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Olivia cut him off by pressing her lips against his.

The kiss lasted all of three seconds. His lips were soft and he had kissed her back of course. It was a small kiss on the lips.

She released his face from her hands and backed away slowly as soon as she realized what she'd done. Her eyes were open wide and her pupils were dilated. Olivia's breathing was labored and her mouth was slightly hanging open in shock at what she'd done. She hadn't planned the kiss, it'd just happened.

Olivia Benson was panicking. And Elliot knew it.

"Liv…" He called to her gently.

She had slowly backed into the arm of the couch and put her hands behind herself, bracing herself on the couch to keep her balance.

"I… umm…" Olivia was having trouble forming a sentence. Her face was turning red and her breathing continued to get more and more difficult.

Elliot slowly got up and cautiously made his way over to her, keeping his eyes locked on hers the entire time.

"Olivia," He called out to her. Elliot knew what was happening. He'd seen this before.

Her knees buckled and she hit the ground before he could catch her.

"El… I… I can't… breathe…" She said in a panicked voice as she started gasping for breath.

He crouched down in front of her, still not touching her.

"You're having a panic attack." Elliot told her as calmly as he could even though it was killing him to see her go through this. "You've gotta breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth… come on, do it with me." He instructed her as he demonstrated the breathing technique.

"I… I can't…" She told him as she continued to panic. Her back was against the side of the couch and she was grateful for that because if it wasn't, she wasn't sure she'd be able to sit up.

"Yes, you can." Elliot told her firmly. He grabbed her hands in his own in an attempt to comfort her. "This is only temporary, Liv. It'll pass in a few seconds." He told her confidently. It was clear he'd dealt with panic attacks before.

Olivia continued to focus on him and try to control her breathing.

"You did nothing wrong. Everything is okay." Elliot tried to calm her. "You're gonna be fine, it's gonna pass…" He said as he maintained eye contact. Her eyes were already filling with water out of fear.

After a few more seconds of them breathing together, her breaths started to even out slowly and her heartrate began to calm down.

Once she had her bearings, she leaned her head back against the couch and closed her eyes tightly as she continued her breathing exercises.

"Fuck…" She whispered after a few moments, when she was calm enough to be okay and have her breath back.

"You okay now?" He asked cautiously as he sat on the floor in front of her.

She nodded and grabbed the bottom of her shirt to wipe her tears away.

Elliot gave her a small smile but she sighed and drew her legs up to her chest, ducking her face into her knees and wrapping her arms around her legs. She'd kissed him, she'd actually kissed Elliot and now she just wanted to crawl under a rock and hide.

He sat in front of her Indian style, waiting patiently. His elbows rested on his knees as he used his hands to fidget with a string on his pants.

"Do you want me to make you some more tea?" He asked lightly, knowing her NYPD cup in the window seal only had a small bit left in it and that it was cold by now.

"No…" Came her muffled voice.

Elliot licked his lips and nodded even though she couldn't see him.

He scooted around to her right side, sitting against the couch as well.

"I'll sit here with you all day but I gotta tell you…" He stated. "I'm not as young as I used to be and my back's gonna end up killing me…" He was smiling at his next statement. "And you're no spring chicken either… so…." That did it. She lifted her head and looked at him with her right eyebrow cocked up.

"Excuse me?" She asked him even though a small smile was playing on her lips.

Elliot stood up and her eyes followed him.

"We're getting too old for this, Liv…" He told her with a smile as he extended his right hand out to her. "Let's move it to the couch, yeah?" Elliot asked.

He was only half kidding. He'd said some of that stuff to get her stirred up. Sassy and insulted Olivia Benson was better than panicky and freaked out Olivia Benson. But in reality, they really would regret it later if they spent all afternoon on the floor.

She huffed and grabbed his hand, then grabbed onto the couch arm with her other hand in an attempt to get herself off the floor. Then they heard both of her knees pop. Elliot shot her a playful look that said "I told you so" and she rolled her eyes at him.

Elliot sat in the middle of her couch and she made sure to sit as far to the left as possible but he wasn't having it.

