Guest Yeah. Where would the girls be if not for Hannah.

Guest I'm glad you liked it.

Guest Thank you. I'm glad I could make your day a little more awesome. lol. Yeah, Paige is a little bit like a teenage boy when it comes to Em. However unlike most teenage boys, it's actually kind of sweet when she does it.

Guest I'm glad I could brigthen your day.

Nyxxyn They both, especially Emily, tried hard to be adult about things. And, it was a pretty bit step for Em to admit to her desires, and then back off and let Paige come to her own conclusions. Even if she did believe she knew what that conclusion would be. I'm glad that you liked the second chapter, their "first" time.

EP It took awhile, but they eventually got there.

Guest I could never be that mean. I thought about. But I wouldn'tt have been able to follow through.

Viviann I know how you feel. There's definitely not been enough Paily on the show, and I miss seeing them together.

Author's Note: Trigger warning for this chapter-there's some talk about self harm. Nothing too detailed or graphic but it comes up.

Chapter 36

"Well, I don't know about you, but I'm glad that we had this little talk," Paige said softly into the sort of sleepy silence that had settled between them.

Emily huffed a laugh against Paige's shoulder. "If that's what happens when we fight, I think we should fight more often."

Paige chuckled softly. "I think that might actually kill us. Though, what a way to go."

Emily hummed softly in agreement as she propped herself up on one elbow so she could peer down at her girlfriend.

All joking aside, Emily was glad that Paige had decided to take the day of work so they could get things settled and have a conversation that was probably long overdue.

"It's not going to cause you any problems at work, is it? Calling in so soon after taking so much time off?"

Paige's eyes fluttered open as she felt the bed shift with Emily's movements and grinned up at her, her entire face lighting up in what could only be described as childish delight and wonder. Emily felt her lips turn up in an answering smile, one that she hoped displayed the love and affection she felt for Paige, not just in the moment, but always. Though, the feelings certainly seemed to be bubbling to the surface right now. After what they had shared, she felt closer to Paige than she could have ever imagined.

She leaned down and kissed Paige softly, almost chastely, before pulling back and propping herself back up on one elbow. Paige's smile, already impossibly wide, grew even further.

Emily chuckled when she realized that Paige hadn't even heard the question. Since Paige didn't seem concerned about her absense from work, Emily wasn't going to worry about it either.

"What?"

"What, what?"

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing," Emily said with a gentle shake of her head. "I'm just...really happy right now."

She was still marveling over the events of that morning. A part of her couldn't believe what had transpired. She had had sex for the first time (that she remembered anyway) and it had been amazing. It hadn't been anything that she'd feared it would be and had been so much more than she had expected. It wasn't about the physical side of it, about feeling good, although that certainly was a major factor. There was an emotional element to it. She'd heard all about how important it was to wait for the right person and how sex changed you. But, she'd always thought that was just scare tactic. Something parents told their kids to prevent someone from accidently getting knocked up. As she'd discovered today, it was true. She felt like something had shifted, inside her. As if some chasm had opened and now everything she felt was deeper, more intense.

The other part of her was just really giddy, almost ridiculously happy and amped up and buzzed and excited. And really, really wanted to do it again. Her dreams and fantasies and experiments had not prepared her for how good it would actually feel. How amazing the whole experience was. Or how addicting the feeling would be. Even though she was sleepy and sated, she was ready to go again.

"Yeah?" Paige asked, her voice low but slightly rough.

"Yeah," Emily confirmed, confusion washing over her as she watched Paige's expression slowly morph from overjoyed to pensive, and slightly sad. "Paige?" she cupped Paige's cheek and used her thumb to wipe away the tears that slowly trickled across her skin.

Her heart jumped into her throat and her stomach dropped, suddenly feeling like it was weighed down with stones at the thought that maybe Paige wasn't as pleased about what they had done. Was she regretting her decision? Had Emily misread her intentions when she'd come upstairs?

