It gets better...honest. The title's a William Blake poem, included at the end, to round out the list of Important Literary Couples mentioned here. *g* Could be worse. He could've compared her to Cathy and Heathcliff. *smirk*

In Which Nothing Is Decided

I wasn't entirely sure how to feel about this little revelation, given what I'd done immediately afterward. The memory of turning around and telling him to forget what he'd seen in my head, thinking it was all the same kind of manipulative bullshit he'd pulled on me as a teenager… what a smack in the face that had to have been. No wonder I'd landed in the hospital that night.

I felt Ash's familiar presence enfold me as we jumped back to our place, and tried to calm myself. His emotions were vague as ever, but I got the sense that he was pleased at the turn of events. Still, there was a distance to him, a distance that seemed to grow larger even as we reappeared in his spelling kitchen, his arm linked in mine. For my part, I was chewing a hole in my lip when we rematerialized. My mind was desperate enough to escape what I was thinking that I spent a good thirty seconds contemplating how the curse that transported us through a line knew that I was distracted and anxious enough to rematerialize me with my lip between my teeth.

How many times had he tried to show me a moment of sincerity, and I'd thrown it back in his face and called him a liar?

Did it even matter that he was a liar?

It had always surprised me, the shocking suddenness of his murderous anger, following a moment of intimacy. The first time we'd made love, and he'd turned around and tried to steal my soul. Even… even way back when, years ago, when I'd briefly seen his soul, and he'd nearly fried me for rejecting him. Hadn't I decided, that night in the woods, that my demon had been punishing his own momentary weakness rather than mine? How had I forgotten that insight?

And why had he brought it up just now? What was he trying to say? If he'd just been going for reassurance, his little confession had just had the totally opposite effect. The rational part of my mind looked at the emotional bits with annoyance, rolling its eyes. Ash had proven time and again that he was in this crazy relationship for the long haul; I really needed to stop questioning his motives and his feelings at every opportunity.

Ash had already wandered off, going over to speak quietly to Adrian as Pierce looked around, a somewhat disgruntled expression covering his bewilderment at this sudden shift in his status. I wondered if Pierce was excited, or angry, or perhaps even a bit disappointed at this turn of events — after all, he'd spent the better part of five years trying to win his freedom by killing Al, and had not only failed miserably, but Al had pretty much called him worthless by just giving him away on a whim. Or perhaps I was reading too much into his expression, and he was simply worried about how Rachel would fare without himself as a buffer between her and Al.

I was too queasy with anxiety to think of much to say, and there was bound to be many hours of hanging out with our uncomfortable little gang before sunset hit wherever the Coven's HQ was located. I supposed we'd spend the time stirring up trouble. Which reminded me, I was days behind on my community service curse. Ugh. Well, nothing stopping me from brewing another batch and stealing a dozen or so for myself, was there?

"Mistress Yvette, I wish to apologize for my deception. It weighed heavily upon my mind this past week."

I turned, feeling my heartache twisting around my gut. Of all the deceptions and bullshit I'd learned about in the past twenty-four hours, Pierce's was fairly low on the list. "It's OK. Thanks."

Pierce took my hand, expression grim. "No, please, let me. You must think I'm a wretched—"

"Pierce, I'm not mad at you. You and Trent did a really nice thing for Rachel, and you guys tried to let me in on it too. I appreciate it."

"We failed to protect you, though. But for your intervention, Al would have finished me in the conservatory yesterday. I am doubly shamed at the part I played in the deception. And now I am to be yours." Pierce took a moment to glare at Ash's turned back, whispering urgently, "Keep me nearby, Yvette. You needn't fear me. I can free you of the blackguard's hold over y—"

I pulled my hand free of his grip, scowling. I wanted to brood over my various interactions with Ash, not listen to Pierce's demon-hunter nonsense. "Pierce, I appreciate your offer, but if you kill Ash, you'll kill me, too. Literally. OK? Whether I like it or not, our fates are bound now. So consider Ash off your hitlist, or I'll have to add a compulsion into the mix of curses when I free you."

