Author's Note: Yikes. There's nothing I can say that can excuse me for not updating this fic. A whole lot of personal things just hit me hard one after the other. It's been almost three years since the last chapter. I'm so sorry. For everyone still reading this story, I still see all your reviews and it would get me back to finishing the chapter. And for everyone still reading this story, here's Chapter 36.
The worst sound in the world was hearing a mother scream over the death of her child. That's what a heart shattering sounded like and it cut deep.
Emily had accompanied her attending when the older surgeon had to inform two parents that their seven-year-old son had died. The mother had screamed, her mouth a gaping hole. The tears starting falling from her and the father, who was trying to be strong for his wife.
She slunked off to an on call room. Thankfully, it was empty. She collapsed onto the bottom bunk. She tore off her scrub cap.
If only getting rid of that scream ringing in her cranium was as easy as taking off her scrub cap.
Losing a patient never got easier. If it ever did, Emily vowed to stop being a surgeon.
She wondered why some patients lived and some patients died. This little boy who would have had his whole life ahead of him just gone in an instant.
But someone like Jessica DiLaurentis was still alive.
Emily shook her head with a grimace.
That wasn't fair to say, even if it felt good to say it. No matter how manipulative and judgmental the woman was, Emily didn't want her dead.
And Emily hated to admit it, but Teddy loved the woman. So if the woman died, she didn't want her daughter to be affected by it. Especially since the little girl was starting to understand loss.
Teddy knew what dead meant. As much as a six year old could at least. She knew that she had a brother named Patrick, who had died and that her grandpa and her nana had passed. But death for a child was as far away as the sky, that stripe of blue that stuck to the top of crayon drawings.
Emily would remember the name of her patient. It was etched in her brain.
Christopher Guantero.
His mother called him Binky.
Emily remembered all the patients she lost.
She lay down on the bed and covered her eyes with her arm.
A hospital saw the most amazing things. The highest highs and the lowest lows of life. How a woman could survive getting stabbed 29 times but a man could die from a bug bite that got terribly infected. Where a woman could walk away from a horrible car wreck, or another woman could go in for a routine surgery and never wake up.
Where one part of the hospital was celebrating life while another one was mourning.
Doctors needed to find a balance. If you felt too little you would be that jaded asshole that high fived over a code or a soon to be corpse. And if you felt too much, you ended up in the bottom of a bottle. Or smoked like a chimney. And stress ate.
Emily knew she could leave in a while to do all three.
The door to the on call room opened slowly.
"Hey, Em." Riyadh said softly.
"Hey," Emily grunted out in return.
"I heard about your patient." Riyadh had come to give his condolences. And also to try to console her. "I'm sorry."
Emily nodded. She felt like if she said anything she would start crying.
It wasn't the first time she had lost a patient, and it wouldn't be the last.
The first patient she had lost was during her neurology rotation in her last year of med school. Her name was Shirley Deatro. She had a stroke and was in the ICU for a week. But she was getting better so her attending decided to move her out of the ICU. Before they did that though, they wanted to do a test to rule out why someone in her thirties would have a stroke. A CT angiogram of the brain was ordered. For it to be done a certain dye was injected to better visualize the blood vessels in the brain.
Shirley Deatro was one of the rare people allergic to the dye used and had anaphylactic shock. Just like when a kid eats peanuts and his throat swells up so he can't breathe, Shirley's brain swelled inside her skull.
The skull being an enclosed space meant that Shirley Deatro's brain had nowhere to go as it swelled. Except through the hole in the base of the skull where the spinal cord came out.
The part of the brain responsible for consciousness and breathing squeezed out of a small hole.
And was basically shredded.
So the patient that Emily had taking care of and had got to know well through her husband and children fell into a coma and needed a machine to help her breathe.
Her resident had told Emily to stay in the ICU at bedside and text her the latest vital signs every fifteen minutes. Emily hadn't seen the task as beneath her. The hard part about that task was that the family had been there entire time. The daughter came in to sing to her mother and play with her hair. The son tried to be brave but there were always tears in his eyes. The brother had bought Emily a cup of coffee while she watched over his sister.
The husband.
God, the husband was the hardest. He held his wife's hand as he sobbed and begged her to wake up. He would lean over her, telling her not to give up fighting. That there was always hope.
Shirley Deatro died one week later. She never woke up. It had been the last day of Emily's neurology rotation before she went to dermatology.
Emily remembered walking down the halls of the hospital trying not to cry after she went with her senior resident to notify the family.
Emily felt every loss. She knew what it was like to lose someone she loved. She had lost several people she loved.
In surgery, the high of saving a patient with a successful surgery could come crashing down when someone couldn't be saved.
And sometimes it was someone she loved that couldn't be saved.
"Good work in there, Fields." The attending was grinning at her.
"It was nothing, sir. Err, Dr. Harrison." Emily felt her face get warm at receiving praise.
"It was a beautiful job. You should seriously consider specializing in general surgery." Dr. Harrison said as he dried his hands. "Looking forward to having you on my service again. Look out for this one, Lim."
"Will do, Dr. Harrison." Dr. Lim, her third year resident, said.
Once the older doctor left his junior colleagues, the resident turned to his intern. "He's right. You did a good job closing. I knew you would. And you answered all his questions. He was impressed. Go home and celebrate with that wife of yours."
Emily was feeling really good, practically buzzing with positive energy. The adrenaline was addicting.
They had allowed her, a surgical intern, to close a layer of the skin. She had been nervous, but she done an amazing job. She had just been prepared to suction and to retract, but being allowed to close made her feel like a surgeon.
She couldn't wait to call Paige. She was going to tell her how all those times she practiced suturing on raw chicken had paid off.
She loved surgery. Her patient had breast cancer but now they had removed it. She had made a difference in someone's life. That felt better than being told she had done a great job on her suturing.
Emily went to her phone and turned it on. She saw that she had several missed calls from her wife.
"Em!" Cam was running up to her.
"Hey. Sorry I have to call, Paige." She held her phone up to her ear.
