him. "No, I'm not and you have no right to come in here and say it. You left me alone with everyone for six months and I have learned to be okay on my own. I got pregnant and such, but I can still be okay on my own…"
Oh! Darling, if you leave me
I'll never make it alone
Believe me when I beg you
Don't ever leave me alone
Ryan must guess that it's no use arguing with me on that subject so he asks, "How many months pregnant are you?"
"Five," I say, refusing to look into his eyes.
"Five," He repeats.
I nod and say, "Yes, five. As in five months. As in one month after you left this happened to me." I finally look up into those wonderful eyes of his and say, "I know that's what you're thinking."
"If I hadn't left, none of this would've happened," He says with a sigh, running his hand over his head again. I wonder if his short hair is as soft as it appears to be. I start to lift my hand, but then let it fall back to its position once again. No need to make things more complicated than they really are, and stroking the love of your life's head when you try to break up with him isn't exactly making things easier.
I nod and say, "Yeah, you're right." He looks at me like I just sucker punched him in the stomach and I add, "But that's not what's important. What's done is done and there's nothing we can do to change that."
"Doesn't make me feel any better," He mumbles.
"I didn't intend it to," Is my reply.
We just stare at each other for a long time and then Ryan reaches out his hand and strokes my face, staring at the bruises. I pull away but he keeps at it, continuing to assess my injuries. "You never told me it was this bad," He says quietly.
"It didn't used to be," I remind him.
"Well, you could've written me," he says, looking up into my eyes now. His hold a raw anger, but I know he'll never hurt me, so I'm not afraid.
"I was too busy being pregnant," I say bitterly, looking down at my arms.
He sighs and then softly says, "I'm sorry. I feel like this is all my fault…"
"It's not your fault. We don't choose who we fall in love with. You just happened to fall in love with the wrong person," I say, looking into his eyes now. I try to convey that I didn't mean to do this to him, that he'll be better without me. I try to explain that I really love him and that this is all for his own good.
He shakes his head and against my will takes my hands into his. He gets down on his knees and says, "No, you can never believe that."
"But you need to," I murmur, my voice barely audible. I try to look away from him but his eyes bore holes into me and I can't help but stare into them like I used to. Like I've been longing to since he left.
"No, I don't. I know that you're the one for me," He says, putting his hands on my thighs. I sigh and try to blink back my tears because I know what I have to do and it's going to be harder than anything I've ever done before. "And you know, deep down I know that you know that we're meant to be together."
"After everything that's come in between us, how can you possibly say that?" I ask, not believing him. Any normal guy would've left by now. Not only was I pregnant with another man's baby, but I was being abused, I didn't write to him, I admitted to not returning his calls and avoiding him. What did I need to do to make him get the picture?
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and cried
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and died
He smiles a little and it makes my heart melt, even though in order to do this job it needs to remain a block of ice. He tilts his head and tenderly says, "Because I love you, Marissa Cooper, no matter what you do. No matter how far you run, no matter how many bruises there are on your face…" He puts one hand on the side of my face and rubs it gently with his thumb. I sigh a little and he continues to smile. "I've told you I don't know how many times, and it's going to remain true. I love you and I will love you today, tomorrow, next week, next year…a million years after that."
His words make me start to cry and he tries to wipe my tears away, but I fight him. He ends up winning and gets up, pulling me into his arms. I don't even try to resist him, just let my tears stain his shirt. "We can't…"
"But we can," He assures me.
"I can't," I murmur.
"Yeah, you can," He murmurs into my ear, sending shivers down my spine.
"Ryan, I'm pregnant with another man's baby," I point out to him, pulling away from his shirt and look into his eyes. "That has to bother you some."
"I know that you'd never cheat on me, and I know it's his," He assures me, his eyes getting hard when he thinks of Steve.
"How can you be so sure?" I ask, looking at him with raised eyebrows. "What makes you think I didn't get it on with the pool boy or something?"