"Bound? How?"

"It's a long story. Suffice it to say that my head's a mess right now, and so's my magic, and apparently that's unlikely to change. So he's my familiar. Can we get off the subject?"

Pierce grimaced, not entirely satisfied, but he declined to press me any further. He regarded Ash speaking with Adrian, and frowned again. "And you have no issues with your demon enslaving another Coven witch?" he asked, contempt dripping from his voice.

"Adrian's here of his own free will, as he'd tell you if you bothered to ask him," I said, irritated afresh. "I'm not exactly thrilled about it either, but Adrian's happy as a clam because he's going to learn all the lovely black curses he watched you slinging around last week when you battled Ku'Sox with Rachel. Or didn't you know you had a fan club?"

To his credit, Pierce looked a little chagrinned. "So he allied himself with your demon?" he asked, incredulous. "Willingly?"

"Apparently. He made a good deal. Go ask him. I'm sure he'll be eager to chat."

Adrian was, in fact, looking our way, an eager expression on his face. Pierce didn't look nearly as thrilled. I wondered if perhaps he'd enjoyed being the only Daring Rebel black-magic-slinging Coven member a little too much. "Are you certain this is a good plan, Mistress?"

I mentally counted to twenty before answering. Pierce was pushing every damned button I had today, but I was pretty sure he wasn't doing it intentionally. I was just in a really fucking BAD mood. I made an effort to lighten up a little. "Hell, no, but it's the only one I've got that doesn't involve torturing or killing someone. Adrian's a good guy, and his heart's in the right place. He didn't deserve the shunning. Neither did Viv. Or Rachel. You… I'm not so sure about," I said, forcing a grin. "According to Rachel, you're a very naughty witch, Pierce."

Pierce took that as it was intended, and gave me a roguish grin and wink in return. I wondered if Rachel had been completely honest with him about what had happened between her and Al that night — given that grin, I wasn't entirely sure. But I wasn't going to be spilling any more of Rachel's secrets, and frankly, I didn't owe Pierce anything.

"So where is the Secret Rebel Base, anyway?" I asked, eager to get off a subject I didn't want to risk trying to lie badly about. Of course the reference was lost on Pierce, so I clarified, "The Coven. The HQ where all the shunnings are done?"

"Everywhere and nowhere," he said, losing his smile. "It's the nexus of the ley lines."

"It's the what? Aren't ley lines all haphazard and scattered all of over the world, no rhyme or reason?"

"They're connected in about a dozen places," he said, looking apologetic. "Your physics parlance may have the words to describe it, but I lack the terminology for your understanding. Each of the connections, it's the same place. The nexus. We built a physical structure to house it in Spain, but you can enter from any point and exit at any point."

I gaped. "They're all over the world, aren't they? That's how the Coven used to travel and keep up with witches."

Pierce nodded. "There's two points in North America, though the closest point to the old Colonies was in Ohio— near Cincinnati, actually. It was still a hell of a rough trip over the Appalachians in my time, but did beat spending two to three months at sea."

I grimaced at the thought. How any witch could stand a sea voyage was beyond me, but apparently they had, many times. I couldn't imagine the Coven giving out such a secret, even to their own people. "Do you still travel that way?"

"No… there's no need. It takes a fair amount of power, skill, and luck, and given that the natives built a monstrous great snake over it, the jig was up once settlements began pushing west."

"Wait, what?"

"I believe they call the site the Great Serpent Mound. Various tribes used it for their solstice gatherings, but the rest of the time it was sacred and uninhabited. The natives must have sensed the spiritual energy within the site, for all that the elves corrupted it. The sites are all gateways to the nexus, once direct connections to the Ever After for those who knew how to look."

I pondered that. It was common knowledge that the Ever After was thousands of years old, predating most of recorded history, but the elves had only left it about two thousand years back. "So the elves figured out how to use the sites to get out, and collapsed the escape tunnel behind them?"

