Chapter 36

Boone was nearing the end of his first semester at college. It was surreal to him how quickly time seemed to be moving – like his whole life was on fast-forward. Sometime at the beginning of December, the truth had dawned on him that he only had a few weeks left until finals, and he also began anticipating Shannon's visit.

Finals, and studying for them, passed in a blur – a boring, frustrating, monotonous blur. Boone had turned in his essay revisions for Literary Interpretations and raised his grade to a B-. Since their grades were only based on a few assignments, this was his grade going into the final, an in-class essay. Boone tried to take what Professor Robins had said and use it in the most constructive fashion, but he was afraid that perhaps he had made his tone in the essay a bit too casual.

They didn't really have a final in his First Amendment Freedom seminar; instead, they had an impromptu debate, and received a grade based on how much they participated and how researched and knowledgeable their points were. Boone was quite confident that he had done well on this final. After the final, one of the libertarians asked for Boone's phone number, saying that he would call him about this "really exciting and provocative peace rally". Boone thanked him, not quite sure if he would actually take him up on this offer.

In U.S. History, they had a long short answer section, and then an even longer essay to write during the final period. There was no denying it – the final was very difficult, and Boone wasn't sure he had done especially well. He had calculated that if he got a C on the final, then he would have a B- in the class, a grade that Sabrina would not be too happy about. Actually, he would be rather disappointed in himself as well if this were to occur.

The Sociology Final was surprisingly easy. Boone was expecting to receive a fairly high mark in the class, perhaps even scraping by with an A. Boone found what he learned in the class to be very interesting and thought-provoking. Human behavior, whether in private or in groups, was so complex and multi-faceted, that Boone felt he would be lucky to even understand himself, much less other people. Still, sociology and psychology was a subject in which he was interested in pursuing.

His Economics Final, like the class, was boring. He thought he had probably gotten a B, which was good, but would it be good enough for Sabrina? However, his semester at NYU, being away from home, had caused him to ignore her opinions more – it was easier when he was 5000 miles away. But that distance hadn't changed how he felt about Shannon. Walking back to his dorm after the final, he thought about how when he got on the plane to New York, he had told himself he wasn't going to love her anymore. And he couldn't do it. Even though he knew he should, and had tried, he had loved her so long that his feelings had compounded themselves into his personality.

He called her when he got back to the dorm, to finalize the plans for her visit. She was coming on Sunday night, only two days from today, he thought, anticipating the moment he opened the door and saw her. He wondered what she would say, what she would do. Would she hug him, or give him a kiss? What would she be wearing? Chances were, she would be completely underdressed for the weather, despite his warnings about how cold it was going to be. Boone had experienced his first snow a few days before, and he had been walking through campus with only a sweatshirt on. Yes, he had learned from that experience. After that, he had rushed to the nearest Any Mountain and bought himself a real, honest-to-god jacket, that when worn, made him look like a giant blueberry. The woman who worked in the store, had smiled and flitted her eyelashes at Boone, insisting he get the jacket in blue so it would match his "beautiful eyes". Boone also noticed that the woman had to be at least thirty-five, and was wearing a wedding ring. Why was everyone always acting so silly around him, he wondered.

Boone was tired after taking all of his finals, so on

Friday evening, he was just planning to relax – maybe rent a movie, or read a book, or just go to bed early. But Boone had been cooped up in his dorm room studying for the last two weeks, so when Ben asked if he wanted to smoke, Boone happily accepted, relieved to put real life on hold, if just for a few hours.

Boone suggested that they ask Lilly along as well, but Ben said he would rather not, shaking his head with vehemence. Boone wondered why, but didn't want to be intrusive, so he didn't ask what was going on. Actually, now that he thought about it, something between Ben and Lilly had been awkward lately – Boone could trace it back to roughly the time when Ben began seriously dating Michelle.

Ben said he knew a good place to smoke, and led him up to the roof of their dormitory building, after they had bundled up in jackets and scarves to protect them against the harsh, cold New York air. Boone hadn't gotten stoned since the time at the party, and he knew he shouldn't make a habit of it, but honestly, he liked the carefree, open feeling it gave him. Not to mention it was quite a rush and an escape from the trivialities of real life. At first, neither of them said much as they passed the joint back and forth, just casual conversation that became more eccentric as the chemicals began to take control of their brains. Growing up without a father, he had missed out on male bonding time, so now he thought was a good time to make up for it.

Now, Ben's eyes had taken on a drier consistency, and Boone was pretty sure his eyes were considerably bloodshot as well. Ben was lazily telling some long-winded story about the male anatomy. Boone was laughing along, his perception of the amusement level of the story heightened because he was under the influence. The conversation started to get more intimate as time went on, and Boone tried to ignore the dry feeling he was getting in his mouth. Somehow, the discussion had veered to the subject of their first sexual experiences.

