Stephanie Hwang
I missed him terribly.
He was still the same . . no matter how many times we fought or how badly I treated him when he was in jail he was still here loving me the same. I owe him, a lot.
My eyes wandered to the tin box with all those stupid coins, my favourite things written for each and every one of them made me feel so warm.
I pulled away from him and he had a slight reassuring smile. All of a sudden I felt my stomach grumble, and I sighed. Gosh.
He laughed so hard, it took him a couple of minutes of calming down and me swatting his arm to get him to shut up. He pulled me up, and I walked sulkingly behind him. He pointed at the carpet of the living room and tossed a bunch of blankets and pillows on it.
"Wait for me?" He said softly. A large part of me just anted to cling onto hi back for the entire day, not letting go.
We were away for so long from each other . . and today was the day I got him back. It's not like I wanted him to let go of me so quickly . . but he wasn't going anywhere.
I believed he'll come back, no matter how long, or how far he went. I trusted bear, so I nodded and sat on the floor. I wrapped myself in his favourite blanket, the one with Jack Skellingtons patterned all over it and stared at his back.
He turned on the stove and the gas lighting up made me sigh in relief. He didn't go far, my paranoia taking my fears over new heights and doubling it.
The bear opened the fridge, scruntinizng it before taking some vegetables out and placing them on the counter. He turned to me and gave me a thumbs up, that confident smile looked so good on him.
I heard the dog tags of my two white fluffs come closer to me, looking happier now that their dad was home too. They dug themselves in my blanket wrap and snuggled close to me a I rubbed their heads, keeping an eye on Taeyeon.
I missed him so much. The way he takes care in whatever he's doing; like chopping vegetables. The way he's patient; waiting for the water to boil. The way he does a funny little dance and curses like a sailor when he gets accidentally burnt by the pan. My absolute favourite mode of him, was when he's focusing. It's the way he knits his brows when he's plating it up, double checking twice because he's somewhat a perfectionist.
I missed all of him.
I didn't even see him finish till he walked by me and plunked himself close to me. I unravelled myself from the blanket and invited him to join. He scooted closer, holding the arm bowl of fried rice before placing it in front of me, resting a spoon across it.
He pulled on the blanket and adjusted it, making sure it covered me well. We were like two peas in a pod. I sat there quietly waiting for him to settle as I held the steaming bowl of hot rice.
"Don't worry, I cut back on the salt. I think it's at least edible. Anything is better than jail food honestly. I survived on a packages of cheetos for the time I was there, it was great." He chuckled, kissing my temple as I kept staring at the bowl in my hand mindlessly when he said something about jail.
Prison. I didn't visit him during his time there, nor did I even call or write to him. It was like, guilt filing me up and threatening to explode.
"Is it not good?" He suddenly asked, probably alarmed by my silence.
I felt the nudge on my leg and immediately I shook my head but with a quick pace he took it out of my hands and grabbed a spoonful and shoving it in his mouth. He knitted his brows and when he thought it was okay he blew on it and cooled it down before offering me a bite.
I looked at him, wondering how he can be so normal after what happened, how he can care for me despite me leaving him alone for two months.
"Fany-ah? Are you not hungry?"
I shook my head. "I-I was before and now I. ."
"That's okay, we can eat later." He was going to get up but I yanked on his shirt and he sat down with a thump, looking surprised.
"Were you upset with me?" I asked quietly.
He turned to me and knitted his brows. "Upset? Upset with you? For what?"
"I didn't visit you. . or write to you. . or call."
He has a straight face and looked slightly concerned. "Huh? Hm. That's okay. Anyways, I met this bald-"
"It's not okay. You're my lover. I should've been there for you but I wasn't." Don't change the subject, we need to talk about it Taetae.
"You don't have to explain yourself." He said sincerely, touching my arm as reassurance. I glanced downwards just staring at his cut hand. Our knees were touching, I felt his tiny leg hair poke my own leg, we were sitting that close.
"I have to, it's not fair to you if I don't." I mumbled.
He looked at me in confusion, tilting my chin up to make me look at him and I wiped the tears from my eyes. "You're so good to me. . you said I don't have to talk about anything till I'm ready and here you act like you loved me the same as if nothing happened."
"Taeyeon I didn't speak to you because I was so afraid of you leaving me if you found out. There was just so many potential outcomes, so many unknowns I was scared you'd leave . . I was scared that maybe I'll leave."
"What are you afraid of? What's so bad about me finding out?"
I lifted up my shorts and he looked down with worried eyes. I bit my lip when I looked at the sharp defined scar, it was still red so ugly and so dirty.
I heard a sharp breath being taken in. "It's so bad. Oh Fany . . what did he do to you?" He whispered, pressing his forehead against mine.
He brought his hand up, his fingertips touched the side of my thigh and I flinched, he lifted his fingers up and frowned, our eyes locking when he did He looked so hurt from me flinching but I didn't want him to get the wrong idea. another wave of guilt just rushed through me and I didn't understand why I just had to keep unintentionally hurt him.
"No, no Taeyeon it's not what it looks like. ." I pulled him closer and sat on his lap, our skins touching and I kissed his lips. "I'm not afraid of you. . I get scared myself when I touch it."
He hummed. "It's just. . it's ugly Taetae. ." It's ugly, he is ugly. Heechul is.
He shook his head and was about to say something but I pulled on his two fingers and brought them down, placing them on the long slash scar on my thigh.
"I-I'm not afraid of you Taetae. . touch me."
He trailed soft fingers along my thigh and touched the scars, I felt him running it along the side. I pressed my forehead against his and watched trying hard not to cry.
"Did it hurt?"
I nodded. "J-Just a bit."
He clenched his jaw shut, and I rubbed my fingers along it to get him to relax it a bit in a vulnerable time like this, I liked touching him. His palm went up my body and unbuttoned my shirt slowly, he kept looking at me for permission after every button and I nodded each time.
I knew exactly where he was going, and I didn't stop him. If it made him feel better, then so be it. He slowly spread my shirt open and he too pressed his forehead against mine, sighing.
His knuckle rubbed that area I knew too well. That bullet wound. "It's fading away Taetae."
