Chapter 36 – A Serenade
Carlisle:
It's been a few days since the girls' trip into town and the incident with Charlie. Bella has settled down and so has Alice and Rosalie. Things are going smoothly for the time being and I'm hoping it will last a little while longer before the next upheaval happens, and it invariably will. I got home from the hospital early today. It was actually a nice day and everyone was home. Bella and Edward were in the living room with Jake and Seth. Leah was studying and asking me some things for her classes. We were in the downstairs study. Rosalie and Emmett were in their room and Alice and Jasper went to their little hide-away spot for some alone time. Rosalie and Emmett came down to the living room with the others.
Esme asked Jake and Seth if they wanted something to eat and Rosalie offered to help her prepare some sloppy joes. They were having fun making the evening meal for the wolf children.
"Hey, she's not going to put something in that stuff to make me sick is she?" Jake asked Bella and Edward.
"No, not with Mom out there with her," Bella said.
"Yeah, we'll I'm not so sure. I don't trust her!" Jake said looking toward the kitchen. "Maybe I better go out there and keep an eye on her."
"I can hear you, you ungrateful hound dog," Rosalie called out to Jake.
"Yeah, well I can smell you all the way in here!" Jake yelled back to her.
"Mother, why do we feed him, he doesn't appreciate anything we do for him. Let him go out and hunt and kill prey in the wild like the regular wolves," Rosalie said loudly.
"Rosalie! That was not nice, now you apologize," Esme ordered her.
"I'm sorry you're not a real wolf and can feed yourself, you lupine!" Rose taunted.
"I'm sorry you're a poison flower! What an insult to roses everywhere that you share the name with them," Jake taunted back.
"Rosalie and Jacob! Do not make me come out there and deal with the two of you," I threatened them.
"Dad, he's like a stray, rabid wolf! He's going mad! Next he'll be foaming at the mouth," Rosalie yelled out.
"Rosalie, that's enough!" I warned her again.
Jake then ran to the kitchen, opened the refrigerator and grabbed a soda, popped the can, took a big gulp of soda in his mouth, swished it making it foam and sprayed Rosalie with it. He got her right in her face and all in her hair.
"OOOOOOOooooooo! Look what you did to me, you vicious hound!" Rosalie yelled.
Jake just stood there and laughed at her. That was my cue to go in there and stop this before someone got hurt. Just as I rounded the corner, Rosalie had picked up a skillet and was about to smash Jake on the head with it. I flashed over and grabbed it from her.
"Rosalie Cullen! Don't you dare hit him with that skillet! What is wrong with you?" I said angrily.
"Rose, you stop it this instant," Esme added.
"Look what he did! I'm a mess and you don't say a thing to him." Rosalie complained.
Jake was still laughing and pointing to her holding his stomach and carrying on. Rosalie just glared at him and was about to pounce on him again before I grabbed her and landed 6 swats to her backside.
"OOWWW! Dad! Smack him!" Rosalie said trying to break free of me.
"Don't you try to get away from me, young lady! You apologize to him right now! You started this mess again!" I demanded of her.
"And you mister, stop laughing! You're next!" I said to him. Jake stopped laughing and just stood there smirking at Rosalie.
"Come on Rosie, tell me you love me, sister dear," Jake said then making kissing noises toward her.
"EEEEWWWW! You make me so mad!" Rose yelled at Jake.
I turned to Esme and held the skillet out for her, "Esme, take this skillet and put it where Rosalie can't get to it right now." As I turned to talk to Esme, Jake ran forward and grabbed Rosalie by the face, puckered his lips acting like he was going to kiss her, but then licked her on the side of her left face like a dog would lap at you. I turned as he finished and pulled away. Rosalie was shocked and furious.
"UGH! DAD! Look what he did to me! You filthy, smelly mutt! Now I have germs and who knows what else I got from your dirty mouth," Rosalie screamed.
It was a good thing I still had a hold on her or she would have attacked Jacob by now. Jacob just laughed at her. I turned my attention toward him.
"Ha ha ha! You should have seen your face!" Jake taunted her.
