A/N: Hello faithful readers! So yes, Christmas is a while away and was a couple of months ago, but it's recently snowed here in England...it made me feel Charistmassy :D
There are lots of exciting things coming up in 'The Girl Left Behind' and 'Didn't Want That' by naturerocs, some of which will be slightly more adult. Difficult topics and relationships will be explored. I'll add a warning for any younger readers when these events occur.
Now on with the story...
Chapter 34 - Fears of Christmas Past
"Want to help me with party planning? Get out of this gloomy flat for five minutes?!" I asked Angie enthusiastically. She'd been so sad recently, it had been eating me up.
"Sure, I guess." Sighed Angie, lacking any motivation.
"Come on, no moping. It's nearly Christmas. Also I don't want to get eaten by Russ's giant snake." I said with a smile, but with a tinge of genuine fear. I really didn't want death by snake.
"He's not that bad. And I already told you, I just don't feel like celebrating that much." Moped Angie.
"It won't be a proper Christmas without you." I pouted, pulling out the puppy dog eyes.
"Well, thanks." Said Angie, grinning at my expression. Her smile faltered as she spoke.
"It's also weird that it's also Jim's birthday party, considering we're not even friends."
"We never really celebrate his birthday as it's so close to Christmas, there will cake that's all. It's more about Christmas and spending quality time with family and friends. You'll be my last bit of sanity before I have to spend four days with Jim's very weird family." I prodded. I really wanted her to come.
"Yeah, family and friends, both our parents won't be there, for different reason of course, John won't be there...so we've got each other and Russ. Well, you've got Jim and Mycroft..." Angie's voice tailed off, Sherlock was the only name missing. I took Angie's hand in mine.
"Okay so we're scattered and it's not perfect, but we'll still have fun." I said gently with a smile. "I have a surprise for you too." I added, trying to get another smile.
"I'm assuming you're talking about my Christmas present." I got a flicker of excitement. I couldn't wait to give Angie her gift.
"Yeah!" I exclaimed. I stood up. "Now want to help me buy the mountain of food required to feed thirty people."
"Sure, I'm here to help. Not like I've got anything better to do." Said Angie half-heartedly. At least she was leaving the flat. We walked the short distance to the supermarket. Angie sighed I looked at her quizzically.
"Sorry, I'll stop complaining." She apologised.
"It's fine sweetie. You get to choose your favourite food and everyone else can just deal with it." I smirked.
"Fried chicken and roast potatoes aren't exactly Christmassy. Roast chicken's good enough. Besides, it's your party." Said Angie glumly. She hadn't realised I was serious, what she wanted she got.
"You're wish is my command." I said.
"Like I said, it's your party." She replied.
"You're my guest of honour." I pushed. She didn't realise it, but she always was. I would do anything to make her happy. She was my best friend; she meant so much to me. The only person I cared for more was Jim.
"Oh, sure. Seriously, please do not bring too much attention to me." Replied Angie sardonically. I grinned at her.
"I won't, but you get exactly what you want. Remember, rarely does anyone argue with Moriarty's wife" I said, and it was true.
"I've argued with you plenty of times, before and after you were Moriarty's wife." Smirked Angie.
"You're special though." I answered. "I suppose I should warn you there will be some...clients...of Jim's at the party."
"If I can deal with Moriarty himself, and Moran, I can deal with anyone. Moran isn't going to be there, though, is he?" Asked Angie. I winced internally at her question. I didn't want him at the party either.
"Possibly. He and Jim have made friends." I said cautiously.
"How?! Jim's alright with him after almost breaking your wrist, and Moran's okay with him after Jim broke his arm?!" Exclaimed Angie with quiet anger so not to draw unwanted attention to us.
"I know, I know!" I agreed. I didn't understand why they were friends either, but they had reconciled for the moment. "Seb is being surprisingly well behaved at the moment. Although, he's staying away from me which is nice."
"Lucky you." Sniped Angie.
"Yes, well he tried to talk to me without permission and found a gun pointed at him. Is he still bugging you?" I replied flippantly.
"Well...I haven't seen him since we last saw him, but...he keeps texting me." She answered hesitantly.
"Really?!" I asked, concerned by this piece of news. I'd have to tell Jim about it.