"Much of the war was to keep them from accessing them, for fear they would do exactly what they did. They were under demon control prior; demons came and went without invitation. 'Twas only after the demons cursed their young that the elves finally pushed through, in a final act of desperation. They used their wild magic to seal the gateways with violent upheavals of earth and fire, closing them forever to all but demons specifically summoned to this realm."

"So why give over control of the sites to the Coven?" I asked.

"It's an old alliance," Pierce said. "One that we are breaking today. Yvette, if the elves discover us, it could mean war with witchkind."

I felt my stomach fall, because we were going to do a lot today that would be discovered by elves and everyone else. Was that Dali's true purpose? To blast open the gateways to reality once more? Probably blowing up a few dozen national monuments and holy sites in the process? Peachy. "Shit. We'll just have to be discrete? No, it's going to be a problem, isn't it?" But like so many other of the problems facing my life, to just settle for the options handed to me would result in short-term disaster. I was ready to take a risk. "But I still think that it's the right thing to do, all things considered. We'll just have to hope that Trent and Ceri really are on our side."

"Do you honestly believe that?" Pierce asked me, and I looked at him a little closer.

"Wasn't it you and Trent who come up with this whole 'hide Rachel from Al' plan?"

"Aye, but that doesn't mean I trust him entirely. Now she's under his power and protection, and I fear for her. Elves are liars."

I wasn't sure his concern was for her safety, not with that glint in his eye. Not after the blatant little-grade-school-kids-at-camp feel of the flirting between Rachel and Trent I'd witnessed earlier… but I let it go. Ash was walking over, Adrian behind. Adrian was looking a little anxious, and Ash just looked awkward. "Well, witch… you want to get to work?"

I suppressed a shudder as Adrian got too near and the curse on him started to trigger my anxieties again. Fucking shunning. Yeah, I guess we did have to get stirring. I did a calculation in my head… if it was about two hours or so after sunrise in California, we had about four or five hours until sunset in Spain, give or take. "Do you want to give us a hand with some of the curses we'll need?" I asked Pierce, who gave me an elegant bow.

"Evie, I need to speak with you," Ash said, giving Adrian and Pierce a measuring onceover. "Can I trust these two alone?"

"Adrian, did Ash tell you what we're up to?" Adrian nodded, looking like he'd swallowed hedgehogs. "And you're cool with it?"

He gave me an eloquent grimace. "I can hardly change my mind now," he said. "In for a penny and all that. I hate it, but frankly, I hate Oliver more at this point. And you say it'll get Brooke back? Not that I'm her biggest fan, but it would go a long way toward improving your image. Rachel's, too."

Rachel's reputation would hopefully be unconnected with the dynamite I was about to take to mine, but I appreciated the sentiment. "It should, though she won't be remembering a lot of her experiences here once it's done. I'm glad you're with us, Adrian." I gave Ash a grateful look, realizing he was offering me the chance not to know what, exactly, he'd told Adrian to convince him. Oddly, while I knew Ash had probably lied his head off, I trusted that he hadn't gone ahead and manipulated Adrian's mind. I paused to examine that thought, as Ash took my arm to jump us to another room. He'd asked me if I'd wanted that, and I'd asked him not to, and I was choosing to believe he hadn't just gone over my head and done it anyway.

I faced my demon in the library, as butterflies bred in my stomach again. I wanted to apologize for all the times I'd mistrusted his motives, whatever they were. I wanted to apologize for hurting him, though that would force him to admit that he had been hurt in the first place. But at least I was prepared for his question to me.

"Evie," he said, releasing my arm. "I know you've been waiting for me to say something, and I've been thinking about it since this morning, weighing my response. I need to know: Why?"

"Why?"

"Why would you say that? Not the words, not the timing… why do you believe that you…" He actually grimaced as he said it, "…love me?"