"Because you're not that kind of person, and you love me," He says with a smile. He leans in and kisses me softly, tenderly…I can't help it…I kiss him back. I feel a fluttering I my stomach, but this is an old familiar feeling that I always used to get when around Ryan. I have to admit, I'd missed the butterflies. He continues to kiss me, obviously feeling pleased to have me kissing him back. I reach to run my hands through his hair, but then remember that he barely has any and finally get to feel how soft it is beneath my hands. I smile a little, and then just wrap my arms around his neck. He deepens the kiss, his tongue sliding into my mouth after what feels like a million years.
He runs his hands up my shirt, feeling my belly and then he pulls away a little. I look into his eyes, trying to measure his reaction, but then he just smiles and leans in to kiss me again. He continues to run his hands up my shirt, and finally to my breasts. I try not to moan, but just can't help it. He's too good with his hands, and way too good at pleasing me in general that it's impossible not to. I kiss him desperately, knowing that this is wrong and I should be pulling away. But he keeps making small advances and before I know it both of our shirts are off, showing just how pregnant I am. Ryan looks down at me for a minute, looking at my pregnant belly, and it makes me feel fat and disgusting. "You're just too beautiful," He murmurs, then leans in to kiss me again.
I don't know how or why, but when he says that, I suddenly stop and pull away. He raises his eyebrows and I feel the tears prick the back of my eyes. "Ryan…" I murmur, and then climb off of him.
Oh! Darling, if you leave me
I'll never make it alone
Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm
He groans as I put my shirt back on. He stands and comes over to me, putting on his wife beater in the process. "What's wrong?" he asks, putting his hands on my waist.
"I…" I start, but then trail off and close my mouth, unable to go on anymore.
"You what? Love me?" He asks, his eyes desperately searching mine for reassurance that this will all be okay. "I know you love me."
I shake my head and my voice breaks as I say, "I can't do this anymore."
"It's okay, we can take it slow…" He says, giving me a nervous smile. "We don't have to do everything that we used to. We can slowly ease our way into that again…"
I shake my head and say, "That's not what the problem is..."
"Then what's the problem?" He asks me, suddenly looking very afraid. His eyes are a mix of fear and an love that makes me breathless and worried as to how to say this.
"Look, things between us were great.." I say, not answering his question just yet. I look into his eyes and say, "I loved you so much and you loved me and I thought that's all that it took..."
"That's all that it does take," He says, narrowing his eyes at me. "No matter what you might think, that's all that it ever takes, Marissa. Two people loving each other, not willing to let the other go..."
I ignore what he said and continue. "And then you left and suddenly everything changed..."
"I know, and I'm sorry..." He says, trying to convey the fact to me with his eyes. "I wish I could take it back..."
I ignore him again and finish by saying, "And I just don't think that we can go back to the way things were."
"Then we'll create something better," He says, his tone almost fierce. "We'll get married...and we'll raise our baby together."
I try not to give a bitter laugh at how cruel the universe is to me. "Ryan, he's not yours. He was never yours. Why can't you get that?"
He puts his hands on the side of my face and says, "He may not be my DNA or blood, but he's your baby and you're the love of my life. What's mine is yours, and what's yours is mine. For better or for worse..."
"We're not married," I say with a sigh.
"But I want you to marry me," He says, leaning in closer to me. "I want you to be my wife, and I want this baby to be mine. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.."
"Ryan, I'm only fifteen!" I say exasperatedly.
"Marissa, you're pregnant!" He says, backing up a little. He sighs and shakes his head. "Everything, everyone's rules and regulations as to when we're supposed to get married got ruined the minute you found out you were pregnant."
"I can't marry you," I say, looking at him square in the eyes.
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and cried
When you told me you didn't need me anymore
Well you know I nearly broke down and died
"Yeah, you can. Your mom will say yes because she's going to want me to take responsibility and I don't need the Cohen's permission," He says, still holding onto the idea. I wanted to shake him and tell yell, "No, no, no!" but at the same time I wanted to pull him into my arms and make love to him. The two clashed together in my mind and drove me crazy.
"Ryan, I won't marry you," I say, emphasizing the word 'won't.'
He flexes the muscles in his jaw and softly asks, "Why not? Am I not good enough?"
