'Ohana means family – and family means that no one gets left behind, and no one is ever forgotten. ~Chris Sanders and Dean DeBlois, Lilo & Stitch
Sure enough, by three the next morning, I was feeling as ill as Finn. My throat burned and all of my muscles were so cramped that they felt like they had locked. In other words, I was in agony.
I had started out lying with Finn, rubbing his back and wiping his face and neck with a cool cloth. He had been appreciative and snuggled as close as possible. Since I had already known I was going to be ill, there was no point in me trying to keep away from him.
Now, with both of us being feverish, we couldn't stand to be in the same bed. Touching Finn was either like being frozen or burned alive, sometimes both within a minute of each other. I tossed Kitty in Finn's direction. "It's your turn, Cowboy."
He moaned restlessly, but struggled to his feet and into the bathroom. I closed my eyes as water ran, trying not to cry. I was in a hot phase, and I kicked the covers away. Finn came back with a cool washcloth, which he laid over my face. We had been alternating who got up to get the water and rewet the clothes, since they were quickly becoming warm and useless against our overheated bodies. This was it, I was dying. He patted my shoulder a few times and vanished back to the bathroom.
Finn returned from the bathroom and sat on the edge of my bed. "I brought you some pills." Two aspirin, damp from being in his hand, were dropped on my chest.
Had it been four hours already? I kept falling asleep and waking up, not sure how long I had been out, or even if I had slept at all. Morning, and the resulting doctor's visit, couldn't come quickly enough.
Maybe Carole won't take you. After all, she has her own son to worry about. If I were you, I would plan on getting up really early and finding your own way to the doctors.
That voice was wrong. Of course Carole didn't love me as much as she loved Finn, but she would take me to the doctor if I needed it, just like Dad would take Finn. Right? Had to be.
"This fucking sucks." Finn was whining softly as he thrashed around on the bed, trying to find a position that didn't hurt. As much as I hated whining in general, I understood exactly where he was coming from. My blurry eyes found the clock. 6:52 in the morning. I knew doctors, and the earliest possible time we could be seen was 9. There was no way I was going to make it.
"I'm sorry I got you sick." It was a miserable whisper. "I didn't mean to."
Finn always thought that everything was his fault. I would like to blame Rachel for that, or Quinn, or even the Wrights, but Finn had been like this for as long as I had known him. Either something had happened to him when he was younger, or it was just his personality.
Normally, I would have tried to comfort him, but I was feeling too badly to even try. For once, Finn was just going to have to struggle through on his own.
I slept for a while, and, when I woke up, Finn's bed was empty. I pushed up to look at the bathroom, but he wasn't there either. "Finn?"
No answer. Where was he?
With a supreme force of will, I staggered to my feet and up the stairs. Dad was coming through the kitchen, already dressed for work. He took one look at me and physically recoiled. "Carole? Come here and look at Kurt! I think he's sick." He was getting that panicky look he always got when there was something wrong with me and he had no idea what to do about it. On average, I saw that look 15 times a month, more during the school year.
She called from the living room. "Burt, you knew he was sick, Finn said so. Give me a minute."
I wanted some water, but the thought of asking for it, and the resultant pain it would cause me made me shudder. Carole popped into the room, pressing a cool, efficient hand against my forehead. "Oh, honey. What else hurts?"
I leaned into her touch, grateful for something against my hot skin. "My throat, and my head, and everything else. But mostly my throat."
"Same as Finn, then. I called in a favor and Finn's pediatrician, who is also one of my coworkers, is going to squeeze both of you in at 9. Come on lay down with Finn until then. Have you been taking anything for the fever?"
I was so surprised by her take charge tone that I numbly let her lead me into the living room, where Finn was set up on one of our two couches. Dad would have dithered and flapped his hands and either ended up taking me to the ER or leaving me to find my own way to the doctors. Then again, this was a woman who was used to running triage in a bustling ER. Two feverish teenagers wasn't much trouble.
By the time five minutes has passed, I was on the other couch with a blanket, cup of crushed ice, and the television remote, snatched neatly from Finn's hand. He gave a soft mumble of protest, but it seemed to be more a matter of form then anything else. Carole stroked his cheek once and he put his head back down with a pitiful sigh.