"Are you going to let him get by with this, dad?" Rose asked turning to me with sheer anger on her face.
"Rose, go up and take a shower and settle down while I deal with Jacob. You caused this, little lady!" I chided her.
Rose stepped forward toward Jacob who was still laughing at her and gave him the fiercest look. She then turned slowly and made her way to the stairs.
"Hey thorn bush, I licked my butt a little while ago when I was in wolf form and I just phased back a few minutes ago! Keep that mental picture in mind as you wash your face in the shower! Ha ha ha ha ha!" Jake said falling over laughing.
Rosalie just shuddered and turned back to me, "Dad do something with that...that…animal!" She then flashed up the stairs.
As Rosalie flashed up the stairs, I then locked my sights onto my laughing wolf son who was so pleased with himself I'm surprised he wasn't patting himself on the back. Of course the onlookers in the living room were laughing it up with him.
"Jacob Cullen, come over here," I ordered him. Turning toward the living room, I addressed the laugh track behind me, "That's enough from all of you. You're not helping the situation," I scolded them. They tried their best to stop laughing.
"Jacob, I said come here!" I called to him again.
"Ha ha ha, okay daddy vamp, just let me quit laughing first and I'll be right with you," Jake said still giggling himself silly.
Having enough I flashed over to Jake and stood right in front of him. I scared him again since he had his eyes closed laughing and he fell backwards onto the floor.
"Whoa! Man daddy vamp, I wish you would stop that," Jake complained, "you could…"
I reached down and grabbed him by the ear and pulled him up. "Oooww! Hey that hurts! Ooww, not my ear again! Dad let go…" Jake whined. I pushed him in front of me still holding him by the ear and began swatting him all the way to the downstairs bathroom. He yelped after each swat and then whined about his ear.
"Ooww, that hurt…my ear, let go…oowww da-ad…you're hurting my ear…oooww…stop smacking me…oooww…hey my ear is pulling away from my head…ooowww!" He yelped.
Finally, we arrived at the bathroom and I sat him down on the toilet lid, which I closed. I opened the closet and took out a fresh bar of soap and unwrapped it and ran it under water making it suds. "Since you like licking your sister's cheek so much you can hold this bar of soap in your mouth and lick it," I told him.
"Oh no, not the soap! Come on DV (DV=daddy vamp), not that! Please! I'm sick enough from licking Rosie's toxic cheek! Please, not the soap," Jake pleaded.
"Hush up and open your mouth like usual," I ordered him. He looked up at me and then down and then looked up and opened wide.
"Good call, Jake," I commended him. I then stuck the soapy bar in his mouth. "Bite down and hold it in your mouth until I say you can spit it out."
"MMm mmmm mm m mmmm mm mmmm mm?" Jake mumbled.
I grabbed the soap, "What was that, mumbles?" I asked.
"How long do I have to hold it?" Jake asked smacking his lips. "YUK!"
"Three minutes, counting now," I said.
"Aw come on…mmmmm mmmmmm!" Jake tried to protest but I stuck the soap back in his mouth.
"Uh uh uh! No complaining, young man," I said. He just gave me a sigh and was trying to blow air past the bar of soap. "Stop that!" I said to him. He sighed again but complied. Finally his three minutes were up and I let him spit the soap out. He carried on like I poured acid in his mouth. Such drama!
"YUK! UCK! That was terrible! That was cruel and unusual punishment! YUK YUK YUK!" He stood at the sink spitting it out for about 5 minutes.
"Jacob, that's enough! Stop overreacting!" I chided him.
"Overreacting? Did you ever taste that soap? What is it made from, tar?" It's awful," Jake complained.
"No, I don't eat soap, only animal blood," I answered smiling.
"Ick, I'd rather eat the soap!" Jake said making a face.
"Alright enough, you and Rosalie are going to sit on the couch in time out to teach you two a lesson," I informed him.
"Awe, come on, daddy vamp! That's like pouring hot oil on a hot pan!" Jake protested.