"But it marked your skin."
"It's healing, it'll go away soon."
"It almost killed you. I could've lost you because of this."
I ran my hand through his hair, caressing the side of his head just humming. "But it didn't, and it won't. Don't think about that type of stuff."
He laid me down gently on the carpet and trailed kisses from my collarbone, to my chest and to the single bullet wound on my lower abdomen. I felt his soft lips against my skin twice, then his thumb rubbed it gently like he wanted to make it go away.
"Did he touch you . . there?" His finger tips grazing my thigh but didn't go further, he held my waist and buried his head into my chest.
I shook my head. "No . . he didn't." "You got there before he could, but he was so close Taetae. ."
He sighed out a breath of relief and looked up, that frown never left. "It scared you . . didn't it?"
I nodded, stroking his head. "I don't want to do any of those things with anyone else but you . . a time like that I allow all of myself to you, because I trust you." I couldn't see his face, but I knew he was sad. "I got so upset, thinking I would no longer be faithful to you because of him, how I let him touch me, how I let him kiss me when it's supposed to be you and only you. It upset me so much." I continued but got quieter when he looked up empty.
"I couldn't stop this from happening to you. I'm sorry." He mumbled another sorry and I didn't want him to apologize for something he didn't do.
"Taeyeon. ." I gulped, not knowing if I should go on but then again I think back. 2 months of pure distance, I should tell him now. "For days and up to the months we were apart I thought about everything a lot. It got so bad I couldn't sleep. I went counselling to help fix it . . but every time I left her office I kept imagining you sitting on the chair waiting for me. I don't know, but it seemed like I should've spoke with you instead."
"I wanted normal, I wanted to make your lunch, I thought about the days you could've picked me up from work and we would have our dates, it's been so long I don't remember going out with you anymore. I wanted you to come home and tell me how your day went, then just before bed we'd talk about silly nonsense like we had when we just started dating."
"It overwhelmed me . . it's too much Taeyeon. I just didn't know if I could keep up with your lifestyle anymore. I wondered if I would be in the same position under some strange man like that in the future. I hated it, I didn't want another repeat. So I just . . distanced myself away from you but I should've just told you." I sat up and he followed. Him being him, he never spoke much, but he was a great listener.
"I just needed to find myself, and love myself before I could love you again. I didn't even know who I was, so how could I have even think about another person at that time. But you needed me the most, I was supposed to be there and I'm so sorry I wasn't."
He suddenly hugged me, his arms tightening around my body and I was taken back from the hug. "I get it . . I understand. I don't blame you for doing what you needed to do."
His arms around gave me a place of security in a time where I needed most, and when the tightness came and went when he talked I realized how afraid he was, and how vulnerable he was becoming.
"I wish you talked to me about this . . about everything." He muttered, my hand rubbing the length of his leg.
"I know. I was just so afraid of what you'd say."
He unlatched himself from me and cupped my face with both hands, squishing my cheeks together till I swatted his hands away in annoyance."I may be a dumb egg, and a donkey most of the time, but I'm better at understanding you than I was before. It just took a lot of time, a lot of you hitting me and yelling at me, but I'm getting there." He said with a grin. Happy bear.
I patted his leg and kissed his cheek, getting up to microwave my dinner he made for me. "You can really make yourself lovable sometimes, my little bear."
He trailed behind me and wrapped himself around me, waddling around the kitchen as I went to do my things. "It's what I'm here for honestly. A walking stuffed animal you talk to and cuddle at night. What more can you ask for?" I nodded in agreement.
In the midst of me poking the microwave buttons, I turned around and sat up on the counter, letting him slot himself in between me. "A pink car. I'd ask for a pink car from you." I smiled, pressing my lips against his but never giving him the kiss he wanted.
He pulled back with the most fed up face I've ever seen him pull off. "Anything but that. I truly believe that colour is hideous on a sports car."
"I like pink."
"Yeah . . the whole world knows Fany."
I smiled. I want the whole world to know how gentle you are to me, Taeyeon.
When we were in the middle of the kitchen just silently rocking back and forth holding each other, he cleared his throat and his lips trembled. "Tell me . . about Hyung?" He said so quietly, I almost had to ask him to repeat it, but I caught the part of Hyung.
I felt myself sink further into another hole or backed up in another corner. I didn't want to tell him, not if it'll pain him.
"Did anyone tell you about him, have you heard anything at all?"
"No, I didn't pry. I didn't have anyone to ask." He said quietly. I felt so bad, I should've told him.
"Can you promise me . . you'll stay with me when I tell you?"
"Of course I'll stay with you I'm not going anywhere Fany, what are you talking about?"
"No, Taeyeon. I didn't mean physically here . . I'm talking about keeping yourself in check, your mind straight and to me."
He nodded unsure. "What?"
I pulled him away from the counter and sat him back down on the carpet, making Prince and Princess come over to us. The little balls of fluff cuddled around him and he petted them and I sighed. "I don't know how else to tell you in a better way, Taetae. . he is Noir."
I felt him tense and I didn't want to see him so upset over it. No one told him, it was only me who knew.
"After Jonghyun 'passed' away he got upset with you, he too questioned what happened and when you couldn't answer he lost it. His mom soon became ill. It started going downhill from there, and everything Noir did was him. If you pieced it all together, it made sense. It was to get back at you."
"That isn't even the worst part Taetae. . he said he liked me for a very long time. All those things he's planned for you to do or the things he has done was to break us apart. He didn't understand what made you so in love with me. He wanted that . . then it started to develop into a full blown obsession stemming from a crush. He kept repeating the fact that he could treat me better than you could. He wanted to prove it to me Taetae." I looked up nervously ate him, holding onto his hand but he sat there intently listening. It was worrisome that he didn't react, but I could feel that I was losing him a bit.
"He said he could give me what I wanted, but-but I tried so hard not to think about it but the more I did when I saw you and Heechul fighting with knives. . you were taken in by the police and out of my sight. I wanted normal. I-I don't know if it's because of that I avoided you so i wouldn't suddenly leave you . . but."
I heard him start to breathe more rapidly, his eyes were a it more glazy and those were the worst types of angry.