I couldn't tell if the sudden rolling of my stomach was illness or jut plain jealousy.
"Both of you try and get some rest. Finn, be nice and let Kurt watch whatever he wants. You've had the TV for an hour already."
So Finn had been up here for a while, then. The two couches were set at right angles, to facilitate the flow of energy in the room, so my head rested just a few inches from Finn's. "You could have woken me up if you were coming upstairs."
Only his eyes moved when he looked in my direction. "You were asleep." His voice was heavy and flat.
"Hence the 'woken me up' part of my statement." Illness always brought out the worst of my bitchiness. Why did Finn have to be so difficult?
"She's my mother." The emphasis was very slight, but it was there. "Mine. Not yours. She takes care of me."
If he had thrown a tantrum, or even raised his voice, I might have brushed it off. But he was making a serious claim on Carole, telling me that I was not longer welcome. That there was mine, and there was his, and some things would never, maybe could never, be equally shared.
That's fair. After all, this is Kurt's house, and Kurt's room, and Kurt's father, and Kurt's car. Look at it from Finn's point of view. He has no home, no space of his own, no father, no best friend. Everything that was his, including his rights to his own body, is gone now. Is it that bad that he just wants it to be Finn's Mom and no one else's?
Maybe it was fair. But I didn't feel like dealing in fair right now. I wanted Carole to make a fuss over me, too, and she was proving that she was willing to do that. "I share Dad with you; you can share your mother with me."
He blinked darkly at me. "Keep him." Then he turned on his side, his body away from me. To him, this conversation was over.
"Finn?" He didn't look over, but his shoulder did twitch, so I knew he was listening to me. "I still love you."
The silence stretched on for so long that I didn't think he was going to reply at all. The he huffed. "You, too."
Not huge, but a start. I flipped around until I found a rerun of The Price is Right. "How about this?"
He didn't even look. "Ok. Sorry I was a jerk. I can share Mom, I promise."
'Can' didn't mean 'will' or 'want to', but I did appreciate the sentiment behind it. "Thank you, Finn."
He reached over the arm of his couch, his hand wavering uncertainly until I took it. His skin was hot and dry against mine, but I held on. No matter what, we would have each other.
Carole saw our joined hands when she came to tell us to get dressed 45 minutes later, but said nothing about it. "Come on boys, Alexander won't wait forever. Get dressed and let's go."
I had to lean on Finn as we went down the stairs, but he didn't complain. Any pressure on my skin made me twitch, so I slid into a loose pair of jeans. Yeah, I know, I can't believe I have any loose fitting jeans either. These must be left over from the beginning of last year, when I didn't have the same...let's call them standards, of dress that I used to.
Does it bother you that clothing you wore over two years ago still fits? You're going to be short your entire life.
At this point, I didn't even care. I slipped into a clean pajama top, which was the loosest top I owned. It was plain red, and no one was going to be able to tell what it actually was. Finn, the huge cretin, just pulled a hoodie on over his pajamas. I didn't have the strength to argue with him, though. No one was going to notice what he was wearing.
Every moment may be an opportunity for fashion, but even I was willing to make an exception for hospitals.
Luckily, Carole's been a nurse for a very long time, and she knows all of the doctors in the hospital, so we were able to bypass the ER and get right to an exam room. Good thing, because Finn was tense and wary, his hands clenched tightly together in his lap.
There were three small chairs in the room, along with the paper covered exam table. Carole sat in the middle and Finn and I each took a side. He laid his head on her shoulder and, feeling guilty even as I did so, I pressed against her other side. Maybe Finn and I would never be equal when it came to her love, but couldn't I at least have something? She kissed the top of my head. "It'll be alright."
"Hey, Carole, Finn. And who do we have here?" An older man entered the room, clipboard in hand. So this must be Alexander.
"Hey, Alex. This is Kurt, my boyfriend's son, and, of course, you know Finn. Thank you so much for squeezing the boys in. Kurt, Finn, this is Dr. Holmes." She pointed in the direction of the exam table. Finn pressed back against his chair, which meant I was the one who had to get up and do it. Just like always.
