Chapter Thirty-Six: Lock
"Please don't be mad at me." She cried as she looked up at him with watery eyes. "Please." She begged.
He shook his head. "I won't be, just tell me what's going on."
"I'm scared I'm not going to be a good mother to this baby." She said as she placed her hand on her stomach. "I'm scared to have five children because I don't know how I'm going to make them all feel loved and cared for because I'm struggling with the four we have now. I don't know how I'm going to be able to survive after Sam and Jack leave for college because they help out so much and I don't think they realize how much I appreciate everything they do. How am I going to be able to care for a newborn and get Ryan and Emma dressed, ready, fed and off to school on my own so I can get to work? What if this baby doesn't feel loved because I spend so much of my time with the other kids? What if he or she doesn't speak to me or look at me like Emma does?" She paused to wipe her eyes. "And then I got to thinking that there's a reason I was told I wouldn't be able to get pregnant and that's because I'm a bad mother, I mean look at my relationship with Emma. She's been with us for months and she still refuses to come near me and I've tried so hard with her. I didn't want this child to hate me like Emma does…so I did things I knew I shouldn't have done."
Julian furrowed his brow. "What are you trying to say, Brooke?"
"I don't know if I want this baby."
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He dropped her hand. "Were you purposefully trying to compromise the pregnancy?"
"I don't know." She shrugged. "There are times when I feel so blessed to be pregnant but then there are times when I really doubt myself and my abilities to be a good mother—"
"Stop it." Julian said forcefully as he sat down on the bed and placed his hands on either side of her face, forcing her to look at him. "I'm not letting you do this to yourself. At first you doubted your ability to care for Sam but you have done one hell of a job with her, Brooke. Then there was Jack and you weren't sure if you'd be able to help, guide and love him as much as you love Sam but you do. The same goes for Emma and Ryan. You have so much love inside of you to give that this baby is going to feel more love than he or she knows what to do with." He tucked a stray hair behind her ear. "I know how stressed you've been lately with everything going on but you need to make time for yourself especially now that our baby is depending on you." He wrapped his arms around her and carefully laid down beside her in the small hospital bed. "I'm always going to be here for you, Brooke. Always." He whispered against her head.
"I know." She nodded.
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"I shouldn't have asked her to make my dress." Jess shook her head. "I sent her over the edge. She's so busy working on the new line and I completely disregarded that and told her she had to make my dress. I—"
"Stop." Lucas interrupted. "You didn't cause this to happen. Something was wrong with the baby long before you said anything about making the dress. Things like this happen, Jess, for no reason." He patted her knee and gave her a reassuring smile.
She nodded. "Do you think she lost the baby?"
Lucas shrugged. "Do you?"
"Yeah." She nodded. "And I can't stop thinking that I caused it."
"Caused what?" Lucas squinted as he turned to look at her.
"The miscarriage, stress causes them, Luke." She said matter-of-factly.
"And so do a number of other things." He argued. "You didn't cause this to happen and for all we know, Julian is in there right now with her and they're listening to the heartbeat because the doctor told them the baby's just fine."
Jess sighed and leaned back in the chair. "What would you do if we lost our baby? What if I had a miscarriage?" She placed her hand on her growing belly.
"I'd make sure you were okay, I'd tell you we'd get through this because we would, and we'd try again."
She looked up at him. "You wouldn't cry?"
"I would," He paused. "Just not in front of you."
"Why not?" She furrowed her brow.
"Because I wouldn't want you to see me like that, you'd already be a mess and one of us needs to remain strong to hold everything together." He straightened his posture. "Why are we talking about this?"
She shrugged. "I was just thinking what if the roles were reversed? What if I had been the one to collapse tonight? How would that have made you feel?"
"Helpless." Lucas answered honestly. "Watching Brooke fall to the floor and Julian jumping out of his chair to try and catch her was heartbreaking. Listening to him trying to talk to her on the way here and tell her that everything was going to be fine made me sick because I know how badly they want this because I want it just as badly with you and I'd be devastated if it was all taken away from me in the blink of an eye. I guarantee you this morning Brooke didn't wake up and say, 'today's the day I'm going to lose my baby.' That's the scariest part of it all, you never know what's going to happen and everything can change in a matter of seconds. I don't want anything to change, Jess. I like my life the way it is right now."