Knowing Taeyeon, he would've stormed out this room right now and I wouldn't hear from him for hours. He'd probably go on an intense drinking binge, get violent with others and completely ignore me.
If I can just. . keep him here with me then he can be at peace more easily.
I kissed his jaw, my hand rubbing his chest and down to his abs to coax him. I felt his increased breathing. I ran my hand down his arm to his white clenching fist, opening it to slide my hand in.
He held it gently, like I was delicate and I smiled kissing his neck.
"Baby, calm. It's okay, we're here now. You're with me, it's okay. I'm safe with you."
"Fany. ."
"Taetae." His hands were already trembling but I placed them on either side of my legs. "I just don't understand how he can change into someone I don't know . ."
I hummed. I kept rubbing the back of his head moving onto his precious dumbo ear knowing it'll calm him down.
"Fany . . I grew up with him. Fany-ah, he's like my brother. He is family." His voice fell quiet. My strokes became a bit more frequent, desperate to console his wavering self.
"His favourite colour is red. . he likes stabbing sushi with one chopstick, the guy liked to watch cartoons on a Sunday morning with his sailor moon undies. Hell, he's the biggest fanboy of Frozen." He shook his head, and I heard him sniffle.
"I don't know what to feel about him. Tell me how to feel about him." He pleaded.
"Forgive, but not forget."
"I cant forgive him for what he did to you . . there's no way."
"But can you move on from that if you don't? Forgive him, so you can move on and remember all the good things about him. You won't have to battle with yourself anymore, trust me?"
He stayed quiet for awhile, playing with my fingers and spinning the promise ring he gave me. I didn't know what else to say.
"Can we just go to bed?"
"You want to sleep?"
"Yeah."
I couldn't say no to little bear, not when he asks of me for such little things.
I held his hand and brought him upstairs, forgetting about the cold rice dish in the microwave and crackling fireplace that would soon burn out.
He crawled into bed and pulled the blanket up, inviting me to join and I did, without hesitation.
The vulnerability he showed when he looked his arms around my waist gently and carefully made me wonder just how lonely he was.
Throughout the night I rubbed his back, hearing his soft snores fill the quiet room. I loved him, and I want to be here for him when he needs me.
Like right now, as I should've been months ago.
My favourite sight was seeing him get up in the middle of the night drowsy and with his hair sticking out in places from rolling his head around the bed from sleeping. He lifted himself off of me and grumbled, scratching his back and heading into the bathroom but not before running into the door frame and cursing at it.
I flipped the page of my book, getting so close to the romantic love scene I was about to read. Maybe I should make my own with Taeyeon . . right now.
I heard thumping coming from the bathroom and the instincts in me told me to get up.
I placed my book down and treaded carefully to the bathroom, stepping over Prince and Princess and knocked on the bathroom door twice. "Taetae, is everything okay?"
I heard more stumble and the sounds of maybe bottles falling off the stand. I touched the doorknob and pulled it down but it was locked. "Taeyeon?"
The doorknob rattled and it sounded like it got smacked, it shook and shook and then it clicked before it stopped moving.
Please be okay.
I opened the door and pushed gently, afraid that maybe he's right behind it.
"Taeyeon?" He grasped the bathroom counter but let go and jerked his hand, falling backwards onto the floor and I wish I was strong enough and fast enough to catch him.
"F-Fany. ." He has a hand on his chest, his shirt was half ripped and he looked so pale. He kept panting and I knew what he meant:
I quickly sat down beside him but he used all his strength to push himself up and lay on my lap. He fumbled with my hand before squeezing it hard.
"It hurts . . it hurts so much. ." He choked out, barely.
He started gasping and his chest lurched out, he had trouble opening his mouth and ended up breathing through his gritted teeth.
"D-Don't go. . d-don't leave m-me." He choked out.
I quickly grabbed the pill bottle reading the label that was prescribed to him for chronic chest pains. I pried open his mouth with my finger, popping one in and feeding him some water. The liquid went dripped the side of his moth and wet his shirt.
"It's okay, just breathe Taetae." I kept stroking his head on my lap, staring at his trembling lips.
"I-I love you. ." He managed to say and I hummed, waiting for his medicine to kick in and calm him down.
Within moments he relaxed in my lap, mouth agape as his chest started to heave.
I stroked his head, cooing at him to help him calm down. My other hand patted his chest, hoping he'll be okay.
"Shh, Shh Taeyeon-ah. You're fine, it's okay."
He caresses my hand with a lazy finger and lolled his head to the side, I had my other hand rubbing his chest in small circles.
"Sleep little bear, I'm not going anywhere."
He stared at a blank wall for a couple of minutes before dozing off to my pats to his head.
I didn't mind that I stayed on the floor for a couple of hours just holding him as he slept.
It was just hours of me stroking his head, watching him as he slept too.
He slept like a rock, like a big baby.
When he woke up he had a deep frown, hiding the side of his face in my palm as I continued to stroke his head. "Hi Bear. . . How are you feeling?"
He didn't say anything but cuddled closer to me, turning around as he laid his belly flat on the ground, head in my lap and hands.
" Don't go." He mumbled, kissing my palm.
"I haven't left your side for 4 hours."
"You stayed here?
"Mhm. I couldn't just pick you up and put you on the bed, you're too fat and big."
He chuckled and shook his head, stretching his back and cracking his joints. He sat up slowly and tried getting up. I helped him stand up and guided him to bed, setting him in first before I did and as soon as I did I cuddled close to him before he was out for the night again.
I guess the motherly side of me needed to stay awake a bit longer just to observe him, to make sure he was okay so I could have some reassurance.
Tonight we had awaken once already, and he fell asleep twice. I too was getting drowsy from all that commotion, it was just about to become 3 AM.
When the drowsiness kicked in, I cradled his head closer to me, afraid something will happen to him if I don't keep him close.
But just like the first time, I felt the warmth absent again and I opened my eyes, squinting at the dark figure in front of me with his head down. It hasn't been an hour or so, and here we were again.
"Taeyeon-ah, what's wrong? Why aren't you sleeping." I mumbled drowsily, rubbing my eye and reaching out to him.