"It's Veronica." Cam cut her off.
That was enough to get Emily running out of the OR complex. She hadn't even bothered to pull off her scrub cap or gown.
She pushed the door to the stairwell and ran up to the fourth floor. It was where the in-hospital hospice care was located. She ran to Veronica's room.
"Emily!"
"Paige! What happened?"
"I'm sorry, Em. She's gone." Paige's voice was calm and steady, but she had tears in her eyes.
"No. I can still-"
Paige caught her hand. "Em, she's gone. You know as well as I do that she signed a DNR."
Emily pulled her hand out of Paige's hold. Paige easily let her go. She went into the room. The nurses were gently removing all the machines and needles from Veronica's person.
When Emily was doing clinicals in her last year of med school, one of her doctors had referred to the mechanical ventilators, the IV lines and urinary catheter, basically everything attached to the patient keeping them stable and alive, as Christmas lights. She had thought it was funny at the time. A cute little anecdote told to future doctors.
But now it reminded her that Veronica wasn't going to be around for the holidays. Just like Spencer wasn't.
Oh God. Spencer.
"We need to tell Spencer." Emily's eyes were heavy with unshed tears.
Melissa was sobbing over her mother's body while her husband consoled her.
"I'll call the prison, and let them know so her counselor can tell her." Paige pulled her into an embrace.
"This isn't the kind of news that we should trust to a stranger." Emily wiped at her eye. Spencer should hear it from someone that loved her.
"I'll tell her." Melissa said as she stood up. "I'll go to Muncy myself and tell her to her face how she killed our mother!"
"Spencer was a better daughter... No." Emily stepped towards Melissa, invading her personal space. "A better person than you ever will be."
There was a loud crack and Emily's cheek stung. Melissa was breathing heavily as her husband pulled her away. Paige did the same, stopping Emily from advancing and paying Melissa back in kind.
"Come on, Em. Let her go. She's grieving." Paige pulled her in close. "And so are you. Let's go home."
Paige led Emily to their car. She was really appreciative of her wife's calm strength. Paige had more control than her.
"I'm sorry. She was your mentor. You're grieving, too." Emily sniffled.
"She was also my friend." Paige's voice cracked. "She'd do anything for me. And I'd do anything for her. She taught me a lot. And I won't forget her. But you're grieving over more than Veronica's death. This is about Spencer."
Emily couldn't deny it.
"Em, I understand." Paige said without judgment. "She's still in prison and she didn't get to see Veronica before she died."
"What if she can't even go to the funeral?" Emily whimpered.
What if Emily never got to see Spencer again? Veronica didn't. And the woman had held on as long as she could.
"We'll get her there." Paige clenched her eyes shut.
"Did Veronica say anything to you? You were there right?" Emily had visited her the night before.
"Until she took her last breath I was there. She asked me to..." Paige kept her eyes on the road.
"To what?" Emily's heart felt like it was being squeezed.
After taking a steadying breath, Paige answered. "To look after Spencer. Financially. Put money in her prison account. I'm in charge of Veronica's will. And she also left some money to Teddy."
"We can't take that. Between you and me Teddy is going to be well taken care of." Emily frowned.
"That's what I told her. But she loves Teddy." Paige corrected herself. "Loved Teddy. As much as Sebastian and Little Veronica."
Emily frowned as she sniffled. "What do we do, Paige? This is going to destroy Spencer."
"It's hard to lose a parent." Paige looked at her hands clenched around the steering wheel. Emily swallowed. In the heat of the moment, it had slipped her mind that Nick McCullers had passed away. "This person that raised you and loved you unconditionally. They're just gone. But I got to say goodbye to my dad. And he got to say goodbye to me. Veronica and Spencer had that taken away from them."
Emily wanted the chance to see Spencer again. More than see her. Seeing her wasn't enough. Emily needed Spencer out of prison and safely back in their lives.
"Spencer can't die in there, Paige. She can't."
After changing out of her scrubs, Emily left the hospital forcing herself to say goodbye to each familiar face she passed on her way out, and walked down the street to the Library. Paige and Teddy were still in Rosewood, so the thought of going home to an empty apartment wasn't appealing to her at all.
She found a free table, good for two people to be intimate over and for three people to feel cramped. She took a seat on the stool, and then flagged down a waitress.
"Hey, Em." The younger woman greeted with a bright smile.
"Hey, Wendy." Emily gave her a small smile. Just because she was feeling down, didn't excuse her from being polite to the waitress.
"How's it going, Doc? See I could have said, "What's up, Doc?" but I like to be unpredictable. And it probably gets old when half of the regulars work at the hospital up the street." Wendy beamed up at her as she pushed her glasses back up her nose. "You haven't been here in awhile."
"Oh. It's going." Emily sighed.
"Looks like you could use a drink." Wendy said with sympathy.
"Do I look that bad?" Emily teased.
"No. You always look good." Wendy chuckled. "Now what are you having?"
Emily wanted a huge greasy burger with bacon and mushrooms and cheddar cheese and she told Wendy as much. "Wait, make it a double bacon mushroom cheeseburger with the onion rings. And I'll get... a side of chili cheese fries, too. And to drink... I'll have," Emily didn't know much about things about alcohol pairings.
But she knew beer.
A beer seemed like it would go better with the burger. She thought of Paige, who thought of herself as an alcohol connoisseur, whose voice rang through her head saying a beer most certainly would go with the burger. That she could match a whiskey or wine to any food. She had said it on one of their dates. And Emily had challenged her the rest of the week to take her to restaurants and pair her orders with the best corresponding alcohol Paige hadn't failed at the task, matching beer with pizza, fish tacos, sushi even pork adobo. Emily just knew about what beer she liked the taste of and which alcohol got her buzzed the fastest. She thought of what Paige would order, since her wife often had bottles of the brand in the fridge. "A Goose IPA."
"Coming right up." Wendy said with a wink.
Emily looked around the bar, leaning forward with her elbows resting on the table and her hands clasped together. She briefly felt embarrassed at sitting alone, something that hadn't happened much in her life before she married Paige. People always sought out her company and attention because of the way she looked.