I was aware of the three pairs of eyes that were locked on me as I slipped my shirt off for the exam. Yeah, because having my boyfriend, my boyfriend's mother and some strange man staring at my scrawny pale chest wasn't embarrassing at all. A thermometer was popped into my mouth while the doctor listened to my heart. "Everything sounds good here."
He made a quick check of my eyes and ears, pronouncing both normal, but my temperature at nearly 101. "Open your mouth, please." When he shined his light down my throat, he gave a quick whistle. "Ouch. Looks like you have nasty infection in there."
It felt like I did, too. Dr. Holmes turned back to the sink and pulled out a large swab. "I'm going to do a quick strep test here; just one minute and it will be over."
True to his word, he swabbed the back of my throat quickly, but I gagged anyway. It hurt and I was just ready to go home and die now.
Self pity is a bad look for you. Plus, you might want to do something about that sensitive gag reflex. Finn isn't going to want to be with a boy who can't suck cock.
Right at the moment, I didn't care who Finn wanted to be with. Nor did I have even the slightest idea how I would work on my gag reflex, anyway. The doctor signaled me off the table. "The quick test should take about an hour to run. Finn, you're up."
I slid off the table as Finn climbed up, stripping his shirt off so he could go through the same procedure I had. His fever was higher then mine, but otherwise everything was identical. Clear eyes, clear ears, strong heart, incredibly inflamed throat.
At least it was all the same until the doctor pulled out his giant swab. Finn took one look at it and clamped his mouth shut. Dr. Holmes pulled back. "Finn, it's just a quick swab. You saw me do Kurt, and it only takes a second and doesn't hurt."
No dice. Finn just stared at him, lips pressed firmly together. Carole nodded at him. "Finn? Let him do the test, honey. You've had strep tests before."
He shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut. His bare chest was heaving, and I swore I could see the skin move as his heart pounded out of control. It was right then that it suddenly clicked home for me. It wasn't crankiness, and it wasn't stubbornness. Finn was afraid to have a rigid object, no matter how small, crammed down this throat. It reminded him too much of having Joseph's dick shoved in there. I tugged on Carole's shoulder and, once I had her attention, whispered my idea in her ear.
"Alex? Can I see you in the hall for a moment?" Her lips were doing that trembling thing that told me how badly she wanted to cry.
As soon as they were out the door, Finn yanked his shirt and jacket back on, shivering violently. "Don't let him make me. Please, he can't."
I wobbled over to the table and sat next to him. "I won't."
I wasn't quite sure how I was going to accomplish that, but there was no doubt in my mind that I could do it. Finn squeezed me in a quick hug, one I gratefully returned. "You can pick all the TV stuff, and you can have some of Mom, too."
It hurt him to say that, I could tell, so I gave him a quick squeeze to make up for it. "Just every now and then."
"I don't want to be an asshole about it, even though I kind of am. I just want to have her first." He dropped his head back and groaned. "I don't know, I'm just being dumb, I guess."
No, he was being normal. I could all too clearly remember the tantrums I had thrown when Dad paid attention to Finn in the past, most of which were worse then Finn's little snit earlier. Even now, I would be lying if I didn't say there was a mean part of me that was glad that Finn didn't want anything to do with Dad. That's not saying that I like seeing him afraid of Dad, because I don't, but it's nice not to worry that Dad's replacing me with the son he wanted in the first place.
Before I could tell him that, though, the door opened again and Carole and Dr. Holmes were back. "Finn, what we're going to do for right now is just run Kurt's test. Since you have identical symptoms, and considering the fact that there's an absolute epidemic of strep throat going around, we're going to forgo the test for you right now."
"Does that mean I don't have to do it?" It surprised me to hear him ask, since Finn talking in front of other people, especially men, is usually kind of hit or miss. Yeah, this was his doctor, but it counted for something, right?
"That's exactly what it means. Alright, you three, we should have the results in 20 minutes or so. Carole, you have the afternoon shift tomorrow, right? No one can take control of the Friday night ER like you do."
Oh, Prada in Fake Heaven, this man was flirting with her! Did he not know that she was practically a married woman? Married to my father, by the way, who was the greatest man on earth! As badly as I felt, I attempted to lunge to my feet and tell this man off. Unfortunately, all I did was make myself dizzy and have to sit back down. I was forced to settle for a steely glare.