"Fair enough," I replied, having expected something like this. "I thought a lot about it, when I thought you were dead. Why, after everything, was I so devastated by losing you? I mean, yeah, there's a lot of sexual attraction on my part, but it was more than that. I tried to blame it on the compulsion you said you put on me, but..." I tried to put into words the logic of my thoughts. "Look, I'm not happy about the compulsion, but I can't deny how it's shaped me. And I can't deny that perhaps it softened me for your influence later. But it also doesn't negate that of the demons I've met, you were the one that I could build a working relationship with. And I don't mean this, what we have now, I mean back when I was just a witch. I know there were times that we just simply spent enjoying each others' company, even when one of us was circled. There were times you could have tried harder to catch me. There were times I should have banished you, and didn't. I don't feel anything like that connection with the others, Ash. I really felt… like you enjoyed it too. But of course I wasn't sure, was insecure as hell about it, couldn't trust myself or my judgment…"

Ash was silent, watching me with blank-faced intensity. He didn't look happy, but he didn't interrupt, either, not even to deny what I was saying. I half expected him to. That he didn't deny that perhaps he'd enjoyed my company, even when I was a witch, gave me heart for the rest. I took a moment to figure out how to say it in language that wouldn't sound like I was demanding anything in return, just understanding.

"I compared our situation to an arranged marriage, once. I'm not one hundred percent sanguine about it. I'm still not. I hate your job, for one thing. But… this is the important bit, Ash. I feel like I can live with you, and work with you. And if the lust and infatuation ever fades, as I'm sure it will, I believe I can be content with you. Because I trust you. I'm not here because of hormones, or how your venom and magic makes me feel. I'm here because… I like you. You make me laugh. And… you respect me. You showed me that, today. You didn't have to face down Newt for my sake, but you did. You don't have contempt in your eyes when you look at me, not like Al or Dali or Devi. You wanted me to stay here. Is that love? I don't know, but it could be. Love's a choice as much as it's a feeling, and I'm choosing to love you. I just… thought you should know. That I'm… satisfied with all this."

Ash's face was still blank, but now there were muscles working in his jaw that even an unobservant person like me could recognize, and you could bounce an anvil off his tense shoulders. He just stared at me for a long, long minute.

"Well…?" I asked, giving him a half-smile. "Was that not what you wanted to hear?"

The blankness melted into blatant bewilderment. "It's not what I was expecting at all," he said.

"It sounds sort of calculating, and maybe it is. You know I don't have a romantic bone in my body."

That got the hint of a smile, anyway. "No, you're… surprisingly reasonable. Not that I expected any different, not from my practical Evie." My face warmed, despite my foreboding that I wasn't going to like anything else he was going to say tonight. He was looking entirely too agitated and unhappy as he shifted his weight, making as if to draw nearer, then stopping himself. "Though I almost wish you'd said—this would be easier if…fuck. You made this conversation about ten times more difficult."

I just waited, tingling with anticipation and dread. Now what?! I wanted to wail. God damnit all, can't I at least have a single fucking DAY of happiness before fate hands me another lemon?

"Self-denial does not come easily to me," he growled. "Privation has made us too greedy for every drop of pleasure we can squeeze out of our wretched existence. To deny myself the sun when it's within my grasp takes a fortitude that I am not sure I possess."

For a heart-stopping moment I thought he was being literal, referring to Zee's plan of possessing demon bodies to escape the Ever After, but then I saw the fangs and claws. Oh. "The venom thing," I said. "Ash, we can live without it."

He approached and reached, threading fingers into my hair in a familiar, possessive gesture, and I leaned into his touch. "If only it were that simple, Saenat. For us, infatuation and instinct have aligned nicely with expediency. Until today."

"Is that an admission that the infatuation, at least, is mutual…?" I asked playfully.

He pulled me to him, grip tight and expression suddenly harsh. "Of course it's mutual!" he growled. "Surely you've seen that! Everyone's seen the fools we've made of ourselves. You have no idea what a joke we are, Saenat," he added, before my warm fuzzies had a chance to get more than fluffy.

"Thanks for that," I grumbled, even as I had to admit to myself that he was right. And that sexual infatuation was hardly the same thing as love. It was difficult to get too angry with him when his roaming hand was caressing me with firm, possessive pressure and his red eyes were so nakedly hungry as they fixed on my face. I was tingling again, my body craving his touch, his magic, his bite, his sweet, sweet poison, and it was all I could do to remember that there was an important conversation we were supposed to be having here. "So what's changed? Was it Newt?"