"Come on, out to the living room with you," I said leading him toward the couches. In the living room I noticed the others all made themselves scarce whenever the soap makes an appearance. I made Jake sit on one end of the couch. I then called Rosalie downstairs. I heard her go into her room from the shower. She dressed and made her way down the stairs.
"Rosalie, you sit at the opposite end of the couch from Jake," I instructed her.
"Why? I don't want to sit on the same couch as that vicious wolf boy," Rosalie complained.
"That is precisely why you are both going to do it. Both of you sit on this couch and you do not get up until I say so," I informed them.
"I better not hear any arguing or fighting and if I do, you are both coming upstairs to the study, understood?"
"Yes dad!" Rosalie said. "Gotcha DV!" Jake said. They both looked at each other and glared.
I left them hoping this would work. I then went to my study to work on papers.
After a little while Jasper went down the stairs and saw Jake and Rosalie sitting on the couch with disgusted looks on their faces, neither one looking at the other and pouting. "Well, you two in trouble again?" Jasper asked. "I know just the thing to cheer you guys up," Jasper said running upstairs. Jake and Rosalie looked at each other wondering what he was talking about. Rosalie just shrugged her shoulders indicating she had no clue.
Not a minute later Jasper came back with a guitar in his hand. He sat down on the couch across from them. "I'll play and sing a new version of a song I made up for you," Jasper said happily.
Jake looked at Rosalie, "I didn't know he played the guitar and could sing."
"He shouldn't," Rosalie replied.
Jake then looked back at Jasper who couldn't wait to spread joy through song at his two miserable looking siblings. He began strumming and singing, "Home on the Range" and he wasn't too good at it. He was off key and his guitar playing needed work. Jake looked at Rosalie and rolled his eyes.
"I told you, at least you can listen to Edward's music," Rosalie offered.
"Home, home on the range, on the range! Where the deer, elk and antelope play! Where they play! Where seldom ain't heard, a curse word or flip of the bird, and the sky aye ayayie is gray and cloudy all day, for us vamps!"
"He's doing the harmony parts? You gotta be kidding," Jake said looking at Rosalie.
"Now for the second verse, can you tell I added my own spin on this classic?" Jasper asked.
"Uh yeah, it's spinning alright! Out of control!" Jake said under his breath and rolling his eyes at Rosalie who was actually giggling.
"He thinks he's good enough to cut a record," Rosalie said to Jake.
"Huh! In two maybe!" Jake offered. Rosalie actually laughed at that.
"Now for verse three, you'll really like this one," Jasper said grinning.
"How many verses are there?" Jake asked.
"I got six so far," Jasper said proudly.
"Oh joy!" Jake said slapping his own face.
"He'll sing them all, too," Rosalie informed Jake.
"You mean he'll murder them; that's not singing," Jake said as Rosalie covered her mouth to keep from laughing.
"Oops, I broke a string, no matter, I can do the song with just 5 strings," Jasper said with confidence. He began again and the sound and the singing were worse than before.
"He's kidding right?" Jake said to Rosalie.
"No, no he's not kidding. Anyway you can break the guitar?" Rose whispered to Jake.
"I can't hurt an innocent guitar, listen to what it's going through," Jake replied. "Hey, I just saw all the birds fly out of the trees and head toward the mountains!"
"Lucky birds! I wish we were with them," Rosalie added.
Jasper continued on strumming and singing. The missing string made the sound so out of tune, it was a chore to listen to it, not to mention Jasper singing off key to begin with. Jake was gritting his teeth and holding his ears, until he finally had enough.
"That's it! I can't take this anymore, I'm going to daddy vamp's study and asking for a spanking!" Jake said getting up and running up the stairs.
"Wait for me," Rosalie added and joined him.
They both came bounding into my study. I couldn't help but laugh at them as I could hear their entire conversation. I was grinning to myself about Jasper's performance and wished I could have seen Jake and Rose's faces.
"What are you two doing up here? I didn't give you permission to get up," I said narrowing my eyes at them.
"Are you kidding? You, with the vampire super-sonic hearing! You call that singing? It sounds like a sick cat calling for its mother and the mother wants nothing to do with it! Who could blame her?" Jake said in all seriousness.