Or they used to.
She would get hit on in bars by men and women, left and right. Free drinks and getting asked to dance. And of course, there were all the times in college where she only had to smile at a girl and they would fall into bed with her.
She felt like shit. Which was an understatement. Being a surgeon, you were kind of like Atlas, holding up the weight of the world. The world of the patient and their family. All the birthdays, Christmases and graduations and weddings. Visits from the tooth fairy and scraped knees. First kisses and Prom Night. Pancakes for breakfast and holding hands while crossing the street. Cups of coffee and road trips. Emily was responsible for the future. Just making sure the patients and their families could do all that. That's how much the world weighed.
When it all fell to pieces, Emily couldn't hold it all up.
The mother had been upset, as was her right. She had cast aside Emily's attempts at comfort by saying that she wouldn't understand until she had lost a child. Emily took the harsh words. Saying that she had had a miscarriage, had lost friends and family, that she knew the pain of loss a thousand times over would do nothing. A little boy was dead and nothing would bring him back.
So fuck it. Fuck the fact that no one was looking at her. It was a goddamn childish thought. It was good that she was alone. She was too tired to entertain someone just so she could stroke her own ego. And being alone meant she was free to wallow.
Damn, was she pitiful.
Wendy brought over her drink and chili cheese fries. "The burger and onion rings will be out in a bit. If you need anything, don't hesitate to flag me down and I'll be right over."
Emily looked Wendy up and down. Was the waitress flirting with her or just doing her job?
Wendy was hovering by her table still, biting her lip.
"I think it's brave, what you do." Wendy touched her arm. "I really admire you. It's amazing."
"Thanks." Emily looked at the girl's hand. "I really needed to hear that."
"Anytime." Wendy winked at her and went back to the kitchen.
Seven sips of beer later, her order came out. Wendy presented the burger and onion rings to her with a bright smile. After the waitress left, Emily committed herself to enjoying her meal. Greasy and juicy, she tried not to let out a moan after the first bite of the burger. She alternated between the fries and onion rings. Every bite was worth it.
Sitting back after her indulgence, Emily rubbed her stuffed belly. She had overdone it and her stomach ached. But in a way that was both pleasurable and painful, almost sensual. It was just what the doctor ordered.
Emily smiled into her beer as she took a sip. That was a joke Paige made from time to time whenever they ordered food. Just what the doctor ordered. She shook her head in amusement. She loved her dorky, gorgeous wife. And she missed her dorky, gorgeous wife too.
She took out her phone and called Paige.
"Hello, Love." Paige said as she answered. "How are you doing?"
"Missing you. Did I wake you up?" Emily bit her lip wishing for Paige's hands on her.
"No. I just got back from the hospital." Paige could be heard going up the stairs on the other end.
"Paige…"' Emily started.
"Em, Jessica has no one else right now. I just came back to make sure Teddy got off to bed okay." Paige sighed.
"You have such a big heart." Emily couldn't even get mad at her wife. "How's Jessica doing?"
"Well. Considering she had a heart attack." Paige was probably rubbing the back of her head right about now. Emily could picture it perfectly. "I wish I had clued on to what was happening sooner. She looked unwell, but I chalked that up to her be upset about something."
Emily knew how Paige was feeling, blaming herself. She saw it in the relatives waiting to hear on loved ones in the hospital. "There's nothing you could have done. But you were there. You started chest compressions, and probably got her to the hospital just in time."
"I hate to think about what would have happened if she had been home alone when it happened." Paige went quiet.
"But that's not what happened. Okay?" Emily said firmly, trying to stop Paige's train of thought. "You saved her life."
"I just…"
"I know, baby. I know. Is Jessica still out of it?" Emily wanted to know what Jessica had told the cops about Spencer. The police had found the body of a girl outside Rosewood. And Spencer was the first person the detectives assigned to the case had looked at. She asked again before Paige could answer her first question. "Do you know how? How she's doing?"
"Jessica hasn't woken up. And Spencer." Paige had picked up on whom she had really meant. "Spencer isn't talking to me. Melissa asked me to give her space when I dropped off her jacket. I can guess she's not doing well. Which I can't blame her for. We'll just have to do as she asks and let her know we're here when she needs us."
"I know. But I don't like it." Emily sighed.
"Hold on, Em. Teddy, what are you still doing up?"
Emily could hear Paige sit on the bed, imaging her daughter awake and sitting up. While Paige had said her mother-in-law had shielded the girl from the events of the day before, she wondered how much Teddy had seen of Jessica's collapse and the EMTs arriving to take her away in an ambulance with screeching sirens.
She heard Teddy murmuring and Paige responding by comforting her. "It's okay, Tedge. Your mom and I are okay. And Jessica will be too. Hold on, your mom is on the phone. I know she'll want to talk to her special girl. Em, did you get all that? I'll put her on."
"Mommy!" Teddy cried into the phone.
"Hi, Baby Girl. What's wrong?"
"I had a nightmare. The Shadow Man got you, Mama, and Spencer and then I was all alone."
Emily's heart clenched and she heard a sharp intake of breath from Paige. They were both thinking the same thing. Was this a childhood fear of the dark or was A stalking her family?
"I'm still here okay. And you have your mama right there with you. The Shadow Man won't get us. Your mama won't let him get me and I won't let him get her." Emily shook, whether with dread or fury, she couldn't tell.
"What about Spencer?" Teddy whimpered.
"Your mom and I will keep her safe." Paige answered for the both of them.
"Promise?" Teddy's voice was still so small and shaken.
"Promise." Emily answered. "The Shadow Man better watch his back. Now get some sleep. I'll see you tomorrow. And we can order whatever food you decide on and watch a movie or do whatever you want. How's that sound?"
"It's sounds good!"
"Now, Teddy. I have a special job for you? Think you can handle it?" Emily smiled even though her daughter couldn't see it.
"Yeah! I can do it! What is it?" Teddy had to be bouncing up and down on bed from the sound of the bedsprings.