As soon as he left the room, Finn turned around, his face a mask of horror. "Mom, that man was hitting on you!"
She gave his shoulder an affectionate rub. "Of course he was. How do you boys think I got an appointment for the two of you with only and hour and a half of notice? He's been hitting on me for years. Its fine, he's not serious."
"You're just going to let him do that?" Finn sounded shocked. "But you're dating Burt! You're almost married to him."
So Finn recognized the impending nuptials as well as I did, but, at least as far as I knew, he hadn't raised a fuss about them. Interesting.
"Honey, he knows all about it. He actually thinks it's quite funny that Alex has been chasing me for nearly 15 years and I would never give him the time of day, but all he had to do was ask once. And anyway, I'm not almost married to Burt. Why would you think that?"
"Because we're living in his house, and you're sleeping in his bed, and you always tell Kurt and I to act like good brothers and share-" I had to wince at the 'good brothers' comment, even though I was the one who insisted on not telling Carole the truth in the first place. Even though I knew that she already knew it, Finn didn't. "-and whenever you talk about the future, you always talk about him and Kurt, too, like we're really a family. That's being practically married. You should make him give you a ring, though. Get Kurt to sing you the song about it."
I could kill Britney for sharing that stupid 'Single Ladies' video with the entire glee club. Not only was everyone still laughing about it, but Finn actually had it bookmarked on YouTube. Why he felt it necessary to do so was a mystery, I never thought to ask him until he was either asleep or busy with something else.
Carole raised an eyebrow at me. "Maybe when Kurt feels better. And Finn, I'm not about to make Burt do anything. Marriage is an enormous step and we'll take it when it comes to that. I didn't think you even wanted us to get married."
He shrugged, which was the default Finn gesture when he didn't feel like continuing the conversation. Both his mother and I kept staring though, so he was eventually forced to keep going. "You might as well. If we're already making a family, then a ring is just a…uh….formal thing."
"Formality." Carole and I corrected him at the same time.
"Yeah, that. And I never said I didn't want you to get married. You just never asked." He rested his head on her shoulder, staring up at her with utter trust. "How many minutes has it been?"
She checked her phone. "Three. We have another 17 minutes."
One thing about Finn that I alternately find charming and crazy making is that he has no concept of time whatsoever. 10 minutes to him is the same as an hour, and two days from now might as well be next year. There are times when I despair of his ability to properly read a clock.
He sighed deeply. "Can I get an ice cream cone or something, then? My throat hurts."
"That's a good idea. Why don't you and Kurt stay here while I run and get you both something? Kurt? What can I get you, honey?"
Nothing. Anything. "Vanilla, I guess."
"Ok. I'll be back in a few minutes." She grabbed her purse and headed out the door.
The cafeteria was on the other side of the hospital, but I had spent enough time here during my mother's illness to know that '20 minutes or so' meant 40, minimum. Besides, this gave me an opportunity to ask Finn a few things. Another one of Finn's downfalls lately is that every conversation you have with him leads to a dozen questions, none of which I ever seem to get answered. But this time, I was going to aim for at least two of them.
"Hey, Finn? Finn!" Speaking harshly hurt my throat, but it was the only way to tear his attention off of the breast exam pamphlet he had dug up from somewhere and was now admiring with single-minded intensity.
Guiltily, he put it in the trash (though not without a last, longing look at it. Sicko.). "What?"
"Are you really alright with the thought of our parents getting married? Or were you just paying lip service to your mother?"
He leaned his head back and looked at the ceiling. While he thought, I reached out and took his hand. The skin was fever hot, his fingers tight around mine. "I don't trust your Dad. But he's never been mean to me. Sometimes he does really cool things for me, like getting me Leo and Mikey, and I think I could trust him a little. But then I think that Joseph did cool stuff for me, too, and he was still a pervert and a killer." He looked at my face and hurriedly backed up. "Not that I think your Dad is either one! It's just that….you never know."
No, you didn't. As much as it hurt me to know that someone thought Dad might be capable of inflicting the sort of injuries on someone that the Wrights had on Finn, I understood where Finn was coming from. "So, you were lying to her."