"Yeah. Just stupid normal stuff, you'd never think he was an assassin from seeing them. Somehow it makes it more aggravating." Sighed Angie.
"He always was a bit odd." I agreed.
"Well, it's not exactly who I want to be getting texts from."
"Agreed."
We lapsed into an easy quiet as we got various item on my list. We turned down the next aisle that was filled with lots of Christmas decorations in all colours. Ni matter how it was marketed to me; I would never have a pink Christmas.
"Do you think green and red or purple and gold for a colour scheme, perhaps Green and silver?" I asked.
"I think green and red looks cheesy and is overdone. I always liked the white and gold Christmas stuff." Suggested Angie. It gave me an idea.
"I hadn't thought of white and gold, I like it. Nice choice!" I agreed. Getting all excited as I pulled various things off the shelves to decorate. This was going to be a task and a half.
"Thanks. You know what I just realised? Supposedly the world's gonna end on Friday, so not only is it a Christmas party and a birthday party, it can also be an end-of-the-world party." I laughed at Angie's words.
"It can, and when we wake up on the 22nd, we can cheer that the Doctor saved us all!" I squealed getting excited. "I might make survival bags for the apocalypse….Oh and if the world ends then I don't have to spend four days with Jim's family!" I really liked this potential apocalypse.
"You don't have to clean up, either." Added Angie, grinning at my excitement.
"That is a good point." I nodded. I thought Angie might have a plan to help me escape my psychotic in-laws. They were awful.
"Can you please save me from going away somehow? I mean New Year will be great, Dublin is great fun, but his family are...horrendous. He dislikes them, he only goes to keep his Mum company, she's lovely. His Dad's family are vile." I admitted as we queued to pay.
"Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree...sorry, um...I don't know. If I think of something, I'll let you know." Said Angie quietly.
"I'm sure it has some part to play, his Dad just gets inside your head and torments you. He disapproves of me. He doesn't know we're married, that will be fun news to share." I said with a groan. "Anyway, happy thoughts!" I said with a fake smile. I paid for the shopping, gulping a little at the price tag. I still wasn't used to having so much money.
"He disapproves of you...does he know what his son does for a living?!" Asked Angie shocked.
"Not to my knowledge. I don't meet his standards. I'm not appropriate for marriage. Oh, I don't know, I just nod." I said exasperated.
"That is absolute rubbish." Defended Angie.
"I know that's why we got married regardless. His Dad I can handle it's his creepy Uncle." I answered.
"Well, no family's complete without the creepy uncle." Replied Angie with a smile, trying to lighten the mood.
"No, apparently not. Shall we get this lot home?" I asked changing the subject.
"Yeah." Nodded Angie. "In my family, its Russ' dad. He is so weird, just like Russ, but with him, you can never tell when he's serious and when he's joking. And he won't tell you. You just have to guess."
We picked up the bags and left the store. In reality it was only a ten-minute walk back to 221b and another five minutes to mine, but the sheer amount of bags we had called for a taxi. We arrived back at my house quickly.
"I'm sorry to drag you round and moan. If you want to head back, I can manage." I said, feeling bad. I had meant to cheer Angie up, not moan about petty things to her.
"No, I'm fine. You've put up with plenty of my complaining. Really, I'm fine." Answered Angie with a kind smile. I smiled back.
"Okay then you won't mind helping me decorate?!" I smiled looking at the bags and then at Angie.
"Of course not!"
"Good, I wouldn't trust anyone else with the job. I need my partner in crime!" I laughed.
"Hey, I'm not in crime anymore, remember? I switched sides." Admonished Angie.
"Well I'm the grey area, one foot in each camp. Being bad sometimes is fun!" I grinned. Thinking of some of the good times I had had with Jim, the odd case of breaking and entering.
"If you say so..." Angie said, sounding unsure.
"I seem to remember you were the worse out us both, you used to think up the pranks to play on Harry, I just joined in. You influenced me long before Jim ever did."
"Hey, no, that's not how it was, we were fighting evil back then, we were on the good side. Like Batman, he seems bad, but he's actually good. Is that why you call me Batgirl?" She defended.