"I was sixteen," Ben was saying. "I'd barely even kissed anyone before. My older sister and brother and some of their friends were all at my house.." Boone laughed loudly, anticipating where the story was going. "We were all pretty drunk – my mom and dad were out of town – and next thing I knew, I was screwing my older sister's best friend. She was like, at least eighteen." Boone snorted with laughter, taking another drag on the joint.

"That's like…" Boone was trying to think of that term that meant having sex with a minor that was illegal, but he couldn't remember it, probably thanks to the weed. "Was it good?" He asked.

"My sister's friend –Pam – she was a goddess!" Ben raved. "Holy shit, I was obsessed with her! But the next day, she pretended it hadn't happened."

"That really sucks, man," Boone said.

"No fucking kidding," Ben agreed. "So tell me about yours – I bet you got laid by some gorgeous blonde California girl twice your age – or two gorgeous blonde California girls at the same time!"

Boone chuckled violently. "Wha' the fuck, man?" He managed in disbelief. "Naw, but it was my sister's best friend, too."

"Woah, no kidding," Ben's eyes widened tipsily. "Tha's weird…"

"Yeah, it is. She was hot as shit, but I didn't really like her that much."

"How hot?"

"Like really hot. And she was always prancing around in these like come fuck me clothes, lots of cleavage, and she had a nice ass too," Boone rambled. When he wasn't under the influence, he would never be speaking this chauvinistically. "And she was kind of kinky."

"Then why the hell did you not like her!" Ben nearly yelled. "God, can I have her?"

"She just didn't do it for me," he said, unable to control what came out of his mouth. "Not like Shannon."

"Not like – " Ben started. "Wait, what?"

Suddenly, Boone was pouring out everything he felt about Shannon to Ben. He wasn't sure how he let his most carefully guarded secret out so easily, but the truth was, he had never felt such a strong connection to a friend as he did Ben – they just understood each other, and Boone trusted him. "She's not my sister really, she's my stepsister, and I've… I've loved her since day 1 when she moved in. She's the most beautiful, amazing, mesmerizing girl, and I want her so bad – " he coughed, ignoring the shocked expression on Ben's face. "I want her so bad I can't stand it! She's all I ever think about – god damnit I just need to hold her and kiss her and make love to her; I need her to let me love her." He stopped, feeling sudden remorse for pouring out all this private information. But there was no turning back now. "It's so wrong to feel like this, but I can't make these feelings go away, no matter what I do. No one can fill her space – I need her to breathe. But she'll never love me like I love her. We'll never be together. And it's just – " he broke down, putting his head in his hands. "Is it always going to hurt this much?" He didn't even try to stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks. "As much as I want to hate her," he struggled to say something coherent. "I cant… I'm obsessed with her." He stopped talking, letting his silence ring out into the crisp New York air, and if only for a moment, the city seemed silent. "I'm in love with my sister."

"Boone…" Ben finally said.

"I don't blame you if you think I'm disgusting," Boone said, the reality setting in that he's actually told him. Ben didn't say anything, and Boone began to fear the worst.

"I don't think you're disgusting," he said eventually. "I just don't know what to say."

"I'm delirious just thinking about her," he added, not really sure why. "She's all I ever wanted." Ben nodded. "If you took away everything from me – my house, my money, everything – and gave me her… I'd be the happiest person alive." Boone reached slowly back to the joint, but Ben stopped him.

"I think you've had enough," he said simply. "Boone, I don't know what it's like t-to feel that way. I can't even imagine how it is. But I really, really wish I could help you."

"Things are gonna be really weird between us now, aren't they?" Boone said glumly. "Act normal, okay? Don't be any different to me now that I've told. You're the only person I've ever told. Ever." Ben nodded again, and they sat quietly for a few moments.

"I think I love her," Ben announced.

"Who?" Boone looked up, surprised. Was he talking about Michelle?

"Lilly," Ben closed his eyes. "Lilly, Lilly, Lilly," he tested her name on his tongue.

"Oh," was all Boone said, too emotionally full to react. "What are you gonna do about it?"

"I dunno," Ben rested his head against the railing of the stairway behind him. "What are you gonna do?"

"No idea… I got nothing."

The two boys sat on the roof quietly, letting the night caress them into some form of comfort. Eventually, they went back downstairs, and Boone fell into bed, prepared for yet another night of dreams plagued by Shannon.

I hope you liked it! I'm pretty excited for Ben/Lilly, what do you guys think of that? Also, about Boone confessing - was that good or bad? Please review!

Thanks,

Mari