"Your mama is bad at sleeping alone so I need you to be the best cuddler since I can't be there." Emily could hear Paige chuckled in the background.
"I can do that, Mommy. No problem." Teddy was sure to have a fire of determination in her eyes and her fist pumped into the air, ready to charge ahead. She was Paige's daughter after all.
"Thank you, Em. We'll see you tomorrow." Her wife was probably chuckling right about now and shaking her head. "Love you."
"Love you more." Emily couldn't keep the grin off her face.
"Not possible." Paige chuckled and it was the best sound in the world then and there.
"Hold her tight, okay?" Emily asked.
"I have her. And she has me. Following your orders to the letter. Isn't that right, Tedge?"
"Yesh." Emily could picture the little girl giving off a salute. "Me and Dantes will watch Mama real good."
Emily laughed. "Well, if Dantes is there, I feel a lot better. You guys get some sleep and I'll see you tomorrow."
"Goodnight, Mommy. I love you."
"Good night, Baby Girl. I love you too." Emily ended the call.
"Hey, Doc. Someone bought you a drink. Maker's Mark and Ginger Ale." Wendy smiled as she set down a glass of amber liquid.
Emily smirked. The younger woman was definitely into her. "They did, did they? I'm flattered, but-"
"Oh, yeah. He's coming over here now." Wendy looked over Emily's shoulder. "Um, he said you guys go way back."
"Hello, Emily," came a slurred voice.
"Wilden." Emily's smile was tight. "It's fine, Wendy. I do know him."
"If you're sure." Wendy bit her lip.
Wendy had just been doing her job. Emily couldn't fault her for that. But she couldn't keep the annoyance out of her voice.
"I'm sure."
Wendy bowed her head and left, like a puppy that had been kicked.
"Just another one of your many admirers that you don't deserve. Should your wife and your girlfriend be worried?" Wilden chuckled.
Emily glared at him. "I would never-"
She stopped herself. It was instinct to defend herself. The words came out of her mouth before she remembered. She would never cheat she had almost said, but she already had.
Wilden raised an eyebrow in amusement and she wanted to punch him in his stupid, drunk, smug asshole face. He stole one of the onion rings off her plate.
"What are you doing here, Wilden?" Emily spat out.
"Same as you. Drowning my demons." Wilden took a drink from his own glass.
"I'm nothing like you."
"Maybe not yet. But you keep this up." Wilden flourished his hand over the table, the empty plates and the glasses of alcohol and her pack of cigarettes on the table. His gut jostled the table as he sat down. He leaned forward. "Sooner rather than later, you're gonna look in the mirror and you won't like what you see looking back at you."
Emily raised the drink he brought her just to spite him and cocked her head to the side. She threw him a challenging smirk. "Until then, cheers."
Wilden just shook his head with a tired smile. He raised his glass to tap hers with a clink. Emily downed half of the drink in a gulp.
"Of all the gin joints," Emily started as she set down her glass. "Since the only requirement you have of drinking establishments is cheap alcohol, you could have chosen any bar in the city. Yet here you are. And here I am."
"I have a contact here. Slipped her a couple of twenties to tell me the next time you were here without your doctor pals. Figured you would end up here sooner rather than later." Wilden rubbed his face. "Plus I like the place. It's got an environment very conducive to studying. It's called The Library after all."
Emily huffed as she rolled her eyes. She hated that he was right. The stress of being a surgeon was one she could handle.
But on top of that was her marriage and the situation with Spencer and A. Lately, she had been stopping in for a drink with some other surgical residents a couple of times before going home. Enough to take the edge off, but it wasn't like she was in here every night. Not even every week. Maybe three times. Maybe enough times for Wendy the Waitress to notice her. Still she hadn't told Paige, letting her wife think she was still at the hospital those nights.
"Glad I didn't have to wait long. I was about to try going to your wife's law firm tomorrow, but she's not back yet, is she?" Wilden's grin was sharp for a moment before it dropped into a dopey smile. She looked at his glass. It was still full. He hadn't taken a sip since he sat down.
Emily looked into his eyes. They were clear and calculating. "What are you really doing here?"
Wilden took out a folder from the satchel hanging on the back of his chair. Emily hadn't noticed it until now. "I'm sure you heard that there was another victim."
Emily gripped her glass tightly. "I did."
"You know how it is. A teenage girl gets murdered so the first person that they look at for being the doer is the last person who killed two teenage girls." Wilden tapped the folder.
"Never mind she was a teen herself when the murders happened." Emily growled. "What was the time of death?"
"Thursday around 2 pm to 5 pm."
"Spencer was with us! We were having Thanksgiving dinner. Ask my wife. My parents." Emily argued.
Why had no one called her to confirm?
"Your wife?" Wilden scoffed. "Would say whatever you wanted her to. But you'll be happy to know that Hastings has an alibi. Jessica DiLaurentis told the detectives she was with Hastings at your dinner. And you can guess they'd take the word of the woman who hates Spencer Hastings over the woman who is in love with her." Wilden leaned forward.
Emily sighed and ran her thumb up and down the condensation on her glass. "Jessica must have told them before she had her heart attack."
"I heard about that. It's fucked up." Wilden ran his finger along the rim of his glass.
"But we don't know what else. Jessica was with my wife when it happened. Paige said that it was like Jessica was trying to come clean about something." Emily took another sip of her drink.
"Probably was. Jessica made a statement about what happened that night. The night Alison was murdered, I mean. Said she saw a girl with dark hair talking to Alison in the backyard. They were fighting. Jessica went to break it up. But by the time she got down there, they both were gone. Alison had disappeared. And you know how that turned out." Wilden's hands were shaking.
"And you believed her?"
"That she saw a girl fighting with Alison? Yes. That it was Spencer? No."
"That's why you thought Spencer was covering for someone. For one of us." Emily watched him for a beat. "No. You thought she was covering for me. You thought I killed Alison."
Wilden didn't say anything. The silence was confirmation.
"You honestly think I'm capable of killing someone?" Emily crossed her arms over her chest.