"Pretty much!" I laughed. We unpacked the bags of decorations, after I put the food away. I came back into the living room.
"I just realised, we have so many nicknames, don't we?" Asked Angie.
"We really do. My personal favourite, or should I say most original, is Smurf-Girl. What's yours?" I smiled thinking of the first time I met Jim.
"Hmm...I don't really have a favourite. Most of them annoy me." She admitted.
"Like Angel?! Haha! Sorry." I teased.
"I hate that. And 'the humanitarian', that's what Sherlock called me. Then Jesse would always call me something he knew was something to do with British, his personal favourites were Pride and Prejudice or Sense and Sensibility." I laughed at her words her nicknames really were awful.
"Really?! You are very empathetic and you do like to help people, but that is a weird nickname. Book titles for nicknames?! I'm sorry; I'll just stick to Sweetie!" I smiled at Angie.
"I'll start calling you River Song." Grinned Angie.
"That's fine!" I smirked.
"Just don't tell Jim, he gets jealous of the Doctor!" I said with a wink. Angie rolled her eyes at me.
"So who would I be? You're always saying I act like your mother, so does that mean I'm Amy?" She asked.
"Oh yes! Fiery and caring."
"Does that mean Sherlock is technically my Dad?!" I laughed and then cringed. "Oh that is wrong."
"Uh...he is nothing like Rory. Sherlock wouldn't wait outside a box for 2,000 years he wouldn't last two minutes. He'd get bored." Shrugged Angie.
"I don't know, he can be very loyal and stubborn. Which is very Rory." I replied, I still hoped they'd eventually get back together; they were good for each other. Sherlock kept Angie fighting and Angie kept Sherlock human. "John is more like Rory." I Angie.
"Hey, whoa, don't even go there..." Cautioned Angie. I understood why. "I just realised what I said!" I laughed as Angie shuddered.
"Mycroft is U.N.I.T." Declared Angie.
"He so is!" I agreed.
"Jim is the Master. Sherlock is a Cyberman." I suggested.
"Thanks...I'd say I was Sally Sparrow, but she ended up with a comic book shop owner. Then again, if Jesse hadn't been in the CIA, I could see him owning a comic book store. I'd bet Mrs. Hudson would be Sarah Jane when she was younger. And Toby's K-9." I smiled at our obsession. We really did watch and talk about Dr. Who a lot. It was a fun escape from reality.
"That is very true. I do see you in the TARDIS though." I admitted.
"I'd say Martha, but then she married Mickey...Although, I could change that to Jack...
"I think you're probably like Donna, the Doctor's best friend, feisty and caring. Donna and Jack worked well!"
"I am, I just don't remember. Granddad was a lot like Wilf. I miss him." Said Angie sadly. We stopped decorating, I put my arms round Angie.
"He was." I agreed.
"I remember how he used to slip me a caramel before dinner. He was so sweet.
"He was lovely."
"It'd be nice to have him to talk to now."
"What about your Dad? He was always a good listener."
"I think Granddad would have been a little more understanding while listening to me cry over how my ex-boyfriend turned out to be a hitman. Dad would have more of a problem... and then Granddad would probably turn around and make jokes about it."
"That's true." I smiled. My phone suddenly broke the silence "Sorry let me just take this call, its the movers." I stepped out of room. The movers told me they'd be here at ten the next morning. I came back in with a smile.
"Arranging to get the piano moved."
"Oh, so you can play it at the party?" Asked
"Yep, I am the entertainment. I don't quite know how I'll cook and play the piano, but I'm sure I'll manage."
"Well, I'll help with the cooking. Or I'll be the guest musician in between the star." Offered Angie.
"Only if you want to. I want you to relax and enjoy the party." I said, waving off her offer. "Anyway you need to mingle, you never know who might meet at these things!"
"No, it's fine. I don't mind cooking. Besides, if Moran is there, it'll be an excuse to get away from him."
"Who would I need to meet? Please don't tell me you're going to try to match me up with some guy...
"Okay, it's more serving than cooking. We'll see how it goes." I smiled coyly. "I wonder if Jim picked up the champagne? I wonder where he is; I thought he was going to be home all day." I wondered aloud. "Not set you up, get you some work? Although there is a girl coming who I think Russ will like. She's a sweet girl, but crazy about animals."