He groaned, clearly just as distracted as I was. "Isn't it always Newt?" he said, voice harsh. "You have no idea how much I despise that woman right now, for all she's merely a messenger for an unwelcome truth." His eyes roved over my face, lighting on the scar briefly before returning to mine. "Evie, I honestly don't know what to do. No, that's not right. I know what I have to do; I'm just not strong enough to do it. Not without you."

That squashed the fuzzies flat. In fact, they froze solid and stuck in my throat. I tried to pull back a suspicious step, but Ash held me tight. "Do what, Ash?"

"I… it would be so easy to just say what you want to hear, Evie. It'd be so easy to slip into your mind, and…" He shook his head, breath hissing harshly. "It should be easy. I've had no conscience to tell me otherwise for millennia. I am a liar among liars." His lips brushed mine as if he couldn't stop himself, his breath harsh. "A monster. Battle not with monsters, Evie," he whispered, voice pained. "Gaze not into the abyss. But what of the abyss itself? What, when it gazes back? I have gazed too long upon your love, Saenat. I cannot unsee it."

Yeah, my mouth fell open, and I felt my eyes sparkling with tears when he kissed my forehead. I couldn't speak, elation and dread in equal measure making my own heartbeat painful.

"Newt ordered me to bind you, Evie," he said, and cold icewater dashed down my spine. Once again, my poor warm fuzzies were thoroughly drowned before they could get properly fuzzy.

"Ordered you…?"

"You know our situation. If the Ever After should perish, so would you. Newt knows better than anyone how slim our chances are of averting the disaster, even should we convince our prodigal son to lend us a hand." His lips twisted in distaste as he spoke of Ku'Sox, and I felt my expression mirror his. "But without him, with only the power of four women, three untrained…" He shook his head. "There's really not much hope. One of you must open the power of your mind to bind with Newt's, to guide the repair of the rifts. She doesn't care if it's you or Rachel. Rachel's beyond her reach, and has no ties here. You… she knows how to manipulate you, Evie. She'll force the issue if she has to."

I felt my face warming with anger. I'd liked Newt. I'd honestly thought she was sort of fond of me, too, in her way. "What do you mean, force it?"

Ash's grip in my hair grew a little painful. "I made a deal with her, to spare your life. I swore to her I'd do whatever it took to protect your mind. Whatever it took, Evie." He took a breath, holding me tighter to his body. "Even it if means… even if it means allowing another..."

I tore free of his grasp, leaving several strands of dark hair dangling from his fingers. "What?!"

"I didn't realize… I thought I could do it. Be sufficient buffer. And when I doubted my ability, I took steps to prevent the bond that could destroy you." His cheeks were red. "She believes the bond is necessary. If I won't do it, she'll incapacitate you long enough for Dali to take over."

"Like hell she will!" I glared at him furiously. "And you'd let her…?"

Ash swallowed. "Fighting her would make me an oath-breaker. If I survived, I'd be exiled to the surface."

I blinked, seeing the trap he was in. "Oh. Then… then you have to do it, Ash. Because fuck if I'm going to let anyone force me into mating with Dali! Why him?"

"Because he, of all of us, has the experience to protect your mind. You… you have a good chance of coming out of it with your sanity intact, with him. I wish… I wish I could say the same of me, Saenat." His fingers were clenched. "You have no idea how humiliating it is to admit that I am insufficient to this task."

"Wait." I wanted to throw up. "You think I should do it?"

"I am laying this decision before us, Evie," he said, and now there was a note I'd never heard in his voice. Desperation, perhaps? "I need you to put aside your anger and hear me. Should we mate, and I fail in my duty, I've not only destroyed you, I've destroyed all of us. Do you understand me? We would all perish for my arrogance. But if you willingly stand by Dali… we may all survive."

I put my hand to my mouth, horror crawling through me. "No. No, Ash, I refuse to consider this."

"Saenat—" He caught me again, and held me though I struggled against the bitter words he was speaking.