"Sorry," Paige blinked rapidly against the tears. "Sorry. I'm just...I never thought I would get to be with you like this again." She turned wide, doleful eyes to Emily. "I tried, so hard, to be strong for you. To be what you needed but..."

"I know." Emily soothed her hand across Paige's cheek. "You were there for me, every step of the way. Even when I didn't actuall want you to be."

Paige chuckled through her tears.

"And I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you. But, I'm glad that you were able to push aside whatever hurt and pain and anger you were feeling and do it. Because, that is a huge part of why we are here, right now."

Emily had been so angry, so resentful of not just the accident but of Paige and what felt like the ton of expectation put on her to be greatful or thankful or whatever, for the devotion that Paige had shown her while she recovered. If Paige had handled the situation any differently, if she had pushed back or gotten angry or tried to fight with Emily over it, Emily knew that the course of their relationship would have gone much differently. She would have resented Paige even more and lashed out even harder and definitely would not have allowed her into her life in any capacity.

She would have denied them both the opportunity to fall back in love again.

"I fell in love with you for a second time," Emily said. "And I don't know if that's fate or destiny or just dumb luck, but it never would have happened if you hadn't been exactly who you are."

Paige shot her a watery smile, and lapsed into silence once again. Emily gave her a a few minutes to process her thoughts, but refused to let her dwell.

She raised her hand to Paige's forehead and traced her finger along the edges of the bruise that was already beginning to form. "That's going to leave a mark."

She felt bad for injuring Paige, even if it was inadvertently. But, she was also amused that Paige was no sporting a sex injury. And she wondered if she was going to cover it up, or wear it proudly. Would she make up a story of where it came from, or blush and duck her head when asked?

"That's not going to be the only one," Paige said and Emily stared at her for a moment, not comprehending. Paige smirked up at her, and then flicked her gaze down. Emily's eyes widened as realization set in. She dropped her gaze, letting it wander over Paige's body. Paige laughed when Emily gave a small gasp as she noticed the smattering of red marks that were rapidly darkening across Paige's neck and torso. There was an especially large one surrounding her left nipple. She had never given anyone a hickey before. And as she stared at them she felt a mixture of embarrassment and pride.

Emily didn't know whether to apologize, or gloat. She'd heard locker room talk about how hickies were childish and lame, but she'd also heard girls exclaiming over marking their boyfriends. And that was when she was in middle school and high school. Now she was an adult, and she had no idea how they were viewed.

Paige didn't seem concerned. In fact, she seemed kind of amused, so Emily decided not to let it bother her. It didn't stop her from being curious about them though. Unable to help herself she, lowered her hand from Paige's head to her chest and circled the bruise on her breast. Paige shiviered lightly at the touch and reached up to grasp her hand. She pulled it away and laced their fingers together, then rested their joined hands on their stomach. She felt a little thrill at the evidence of how her touch affected Paige. And also dissappointment that Paige didn't seem inclined to go again right now.

The newly formed markings also reminded her of the older ones she's felt on Paige's body. Gently she extracted her hand from Paige's grasp and let it drift down to the top of her thigh.

"Do you want to tell me about these?" she asked softly as she traced the rough edges of her skin. She had a pretty good idea of where they had come from, but she was curious as to whether or not Paige would open up about them.

"Em..."

"You don't have to. I just want you to know that if you do, you can. I'm here fo you."

"I know." Once again Paige reached for her hand and pulled it away from her body. This time she brought it to her lips and brushed a kiss across Emily's knuckles before releasing it.

It occured to Emily that they had talked extensively about her past and their past, but that Paige very rarely talked about herself. She knew very little about what Paige had been like in high-school, unless it was directly related to their relationship. She didn't know anything about her family or the friends that she'd had.

"They're from before I met you. And, I guess they're a part of the things I didn't want to tell you about while you were recovering and regaining your memories in case they scared you away. Or changed your mind about me."