"Nah…" He said with a smile on his face, grabbing her right hand with his left and giving it light tug as he nodded his head in his direction, signaling that he wanted her to sit beside him.

She bit her lip but complied, moving to sit directly beside him, their legs were barely touching. It was like she was afraid to be near him now that she'd kissed him. She'd gone past one of the barriers that she'd been so afraid of, the barrier that she wouldn't let herself go past even when he'd separated from Kathy.

He put his left arm behind her shoulders, giving her left shoulder a light push in his direction. Olivia sighed as she complied to his request again even though she wanted it just as much as he did, and she snuggled up closer to him, laying her head on his left shoulder and she even went a step further as to hook her left arm around his waist.

Elliot fully wrapped his left arm around her now, lightly rubbing her left shoulder.

"Elliot…" She started in a tiny voice, using his full name.

"I know… you're freaking out…" He said. "Don't psych yourself out about it, Liv. It was only a kiss…" Elliot told her calmly.

"We kissed…" She whispered. "Us… Benson and Stabler…" Olivia said as she snuggled closer into him and his arm tightened around her.

"No… Olivia and Elliot." He corrected her. "We haven't been Benson and Stabler for a long time, Liv."

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to wrap her mind around what she'd done. She hadn't meant to, it just happened. Their conversation had gotten very heavy and the sudden urge to kiss him had overcome her.

"I didn't mean to…" Olivia said in a small voice. "It just… it just happened…" She tried to explain.

"You better not be trying to apologize…" He hummed to her in a low tone, almost as if it was a warning.

She remained quiet as her left hand toyed with the rim of his shirt by his waist. She was at a loss for words. Olivia didn't know what to say. A million things were going through her mind.

Elliot hadn't minded the kiss. In fact, he liked it and he wouldn't mind another one but he was worried what it'd do to Olivia. Their first kiss had just given her a panic attack after all.

"You scared me…" She whispered to him, trying to continue their conversation. She wanted to talk about it but then again, she didn't. It was complicated but she knew it was a conversation that needed to be had.

"I know and I'm sorry. I never meant to do that to you." He leaned down and gently kissed the top of her head.

Olivia sat up slowly and Elliot's arm fell away from her back. If she was asking for space, he'd give it to her. She put her legs up under her, sitting on her feet with her hands in her lap as she faced him.

"I'm going to tell you this now because it revolves around what you just told me." Olivia explained. "Then, we're going to move on to a lighter topic because I've had enough serious talk for today." It was true. She'd talked more about Lewis to Elliot today than she had ever done before. And then she'd ended it with a kiss. What the hell.

Elliot nodded in agreement, curious to hear what she had to say.

She took a deep breath and he considered reaching out for her hand but then thought against it.

"Only Fin knows this." She told him and he tried not to be hurt by her telling Fin things and not him. She had Fin at her side when he had left her and Elliot would just have to learn to accept that Fin was one of her 'go to' people.

"When Lewis had me the first time, I was on meth, you know…" Olivia began and Elliot nodded. "The high was great… it was amazing actually. I can honestly tell you I look at drug addicts in a different way now…" Elliot pressed his lips together tightly and laced his hands together in his lap, praying to God that she wasn't about to confess to doing meth behind his back.

"The high was good, but the low… the coming down… it was a bad trip." She was trying to tell him how she felt when she was on drugs but she was also embarrassed about it. Elliot nodded in understanding anyways though. He'd seen enough drug addicts to know what they're like when they come down from a high. He'd seen several bad reactions when he'd been a street cop before he got to SVU.

"What I'm trying to tell you is… I wanted to kill myself when I was with Lewis the first time." Which was oddly ironic since the second time Olivia was with Lewis was the actual time that she'd been raped. Yet, wanting to die had never crossed her mind. Not wanting to die however, had crossed her mind several times during Russian roulette. Especially since it would have left Amelia alone with Lewis.

Elliot closed his eyes tightly and leaned his head back against the couch. It hurt him to hear this just as much as it'd hurt her to hear him insinuate that he'd wanted to kill himself after Jenna.

"Hey…" Olivia called out to him, reaching out with both of her hands and grabbing his left hand. "I need you to stay with me for this…" She told him. Elliot raised his head and opened his eyes, looking at her.

