When I get back to my common room, it is dark. Regulus has stayed by the fire to wait for me. I am glad to have a friend like him. Even though we have not been friends for long, somehow I know he will always be there for me, and I trust him.
"Sev?"
"Yeah, Regulus?"
"This is weird, but I feel like I've known you forever"
"I know, me too"
"You're a much better brother than Sirius ever was"
"Anybody would be a better brother than Sirius, Regulus"
When we finally go back to our dorms, it is very late. We stayed up talking far past the time that everybody else went to bed, but now that it is time to go to sleep, my brain is still working overtime. I lie in bed for what feels like hours, mulling everything over in my head until finally sleep pulls me in. I dream of Lily, and of Regulus, and of my mother. I am following Lily through the woods by my house in Cokeworth. Every time I get close to her, she slips farther away. At some point, I am joined by Regulus. He does not speak- he just follows me, copying every step I take. Soon, Lily stops by the edge of the woods. Her family is just outside in the clearing having a picnic. Lily slowly turns around, but when I see her face, I halt. On her face is the angriest expression I have ever seen. She puts out her hand, pushing me away. When I look into the clearing, her whole family is looking back at me with the same angry expression. Lady growls at me, and Mr. Evans speaks with the voice of my father. I stumble backwards. My mother catches me. When I look around at her, her face is contorted into an expression of terror, "Run" she whispers, then disappears.
I wake with a start- it is still dark, but the sheets are tangled around me. I untangle myself, walk to the bathroom, and stare at myself in the mirror, just to make sure I haven't turned into him yet. Skin almost translucent, nose a little hooked, eyes a little too big, cheekbones jutting out, and hair overlong- I am still a boy. I look like a younger version of my father. Maybe if I keep eating less I'll never look like him. But then again- I step on the scale. 5 foot 4 and 95 pounds. I've grown a whole inch since last term ended! Almost 100 pounds, they did this to me at St. Mungo's. I am afraid of 100 pounds. If I'm 100 pounds, then nobody will pay attention to me anymore. I have to lose more weight, I can't get fat. If I gain too much weight, then I'll start growing up and looking like my father and that just can't happen. But then again, I want to catch up to my friends. I don't want to be a child forever. All of my friends are growing up, even Regulus. Turning back to face the full length mirror, I take in my body- I look like a skeleton. My head seems too big for my body, my stringy legs are too long while my bony torso is too short. I look like a spider. Hips and ribs jutting out from underneath milk white skin, spine like marbles, and elbows sharp, I hate myself. No wonder they tell me to gain weight- it is so that they do not have to look at me. Maybe if I were dead, then they wouldn't have to look at me anymore. I take one of Clarence's razors and put it to my wrist, imagining cutting it open and bleeding out- just dying right there on the bathroom floor. After having a silent argument with myself over whether or not to do it, I go back to bed. If my mum knew that I was thinking about death, she would give me a piece of her mind. She, who stayed alive to take me to the hospital while I was at the brink of death so many times. She, who might not have used her magic to fend him off, but who loved me unconditionally, and felt the most guilty for the poor quality of life she had given me. She, who often starved herself so that I could eat just one cracker. If I died to get away from the pain, she would have a thing or two to say to me. I must keep eating, and I must keep fighting.
I will become strong and powerful and live the life she wanted for me, no matter what it takes. If everybody in the school now thinks I am a dark wizard, I will show them how dark I can get. I'll show them the Severus who murdered his father, the Severus who will hex and curse anybody who gets in his way. I will show them who I am, for I am no longer afraid of anything or anyone. I am strong. I am powerful. I am fearless.