I touched his back with my fingertips but when he didn't respond I sat up and back hugged him lazily. My ear was pressed against his taut back and that's when I heard the rumbles of his chest.
"T-Taeyeon?"
"Did I scare you?" He breathed out shakily, his hands in his hair.
"Scare me?"
"When I just fell like that . . did I scare you?"
I pulled back and stared at his lonesome back. "Of course. I hate seeing you in pain." I whispered.
"The only thing that ran in my mind when you held me like that was how I could potentially lose a lot of time with you, and I don't want that to happen." He whispered back. I saw how his hand went to grab the sheets and pull them off the corner of the bed.
At that moment I just needed to be close to him, to let him know that I was here. This time, I'll be here. I rubbed his back, resting my chin on his shoulder. "We have all the time in the world."
He shook his head. "It's always never enough. I want to do everything with you."
"We can. There's no need to rush."
"Hm."
"I don't mind if we sleep a day away, as long as you're beside me it's okay." I mumbled, resting my palm against his hand.
He had a disapproving look on his face, like my idea wasn't enough. "We can do that when we're old and wrinkly but for now I want to do like sky diving with you or some bat shit crazy shit like that. Let's go raise a couple of cows, run around the world like I've said."
"Did you really mean that? The talk about going country to country. . backpacking across the continent?"
"I want a break, just with you. I'm tired, I want to see you for the entire day, for awhile." He said it like he really wanted to do it, it almost sounded like a plea.
I kissed his shoulder and got up, turning on a single night lamp and walked into the closet. I came out plopping an empty duffel bag in front of me kicking it towards him.
"I want that 2 days of bliss with you. I want to do it now."
He looked a bit startled. "Now?"
"You seem upset and stressed out, I think as much as you hate seeing me like that, I can say the same for you. We need this."
He can't sleep peacefully, not with the pain in his chest, and not with the war he's having with himself about us.
He broke out into a smile and got up, walking towards me to lay a gentle kiss on my forehead. "Promise me . . it'll be happy." He said, hands on my waist, my ear right against his thumping chest.
I nodded, slipping my hand into his gentle one.
I followed him around as he got things ready, filling bags and checking coolers. "Taeyeon, the police don't know you're . . free right?"
"No,'not yet. Jonghyun's got it taken care of for now and as far as I know it's going smoothly."
"They're keeping an eye out for me too you know, so if they know you're out of prison they'll come to me." I told him, because I was worried.
"Jonghyun took care of that too Fany, it's not hard bribing low ranking duty cops. You're a kindergarten teacher you're not really a high priority to keep an eye on."
"You were convicted and found guilty of so many things Taeyeon, you're like Americas most wanted."
He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "I didn't do anything that bad. Most of it had to do with money, funding crimes and all that jazz. But yeah, I guess you're right."
"I just don't want them to take you away again." I mumbled, getting slightly upset.
He noticed and just smiled sitting down and patting my leg. "Remember what I said about checking off your bucket list."
"Do you really mean it?" He nodded.
"We can do it now, after the cabin trip."
"I'm not ready to say goodbye to everything and everyone, Taeyeon I don't know." It sounded good then, but I'm scared.
"Do you trust me?" He said softly.
I nodded.
"Then don't worry, it'll work out eventually." He patted my arm and walked around me, sliding the coolers and bags to the front of the door and that's when it really hit me.
When we go, it'll be just us two. Away from everyone and everything, and it made me excited.
"Ready?" He asked, interrupting my thoughts.
I shrugged. I guess I'm ready.
I slipped on a pair of shoes and followed him Outside, but not before locking the front doors. It seemed like I was leaving this place forever, but I wouldn't be. It would only be two days, but it felt somewhat good?
I stopped in my tracks at the car I've never seen in my life before. "Is this . . our car?"
"Yup."
"Is this . . a luxury SUV?"
"Yup."
"How did you afford this."
"Jonghyun." He said cooly stroking the side of the vehicle like it was his own child.
"It's so ugly and bulky, and fat."
"Excuse you!" He started going off about it's strength, all it's award winning safety features and how if he really wanted to he could even make this car fly.
I sat on the curb watching him fill the trunk with our items and he stuck his tongue out at me. "Lazy pig, watching King Taeyeon do all the work."
"Shut up loser, you still sleep with bear undies and a stuffed skeleton." I shot back, I wasn't gonna let anyone bring me down.
"Do not trash talk Jack Skellington. You're not any better you fucking monkey George hugging, night light, pink pyjamas freak." He spat, strutting his backside like a fierce cougar.
I ran up to him and he shrieked, getting into the car and I got into the passengers. We looked at each other questioning what the fuck we were just about to do.
A spur of the moment vacation, where it just happened and we're just going with it.
It didn't matter when we turned the A/C on and slid clear the moon roof and had our radio bumping to 90 boy bands songs.
"Drive slowly, there's a group of old ladies going on a road trip." I managed to say with a mouth full of beef jerky.
"Fuck them, look at their slow asses pressing the pedal for a whopping 20km/hr. Jesus fucking christ my own grandmother can bike faster than that." He started honking at then mercilessly and I was so embarrassed.
"The speed limits 30 Taetae."
"There's no one here!" He threw his hands up before honking the horn repeatedly. He swerved to the left and then back onto our lane after speeding up. I cocked a brow and smacked his arm.
"You could've scared the old ladies!"
"They can kiss my pretty smooth ass with their wrinkly lips."
I scoffed. "If I was old and wrinkly, would you let me?"
"Let you kiss my ass with your wrinkly lips? Fuck yeah, baby you can kiss me any day, any time, and any age babycakes." He boasted quite happily and I stuck a few beef jerky pieces in his mouth to shut him up.
I turned the radio up and looked out the window, pressing my head against the glass pane just watching the countryside pass by me in a flash. The slow country song playing wasn't really my style, but it fit the scene of the setting sun. The air was warm too, and knowing I'm right beside my lover made it all the better.
"What are you thinking about?" He asked, his hands lacing with mine. I looked over and glanced at our clasped hands, he had a grin on his face and I loved the look on him.
"You."
"As always."
"Get your head out of your ass. I can't even say one nice thing about you before you ruin it."