"Well, he'll like that. Percy, I appreciate it, but I don't need your help finding work."
"No pressure, just keep an open mind, not everyone is an evil mastermind trying it take over the world." I offered.
"I know that, but I'm also done being a spy. People have a very warped view of private detectives; they think they can hire us to spy on people." Sniped Angie. I was confused by her words.
"Yeah it is odd, just ask Mycroft for that! Someone once asked Jim to do that, it was amusing." I said absently. Trying to decide which candles I preferred.
"Funny, Jim once asked me to do that." Piped up Angie.
"Really?! Spy on who?!" I asked, confused.
"I don't know; I didn't stick around long enough to find out. He was probably just doing it to bug me." The blood started pounding in my ears, I had never understood what happened between Angie and Jim, and I always brushed it off. It was one of those insecurities I could never quash.
"I still can't believe you two dated." I blurted out.
"It wasn't even that. It was getting coffee a few times." Angie replied.
"I'm just teasing Ang." I lied, before I could stop myself, I said. "When was it?" I put my hand over my mouth. I had to stop.
"Sorry. I'm being stupid. Ignore me." I rushed. Turning away from Angie. I closed my eyes suppressing the tears that wanted to fall.
"No, it's fine. Uh, last year, after Sherlock 'died', and Jim went on his little tormenting spree, he was bored without his little playmate to torment." Her words didn't make sense to me.
"Oh right. I thought it was before then." I said quietly. My mind was reeling trying to piece dates together.
"Nope."
"Oh." Was all I could say? I thought about that time, how hard everything had been, how broken everything had been. My heart rate quickened, my chest tightened painfully, I took a deep breath, letting the pain pass.
"Explains why he was so distant. I moved out and back home not long after that." I admitted.
"Oh. Yeah, that was only a few months before we came to Brecon. Wow, has it really been that long?" Asked Angie, she seemed surprised by how much time had passed.
"Yep." I replied quietly. I heard the front door open and the sound of clinking. Jim came into the living room.
"Percy? I've got the champagne. What's the matter?" Asked Jim, he hugged me in greeting. I felt a shiver run down my spine.
"Great, thanks. Oh nothing." I dismissed.
"Sure?" He asked, searching my eyes for the problem.
"Yep. We can talk about it later."
"Maybe I'd better be going." Mumbled Angie. I kept my eyes on Jim's.
"Alright. See you later. I'll put the boxes in the kitchen." He said to Angie.
"Yeah maybe. See you Friday. Thanks for your help." I said as we walked towards the front door.
"It's nothing." I barely heard Angie's words, or noticed that she's left.
After Angie left I finished decorating in silence. I organised the kitchen ready for the party and made some food. I didn't eat it. I sat quietly with Jim. He kept glancing at me warily. He was used to me not eating, but my silence was concerning him. I cleared up after dinner and went to find a silent space to hide. I felt like I was on autopilot. Just going through the motions.
I sat in my favourite brooding spot, the bay window in the library. I sat with my knees pulled up to my chest, arms wrapped round my knees and head resting on my arms, I watched the fast pace of London pass me by. I let my thoughts drift in and out like the traffic and people. My biggest fear was that I wasn't good enough. I was just a substitute for something lacking in someone else's life. My engagement and wedding rings caught the orange glow of the streetlights; I felt a moment of confidence roll through me before it was extinguished again. Angie had always been my idol growing up. She got perfect grades and didn't need to rebel to be noticed. Looking back, running away was escaping my insecurities, or perhaps making them worse?
I don't know how long I sat there, eventually I heard the library door open, light flooded into the room. Jim stood in the doorway; he slowly walked over to me. He perched on the edge of the window seat.
"Hey, you alright? You've been kind of quiet all night." Asked Jim.
"I don't know." I replied sadly. I really wasn't sure. If he admitted he'd like Angie, that he had romantic feelings for her, I didn't know what I'd do.
"What's wrong?" He asked again. I thought about so many things before I had the courage to answer.
"I'm scared." I replied quietly, my voice small.
"Scared of what? There's nothing to be scared of." Jim said confused.