"No. Your Dad could do those things, but I don't think he will. And even though I don't trust him, you do. Mom does, too. And I trust both of you. That's how I know that it'll be ok, and that he's a good guy after all. And he treats Mom really great, like she deserves. Plus, like I told you, they're already almost married. We just missed the wedding, and weddings are pretty cool. Sometimes there's an open bar, and no one ever watches to see who's getting booze."
That was both disturbing and sweet. But it was nice to know that Finn trusted Carole and I to take care of him, and was at least able to logically understand that Dad was someone to be trusted, even if his emotions hadn't caught up with his mind.
I kind of wanted to pursue this line of inquiry, but I didn't want to lose the chance to ask my second question. "One more thing. Why do you have my 'Single Ladies' video bookmarked on YouTube?"
His smile was just big enough to cause his dimple to appear. "Well, at first because it was really, really awesome. I mean, you sounded great, and you looked really cool." He made outlined a body with his hands. "You were super sparkly."
It was kind of nice to see that someone else thought that it was a great video. Rachel had pronounced it a good first try, but really only B- material. Santana had mumbled a few unkind euphemisms for 'gay' under her breath, including one or two I had to look up because I had never heard them before, but I noticed that she hadn't been able to tear her eyes off Britany. Mr. Shue had loved it, but he loved everything we did, especially when we tried something on our own, without any of his input.
At the time, Finn had given me a big thumbs up and a huge grin. "Sweet, Dude!" I remembered his words exactly, because they were some of the few words he had spoken directly to me (they were numbers 27 and 28, and, yes, I know exactly how creepy that is, which is why he'll never find that little factoid out), and it had given me hope for something more. After all, I knew I looked good in that unitard.
It didn't end up happening that way, but Finn had thought highly enough of the performance to bookmark it, which meant that he was at least thinking of me, right?
Finn ran gentle fingers down my neck. "Now I just use it for inspiration when I'm jerking off."
The world stopped, right along with my heart. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me." He pressed his cheek against the top of my head. "I use it to put some extra money in my spank bank, I wax the weasel when watching it, I rub one out when-"
"Ok, Finn, I get it!" If I didn't stop him right now, I was pretty sure he could continue in this vein for at least an hour. Maybe far longer then that, considering how often I had heard the other boys in glee doing the exact same things, while the girls and I pretended to be disgusted but were really listening intently.
Then what he had said sunk all the way in. Did it suddenly get hot in here, or was my fever just spiking? Finn thought about me while he touched himself? Me?
You mean his boyfriend? Yeah, you. Why is this so shocking?
Let me reiterate. Finn Hudson, the boy I had been wanting since I first understood that my penis was for more then just peeing out of, was telling me that he masturbated while looking at me in a skin tight leotard. The same Finn Hudson who had done very little to indicate he had a sex drive since he came back, at least when he was awake. How could this not be shocking?
Good point. But you might want to say something, because he looks really worried right now.
He tugged on my sleeve. "Kurt? Are you mad at me? Is using her video like that really, really, wrong? Because I can stop if that's all weird."
Since we were both already sick, I kissed him on the side of the mouth. "It's not weird. But you have the real thing right here, and you can see it whenever you want."
His smile was a tiny bit worried, but not as tense as it had been even a week ago. "I'll do that."
We didn't have much to say after that, which meant it was fortunate that Carole returned with two small cups of ice cream. "Did he make it back, yet?"
Finn shook his head and reached for the treat. Normally, I would take a bite or two to be polite, then quietly pawn the rest of it off on the nearest hungry person (usually Finn), but the cold soothed the burn in my throat. I gulped as much as I could hold, grateful for the numbness that replaced the pain.
It took another 15 minutes for Dr. Holmes to come back, a pad clutched in one hand. "The quick test says that Kurt has strep throat, which means Finn probably does as well. I'm going to put both boys on a 10 day course of antibiotics, which should kick it right out. Plenty of fluids and rest and the pair of you should be feeling at least a little better by tomorrow."
"Thank you Alex, and thank you again for seeing them on such short notice. Boys?" Carole picked up our cups and pulled us to our feet.
We both mumbled our 'thank yous' even though Finns was accompanied by a rather dirty look. Interesting that, as much as he feared Dad, he didn't like the thought of some other man moving in on his mother.