"What if you can do it? I know you can keep my head safe, Ash. Who knows me better than you?"

"Who indeed?" he said. "Who damaged your mind so exquisitely in the first place? I am untried, Evie. Should I fail you—"

"You won't."

"And how do you know? Do you honestly think that my desire is sufficient? That somehow, love will see us through when my ability is lacking?" He gave me a harsh bark of a laugh. "Love didn't save the hundreds of our wives and sisters who perished all those millennia ago. Hope and faith didn't stay Newt's hand when the madness Ku'Sox thrust on her drove her to destroy her kin. Do you honestly want to gamble your future on blind trust that everything will work out for the best?" Ash gave me a little shake. "I don't. I can't! You say you trust me, Evie. Trust me that I cannot promise you that I can do this!"

I stared at him, heart pounding in my aching throat. What if he was right? "Ash…" God, this was all too much to take.

"There's time," Ash said, voice rough. "Please, Saenat, I'm just asking you to think about your options. Newt gave you the rest of the week. She didn't expect me to tell you all this. She didn't want me to, actually — she likes you. That's why she picked Dali for you. He's a cold bastard, but he's the most talented demon we have when it comes to the mind." His face twisted. "She expected me to betray you, and simply twist your mind, to save my own skin."

And he hadn't.

I stared at him unblinkingly, because if I blinked the tears would start flowing and they'd never stop. Here was his confession to me — that I mattered enough to him that he would defy Newt, that he would consider giving me up to save my life, even if it destroyed him.

And he'd given enough of a damn about me to lay the decision before me, so we could make it together.

I know what I have to do; I'm just not strong enough to do it. Not without you.

I drew a shuddering breath, determined to honor his honesty with equal fortitude, even if Therese wanted to blow up another chunk of real estate in her heartbroken rage. "What do you think I should do, Ash?"

"I don't know."

"I don't want Dali."

"Of course you don't."

I tried to control my rapid breaths, because panic was stealing my ability to think straight. "I'll take the chance, Ash!"

"Evie, please… we'll take the week. We decide this together."

"No! I don't need the week, Ash, I am not giving myself over to that coldhearted—"

Ash's grip turned fierce enough that I whimpered a little. "Don't ask me to be the instrument of your destruction, Evie!" he growled. "Please."

Therese nearly burst free then, but I managed to rein her in. It wasn't a rejection, and that was the only reason I could stop her from lashing out in pain. I wanted to lash out. I wanted something, anything, to hurt as much as I was hurting right now, wanted to hear the screaming that I couldn't seem to voice. "Ash… if I give myself over to that man… you know he'll destroy my mind anyway. I might live, but it won't be me."

"But you'll live," he replied, voice hoarse.

I struggled again, and this time he let me tear free once more. I couldn't look at him, because I'd see again what I'd just seen — the pain, the anger, and the blatant acknowledgement that Ash returned my feelings, more confirmation than I'd ever dreamed I'd get. Ash turned away, wiping away the evidence with a brusque gesture.

Emotionally compromised. Dali's words echoed in my mind. He knew, and Newt knew, and both were in apparent agreement. Ash cared. And that made him dangerous to me.

"Of course, you're right," he said, and I sensed him in my mind, listening to my thoughts. I flinched, frightened, at how easily Ash could have manipulated me all this time. It would have been so easy for him to give me exactly what I'd needed all along, to fake an emotion he didn't feel, to make me love him falsely instead of allowing room for it to grow despite the lack of warmth and sunlight.

"So I'm expected to give you up and bind myself to a man I don't love, who terrifies me, for my own damned good and to save the world…?"

"That… about sums it up," he replied. "And I'm to allow it, for the sake of your mind and our survival."

Now tears spilled over even through the numbness. "Will you?" You said you'd never let me go. You said I'd never escape you. You said you'd never do it again, never give me the choice—

You wanted the choice, he reminded me silently. Free of influence. Painful as it is, even if it might break you. And you're right. I can't do it alone. The only way this will happen is if we mutually agree.