"Nothing you tell me is going to change my mind about you," Emily said firmly. "I love you. You're stuck with me."

"I guess if anything should have taught me that, it would be an accident and amnesia, huh?"

"Exactly."

"I love you too."

"Flattery will get you everywhere," Emily said, giving Paige a playful smile. "But, don't use it to change the subject. If you don't want to talk about it, just tell me you don't want to talk about it. I won't press."

"It's not that I don't want to. It's just hard."

"Take your time. I'm not going anywhere." Emily thought it might be easier for Paige to open up if she wasn't staring directly at her. A lot of their more revealing conversations had taken place while they were lying together, speaking in whispers into to the room around them. So she lowered herself down to lie beside Paige, her head resting on her shoulder, her arm draped across her stomach. She splayed her hand along the curve of Paige's hips and stroked softly, hopefully soothingly.

Paige's arm circled around her waist, pulling Emily tight against her body and she let out a soft sigh of contentment as she burrowed in. Emily wans't sure if that meant she was gearing up to start talking or was simply settling in, but she kept her word and didn't press. Instead she continued her gentle stroking and let herself be lulled the the stong, steady beat of Paige's heart and her even breathing.

It felt odd that she wasn't self-conscious about her nakedness. Or, cold. But with Paige's body pressed against her own, she felt both warm and cozy and at ease. Content to just lie here quietly, if that was what Paige wanted to do. She turned her head slightly and pressed a kiss to her collarbone.

"I started towards the end of eight grade," Paige began softly, her voice a low rumble beneath Emily's ear. "I think even back then I was starting to realize I wasn't like the other girls in my class. I didn't have crushes on boys or swoon when some popular jock talked to me. And a part of me though, well it's just because these boys are my friends, y'know? I was athletic. And always got along better with the guys than the girls. So I was around them all the time, I thought nothing of it one of them asked to sit with me at lunch or borrow a pen, or whatever it was that had all the other girls in the class screetching about in the bathroom."

Emily chuckled softly, because she remembered those days. She remembered feigning interest in her friends crushes, when she really didn't understad it. But, she also remembered feeling butterflies in her stomach when a boy talked to her or smiled at her. Now, she realized that was more from the excitement of being noticed than a reciprocation of the attraction. But, she felt a little sad that Paige hadn't even gotten to experience that.

"But then, the boys started to notice the girls as well. And suddenly our lunch time basketball games or after school video game playing got taken over by talk of who was pretty or cute."

"Wait, so guys really talk about girls? The way girls talk about guys?"

"Not in exactly the same way. There's less squealing and giggling, more arm punching and "dude." But yeah, guys talk about girls. And as the guys started talking about who had grown a huge rack over spring break or hadn't worn a bra to gym class-"

"Seriously? Gross."

Paige's chest rumbled with laughter.

"And as the guys were talking about this stuff, I was sitting there realizing I was noticing the same things."

"Aww." Emily rubbed her side in sympathy. She could only imagine how scary that must have been. How tricky a situation Paige must have been in.

"And for awhile I told myself it was just the normal comparisons, y'know? Like, is she prettier than me? Is her body better than mine?"

Emily nodded, she understood perfectly because she had made the same excuses.

"But even though I didn't want to admit it, I think there was a part of me that knew it was more than that. And, it was around this time that my dad started to really get on my case. He kept going on about my grades and how high school was so much harder and if I didn't do well I wouldn't be able to take part in the Rosewood athletics program. There was just all this pressure."

Emily nodded, though she didn't really have a frame of reference for that sort of parental interference. Her parents had supported her interests but never pushed. It didn't matter if she was the strongest swimmer or the best dancer or got the highest marks in the class. As long as she tried her best they were happy.

"Then one day I accidently cut myself making a snack. Nothing major, just a knick on my finger. And as I stood there, watching the blood start to well up and then trickle down, I don't even know how to describe it. It was like a moment of calm. Or something. So the next time my dad got on my case and my head got all cloudy with thoughts about boys and crushes and girls, I took a razor and I made a cut. I started off small at first. A few shallow lines. But after awhile, it started to take deeper, longer cuts to get that same feeling."