To my surprise, Finn insisted on accompanying her into the pharmacy, which meant that I had to go as well. He took a detour to the candy aisle and picked up a pack of Sour Patch Kids. How could he even think about candy at a time like this?
He held out the package. "Do you want something?"
"How can you even swallow those?"
He rolled his eyes. "They aren't for right now. Every time I take a pill, I get a piece of candy.. Mom and I always do it."
"How very Mary Poppins of you." It sounded kind of rude, but I was actually a little jealous. Finn and Carole had all of these little traditions, special mother and son time, and I was the outsider.
You and your father have traditions, too, you know. And you aren't an outsider. I distinctly recall Finn just offering to include you by you getting your own treats.
With that thought, I snatched a pack of M&M's off the rack. "These."
"Cool." He took both packages and headed back to the pharmacy, where Carole was just picking up our prescriptions. She looked over at him. "One thing, Finnegan, not two."
"M&M's are for Kurt." He rubbed at his eyes tiredly and she didn't pursue the matter further. A few short card swipes later we were on our way. I leaned against Finn, feeling the fever radiating off of his skin. Despite the fact that my body must have felt as hot to him as his did to me, he hummed softly and pushed closer.
Once we arrived home, Carole tucked us both into our beds, despite my (admittedly feeble) protests that I was almost an adult and didn't need help. Finn rolled over and went to sleep immediately, his breathing going slow.
I couldn't sleep, though. Every way I turned, something was being crushed, or my sinuses felt like they were draining into my already inflamed throat, or everything just plain hurt. I tried sitting up, I tried lying down, I tried my side, my back, my stomach. Nothing was working. Frustrated, I opened my eyes and starred at the wall. I didn't have the physical or mental energy to do anything but lay her and mope.
A hand touched my back, making me jump. When I rolled over, Carole was looking at me. "Here you go." My laptop was pushed into my arms without further comment.
I stared at it like it had suddenly started doing the hula dance. "But I thought I was being punished." Wait, why did I remind her of that? I must be sicker then I thought.
"True. But I understand what it's like to be sick and just want to lie in front of the television or computer for a while. So I'm revoking your punishment for right now. When you feel better, we'll see about taking things away again."
Now I felt kind of bad for acting like such a jerk yesterday. Carole was treating me every bit as well as she was treating Finn, and, now that I had had a chance to cool off, I could see that she wasn't being that unfair. "Thank you."
"Just keep the volume low so you don't bother Finn. He's a very light sleeper when he doesn't feel well." She passed me my cell phone as well. "If you need anything, call or send me a text. I don't want you straining your throat by yelling."
"Ok." There was that shy feeling again, the one I kept getting around Carole for no apparent reason. "Can I have a Popsicle? A purple one?"
She adjusted my blanket. "Of course."
I held the phone and laptop, but didn't turn either one on. Why was it that every time I thought I had Carole figured out, she pulled a fast one on me and put me right back at square one?
Carole isn't changing in the slightest. You know what your problem is? You made a judgment on who she within 10 minutes of meeting her. She was nothing but the woman you might have to put up with in your quest to get Finn Hudson moved into your life. Done. And, ever since, you've been trying to force her into that first impression, rather then admitting you were wrong. You would be a lot happier if you were a little less rigid and judgmental.
That voice was such a raving hypocrite! What was she (and I always thought of that voice as a female. A mysterious, bitchy, unreliable, female.) doing but being judgmental and rigid right now?
Well, yeah. After all, I'm you. We have the exact same personality flaws, and the same strengths. It's just that I'm the only one who cares enough, and is brave enough, to call you on your bullshit. I'm doing it out of love for both of us.
Carole came back downstairs with a purple Popsicle in a bowl. "Here you go, Sweetie."
"Thank you." I took the treat and popped it into my mouth. The ice felt wonderful on my swollen throat.
She went over to Finn for a quick check, smoothing his hair back and causing another grumble of jealousy in my stomach. Why did Finn get to keep his Mom and I didn't get to keep mine?