"I do too." She said softly as she rested her head on his shoulder and snuggled up beside him.
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He woke first and carefully slid out of the bed. He knew everyone was waiting for him to find out what had happened and he felt bad for falling asleep but she had needed him. As he stepped into the hallway, he tried to wipe the sleep from his eyes.
"Julian!" Jess exclaimed as she jumped to her feet when she saw him emerge. "What happened? How is she? What about the baby?"
"She and the baby are okay. She was in the beginning stage of a miscarriage. There's still a possibility we could lose the baby if she's not careful so she's going to have to take it easy for the next couple of weeks while she gets her strength back." He explained.
"Why'd she faint?" Lucas asked.
Julian shrugged. "They don't know." He lied. "She's sleeping now so if you guys want to go home, get some rest and come back tomorrow since there's really no use in you sitting around here all night in uncomfortable waiting room chairs."
"What are you going to do with the kids?" Jess asked as she motioned over to Sam, Jack, Ryan and Emma watching TV on the other side of the room. "It's getting late and it's a school night."
"I'll see if they want to go home and if not I don't see a problem in them staying here for the night with me." Julian shrugged.
"Haley offered to bring them home when she left a few minutes ago but they refused so I don't think they're going to want to leave." Lucas told him.
"Haley left?"
Lucas nodded. "Nathan couldn't find Sarah's teddy bear and she can't sleep without it."
Julian smiled. "Figures."
Jess leaned in to hug her brother and Lucas did the same. "Call us if anything changes." Jess instructed. "Even if it's at two in the morning, I want to know."
Julian nodded. "You'll be the first person I'll call."
"I called mom and dad." Jess said softly as she looked down at her feet before looking at Julian. "I figured they should know."
"What'd they say?"
"Not too much. They were really busy."
"They always are." Julian scoffed.
"Don't be like that." Jess begged.
"Like what?" He cried. "They practically disowned me from the time I turned eighteen. The only reason I came back to work for dad was because the business was struggling. I'm the reason his production company is what it is today and he refuses to acknowledge that. They didn't even come to my wedding, Jess. My wedding. But I'm sure they'll make it a priority to be at yours because they've always liked you better. You're the twin who can do no wrong. We both know that if you were the one in trouble they'd hop on the next flight to be by your side but when it's me they could care less."
"They care about you." Jess argued. "Joann knows she should have stepped in more often and not have let dad treat you the way he did. She knows that, Julian and she feels terrible. You know dad's always had a hard time showing his feelings so you can't hold that against him because that's the way he's always been. And you can't blame this all on them. They've realized how wrong they were in the past but you refuse to put it behind you and move on. You're being childish, Julian¸ so they're not the only ones to blame." Jess turned and left Julian standing in the middle of the hospital waiting room speechless.
"Daddy, can I see mommy now?" Ryan pulled on Julian's pants pulling him out of his trance. "Daddy?"
"Yeah buddy?"
"Can I see mommy now?"
"She's sleeping right now, but if you want to be really quiet we can go in there." He said as he bent down to pick Ryan up.
"Can't we wake her up? I need to tell her what Sam said to me."
"Mommy needs her rest; she needs to sleep so the baby can get strong." Julian answered. "What did Sam say?"
Ryan remained silent for a few seconds, contemplating if he should tell Julian before he decided to. "She said I don't belong in this family."
"She said that to you?" He asked in disbelief.
Ryan nodded. "I told her she didn't make the macaroni as good as mommy and then she said it. I cried."
"You most definitely belong in this family, Ryan." Julian assured him. "You were meant to be my son just like I was meant to be your dad, okay? Don't ever doubt that we love you or that you belong because you do."
Ryan nodded. "I know. Jack told me the same thing."
"I'm going to go and tell Jack and Sam that I'm going to take you in to see mommy and then we'll go." He said as he made his way over to where his other kids were sitting watching TV. "Hey, guys."
Jack, Sam and Emma turned to see Julian. "Hi." Jack greeted. "How's she doing?"
"She and the baby are just fine, she's sleeping right now but Ryan really wants to see her so I'm going to bring him in for a little bit."
"Can we come in?" Sam asked.
Julian hesitated. "We have to be really quiet; I don't want her to wake up because she really needs to rest."