Somehow those words tamed Therese, and she sank back down into my psyche to lick her wounds.

"Would… would it be forever? Could I …could I do it until the Ever After's saved? Then have him release me?" But Dali would never relinquish his hold on me, I knew it. Dali's other option floated across my mind, and I looked at it clearly… but one glance at Ash's fangs reminded me of the problem. "He lied, didn't he…? He said I could keep you as a lover, but… if I were bound to him, we couldn't share blood. I'd… I'd repulse you."

He was a long time in answering. "I wish I could say it didn't matter, Saenat." He bent his head, the admission paining him as much as it did me.

"So it's Dali or nothing? Dali or death? You leave my life entirely?"

"I'll remain your anchor. If that's what you want. We may decide…"

"Ash." Another little piece of my heart shriveled. "You said that was forever, too…?"

"I wished it were so," he replied, voice quiet. "Evie, even for us, nothing is forever. But a clean break might be easier, on us both. If you were willing, and Newt helped facilitate—"

"No."

"Evie, be reasonable—"

"NO! I'm tired of being reasonable. I'm tired of being strong! I'm tired of being the rational, dependable woman who always gets fucking screwed over by everyone else!" Even knowing I sounded like a goddamn teenager, I couldn't stop the words. "I've lived on the sidelines all my life, safe, rational, and cold! I want to live, Ash!" I couldn't put it into words, the total frustration that had come over me. Other people led uncomplicated lives, other people got to make idiotic mistakes — why not me? Because I'd always been above it, arrogantly assuming I was above that sort of foolishness.

Ash picked up on this immediately, though he let me finish my rant. "Three words for you, Saenat. Romeo and Juliet."

I stared at him, disgusted with everything. "Fuck you," I growled. "I fucking hate that play."

"But now you understand it," he said quietly.

How could he? How could he reduce my emotion to some shallow, teenage infatuation? But was he right? Was I ready to throw away everything—my life, my sanity, my potential…not to mention his life and the lives of all of the other demons here, for the sake of my precious little feelings? Was it really so juvenile and simple a choice as that? The worst part was, there was a part of me sitting in a little vantage point three steps behind my own head, looking down upon my tantruming self in judgment. That bit was already seeing exactly how cold, practical Evie would react, what cold, practical Evie would end up choosing. I hated myself in that moment, and I hated Ash for being the messenger, and I hated my demon heritage and the entire goddamned Ever After. "What I if I don't give a damn about saving the Ever After?" I asked angrily, wiping away my renewed tears with an impatient swipe.

"But you do."

"I'm not giving myself to Dali, Ash. You're my demon, and I'm not giving you up. Worst thing that happens, I die. Or you die. But you'll come back."

"No," he said, barely audible. "No, that's not the worst thing."

"Ash…"

He ran a hand through his hair, but it got stuck, and for a moment I thought he'd scalp himself, given how hard he was pulling to get it unstuck. "It's not the worst thing," he repeated, breath still ragged.

Another chill speared me as I contemplated that of all the beings I'd met, Ash was one to know what was worse than death. Perhaps he was right. Witnessing a loved one's slow slip into madness would be horrifying, but how much damage could I end up doing to him and anyone else in the process? Was I selfish for wishing to subject him to that? Hadn't I just declared for the world that I loved this man? As if the winds of my passion suddenly changed direction, I felt my sails fall limp, suddenly overcome with confusion and doubt. Tears threatened once more, but I cast my old, reliable calming charm over myself half a dozen times over, until I felt as far removed from myself as Ash, now across the room leaning over a table, eyes distant.

However this worked out, he was already distancing himself. I wanted to reach across that divide, then I wondered whether the rift between us since his death had ever really been mended at all.

"I'll… consider it," I said, feeling like my voice came from miles away, from someone else. "I'm not happy about this," I added, just to make it clear.

"As you can see, I'm all seriously fucking thrilled about it myself, over here," Ash replied, glancing at me with a face that hadn't quite managed his blank façade, but was valiantly trying.