"Honestly? Now more than ever." Wilden spoke clearly.
"You fucker." Emily growled at him. "What makes you think-"
"Veronica Hastings."
That stopped Emily cold. It took a moment for her to recover. "Veronica died of cancer."
Her voice was slow and steady, but even to her it sounded forced.
"They didn't do an autopsy. So who's to say?"
"Are you done?" Emily snarled at him.
"No." Wilden opened the folder. Inside were a stack of files, and photographs. The one on top was of a teenage girl. She was smiling brightly. She had wavy brown hair and brown eyes. Slender. Her nose was different, but if not for that Emily would have thought she was looking at a photo of Spencer.
Emily's throat tightened and she downed the remaining alcohol in her glass.
"This is Sabina Hahn. The girl they just found. Looks familiar, doesn't she?" Wilden handed her the stack of photographs. "They all look familiar."
The photographs were all of brunette teenage girls. Slender. Pale skin. Elegant looking. Regal.
"Looks like the killer has the same taste as you."
"What the fuck are you trying to say?" Emily growled.
"A murderer has been free for more than 15 years." Wilden cocked his head to side. "And here you are."
Emily laughed bitterly. "I'm done here."
She signaled at Wendy and left some money on the table to pay for her meal and to give the waitress a generous tip. She wanted to get out of there quickly.
"Or maybe. The killer hates these girls so much because they remind her of the woman her wife is fucking."
Emily spun around and slapped Wilden in the face. "Don't you fucking talk about them!"
"Emily! Are you okay?" Wendy put a hand on her shoulder and she shrugged it off.
"I'm fine." Emily said through clenched teeth. She glared at Wilden. She grabbed the folder from the table. "I'm taking this."
Wilden chuckled as he rubbed his putrid cheek. "Good. It's yours."
Emily shook her head at him in disgust and left the bar. Once outside, she put the folder into her messenger bag. Then she took out a cigarette and trapped it between her lips. With shaky hands, she got the cigarette lit.
She inhaled deeply until she felt a burning in her chest. Then she let go.
The smoke curled out from her lips, but all her problems stayed behind. She walked home quickly and let herself in.
The apartment was just as empty as she felt.
Emily tossed her keys onto the small table in the foyer. There was too much force behind the throw and the keys skidded over the edge onto the floor. She sighed and left them where they fell.
Emily slipped the strap of her messenger bag off of her shoulder and placed it on the couch as she headed towards the wooden cabinet where they kept the alcohol.
She usually drank wine or beer at home. It depended on her goal. Most of the time it was a glass or bottle to go with dinner. Other times it was to wind down or relax. She could claim health benefits for each succeeding glass of red wine after the first. She didn't feel as guilty with the same glass being refilled as she did with bottles of beer filling up the recycling bin. Often times, wine wouldn't cut it and she grabbed a bottle of beer depending on her mood. She hardly had more than two drinks at home.
Tonight her mood called for something harder.
They kept an assortment of alcohol should they be entertaining adult guests. Paige favored whiskey or bourbon, claiming that her Irish ancestry demanded it. She grabbed the bottle of Maker's Mark by the neck and a glass then headed back to the couch. If she had to go without Paige then she could make due with her wife's drink of choice.
The lights in the living room switched on once Emily entered, the motion sensors being set off. It was a good investment. No stumbling around in the dark when she came home late or had to leave before the sun came up.
Emily fell into the couch. She was just drained, everything wrong going on with her life adding up and crashing down on her. Her marriage with Paige. Fighting for Spencer's innocence.
Her other relationships were suffering too. Hanna was mad at her. Her parents were disappointed with her. Even Teddy was upset with her it seemed.
Being a surgeon had been the easiest part of her life lately. Up until today that was.
With a clenched jaw, Emily poured herself a drink without bothering to grab soda to mix in. The bottle would be her only companion for the rest of the night. She took a gulp, steeling herself for the contents of the folder she had taken from Wilden. She inhaled deeply through her nose like she was about to dive from the starting block. It was part of psyching herself up, whether about to start a race or a surgery.
She opened the folder.
Up until now, Emily only knew the number of victims. That's all she selfishly bothered to learn. Eleven girls were too much. Now that number was twelve. Higher still if she added Ali and Maya. And Spencer. They were all victims.
It was time Emily learned about the victims. Their names, their ages, where they died. What they looked like.
She started with the first girl. Alexis Faraday. Like Wilden said in the bar all the girls were brunettes, brown eyed, tall and slender. Alexis Faraday was no different. Spencer had already been in prison when the girl had been killed. Strangled.
The next girl was the same. And the next. All up until Sabina Hahn.
Sabina Hahn was the only girl to be killed since Spencer had been released from prison. And the one that stood out the most.
Sabina Hahn was the girl that most resembled Spencer. Not just in looks, but in activities. The girl was on the Academic Decathlon team, on her way to Princeton, and while not on the field hockey team she was on the Rosewood Sharks Tennis Team. She was the same age Spencer was when she had been arrested.
It was such an obvious choice. And deliberate. A must have been overjoyed to find this girl. Not only that but extremely patient before claiming the girl as theirs. A couldn't have Spencer yet so they made due with these placeholders. For a brief moment, Emily wondered if Sabina Hahn's killer had molded the girl into being just like Spencer.
That sent a shiver through Emily's entire being, cutting straight to the soul. She downed the rest of her whiskey and poured herself another.
Emily went through the file again. She tried to look for a pattern. The girls didn't seem to have anything in common other than having brown hair and brown eyes.
It was as if these girls had just been seen on the street and had the misfortune of reminding their killer of Spencer.
Emily rubbed at her temple. There had to be an answer here somewhere.
She solved mysteries for a living.
Sure she was a surgeon, not exactly a pathologist or an internist, but she saw patients that came to her with clues in the form of symptoms and she examined them and ran tests to arrive at a diagnosis.
Spencer and Paige had been looking into this longer than she had been. Since the both of them wanted to shield her from such depraved acts. But she wasn't made of glass. She had seen horrible things as a doctor. The violent things people could do to each other. The horrible things that could be done to children.