All the kids nodded. They started to head toward Brooke's room when Emma stopped in front of Jack and raised her arms signaling she wanted him to pick her up. Julian stopped suddenly in front of Brooke's door and turned to face his kids. "Mommy might look a little different but don't be scared."
Sam eyed Julian. "Different how?"
"She's really pale from the amount of blood she lost earlier. Her color's supposed to return within the next day or so." Julian replied as he opened the door. "Quiet, remember."
Emma squirmed to get out of Jack's arms and he let her down only to watch her rush to the edge of Brooke's bed. Julian tensed fearing Emma would wake Brooke up but Jack stopped him from intervening by placing his hand on Julian's forearm and shaking his head.
"She looks like a ghost." Ryan whispered.
Emma nodded her head in agreement as she stared at Brooke. In that moment, Julian wished he could be inside her little head to know what she was thinking. He needed to know what had happened before they had adopted Emma, he needed to know why she refused to be close to Brooke. He saw how much of an effect it had on Brooke; she nearly compromised their miracle pregnancy because she was terrified their child would be like Emma. He needed to know what had happened in her life before she became part of their family.
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Emma and Ryan had grown bored of being quiet after a little while of being in the room with Brooke. Once they realized that their mom was just going to sleep they saw no point in sitting there watching her. Jack, Sam and Emma sat watching TV in the waiting room eating chips and candy they had gotten out of the vending machine but Ryan sat by himself immersed in a Clifford book. Julian noticed him sitting all by himself when he returned from the bathroom and saw an opportunity.
"Good book?" He asked as he settled into the seat beside his son.
"I can't read it yet. I'm only in kindergarten and they're big words." Ryan said as he pointed to them. "I like the pictures."
"I do too." Julian agreed. "It's better when you make up your own story, anyway."
"That's what I do!" Ryan exclaimed. "I make up my own story to go along with the pictures! Did you do that too when you were little and couldn't read?"
He smiled. "I still do it."
"Is mommy going to be okay?" Ryan asked.
Julian nodded. "She's going to be just fine. She's just sleeping right now because she's really tired."
Ryan nodded. "Am I still going to be a big brother?"
"You are." Julian confirmed. "Can I ask you a question about something?"
"I guess." Ryan shrugged.
"Do you know why Emma is afraid of mommy? Do you know why she doesn't talk to her or let her pick her up or get close without crying?"
Ryan nodded.
"Do you think you could tell me why?"
Ryan shrugged.
"Buddy, please." He begged.
"Mommy didn't do anything wrong. It was our old mom that scared her." Ryan said softly.
"What did she do?" Julian inquired.
"My old daddy used to take me camping one weekend a month and my old mommy would stay home with Emma. Daddy said it was better that way because the boys got a weekend together doing boy things and the girls got to be girly. I feel bad that I had fun on my trips but Emma wouldn't." Ryan said as he hung his head in guilt.
"How come Emma didn't have fun with your mom?"
"You know the medicines that they made that made my house explode?" He asked
Julian nodded apprehensively.
"She'd take some and just sit in front of the TV for hours. She'd forget all about me and Emma. She was mean then too." Ryan explained.
"What did she do to Emma during those weekends you and your dad were away?"
"She locked Emma in her room with nothing for the whole time daddy and I were gone. She didn't get to use the potty or eat food or anything!" Ryan cried. "Mommy even took her favorite dollies away so she had nothing to play with either."
Julian sighed as he leaned forward and rested his head in his hands. "How do you know this happened?"
"Whenever we came home daddy had to ask mommy for the key to Emma's room and he'd unlock the door. At first she cried but she stopped doing that since mommy did it all the time. I think she got used to it."
"How come your dad didn't take her with you guys when you went camping?"
"He said that camping was a boy thing and that Emma was naughty so that's why she gets locked in her room but I know she wasn't naughty." Ryan said.
"How do you know that?"
"Emma was the goodest little sister. She did everything right."
Julian nodded as he pulled Ryan onto his lap. "She knows that she's not going to get locked in her room anymore, right?"
Ryan shrugged. "I told her not to be afraid of mommy because she's different from our other one but she's still scared I think."
"Thanks buddy. I'm really glad that you told me all this." He smiled. "Why don't you have Sam and Jack take you down to the cafeteria to get something to eat?" He suggested as he handed Ryan a twenty dollar bill.
"Like a midnight snack?" Ryan's eyes lit up.
He couldn't help but laugh. "Like a midnight snack." He agreed.
