I was re-learning to fight with a knife when I decided to break free. It wasn't really breaking free because I had to bring Audrey with me and it wasn't really a good idea, but more on that later.
I felt important again, strapping that knife onto my waist as I listened to words of warning and advice from my mother and eldest brother. They were so worried about me but for the first time since the explosion I felt like I could be on the top of the world. I was floating on self-importance because they'd actually let me go. It was childish, I know, but I hadn't thought they'd acquiesce.
"C'mon, Sport," Audrey had teased me, grabbing the back of my jacket and dragging me toward the airship. He'd have had to lead me to it anyway but he was trying to bring my confidence back down to a healthy level by humiliating me. It worked but it also ticked me off royally. I cursed him as only a sailor can every inch of the way to the vessel but once we reached the all important flying vehicle, I faltered.
I stood in the doorway of my worst nightmare, which blended with my sweetest dreams in a way I could only describe as grotesque. Yes, I was frightened. I wouldn't have admitted it as I stood there, literally shaking in my boots, but I was terrified out of my mind. The memories of my joys about my bird were blurred together with the thoughts of the explosion, what little of it I could remember. I'd seen photos from the news and that was more than enough to fill in the blanks.
"Aude... Audrey? You there?" I called out as one frightened of the dark and lost in a cave might. It is a more apt allusion than I can you to understand with mere words so you must trust me here.
"I'm right here, Claudie," my airsailor friend assured me with a heavy hand placed on my shoulder. The weight made it more real to me and so I could trust, if guardedly. "We don't have to go on the airship if you don't want to. There are other ways to get to Midgar you know."
"Are you kidding?" I asked, feeling more bitter than lighthearted, though that was what I aimed for. "I love flying."
"Sound more afraid of it to me." That was Tommin and I would have thrown an angry glare in his direction if I could have, but I couldn't see so I didn't bother.
"Shut it, Tommy," my mother said. I don't think she intended for me to hear but I heard more than they knew since my eyesight had been stolen. It appeared that I had to make up for the loss somehow and my other senses were willing to pick up the slack.
"So, Audrey," I said with a little more strength in my voice, much to my credit. "We going?"
"Uh-huh," Audrey replied. "This is a bit of a smaller bird than you're used to, but don' worry. You can just relax. There's nothing you can do blind, anyway. I've hired a Merc Crew to help us out on our way to the big city..."
"Merc Crew!" I nearly yelled. "You hired a Merc Crew? But- But- They're-"
"Pirates, I know," Audrey said amicably. "Don't worry. You know most of them already."
"Know?" I cried.
"Well, yeah," Audrey said, his tone sheepish. "What do you think half of ShinRa's damned air force did when they heard about what happened to you? Deserted, that's what. And where do airsailors go when they've got no work? The Merc Crews, of course. A fine lot of men."
"That means you're...?"
"Yup. An Air Merc...technically speaking, but they like to call me Cap'n..." Audrey laughed and lead me on board to introduce me to his pirate crew.
They were all kind to me, even the ones who did not know who I was. I couldn't be their captain, which was the highest level of unquestionable authority in the Air Merc system, but I could be their mascot of sorts. That was almost as important and I took the job with a measure of pride. If I could be almost as good as a captain, then I hadn't lost so much with my sight; though it was unquestionable that I had lost something.
They all seemed in awe of me and, as I learned later, they were. There had never been a woman captain like me in ShinRa's air force before. None. Now that I was blind, I thought that I'd lost all of that, but the respect still remained because I commanded it. I didn't learn about it for many years, but thinking back it does explain a lot of the Air Mercs' behaviour.
I would have enjoyed the company of those rough sailors, rough even by the standards of the air crews, much more if I hadn't known our destination. We were going to Midgar. I wanted to find Veld, despite the warnings of everyone around me. I had to let him know I was all right...for the most part, that is. I was worried, especially when Tommin, who was the first to let up, said, "Let her break her own heart. It'll be easier that way." I had a feeling they knew something I didn't and I didn't think I'd like what they knew.