So Emily knew she could take this. She knew she could help Spencer carry this weight.
If only she could figure this out. If only she could beat A at their own game.
Emily started to commit every detail of the girls' lives and deaths to memory. Nothing was minor or insignificant. It went that way long into the night, until it was all she could see when she closed her eyes.
"Em."
Someone was shaking her awake.
"Emily." The hands on her shoulder called again.
"Hmm. What?" Emily startled awake and would have fallen off the couch if it weren't for the hands that had been shaking her awake, holding her steady. Still, she ended up hitting her leg against the coffee table. "Fuck."
Emily sat up and rubbed her shin. She looked up at Hanna. "What the hell, Han?"
"We were supposed to meet for breakfast. But you were nowhere to be found at our spot. Plus, Paige's been trying to call you. So since you weren't answering either of our calls, she asked me to check up on you." Hanna sat down next to her on the couch, and she pointed at the half empty bottle of whiskey next to a brown paper bag and a tray of coffee. "And she was right to. Did you drink yourself to sleep?"
"No!" Emily answered quickly. "I had a couple of glasses while I was reading. I just fell asleep."
Emily picked up her phone off the floor. "Shit."
It was dead. She put it on the charging pad on the coffee table.
"Okay. But you usually go for wine. Not the hard stuff." Hanna looked at the photos and papers spread out over the coffee table. "What is all this?"
Before Emily could stop her, Hanna had picked up a stack of photos. Hanna was still fast despite the fact she was eight months pregnant.
"Wilden gave them to me." Emily bit her lip. "The person that killed Maya and Alison has been killing girls that look like Spencer."
Hanna flipped through the photos. "No wonder you needed help sleeping."
Emily ran a hand through her hair. "I didn't- That's not why. Yesterday was bad."
Hanna looked at her to explain.
"I lost a patient." Emily slumped back against the couch. "Being a surgeon is. Was the one thing in my life I was getting right?" She pressed the heels of her palms into her closed eyes. "God, I sound like such a selfish asshole. A mother and father lost their son yesterday."
"It's good that you said that so now I don't have to." Hanna put the photos down. "You're a good doctor. But lately you've been an asshole. A shit friend and a shittier wife."
"I have been." Emily's voice cracked. "I'm so sorry, Han."
"I'm still mad at you, but I still love you, Em. I'll give you the time you need. But don't push me away." Hanna pulled Emily in for a hug, as well as she could manage with her pregnant belly in the way. "What A did to Patrick's grave. That's a lot to handle. Too much for one person. Let us in."
"Thank you, Hanna. For still being there for me. Even though I'm an asshole." Emily felt a little better. Even though her head was killing her.
"Paige told me about what happened." Hanna put her hand on Emily's knee.
"With Jessica or with Spencer?" Emily laughed bitterly.
"All of it."
Hanna and Emily were best friends, and that meant Paige and Caleb were as well. The four of them were close. Emily and Caleb could hang out without their better halves, trying out any and all the restaurants their foodie hearts desired. They dominated bar games and had won a few cornhole tournaments at local bars. The two of them had even tried their hand at micro-brewing their own beers. Most importantly, Caleb had her back. In turn, Paige and Hanna did day trips together, strangely enough both having a shared interest in craftwork. Like weaving bath mats or blowing glass. Those two got along surprisingly well. Hanna even joked that Paige was her sister-in-law.
So yes, the four of them were close. Emily would compare it to the friendship she and Hanna had with Aria and Spencer back before everything fell apart. But lately, Emily was neglectful, tossing everything to the side because of Spencer.
"I don't know what to do anymore." Emily shook her head.
"Sometimes there's nothing you can do." Hanna patted her back. "Like in surgery? Didn't you tell me that once? Sometimes all you can do is close your patient backup and hope for the best."
Emily had told her that. But at the time, it was out of bitterness. That after all the training and medical advancements made, lack of funds and poor health insurance claimed the most lives every year.
The buzz of her phone pulled Emily out of her thoughts. Paige was calling.
She also noticed the time and checked it against her watch still on her wrist. She had less than an hour to get ready and get to work. "Shit. That's the time?"
Emily answered the phone, while she jumped off the couch and ran to her bedroom. "Hey, babe. I can't talk right now. I got a late start and I need to get ready for my shift."
"I figured since you weren't picking up your phone." Paige said worriedly.
"It died." Emily winced.
"Okay. Just wanted to let you know that Teddy and I are going home soon. Team Grandma wants to take us out for lunch if you're free?"
"I'll be scrubbed in all morning and into what is a suitable time for lunch to be eaten by normal people." Emily tried to joke as she undressed. "I can do dinner though."
"Then we'll see you for dinner. I'll tell Tedge she can pick the restaurant. So prepare for pizza or chicken tenders." Paige laughed.
Emily wanted to stay on the phone longer to hear it more, but she had to get started. She smelt like a bar. "I'll try to call you when I'm free, but I really need to hop in the shower."
"Okay. Love you."
Emily cracked a wide smile at her wife's words. "Love you, too."
"I'll let you go. Bye." Paige hung up.
Emily left her cell on the bathroom counter with a smile still on her face. She caught her reflection in the mirror, and she was trying to remember the last time she had felt that happy. Not just happy, but ecstatic. She started humming Crazy in Love. It just popped in her head the way she was feeling.
"Your kiss got me hoping you'll save me right now." Emily sang the chorus out loud.
She hummed all the way through her lather, rinse and repeat. She decided to use some of Paige's soap. She loved that spicy, woodsy smell.
Emily hopped out of the shower. She reached for her robe only to grasp air. She remembered too late that Paige did the laundry before they left for the holiday. Paige was usually the one that took care of replacing the towels.
There were clean towels in their bathroom, just ones hardly large enough to cover her body. She quickly grabbed one and wiped down her body.
Thoughts rushing around, Emily went into the bedroom to grab clothes. And screamed when she realized she wasn't alone.
"Fucking A! Hanna!" Emily held a hand against her very exposed chest.