"I've never stayed up until midnight before!"
Julian looked down at his watch to see it was a little before ten-thirty. "Well you have now." He grinned. Ryan ran over to Sam, Jack and Emma as Julian walked toward them. Emma reached up for Julian to hold her the moment she saw him.
"Don't you want to come get some food?" Sam asked Emma who shook her head.
"We'll get some food later." Julian told them. "I'm going to take Emma into Brooke's room for a little while."
Sam nodded and reached for Ryan's hand but he refused to take it, instead, he reached for Jack's and spit his tongue out at Sam. "I'm still mad at you." He said.
Julian shook his head at their antics before heading toward the room while his three kids headed toward the cafeteria.
"Why are we going to see mommy again?" Emma asked softly.
"I just wanted to sit with her for a little bit, don't you think she'd like it if she woke up and saw your pretty face smiling back at her?"
Emma shrugged as Julian opened the door.
"Hey beautiful," Julian greeted when he saw Brooke was awake. "What are you doing up?"
"I don't sleep very well without you beside me." She shrugged. "Hi baby girl."
"Can you say hi to mommy?" Julian asked Emma as he sat down in the chair beside Brooke's bed with Emma on his lap.
Emma shook her head.
"You don't have to be afraid of her, you know." He said as he reached for Brooke's hand. "She's not mean or scary. She's not going to hurt to you."
Brooke eyed Julian suspiciously. She knew that he knew something she didn't but she was planning on playing along if it got Emma to open up to her.
"She might." Emma whispered, avoiding eye contact with Brooke.
Julian shook his head. "No matter what you do, mommy is always going to love you. She's not going to get mad and take your dollies away. She's not going to ignore you and not talk to you. She's always going to make sure you have plenty of food and she's never, ever, going to lock you in your bedroom all by yourself for days."
Emma looked up at him with a shocked expression.
"Ryan told me what your mom used to do when your dad took Ryan camping. That's never going to happen again, Emma. We love you so much that it hurts and we could never do something like that to you. You mean everything to us, just like your brother." Julian said. "You don't need to be afraid of mommy."
Emma looked at Brooke for the first time and then back at Julian. Cautiously she climbed from his lap onto the hospital bed. Julian told her to be careful, mommy was sore, so she carefully snuggled into Brooke's embrace. Brooke could feel how tense Emma's small body was but she didn't mind. She rubbed lazy circles on Emma's back until she fell asleep with her head resting on Brooke's shoulder.
"What just happened?" Brooke whispered.
"I asked Ryan why she was so distant with you. Apparently, Dennis would take Ryan camping one weekend a month and Kate would stay home with Emma. Well, while Dennis and Ryan were off having a great time, Kate was shooting up and she would lock Emma in her bedroom for the entire weekend. She didn't have anything to play with, she wasn't fed and she couldn't go to the bathroom."
Brooke shook her head as tears began to form. "How could someone do that to their child?"
Julian shrugged. "I don't know, but the good thing is is that she's with us now and she's never going to have to experience that again."
"How come she wasn't afraid of you?'
"Every Sunday when Dennis and Ryan would come home, Dennis would get the key from Kate and unlock Emma's door. I think she saw him as her savior since he was the one who always freed her from her room. She's scared of females since she associates them with her mom but I think now that we know the reason she's been so distant with you we can overcome it." Julian smiled.
Brooke nodded. "I really wish you could hold me right now, I sleep the best when you do."
Julian grinned as he got up from the chair and scooted into bed with his wife and daughter.
"Julian!" Brooke squealed, waking Emma up.
"What are you doing daddy?" She asked groggily.
"Trying to get comfortable, sorry I woke you."
"It's okay." She smiled.
"Go back to sleep, sweetheart." Brooke whispered against her head as she kissed her.
Julian finally stopped moving and somehow, all three of them fit in the hospital bed.
"I love you." Julian said before leaning in to kiss Brooke.
"I love you, too." She replied.
"I love you mommy and daddy." Emma giggled as she nestled in closer to Brooke.
"We love you too, baby girl." Brooke said as she looked at Julian with the biggest grin on her face.
Just as they were about to fall asleep there was a knock on the door. Julian eyed Brooke and before he had the chance to get up and see who was there, the door opened.
"Peyton." Brooke gasped. "What are you doing here?"
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