"Daddy, you really need to tell Jazz he needs voice lessons," Rosalie added.
"Voice lessons? That would only help if he had his vocal cords replaced and the guitar! What did he tune it with, a pitchfork? By the way, it needs another string," Jake said with disgust.
"Again, what are you doing up here?" I asked sternly trying not to grin.
"That…that…noise…is ruining my wolf hearing! I'm not sitting down there and going through that torture anymore. I thought the soap was bad! Here, tan my hide," Jake said turning around and bending over. "I'd rather get spanked than sit down there and start pulling my eyelashes out one by one," Jake stated.
"Ha ha!" Rosalie couldn't help herself and laughed at Jake's antics. "Me too dad, I can't take it anymore," she said.
"Just so you know, you guys will need to find new hunting grounds because he just drove all the wildlife across the Canadian border!" Jake said rubbing his ears.
I couldn't help but chuckle out loud at them. Jake straightened up and turned to look at me and so did Rosalie. The looks on their faces just made me laugh out loud.
"Hey, wait a minute! You did this on purpose didn't you?" Jake said now glaring at me.
"What? You're crazy! Dad wouldn't do that to us…why are you laughing at us Dad?" Rosalie asked now realizing what Jake was saying. "Oh that is mean! How could you, Dad?"
"It got you two to talk to one another without fighting! You even laughed together," I said to them proudly.
At that, Jasper came in the doorway of my study holding his guitar and grinning. "They fell for it hook, line and sinker, Papa!" Jasper said laughing.
"Dude! You just wait. Now I hate that song!" Jake complained giving Jazz a look.
"Anytime you want me to serenade you two, you know where to find me," Jazz said. He turned and walked down the hallway strumming the guitar and singing out off-key again, "Oh I wish I was in a Dixie eeeee a eeeee! Away! Away! Aaaaaayyyy! I wish I was in a Dixie land a way ay ay down South in…"
"OH MAN! DUDE! I wish you were in Dixie too! Shut the hell up!" Emmett said opening his door and throwing a shoe at Jazz.
"Hey, that shoe almost hit me, might have damaged my voice!" Jazz yelled out to Emmett and acting like he was hurt.
"It could only improve it! Next time it will be a boot and it won't miss! Now shut up!" Emmett yelled.
"Well!" Jasper said. "I know when I'm not wanted," Jazz said laughing and heading toward his room. We could hear Alice giggling.
"Dude, that was sheer torture!" Emmett came back.
Rosalie, Jake and I laughed at Emmett's outburst. Leave it to him!
"Jazz really can sing and play the guitar. He's quite good when he's not acting for me," I admitted to them grinning proudly that I pulled one over on them.
"Happy with yourself, I see," Jake said. "Do us and everyone else a favor, buy the kid another guitar string," Jake said.
Esme called Jake to come down for supper.
"Well, this should taste just dandy with that soap appetizer you gave me Daddy Vamp. What a day, all I did was kiss my sister and I get a bar of soap shoved in my mouth and almost had my hearing damaged by a wailing guitar and its owner murdering an old folk song! Yep, another thrilling day in Cullenland!" Jake moaned.
"You had it coming, young man," I reminded him.
"Enjoy the sloppy joes! Hope you don't burp soap bubbles," Rose teased him.
"You'd love that, sis!" Jake said giving her a smirk.
"Yes I would! Dad, can I have another bar of that soap to grate over the top of his food?" Rose teased.
"JASPER! You need to do another chorus!" I called out to Jazz.
"Coming Papa," Jazz yelled and began strumming the wounded guitar again.
"Get out of the way," Jake said shoving Rose to the side and running out of the study.
"Hey, ladies first," Rose said pulling him back and getting in front of him.
"Yeah, well when a lady comes in, she can go first," Jake said shoving her to the side again, "Get out of the way, he's coming," Jake said hearing Jasper's strumming.
"Okay, just this once, I'll give, come on…" Rose said as they both took off down the stairs...