"It's not you, it's me," I say, cursing myself inwardly for using such a stupid line.
"So what, you get pregnant and suddenly you stop loving me?" He asks, looking at me skeptically. "Is that what happened here?" I don't look at him and he lets out a frustrated groan. "Damn't, Marissa, look at me!"
I quickly look up into his eyes, and see all the pain in there, making his eyes darker than I'd ever seen them before. He's trying to hide it with anger, but I know it's not working. I sigh and say, "Ryan..."
"Do you still love me?" He asks me.
I start again by saying, "Ryan..."
"It's a simple yes or no answer," He says, ignoring what I'm saying, or not saying rather. "Yes, or no, which is it?"
"I.." I start, but then close my mouth and sigh. I try to start again. "I...we..."
He doesn't say anything, just looks at me and says, "If you want, I'll stay away. I'll go off to war and you can forget all about me. I'll let you stay here with that idiot and raise the son that you know we could've shared, and I'll even never talk to you or write you or see you ever again if you don't want me to."
My lips quiver and I try not to break down. "Ryan..." I start, but then stop once again. I close my eyes for a few minutes and then open them to see him in the same position, still staring at me. "I think you should go," I say, and somehow those five words mean more than anything else I could've said.
If it's possible to watch a person die on the inside right in front of you, then that would be what I'm witnessing. He looks at me for a long moment, and slowly his eyes lose their glow. His arms which were crossed across his chest go limp at his side, his lips go into a straight, neutral line. He looks down at his feet, then back up at me and when he does, I see nothing at all behind his eyes. "Fine, I'll go," He says, his voice empty of any emotions. I walk him to the front door and this corpse turns to look at me one last time. "I'll go and never come back, but know that I'm going to Iraq in a couple of weeks..." He trails off and looks out at the sky for a minute. Then he turns back to look at me and says, "And I can't live without you." Then he walks off to the car, gets in and drives away.
Oh! Darling, please believe me
I'll never let you down
Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm
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Reviewer of the Chapter: ashypoos
Girlz-Rule: Did you ever doubt Ryan would want to marry Marissa no matter what? I think that if someone's your soul mate maybe you feel a stronger connection with them, or there's some kind of weird attraction stronger than you would normally have, but love? I think you have to know a person before you love them. Haha, that's really funny. I had an awkward moment when I went to go see Knocked Up with my mom last year. It's fine, I like long reviews, and there are now six chapters left of the actual story, the afterward, and then if you guys are really good I'll give you a little something special after that. Believe me, you guys want that something special
ry.and.riss.for.ever: We can't always get what we want.
Juzzy88: Yeah, the ending sucks. We all wanted her to say yes.
Ryan and Marissa Atwood 4ever: Steve is staying until the end.
Ryan and Marissa 4Ever 2: Hmm...
ryanfan: How exactly do you think it's going to end, if you don't mind telling me? Well, no matter what the ending is, the two main characters are Ryan and Marissa, and they were together for a good while there, so even if they don't end up together, which I'm not saying they will or not, that's why it's R/M.
francesfresh007: Happiness is overrated.
captain oats 3: I told you to get the tissues ready..and make sure you save some...you'll need them...
BlueDepths: Don't get me started on Ryan and Marissa on the show. I will say that I didn't like Ryan in season three.
sailaway: Robert's been a little lonely lately, I will be honest. And I'm sure he's upset my grandma hasn't seen him in a while. I put the little steamy part in there for you, but of course it couldn't continue cause that would be worse when Marissa eventually told him they couldn't be together. And you had to have known she would've. In two chapters it will be Ryan's POV for the chapter. Um, that's all I'll say about that.
ashypoos: You felt right.
elly: Hmm, one of two happened...kind of..
J7chick18: Yes, he's leaving for Iraq in two weeks, and yes a lot has happened. They could've had a long enagagement and she could've lived with the Cohens and they could've been happy, but the operative word there is could've.
najeda: I'm going to try to continue writing, but I doubt I will be able to. It depends on how much computer access I get once school starts cause it's going to be drastically lowered.
G: No marrying Ryan! And stop plotting Steve's murder!