"I'm here, I'm with you." He promised her. They'd been through a lot today and he was just tired.

Olivia huffed. Elliot gave her hand an encouraging squeeze.

"Anyways…" She said, deciding to make her story shorter just to get it over with. "If I had gotten my hands on my gun, I probably wouldn't be here now…" She told him, her head bowing in shame.

Elliot's left hand stayed clasped in her hands as he used his right one to lift her chin, making her look at him.

"I understand." He told her calmly.

"What?" She asked with a confused look. There was no way he could possibly understand her wanting to kill herself. She didn't even understand it because it would have been wrong. Sure, she wasn't in a good place now but she was going to work through it, or at least that's how she felt about life right now. Tomorrow, she could wake up not wanting to even get out of bed. Mood swings after a sexual assault were a bitch.

Elliot shrugged his shoulders. "I get it… he was torturing you, you were on a mixture of vodka and meth…" He tried to explain his line of thinking. "I understand, Liv."

She shook her head at him. "You act like you're okay with it…" Olivia stated cautiously.

Now it was his turn to shake his head. "I'm not, I never will be…" Elliot huffed. "I'll never be okay with any of the stuff that that son-of-a-bitch did to you… but I do accept that it's part of your life. It happened and now it's a part of who you are." He told her gazing into her eyes with a small smile. "All of this shit happened and we can't ignore it, Olivia."

She huffed and glanced around the room so she didn't have to look at him.

"I'm a mess…" She said in a small voice.

"You're my mess." Elliot counter argued almost fiercely. "And I wouldn't have it any other way."

Olivia's head snapped back to him upon his statement. She cocked her head to the side and just took him in. His facial expression, his strong posture, his fiery eyes.

She bit her bottom lip again.

"I didn't want to start anything between us until I was healed and over this Lewis stuff…" Olivia told him.

Elliot's left hand gently tugged her own until she was closer to him, right next to him with their bodies touching.

"We've already started something…" He told her with another smile. He couldn't help but smile. He was happy because Olivia Benson was sitting beside him and she'd kissed him earlier.

Olivia sighed, closing her eyes briefly. "Amanda said the same thing…"

Elliot nodded. He was happy Olivia had actually had some 'girl talk' with the blonde and that their lunch hadn't entirely consisted of them talking about Olivia and Amanda's assaults.

"And you know how it goes." He told her. "You'll never be over the assault. You just have to learn to live with it and manage the PTSD."

She'd known it and so had he. In fact, Olivia had said the same thing to one of their sexual assault victims several months after the incident at Sealview had happened. There was a man raping women but he'd drugged them so none of them actually remembered the rape. Olivia hadn't wanted to talk to the woman because she thought it would be better for the victim to not remember but Elliot had disagreed.

They'd had one of their famous 'Benson and Stabler' fights over it and Olivia ended up telling the woman that she'd been sexually assaulted as well. The woman had asked Olivia how she got over it but Olivia had to confess that she'd never be over it, she'd just learn to live with it.

It was a sad truth that all victims of sexual assault faced.

"I know…" Olivia agreed with him, knowing he was right.

"But I'm gonna be right here the whole way." Elliot offered to her. "And as far as 'us' goes… it's at your pace. You control 'us', Liv… I'll never take that away from you." He promised her.

She nodded, accepting what he was saying. He was giving her control, free rein to movie this relationship at her own pace if she even wanted to do the whole 'relationship' thing right now.

"About you and your… the suicidal stuff…" She began, wanting to get this out before they ended their conversation and began moving on to lighter things. "It's okay, you don't have to tell me now or talk about it but, in the future… if you ever feel comfortable telling me, I'd be honored to hear your story of what happened after Jenna…" He'd talked about Jenna when he'd first come back into her life but it wasn't until now that she realized he'd only told her a small portion of what truly happened. Then, when Elliot had taken her out to lunch after court, she'd been more interested in hearing what happened between him and Kathy. Olivia hadn't asked much about the Jenna aftermath but now she would be more sensitive to it because it was clear that he'd gone through something much deeper than she had anticipated.