He chuckled and flicked my head, and boy I was going to drive us into a ditch and push him out of the car to beat his ass.
Laughter? A smile. We had that in the small proximity of the car and the atmosphere oozed innocent happiness. I felt it, it felt nice.
Whatever we did it caused time to zip by because when we approached the small wooden cabin in literally the most remote place I've ever been in. It didn't help that the path we took to get here wasn't even a paved road, I thought we'd crash into trees and drive off a cliff.
"They repossessed everything from you except this . . they couldn't find it could they?" I mumbled.
"You're absolutely right."
I watched the windshield become drenched in water, the rain coming down like it was hail. Pitter patter.
Tae didn't seem affected, but I thought the rain could limit all the things we could've done. But the thought of sitting in front of the fireplace was a good idea.
When we parked the car a good ways from the cabin I looked at Tae confused. "Why did we stop here . ."
"We can't go further it's all muddy and I doubt I can back this car out of here without it getting stuck."
"How are we supposed to go then. ."
"Magic."
He shut the car off and opened the door, running out and screaming as he went to the back trunk and popped it open. Like a speedy little mouse he sprinted back and forth through the wet trail transporting all our stuff from the car to the door of the place in record speed.
I sat in the car all dry and warm and expected him to get me too.
I wasn't really paying attention but when he smacked the windshield and popped up on the side I shrieked. "Fucking piglet is sitting there watching King Taeyeon unload." He stuck his tongue out before zipping by me and went into the back, fetching some of our last things.
He opened my door and he was drenched from head to toe. My hand mindlessly did its own thing and went up to slick his wet hair back, finding his forehead a bit cute.
He took my hand a kissed it quickly, unbuckling my seat belt and yanking me out and setting me on my feet.
My first instinct of course was to run, it was so wet and I refuse to get as wet as him.
He pulled me to a stop in the middle of the path and I was about to yell at him for all I was worth.
"Taeyeon-"
"You have to promise me. . remember? 2 days of bliss." He said in all seriousness, not caring if he got wet, or if I got wet.
"Okay! Okay!" I tried to take off but he pulled me back again and oh my god.
"Seriously."
"Okay! I promise and if I don't you can rob me of all my lipsticks!"
We ran from the car to the entrance of the wooden cabin, it wasn't that far but it was enough to soak us from head to toe.
I held his hand tighter as he slid the key in the lock and opened the door, I shivered when I went inside because for one it was colder inside that out, and it was dark.
Taeyeon pulled me along the foyer and I heard a loud clang. The lights lit up and I heard the hums of the heater generate. Tae has his hand on the biggest lever I've ever seen and he blinked at me twice.
Before I could even speak he pulled me closer to him till I was pressed up against his chest, I had no idea why but I tip toed and bonked foreheads with him, my hand gravitating to the shirt clinging on his upper body.
"You're so cute."
"I know."
"Pfft."
He kissed my nose and pulled at my hand, I followed him around the cozy shack till we landed stood in the middle of the living room.
He let go of my hand but my fingertips felt like hanging on, I didn't want him to leave so fast.
The big guy walked around the place picking up logs, stacking them up in the brick fireplace. He threw a match in and he looked so hot just kennelling in front of it.
I turned around and quietly stepped to the small leather couch where our bags were. I unzipped the big sports black one and dug around.
A giant hoodie and sweatpants. Perfect.
I looked behind me and there he sat, on the floor with his hands propping himself up behind his back eyeing my backside up like I wasn't noticing. "Wooow."
I took my wet shirt off and flung it at his face, the loud 'smack' sound got him shakin up. He frowned at first, peeling the shirt off and squinting at it before looking up at me with a cheeky smile.
"Like what you see?"
He nodded eagerly, sitting up straighter.
I undressed in front of him slowly, and teasingly, looking behind me to see him watching me. I wiped my body dry with the towel in his bag. . then I quickly slipped on his hoodie and sweatpants and called it a day, throwing the towel at him.
"Your turn to change."
He sat up in shock, absolutely flustered, upset and confused. "B-But. . I thought . . " He put on his best sad face. I waved him off and shrugged.
"Yo-You can't just do that to me." He said. I thought he was going to cry but I shrugged once more and looked through the window of the cabin.
He grunted and stomped exaggeratedly, digging around his bag and when I heard him zip and unzip it he came back to me and hugged me from behind.
"This is mine and this is mine." He mumbled as he plucked at the clothes.
"Yeah . . it's comfy. I don't care I'm not taking it off, you're not taking it off me so you have to live with it."
"I don't have any more warm clothes." He whines.
"Then you should've packed some."
"How am I supposed to know it was going to rain Fany?"
"You don't. If you're that butthurt about it you can always wear my clothes."
"What?!" T-That doesn't make sense. . . no Fany. . I can't fit."
I pinched his cheek and went it my own luggage, unzipping it and pulling out another pair of his sweatpants and a hoodie.
"Why are my things in your bag!"He shouted, absolutely baffled.
"Uh, I packed them for myself." I handed his clothes to him and he stared at it in his hand still stunned.
"So that's where all my clothes go?! In your closet?!"
"I can't help it, they're comfy and they smell like you. What more do you want." If you're going to date me, one of the rules you'll have to live with his accepting the fact that I will take your clothes.
I watched as he undressed, some water drops were still lingering on his back and the orange flame form our crappy fire made it seem so dreamy.
I watched his shapely back, his toned broad back, but when he turned he covered his nipples with his hands. "Fucking pervert." He hissed and I whined at my pretty sight, protesting.
"Hey!" I threw a sock at him and he flung it back at me with such force I didn't think I'd get almost get whiplash from his ducky patterned socks.
He slipped on his shirt and tackled me to the floor, placing a hand on the back of my head to make sure I didn't throw my head back and dent it. I couldn't even yelp and scold him from how close he's gotten to me.
"Hi." He grinned.
"I'm going to kick you in the fire and watch your butt cook."
"That'll be some toasty buns." He said with a wink and honestly, I've given up on him. I pushed him off me and let him lay there as he whined.
I dug around the cupboards and found some hot chocolate mix, Taetae never really liked cloyingly sweet drinks so I made him a cup of coffee.