"That hand isn't covering much." Hanna was sitting on the bed, sipping from one of the disposable cups she had brought over this morning. The other cup was balanced on one of the end tables beside the bed. "And please. It's nothing I haven't seen before."
"Still!" Emily wrapped her hair up in the towel. She grabbed another towel and started to wipe herself down. "You could have announced yourself."
"Hi," Hanna rolled her eyes. "I'm Hanna and I'm in your room sitting on your bed."
Emily snorted and walked towards her drawers, still patting herself dry with the towel. She opened the top one up and grabbed some clean panties and a bra.
"Go ahead. Continue to be naked." Hanna huffed. "Just let it all hang out there."
"What happened to it being nothing you haven't seen before?" Emily turned her back to Hanna as she stepped into the panties. Her tummy pushed against the waistband of her underwear, but she figured the damage from Thanksgiving and last night's burger wasn't too bad. She grabbed her bra and put it on next.
"You know how much I love your boobs. But there's no need to rub them in my face." Hanna laughed. "That's Paige's job. Literally."
"Can you grab me a top?" Emily forced a chuckle as she wiggled and hopped into her jeans. She sucked in her belly and got the jeans buttoned. She had a bit of a muffin top going on until she adjusted the waistband, but some flesh still poured over. So much for their not being much damage from Thanksgiving.
"Here." Hanna handed over a polo shirt.
Emily took it from the blonde. She pulled it over her head. She had to undo the buttons, which showed off a lot of cleavage. The sleeves pinched a bit around her arms. She sighed and started doing her make-up.
"Also I cleaned up your murder files. Wouldn't want my goddaughter to be exposed to crime scene photos. But why bother when she's been hanging out with Jean Valjean."
"Don't start, Hanna."
"What! Not because of the prisoner thing. But because Spencer's hella jacked now and has a guilt complex that can be seen from space."
The two women fell quiet. Emily finished getting ready. Which was hard to do since she was shaking with frustration. It seemed she would always come back to this feeling of being hollow, and in a rush to fill it with anything that she filled it with everything. Food and alcohol. Anger and arguments. Challenges and competition.
She was happy, but never satisfied.
Hanna wrapped her arms around Emily from behind.
"I worry about you. I know you don't want me to. But I do."
Emily took a deep breath. She didn't want to get into another argument with yet another person that cared about her. Hanna was always looking out for her. "Thank you."
"And if I have to kick your ass so you don't do anything unbelievably stupid, I will." Hanna gave her a pat on the back.
"You're always first in line for that job." Emily gave her a small smile.
"Lord knows everyone else let's you get away with it. Or they're right there along with you charging right into the stupid." Hanna laughed as she took a sandwich out of the paper bag. "Of course, I'm there too, loudly complaining at how stupid you all are."
"Oh how the tables have turned." Emily grinned as she sat on the bed next to Hanna.
"Drink your damn coffee." Hanna handed the other cup to her. "And please, I'm the Only Sane Man in this bunch."
"Thanks, Han." Emily took the cup and took a sip. She scrunched up her face. "It's cold!"
"Well you're the one that was late to our breakfast date so no whining. It's still warm, you big baby."
"Fine. Room temp coffee is better than nothing." Emily gulped down some of the warm coffee. She just needed the caffeine. It was an Americano sweetened with sugar and Vanilla syrup. She took another gulp. "Tell me you brought donuts to make up for it."
"I did not. But come on I'll drive you to work." Hanna dragged Emily out to the living room as she finished her coffee. "Since your wife is not here, it is my job to look after you and make sure your diet isn't junk."
"Are you saying I'm fat?" Emily said in mock-offense as she helped Hanna into her jacket.
Hanna bumped into Emily and pinched her side. She playfully teased, "No. You're big and beautiful."
"And don't you forget it." Emily grabbed her jacket and satchel. And she remembered to grab her keys from the floor. Finally, she walked over to the brown paper bag.
"I figured you had a rough night when you didn't show this morning. So I got you a sandwich. It's not the greasy fare you usually get after you've been drinking."
"A very Paige choice." Emily laughed as she pulled out the sandwich and unwrapped it.
"Yeah. Well, the sandwich is pretty close to what she made the two of us for breakfast the one time we headed out at the ass crack of dawn to go find old wooden furniture to paint and make it look even older." Hanna grinned while Emily held the door open for both of them to leave.
"Just the one time?" Emily teased as she took a bite of the sandwich.
"More than once. Jealous?" Hanna was smirking as she pressed the button for the elevator to go to the parking garage in the lower level.
"Of you and my wife? No. I get to sleep in and get brunch with your husband. Two words. Lumberjack breakfast. Who's jealous now?" Emily waggled her eyebrows up and down.
The elevator came and they got on. Emily hit the button to go to the basement. She continued to eat her sandwich.
"People say Paige and I make a really cute couple all the time," Hanna said. "And as much as I love my chubby hubby and his manly beard and mane, he only eats like a lumberjack while Paige can do the heavy lifting, can chop wood like a pro and doesn't whine when we go camping in the woods."
"Only because he was the worst at throwing axes. Sure his excuse was because he was cut off from his precious technology, but he was so mopey that I could throw the fire axe even after a few beers. When they're not designed to be thrown." Emily thought about how she and Caleb were weirdly competitive when it came to things like hot wing eating contests and alcohol-induced idiocy like a couple of frat bros.
"We're all lucky no one ended up in the hospital when you two pulled that. I can't believe I'm the responsible one. It's like Paige and I are the parents of three children with another on the way. Not even Teddy got sick from eating too many s'mores." Hanna shook her head as she pressed the button on the key fob to unlock the car. "Although, I don't need Paige's dad jokes and pranks involving loss of limb."
"That was a great weekend. And Teddy loved it." Emily laughed while she crossed over to the passenger side. Both women got into the car.
"Plus, we all look really good in flannel." Emily shoved the remainder of her sandwich into her mouth.