The Next Morning:
I came downstairs and was running just a little behind and I kissed Esme goodbye and said hello and goodbye to my brood who were either in the kitchen or living room. I raced out to my car and opened the garage door and backed out. I drove down the drive and came to the main road and turned out to head for the hospital. I turned the radio on to listen to the classical music station and was given a morning treat. Blaring out of my speakers was Jasper choking out those two songs, "Home on the Range" and "Dixie". Yep, it was just as bad as yesterday. I tried to change stations, but those sneaky, clever children somehow rigged a CD to play instead. It sounded like it was coming from the trunk. I tried turning the radio off but it did nothing. The songs were still blaring out full blast! Somehow they fixed it so that turning the radio on, engaged the CD player, but wouldn't turn it off. Leave it to the kids these days!
I pulled over and got out and opened the trunk ready to disable this racket but when I opened the trunk, there was no CD player and no CD. I could still hear the music. Those little snots somehow stuck the CD player under my car, which I could not get to without getting my clothes dirty! Not only that, but the CD played itself over and over again! This has Emmett written all over it. He's the one who usually installs the sound systems with Rosalie's expert help. I stood there and cursed myself for getting tricked by my clever little foursome. All I could do was grin and bear it all the way to the hospital. With our sensitive hearing, I couldn't even block it out. Only turning the car off would stop the sound from accosting me. The day went by and finally it was time to go home. I started the car and was greeted to that horrid singing again. I had forgotten about it throughout the day. I had to endure it all the way home. Arriving in my garage, I turned the car off and made my way into the kitchen. As I entered, Esme who was trying to hide her grin, greeted me. I put my bag down and turned toward the living room and walked to the stairs and stopped and put my hands on my hips as I faced the funny foursome who were laughing their heads off at me.
"Proud of yourselves?" I asked glaring at them.
"Yes we are Daddy Vamp! You had it coming!" Jake said as they all burst out laughing. The others came out from the downstairs study. Seth wasn't home yet, but Leah, Edward, Bella and Alice came out to join their siblings.
"They really got you didn't they dad?" Edward said clapping me on the shoulder.
"Smart alecs!" I said walking up the stairs.
"Wait Papa," Jasper said. I turned around to see what he wanted. "Here, we had Edward record one of his piano compositions on this disc for you. We thought you could go to your study and lay on the couch and let it calm you down," Jazz said holding out the CD.
"Why thank you. That was very thoughtful of you. What is the piece, Edward?" I asked.
"I recorded DeBussy's "Clair de lune" Dad. I know it's one of your favorites," Edward said.
"I appreciate that son. Looking to the others, I said, "Okay, you redeemed yourselves!"
"Whew! I thought we were all gonna get it," Emmett said acting like he was wiping his forehead.
I walked into my study and put the CD in my player and lay down on my couch with my arm over my eyes to try to relax. Edward's beautiful and graceful number began playing and soothing my nerves. I was wishing I could drift off and take a nap, but that wish didn't last long. Blasting out from the speakers at an ear-shattering volume, was yodeling music! I was so startled, I yelled out and fell off the couch! It was like being in the Swiss Alps.
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Pops fell off the couch! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Emmett shouted laughing his butt off. He heard the thud from my fall.
I couldn't get to the CD player fast enough. I pushed 'Stop' and the yodeling songs still blasted out loudly. They rigged another CD player in here somewhere and I couldn't take the time to look for it since it was so loud. All I wanted to do was get out of the room away from this racket. I then opened my study door and went to the railing and looked at those 4 little saboteurs and the others were all openly howling and laughing!
"Jacob, Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper!" I said as I started down the stairs.
"Uh oh!" The four of them exclaimed. They got up and hurried to the front door.
"Hey Papa, I can yodel and play my guitar for you!" Jazz said picking up his guitar by the door where the four of them had stopped to look back at me.
"HERE I COME!" I said as I flashed toward them. They flashed out the door and took off and I was hot on their tails!
To Be Continued…
Please Review!
A/N: If anyone is into yodeling, sorry for the jab...it's just vampires can't seem to tolerate the yodeling with their sensitive ears!