I sat down and placed the cup beside him, he lifted his head up from the floor and onto my lap, laying on his side as he stirred the spoon in the mug.
He soon sat up and chucked a piece of wood in the fire.
Well, I let my legs do the work and I soon found myself clinging onto him, my drink long forgotten and he found it amusing to the point where he lifted his shirt up and over my head to trap me in his warm chest where I happened to just lay on.
"Koala. ."
"Stupid tree." I hissed.
"I'm a sexy tree." He said proudly and I popped up from his shirt and bit his shoulder.
"I see you're a biter. That's kinky-" I pinched his lips closed and gave him a death glare. He only ever gave me a cheeky smile while I turned around and sat in between his legs and poked at the roaring fire in front of us with a stick.
"Okay what if I accidentally got this stick on fire and threw it at the wall? Would the entire cabin burn down?" I waved my little stick in front of me and wondered.
"Fany, you're asking questions I would typically ask. And most of the time those are very very stupid questions." I shrugged and before I knew it he grabbed my stick and I whined, patting his leg back for it.
"It's a hazard around you, my little clumsy pig."
"Who you calling clumsy . ." I spat, trying to reach the stick he had above my head and out of my reach.
"You."
"Am not."
"Are too."
"Am not."
"Are too."
"Am not!"
"Are too."
Just before I was going to kill him, he pulled a bag of marshmallows close to us and stuck a few on the stick, and some gummy worms too.
"Gummy worms? Ew Taetae."
"Just try it. It's good trust me." He places it near the fire as I watched the treats slowly melt and deform into a gooey sweet mess.
He then blew on it, cooling it down before handing me the stick. He waited for my reaction as I ate the sticky gummy worm and when I squealed he seemed so happy about himself.
"It's good isn't it?"
"Ywah." I mumbled through my puffed of cheeks, grabbing a fistful of gummy worms and trying to put them all on at once.
I don't know what we did afterwards, we had mindless talks and quiet time between the two of us.
I caught him looking at me with lovingly eyes and it was at this moment I got my wish I wanted back at the abandoned lodge; peace and quiet, just the two of us together and close.
I knew he was getting closer to me. I heard his shuffle and then he sat behind me, his fingers touch my hair, till it got pulled back gently.
I stayed still, not questioning it in one bit because . . I trusted him. The occasional brushed on my head was relaxing and when he tucked a strand of hair behind my hair and pressed a quick kiss on my temple I wish I had a mirror to see every move he made.
I thought it was cute, the way he just out of the blue did my hair. "Fany? Is it too tight?" He asked, tugging on the back of my pony tail gently.
I looked at the glass pane to my left and looked at his little tongue sticking out of his mouth, concentrating so hard and I smiled at him doing my hair. He took a silk red ribbon and tied it with such care, pulling the ends as cautiously as he good. He was always a perfectionist, my little bear.
"My little modern red riding hood . ."
"And who are you supposed to be?" I joked, poking him in the leg.
"The old grandma or the big fluffy wolf."
I shook my head.
"I've always liked the half up and half down hairstyle on you. Especially with the a ribbon, or a bow thingy." He mumbled quietly, combing his finger tips through the ends of my hair.
"Really?"
"Yeah. Uh, is it okay? It's not too tight right? I don't know if I did it right, but it seems okay to me. You look cute."
I giggled and nodded. "You did great Taetae." I patted his extended thigh and he gave me a thumbs up.
"Cool, guess all the YouTube tutorials paid off."
"Do you learn everything from YouTube?"
"Google too."
"What inspired you?" I asked, turning around to face the bear.
"Honestly?"
"Yes."
He shrugged. "Sitting in jail with nothing to do taught me. I had a picture of us in my wallet but I took it out before they confiscated it. It was the only picture I had of you, so I taped the small photo on the railing of my headboard of my bunk bead."
"Naturally I missed you the more I looked at it and then I guess that hairstyle stuck with me and somehow somewhere my brain just . . did magic witch voodoo sorcery shit." I laughed and he did too, smacking his forehead for his seemingly 'dumb' explanation.
"I've always liked it on you, just never told you." He muttered, getting all shy.
I leaned forward and kissed his cheek, rubbing his big fat ears before trailing my kisses down to his lips.
He pulled me back just a bit and eyed the clock, clearing his throat. "It's only 7, let's go out. We cant waste that much time."
So much for trying to kiss him.
"Did it stop raining?" He shrugged and held up a jacket for me, dangling i in his hold and I shuffled to him. With his warm and gentle hands he slipped it on for me, patting my back when he thought it looked just right.
With our feet crunching on the gravel path just up the hill, he stopped and squatted down. I kicked his butt for the fun of it but walked around him in circles for my own amusement.
"What are you doing?"
"Express ride, hop on." He wiggled his fat ass and turned his head back to convince me.
"Why? I have two capable legs that can walk me where I please."
He snorted and clicked his tongue. "You're going to complain about the hill and beg me to take you home. I'm doing this for your sake, now shush yourself and get on before I run off and leave you behind."
"I dare you. Do it Kim, you wouldn't dare." I hissed, slapping his shoulder.
He sighed exaggeratedly. "Oh how I wish Ms. Hwang. Oh how I really wish I did have the balls to do it." He patted his back again and I guess there was no more room for bickering.
I climbed onto his back and rested my cheek on the back of his shoulder, feeling him stand up and hold me securely to him. If I fell, I'd murder him.
At that moment of hearing his breath and feeling myself mold onto his back, I told myself I couldn't think of bad things. But I couldn't stop myself. Not when he carried me through wind and rain with me on his back on that crappy night where I got shot, he travelled so far and for so long. I couldn't imagine how he felt, wondering if he blames himself. He struggled that night and it was because of me.
"Fany-ah. ."
"Hm?"
"Happy thoughts only, remember?"
He carried me on his back as we make our way up the steep trail. How he didn't manage to drop me was beyond me but I was the only reason why I didn't throw a fit or give up 5 meters up the trail.
I entertained him throughout the walk, refusing him to let him nag but I doubt he will. No negativity for the next two days, and that included complaining.
"Taetae, you have good looking ears." I bit his ear, which I shouldn't have but . .