"I always look good. We should go up to that cabin again when this one is out and older." Hanna had hand on her pregnant belly as she slipped behind the wheel. "Teddy was three. The kid would appreciate trees at that age. And s'mores. Seat belt!"
"You already have the mom voice down." Emily complied with Hanna's request. "Teddy is going to love having another kid to share her wisdom with."
"Like I said, I've been practicing my mom voice with you and Caleb." Hanna started the car and turned pulled out of the garage. "Are you and Paige ever going to have another kid?"
"We want to. And like, we're both at that place in our careers where we can. Paige is such a great mom and she loves kids. I mean Paige and I both grew up only children. We'd love for Teddy to have a little brother or a little sister." Emily stared at her hands.
"I can hear a but," Hanna drove to the hospital.
"It wouldn't feel fair right now. It wouldn't. I'm not who I used to be. If I even ever was that person." Emily balled up her hands into fists.
"You're right." Hanna shook her head. "You should talk to someone. You and Paige."
"I should. I know I should. I get as far as calling up a therapist before I hang up." Emily chewed on her lip. "Doctors make the worst patients. It's really annoying."
"You hardly went before you were a doctor." Hanna kept her eyes on the road. "I don't think you really dealt with what happened to us. And what happened with Spencer. I think… I think part of you became a doctor to save other people so you never had to focus on saving yourself."
"Hot take from the fashion designer that only took an "Intro to Psych" class and needed my help to pass." Emily fired back. She quickly realized what she was doing. She sighed. "Fuck, I'm sorry, Han."
"You know I'm right so you're lashing out. I get it. But don't." Hanna said sternly. "You're one of my oldest friends, so I don't need some Psych class to tell me what you're doing and why you're doing it."
"You're right. You're absolutely right." Emily gave Hanna a small, hopeful smile.
"And don't you forget it." Hanna laughed.
"As if you'd let me." Emily shook her head. "I don't know what I'd do without you in my life."
"You'd probably be in an even bigger mess than the one you're in now." The blonde smirked.
"That's fair." Emily said as Hanna's car neared the hospital. Before Emily got out of the car, she turned towards Hanna. "Thank you."
"I know, I know. You love me. I'm the best. You'd be absolutely lost without me. Get to work." Hanna waved her off.
Emily still went into for a hug. "Bye, Han."
Hanna returned the hug. "Bye, Em. Go save some lives."
Emily climbed out of the passenger seat and shut the car door behind her. She knew Hanna wasn't going to pull away until Emily was safely inside the hospital. Before Emily got close to the hospital doors, she paused a bit to look back at Hanna. Her friend grinned and waved her forward. Emily flashed her a grin and went inside.
"Dr. Fields!"
Emily turned at the sound of her name being called. She recognized the woman waving at her. It was a volunteer that often helped up in the pediatric surgery ward. Her name was Lisa and she was standing up behind a table with a red tablecloth set up off to the side. Another hospital volunteer remained seated next to her, but gave Emily a smile. She checked her watch. She had a moment to spare.
"Hello, ladies." Emily approached them.
"Have you gotten tickets for the Gala yet?" Lisa waved at a banner stand next to the table announcing the St. Luke's Annual Gala. The words Ruby Anniversary Gala and "Experience an Evening 40 Years in the making." were scrawled across the banner in white test across a red background.
A black tie event sounded like just what she and Paige needed. Emily knew she had that night off so she would just have to ask her wife. She smiled, "Not yet. But I'd love to. Are you guys going to be here the rest of the day so I can get the tickets for me and my wife when I get a break?"
"Of course. And we'll be here the rest of the week up until the day of the Gala. We'd love to have you and Paige." The other volunteer, Laura, beamed.
The other volunteers all loved having Paige around when her wife would volunteer herself. Everything Paige did from reading to the pediatric patients to chatting to the lonely elderly patients made the hospital a bright place. Paige had even gotten the most pledges when she'd play in the Annual Golf Classic. She had even convinced some of her law firm's clients to attend the hospital's charity events.
"Great! I'll come find you." Emily tossed them each a charming smile, the one that she usually used to get away with anything. The two volunteers nodded happily.
Emily made her way up to the surgical resident locker room. As she went, she greeted nurses and doctors she knew. The thought of going to the Gala with Paige was already leaving her in a better mood than she had been in that morning.
She was making plans in her head. About what she and Paige were going to wear. Her dress had to be right shade of red to fit the theme of the gala. And the perfect style and cut. An evening dress would be more appropriate than a cocktail dress. She could do a strapless dress or maybe a V-neck dress. A dress that hugged her curves for sure. She'd ask Hanna to hit up some stores with her for the dress. Paige would look amazing in her black suit with either a black or a deep red dress shirt.
There was just something about a woman in a suit that did things to her. Her wife looked especially amazing both in and out of any suit she wore.
And without meaning to, Emily thought about how Spencer would look decked in one. A piece that actually fit her well at least. Spencer had worn a suit on Halloween. Even though that suit was ill fitting, Emily went back to see Spencer at her work.
And kissed her.
God, Emily was horrible.
Kissing another woman was what got her in trouble. Then trying to hide it and keep it a secret from Paige made it so much worse.
Emily still didn't know why she had kissed Spencer. She hadn't been thinking. Other than about how she wanted to kiss Spencer, so she just...
Did it.
And in doing so, Emily had ended up hurting the women she loved.
But she knew she had done them wrong and was trying to make it right. None of it mattered if she kept hurting them. It felt like all she did was hurt them and she didn't know how to stop.
Making it to the residents' locker room, Emily greeted her fellow residents. She nodded along to their conversation, not really paying attention to what the topic was. She opened her locker.
Right inside was a pamphlet. A marriage counseling pamphlet.
On the front page, across the top were the words "How to Save Your Marriage When You Ruined It in the First Place." with every letter A bold and in all caps, leaving no mystery about who the pamphlet was from.
Emily gritted her teeth. Who was A to tell her to get help? A was the reason her marriage was suffering. She crumpled the pamphlet up and threw it in the back of her locker.
She didn't need A's help.
She didn't need anyone's help.
She could fix her marriage all on her own.