He just had to keep poking that soft spot in my armor. I still wanted to slap him, but now I also wanted to kiss him, and part of me even wanted a cuddle, which was an alien impulse for me. "Ass." Neither of us spoke for a few minutes. "I can't believe you compared me to Juliet," I complained.

"Drastic times and all that," he said, looking up at me from under a mop of disheveled hair, with that boyish chagrinned expression that never failed to tweak a heartstring. Damn it. "But it's an apt comparison."

There was a long silence. "Tristan and Yseut," I said, finding a literary couple I liked a little better. "You make me marry King Mark and it'll turn out just as well."

He huffed. "We have our own version of that one. It ends with the creation of the Tsangpo Canyon."

I blinked — Tsangpo was even bigger than the Grand Canyon. Demons had made it? Or rather, an angry love-struck demon pair perishing together for some idiot reason or other had made it? "All right," I said, finally capitulating. "I'll… I'll think it over. If you will."

"I don't need to—"

"Yes, you do," I growled. "Because if I have to go to Dali, you're going to have to fucking deal with it. You're going to have to watch everything he does to me, and you're going to have to keep me sane anyway. You're still going to be my anchor. And I'm going to broadcast every last scratch and bite and exactly how I feel about each one."

Oh yeah, he winced in heartfelt disgust at that thought. "As you wish." He sighed, straightening up. "Fucking hell. Can we end this conversation now?"

"Not without…" But how could I say it now? My voice cut off in a choke. "Shit."

"Yeah." Ash took another ragged breath. "Look, Evie… I never intended any of this to… to be so…"

I sensed there was an apology coming, and suddenly I couldn't bear to hear it. "Shut up, Ash," I said. "Teach me something useful, will you? How to block all this emotional shit? So I can deal with the whole Coven idiocy we're about to do?"

"Sure, Evie," he said, voice tired. Sure enough, the knowledge of at least a dozen different curses entered my mind, a veritable banquet of emotional numbness at my fingertips. I chose one and invoked it, feeling the dissociated feeling grow. I could almost pretend I didn't have a soggy, aching, pummeled little wounded thing beating in my chest anymore. When I looked at Ash again, it was like looking at a stranger. I remembered my weird little passive-aggressive chat with him, back in the woods of Colorado after Al had murdered Derek's grandparents, when I'd as good as told Ash that he was the center of my little distorted universe. I vaguely wondered whether all of this could've been avoided if I'd just followed my instincts the first time and kicked the kid out of my office.

Hindsight, and all. I hadn't, and now I was stuck dealing with a reality to shore up, a Coven to bring down, and a girl to save. God, poor Hope. I could imagine exactly how she'd felt upon learning the truth of her birth from Delores. After the last ten minutes, I would have given just about anything for the world to be different than it was. At least with the curses, I could pretend everything was normal enough to get through the next twenty-four hours. Yay, denial…

Denial.

Hope wouldn't have been vengeful. Hope had just learned a terrible, terrible secret, been forced to confront a reality that was utterly alien. Hope would be wishing to go back in time, to forget what she'd learned. Lord knew I certainly wanted to, right now.

But vengeful came later in the demon grief response. Hope would be in denial.

Whatever magic she'd done, it would have been related to denial… somehow. I was absolutely certain of it. And then she'd have been hit by a wave of nostalgia from Rachel, reinforcing …what, exactly? Hope would've tapped a line, perhaps several…

"Shall we return?" Ash asked, taking my arm.

"Sure," I said, letting the thought drift away. I'd have to examine it later. Right now, there were curses to stir, and a Coven to destroy. Vengeance should hopefully be a fine distraction for a demon with a broken heart.

William Blake's The Clod and the Pebble:

"Love seeketh not itself to please,
"Nor for itself hath any care,
"But for another gives its ease,
"And builds a heaven in hell's despair.
So sung a little Clod of Clay,
Trodden with the cattle's feet,
But a Pebble of the brook
Warbled out these metres meet:
"Love seeketh only Self to please,
"To bind another to its delight,
"Joys in another's loss of ease,
"And builds a hell in heaven's despite."