"You...and...Angie..." I stuttered.
"What? What about her?" Jim asked, again confused.
"I know she's attractive and clever and funny. I understand, I do. I can see why you liked her." I blurted. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, what? Where is this all coming from?"
"You da..dated her." I stuttered.
"Oh, that? We met for coffee a few times, that's all. I had been planning on using her to get to Sherlock, but she was a little too busy to let me in too much, so I broke that off and used Molly. It wasn't anything, it was just part of the game."
"Did she mean anything to you? Did Molly?" I asked my insecurities still reigning over my mind.
"No, of course not. I promise, it was just to get to Sherlock, nothing more."
"When we were growing up, I wanted to be just like Angie, I never could be, she was so perfect. I've never been perfect the adopted orphan and teenage drug addict. The freak." I spat, all my self-loathing coming to a head. Jim looked at me sharply, his eyes filled with hurt at my words. Jim took my hands in his.
"Stop that now, come on. You are not a freak. You're amazing, brilliant, and beautiful. You're a thousand times better than Angie. And if you hadn't been adopted, you wouldn't have met her, you wouldn't have your best friend. We might have never met. I wouldn't want you one bit different from who you are." My eyes filled with tears at his words. They were like a salve to my heart. They made everything right again.
"Oh. Sorry, I over-reacted." I said meekly.
"It's fine. I know you've been under a lot of stress lately." He said kissing me gently. I gave him a small smile.
"I guess." I replied. "I'm worrying about everything at the moment. You're much wiser than anyone knows." I told him, looking deep into his eyes. I trusted him with my heart and soul.
"Come on, it's late and you've not had enough sleep this week." I nodded. Jim took my hand in his and helped me up. We walked hand in had up to our room and quietly got ready for bed.
We lay in bed, my head resting on Jim's chest. He had his arms around me, holding me close.
"Feeling better?" He asked.
"A bit. I know I've been crazy recently." I said.
"It's alright love, you put up with my crazy too." I smiled and kissed his shoulder.
"I'm sort of dreading Christmas, visiting your family, it's always an experience." I admitted quietly.
"You'll be fine." He reassured.
"With your Mum yes. You're Dad hates me and you're very creepy Uncle with his wandering hands." I shuddered at the thought of Jim's leachy Uncles. I had a sudden thought and sat up.
"They don't know we're married." I felt a bit sick now. His Father's family had always disapproved of me. I wasn't Irish or Catholic. I was too young, I couldn't have children, I was too independent, too opinionated, too educated. The list ran on and on. The irony was Jim didn't believe in any of it, he left home at seventeen.
"I'll stay by your side, and as for my dad, just ignore him. It's my life, I get to marry whoever I want. Which I did." He said firmly. He placed a tender and loving kiss on my lips.
"I'm glad I married you too, wouldn't swap you for anything. You're Dad is going to be very angry. I'm worried about you."
"I'm fine. I deal with the most dangerous people in the world. I am one of the most dangerous men in the world. I can handle my dad."
"Darling, I don't doubt your reputation or your ability to deal with the idiots who decide to challenge you, but you're Dad, he gets into your head. I know why you moved away, he's a monster."
"Where do you think I learned it from? And I think it's safe to say that the pupil has surpassed the teacher."
"I don't want him to hurt you, again. If he so much as lays a finger on you..."
"I'll be fine, trust me. Mum won't let him do anything, anyway, especially during the holidays. She's got a surprisingly strong hold on him."
"You Moriarty's need a strong woman to keep you in line. I never want to lose you. My own stupidity nearly made it a reality. You are the most precious thing in my heart and life."
"It won't happen again. We'll be fine."
"I shouldn't doubt you. We've always been strongest together." I said. Jim smiled. I stretched up and kissed him. "Good night my love."
"Good night. Sleep well sweetheart." Jim turned out the light and we fell into a peaceful sleep.
If anyone were to see the young couple together, their close relationship was obvious. It was love, all encompassing, and soul deep. It was, is sickening. Sebastian Moran stood in the dawn light, disgusted by the sight before him. She had been stolen from him; she was his. He could wait, he would wait for the right moment, and then they would both burn. He smirked, glancing once more at his Princess and slipping away into the shadows.