"Can we not talk about my insecurities like that. They're huge. I have dumbo ears." He grunted.
"Dumbo is cute. And you're kind of cute too. So are you ears."
"Stop making ears sound sexy because they're not."
"They're good looking though." I whined, biting on it gain and I must've almost crossed a line because he stomped on the ground and threatened to just drop me here.
Up the trail were various amounts of trees leading up to the trail, little logs and branches stuck out from the blanket of leaves and the crunching of rocks underneath his feet echoed in the forest. The darkness of the night didn't help either, made it all spooky and eerie. It didn't light up the path he was going and I was afraid we'd tumble and fall.
I tightened my hold on his neck tighter, kissing the back of it every so often. I hummed a little tune in my shoulder, just for his enjoyment.
"You okay?" He asked as we were half way there. He took a glance of his shoulder only to see me as content as I could be, my head slightly bobbing up and down with every step he took. He chuckled and I my face away from her only letting me see my pair of crescents he's always liked.
"Are you? If you're tired you can put me down. Considering how you're a little bit injured and sleep deprived, I'd think you would be dying on the inside right now."
He didn't say anything but quickened his pace and I couldn't make out what he was feeling.
"Taetae? Are you okay? Why are you going so fast." I tense up as I grasp his shoulder and sit up.
I thought I was going to fall off his back form how fast we were going but when he stopped and I slid down his back, he held me close, cradling my head against his chest. "You're so precious to me."
"Taeyeon? Why are you like this." I managed to mumble from the tight hold he had on me. I pushed on his abdomen to separate us but he only merely chuckled and planted a wet kiss on my forehead.
"I don't know, but when you care about me I just kind of lose it. It's a little thing . . but it makes me feel all sorts of things." Before I could even respond to that he held my hand and cleared the thicket of branches and bushes, making me go first and when I did I stopped at the clear down view of the lake.
In the distance the old swing made me feel so giddy. I had a playful look in my eyes as I stared back at his too playful pair. I wanted to run to it, but he held me back. He grinned like a fool."I wanna hold hands with a pretty girl like you or awhile, is that okay?"
"No." I blurted out.
He deadpanned and I shook my head, pointing at the swing. When he just blinked and looked at me with the most serious face he could pull of, I held his hand much to his delight. "If you wanted to hold hands with me so much, you could've just asked. Gosh."
". . . You're really something Fany."
"Something special." I boasted, winking at him and he bursted out laughing.
He held my hand more firmly, but the gentleness never went away. He swung it lightly, I looked up at him and somehow he looked younger. Maybe it was because he looked happy, he was smiling too.
My eyes were set out on the lone wooden swing hanging by fibre ropes on the thickest tree branch I've seen in my entire life. I pulled Taeyeon along and I heard him tell me to be careful, but I couldn't contain my excitement. I let go of his hand and when I touched the wooden plank I turned around. I felt my lips tug up into a smile and he shook his head.
I sat my butt on the seat and I felt hands on my back, his face suddenly became so close to me ti was borderline creepy. "Hang on tight, I don't want a flying piglet soaring across the sky. Your mom would kill me."
"Mom loves you." I know she'd love you, because you took care of me.
"She'd kill me if she found out how many times I inappropriately touch her beloved daughter's ass everyday."
I snorted.
He started to push me and I got higher and higher my mind wandering to that one day when we were starting to date early on. It was the first time he pushed me on a swing, and the time we had such an emo sleepover. Weird how we came so far.
"Taeyeon?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you remember?"
I turned around slightly to see him put on his hard thinking face. He shook his head.
"Clammy Taeyeonie. . "
"Wait I remember now. Fuck you. Like I said before, I'm just kind of freaking out from a pretty girl like you."
This happiness right now, felt like it would last forever. I wanted it more, I wanted it for as long as I can have it and I don't want these 2 days to go by. After that, I didn't know what we would do next.
"Fany?"
"Fany . ."
"Hm?"
He stopped the swing and stood in front of me. Shaking his head. "Don't, our time isn't over yet. Let's enjoy it, okay?" He knew, little bear knew. He read me like an open book, he knew exactly.
I didn't say much but I guess he understood and instead gestured his hand out and I took it.
Where we went? Didn't know, I followed his strong back and went down the hill. The calm sound of the water washing back gently got louder and louder and when I stopped my feet at the edge of the lip of the lake, I glanced at the floating wooden canoe.
I guess I stared too long because Taeyeon was already on it, he looked up with a gentle smile.
"Come, night time canoeing." He held his hand out and the canoe bobbed in the water, my fingers touch his palm before it got enveloped in his hold. He hoisted me a bit up and I stepped in the small wooden boat thingy.
He sat across from me, facing me as he held one of the paddles. I guess the clingy side of me took over because I stood up and sat in between his legs, taking him by surprise as I felt him mold his back against mine.
"Hm?"
"You're warm." I wasn't lying, he was warm but it wasn't the reason I moved.
"Ah." He dipped the paddle in the water, the sound of water splashing in a rhythmic motion almost putting me to sleep. I closed my eyes but jerked up slightly when I slouched too far in Taeyeon's lap, my head hitting his moving arm.
I heard his chuckle ripple through his chest and I sighed. "You can sleep if you're tired." I shook my head no and sat back up just a bit, underneath his chin. Something about his big toned arms on either side of me, and me sitting right in between his shapely legs screamed comfort, or maybe home? Safe . . I liked it, I liked him.
He rowed us farther from shore as we went further into the middle of the lake and soon when the paddle stopped hitting the water, we stayed quiet and still enough for the ambience of the slight sounds of grasshoppers I looked up.
He had his eyes on something else but I had my eyes on him, I went up to quickly give him a kiss on his chin or jaw but it didn't matter because he looked down just as I was about to kiss him. Guess he had the same idea as me. Stupid egg, he had a sheepish grin when I pulled back from our unplanned kiss.
"It wasn't planned, I swear." He defends.
"Mhm."
He opened my palm and placed a firm square in my hand that I knew too well. I opened my palm and picked up the heavy coined square blue paper, my lips growing into a smile.
"Day 88?" He said in amusement.