He gave her a lopsided smile and squeezed her hand.

"I'll tell you one day, I promise. Just not now."

She smiled back. Her heart was warm because he trusted her and she trusted him. He was her saving grace. She'd known that for a while but Olivia was only just now beginning to realize that she was his saving grace too.

They both could go for a nap but it was too late in the afternoon for that. If they napped now, they'd never get much sleep tonight.

"So…" Olivia started. "I'm calling Dr. Lindstrom's office first thing in the morning to make an appointment." She told him.

"Good." Elliot replied.

"But until then… Chinese take-out and Netflix?" She asked.

"Isn't it just called 'Netflix and chill' nowadays?" He asked. "That's what Dickie calls it anyways."

Olivia busted out laughing which caused Elliot to smile because her laughter was always contagious.

"What?" He asked, still smiling at her.

"El, how often does Dickie say he's "Netflix and Chilling" at your apartment?" She asked.

"Just about every damn time he's there. I swear that kid watches more TV now than he did when he was an actual kid." Elliot said with an unimpressed look on his face.

Olivia was laughing again though.

Elliot finally seemed to catch on.

"It doesn't mean what I think it does, does it?" He asked slowly, wondering if he actually wanted to know what it meant or not.

She shook her head.

"Okay, what's it mean?" He asked in a sigh.

"It's code for sex, El." She told him, almost laughing again. "I guess Dickie really does use your bachelor pad as a fuck pad…"

His eyes went wide.

"Oh hell no… I'm gonna kick his ass…" He said lowly.

"No, you won't." She told him carefully, with a small smile. "He's a young man in his twenties who didn't knock up his high school girlfriend. Give him room to grow, El." Olivia told him, reminding him that Dickie wasn't him in any way, shape, or form.

"You're seriously okay with that?" He asked, a bit taken aback.

"If you don't want him using your apartment while you're here with me, that's fine. But don't condemn him for having sex. If he's being careful and safe, and upfront with the girls about it just being sex, then he's doing nothing wrong." She gave Elliot a knowing look. He knew she was right. Elliot couldn't even get mad at his son for having premarital sex because he'd done the same, many times now and he'd do it again.

"Besides…" Olivia started. "He probably thinks you're shacked up with me over here anyways…"

"Liv…" He said gently. It was a sobering moment for both of them. His kids knew he was staying with Olivia. Maureen and Kathleen were the understanding ones. There's no telling what the twins thought and all Eli knew was that dad was helping out a friend.

"And you let them think that." She told him.

"What?" He asked in disbelief. "You want them to think we're fucking? And that that's why I'm over here?"

"I don't want them to know about the assault, the second one anyways. Maureen and Kathleen are different, they know I'm not okay but the twins are a big younger, they're only twenty-one, El. Let them think what they want for now. If they start asking questions, we'll handle it then."

Elliot had to give Olivia props. He hadn't even thought about what his kids would think. Dickie had accused Olivia of sleeping with Elliot when Dickie was being interrogated by her at fifteen years old due to his friend Shane. Wow, Dickie probably did think his dad was banging Sergeant Benson.

"Okay, whatever you want." He agreed.

"And you need to spend some time with Eli this weekend. You haven't seen him in over a week." Olivia told him. All the sudden she was becoming mother hen.

"I saw him after my therapy appointment today…" Elliot said matter-of-factly.

She gave him a stern look. "You need to spend time with him. Not just an hour or so. Kick Dickie out of the bachelor pad for the weekend and keep Eli like you normally would."

Elliot made a face.

"I wish you wouldn't call it my bachelor pad. That's not what it is." He explained.

"It was though…" She told him lightly.

"The redhead's gone, Liv… there's only a brunette now." He said, giving her a small smile. She felt herself blush at his words.

"Get Eli this weekend." She said, getting back on topic. "I'll be fine."

"You sure?" He asked worriedly. Elliot didn't like her spending the entire weekend by herself even if the weekend was still a couple days away.

"I'll be fine. I have other people I can call if I need someone with me." She gave him a reassuring smile. "Spend the weekend with your son."

Elliot nodded. "Alright."

Thoughts?