Why does anything happen? You have a father and Finn doesn't. Rachel doesn't have a mother. Mercedes has both, and so does Tina. Brittany's father lives in Europe and hasn't seen her since she was four. There's a million ways to be a family, and you've already experienced three. Mom and dad, just Dad, and now Dad and Stepmom. Time will tell which one is the best.
"So, can we agree that I'm not the biggest bitch in the entire universe?" The words made me jump, my jaw dropping open. I'm sure that I looked incredibly guilty, but she had caught me completely by surprise. "I, uh, I didn't…"
"You did. Kurt, if there's one thing I recognize; it's the 'she's a bitch' face. I see it from Finn about three times a week." She sat down on the edge of the bed. "I try to treat both of you fairly, you know."
If I was being honest with myself, I did know that, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her so. Instead, I kept the Popsicle in my mouth and my eyes focused directly on her.
"It's not an easy thing to do, though. Nothing about this family got off to a very good start, I know that, and we just can't catch our balance. I want to be fair, but you and Finn are so different. Different likes, different needs, different everything. Your father thinks you need less then Finn does, which might be true. Sometimes I just think you need things more quietly then Finn does. But I do want you to understand that I'm not punishing you because I like doing it or because I hate you. I'm punishing you, and Finn, too, for being disrespectful to both me and Mr. Shuester. It's not personal. Do you understand that?"
Damn, the woman knew how to lay on the guilt. I nodded and looked down. "I'm sorry. We just wanted to know what you two thought about Finn. You never tell me anything, and I want to know. You keep saying that we're a family now and we have to be honest and trust each other, but you aren't honest with us."
That, of course, was the crux of the matter. I didn't sneak because I enjoyed doing it (ok, I did enjoy it a little. It fulfilled some deep down James Bond/Jason Bourne/Michael Samuelle fantasies that I had been having for years. But that was not the point.). I snuck because I had to know what was happening at all times. If I didn't know, that was surrendering to chaos, and I couldn't handle any more chaos in my life.
Carole sighed. "Did it ever occur to you to just ask?" Her voice wasn't nasty or sarcastic, just curious. When she made that face, I could see exactly where Finn got it from.
No, it had never occurred to me that I could just ask, even though it seemed obvious now. "I didn't know I could."
You know, this may exactly how Finn felt when he didn't think he could tell you that he had feelings for you. Things that look easy to an outsider aren't so much in the heat of the moment.
Point to the voice, but I had Carole to focus on right now. "Would you be honest if I did ask?"
"Of course I would. Family is honest, and family sticks together. Isn't that why we're in therapy three times a week?"
It was about to be four times a week. Once as a family, once for Finn alone, once for Carole alone, and, soon, once for me alone. Only Dad was spared. I chewed through the last of my Popsicle, just so I had something to do with my mouth. My extended silence would have worked on Dad, but Carole's a bit of a tougher nut to crack. She waited for months for Finn to talk; she could outwait me by a few minutes. Another few seconds dragged by, and I knew I was beaten. "I guess. Next time I'll ask and I won't talk back to you later."
I said it partially because I knew that it was exactly what she wanted to hear, but mostly because I meant it. I liked her, and I wanted her to like me back. The problem was, I wasn't exactly sure how to do that. I had never worried about whether people liked me or not before last school year. They never did, and I wasn't about to waste my time on a bunch of unwashed baboons. Even if I was desperately lonely most of the time.
But now I felt like I had at least some idea of how to make friends with someone my own age. I wasn't great at it, but I did have a few friends, and that was enough for me.
Only Carole was different. She was an adult, a mother, and I was out of my depth. Moreover, she was Finn's mother, and he had made it pretty clear that he wasn't interested in sharing her. My own Mom had just come as part of the package of being born. I hadn't had to do anything to win her over except be there.
You worry too damn much. I don't recall Carole asking you to do anything but be there, either. All you need to do is stick around and quit acting like a jerk, and she'll love you. Finn's opinion doesn't matter. She's the mother and the boss, and she will decide who to love or not love.
She stood up. "I'm going to let you get some rest. I'm going to be right upstairs if you need me, and your father should be home before I go to work, so you boys won't be left alone."
I probably should have thanked her again, but I just ducked my head and stared at the comforter. "Try and get some sleep, honey."
That was the best idea I'd heard all day.