"How'd you find the time to write this and fold it?"
"I have my ways." He then took my precious gift from me and put it into his pocket, saying he'll hold it for me for safe keeping because there's a 120% chance I'll drop it in the water.
Pfft.
Then I felt a thin soft fabric draped in front of me, his dress shirt.
I touched it and lifted it up, questioning it and it's duty. He cleared his throat and patted my leg. "I told you, if you got sick your mom would haunt me."
"Why would she do that?"
"Because your stupid fat ass refuses to drink medicine, or eat any of them. Unless it's like pink . . so that means you take heckin' long to get better. I say that's head smacking worthy from Mrs. Hwang." He grumbled, and from the side of the canoe I saw his reflection brushing his hair back so fashionably cool.
"Okay she might do that . ."
He nodded in agreement. I heard the trickling of water and looked to the side, seeing his fingers dipping in the water and playing with it, going back and forth.
"Are you uncomfortable?" I suddenly asked when it got too quiet, but it wasn't the awkward silence.
"With?"
"Our position, you're bending your legs a bit." I tapped his knee and sat up, wanting to maybe sit across from him just to be considerate.
He pulled me back immediately and he knew very well what I was thinking and didn't allow it. I think we've grown comfortable with each other to the point where we just know. "Yeah, too big for this boat but I'm okay. I like having you leaning on me, you're warm." I can just see the stupid cheeky smile.
"Shut up." I hissed, he only laughed and kissed the top of my head before sighing. He draped his arm in front of my tummy, and I pulled it away slightly to rest on the canoe's side.
"Ah! Fuck!" He yells and holds his right leg, grunting. I shook in my spot, startled at the piercing grunt of his.
"What? What's wrong Taeyeon-ah?!"
"My c-calf is cramping. Cramp cramp cramp, ow ow."
"Fany-ah! It actually fucking hurts please do your magical voodoo shit and massage me."
I kneaded his right plump calf and he sighed in content, sinking deep into his seat.
"To the left babe, yup that's it. Could you pinch it a bit? It's a little itchy."
He just had the audacity . .
"We has a really intimate moment, and then your calf just had to cramp out and ruin it."
"It was getting a bit too sappy for me so I had to put a stop to it somehow." He chuckled, like eh was proud of himself.
"You are so expressionless." I blurted out.
"Sorry?"
"I get so excited when you do simple things like hold my hand because you, Mr. 'I hate everything and everyone,' rarely show affection, I guess."
"I'll kill you a thousand times, and touch your ass a billion times in public if you're into public display of affection."
"I don't mean that type of . . you're such a brick. I meant like, when we're just together you know?" I muttered, and when I felt him nod I saw his smug smile in the reflection of the still water.
He laced his hands with mine and sighed, he slumped back in the arc of the canoe and relaxed. I crawled back up to him, wanting to get lost in his arms.
I snuggled close to his neck, feeling his warm skin and hearing his calm breathing. My fingers traced the big slash scar along his arm, feeling a bit weary looking at it. My thumb rubbed the scarred skin over and over again, not knowing what went so wrong to the point where he's always so hurt. I wasn't paying attention to anything till he moved his arm and wrapped it around my firmly.
"Don't think about that, okay?" His voice sounded a bit soft, but it was still stern. A little warning.
I remembered the promise I made to him before we came here and the least I could do was abide by it. "Okay."
I sat up and pushed his chest, he drowsily winked at me giving me his undivided attention. "Sometimes, I really think we're a miracle." I whispered.
"It was at one point it was us against the world."
"Yet we're here, together." I said in relief. He had a goofy smile at the end of my little confession, he pulled me and smushed my face into his chest. His gentle hand caressed my hair, dragging his fingertips through it.
"It'll be okay, we will be alright. I promise, at the end of all the horrible bat shit crazy shit, it's has to be rainbow unicorns and sunshine just like you."
"Me?"
"Woman, you're a walking ball of sunshine energy positive smiley unicorn rainbow puppies bouncy rabbits, happy things. It's weird, you contrast me in every way and technically you know since we're on different ends of the stick, we shouldn't really be 'compatible' but we are? I-I don't know . . it's just . . you bring a lot of goodness to the world you know?"
I felt my cheeks heat up and the sound of his stuttering and sometimes his pauses made me really think that he is sincere with his words.
"You're so strong, that is are admirable of you Miyoungie. Through all the things I've put you through and how you're still here at the end despite all of that. . I don't know how you do it, but I want it. I want what you have, I want someone in my life who can show me that and be by my side and you are. You do."
"You really mean all of that?" I said, my voice cracking and I just know by the end of this our little boat will sink into the water from all the ugly sobbing I'll do."
He chuckled. "With all the hairs on my head, yes, yes I do."
I nudged the side of his body and cracked a smile. "You sappy little bitch." I cooed, and he shrugged.
My mind wondered around us for the night. In a couple of years, where would we be? I wish for a normal. A norm where he comes home to me every night with a greeting of 'honey, I'm home.' A moment where we go on weekly dates and he surprises me with him coming home with a Christmas bonus, or a raise. Where we have a nice small family that I can come home to and say I love with everything I had.
I felt like, right now it was starting to become that and I couldn't have been happier. But I wanted to know what else made him happy besides being together. What is happiness to Taetae? The answer laid on the ring on my finger, glistening under the sharp moonlight and I patted our laced hands on my tummy.
Family.
My throat felt dry, but I wanted to say it. I needed to say it. "If I had your baby?" If I had another precious being that we made together, would it make you happy?
"W-What?" He sat straight up and I turned around, sitting across from his confused face.
"What if I had your baby?"
He had a serious face going on and he had trouble speaking, evident from the way he kept licking his lips and opening his mouth a jar but never saying a peep. "Are you carrying my baby?" He mumbled.
"If I was? If I am? Would you like me to?" I softly asked, a bit afraid. What if he didn't?
"Fany, are you pregnant?" He asked sternly, his facial expressions not changing one bit but his brows started to knit, eyes becoming more gentle.
The corners of my lips tugged upwards slowly, never breaking our contact.
You are everything I want in my ending, you may not be the perfect fairy tale I've always dreamt of, but it's enough.