Emily's heart ached at the thought of Paige feeling so bad about herself, so uncertain about things that she resorted such extremes. It was hard to imagine. Paige had talked a bit about how things had been difficult for her in her early teen years but Emily's had no idea it had been that bad.

"One day, I went too deep and I just kept bleeding and bleeding. I didn't think I was ever going to stop. It scared me. And I managed to stop for awhile. Then there was everything I told you about with those senior girls from swimming. It brought it all back up again. I was afraid that someone would notice the cuts though. Those swim suits really don't leave much to the imagination."

"They really don't." Emily didn't remember competing the way Paige did, but she did remember how revealing a one-piece bathing suit could be

"So, I started to find other ways. Crashing my bike or my skateboard. Bare knuckle boxing the heavy weight in the basement until my hands were split and bloodied. I got real aggressive on the field in hockey and soccer because it would usually lead to a brawl."

This image Paige was creating was so at odds with the woman who had been so strong and steady and supportive over the past few weeks. It made it hard to Emily to wrap her mind around what Paige was describing.

"So, what changed?"

"I faced the feelings that were eating me up inside. I worked at not letting the pressure my dad put on me get to me. Eventually I came out, which after the intial shock actually eased the relationship between us. I started to like who I was, I guess."

"So you don't ever feel the need to..."

"No. And I haven't for a very long time."

That was a small relief at least.

'Did I know about all this, before?"

"We talked about it some, yeah. The scars were already pretty faded, but more obvious than they are now. We had a conversation a lot like this after our first time."

"Really?"

"Yeah. You made me promise never to hurt myself again. And if I ever got the urge to call you."

"And did you?"

"Have the urge? Maybe a few times. Did I do anything about it? No."

"Did you call me?"

Paige's silence was all the answer Emily needed.

"Why not?"

"At the time, I didn't want you to see me as weak. Or pathetic. Or more drama than you could handle. So I kept it to myself. But, I was pretty much over it by that point anyway."

"I wish you had told me."

"I'm tellling you now, doesn't that count for anything?"

Emily pretended to think about it, and Paige scoffed, feigning indignation. Emily tried to hold a serious expression, but she was just too giddy, to amped up on adrenalline and emotions and it didn't take long before she dissolved into laughter. With Paige following a second later.

She wasn't trying to make light of what Paige had gone though. She knew it was a serious issue she had faced and that it took a lot for her to open up about it. But, she also knew that it wasn't something Paige would want to dwell on, or have Emily make a big deal of. And for her part, Emily hard garnered the information she had needed. Namely, that her accident hadn't caused Paige to relapse. With everything that had happened, and how much of the past they had been rehasing, it would be understandable it old feelings got drudged up, but despite how hard things had been lately, Paige seemed to be well adjust and solid. Which was a relief.

And, the revelations about her past put some other things into perspective for Emily. For one thing, it might be an explanation for how easily Paige dismissed Emily's scars. It's not that she didn't see them, or take note of them, but like her own scars, they were evidence of strength and survival.

Slowly, they sobered, the mood slipping into an odd, sort of sombre feel, which didn't really fit with how momentous the day had been.

"I know it had to have been hard for you, sharing that," Emlily said, snuggling into Paige's side. "But thank you, for trusting me with it.. I love you."

"I love you too." Paige turned her head, and met her lips with a soft, sweet kiss, which Emily pulled back from with a contented sigh, and settled her head back against Paige's shoulder.

She must have fallen asleep, because the next thing she was aware of was that she was lying on her back, with a blanket pulled up over her, the thin, but warm fleece falling just below her breasts. On instinct, she tugged the material up to cover herself, a blush burning its way across her cheeks and down her neck at the thought of exposing herself to the room while sleeping. It was one thing to be naked in front of Paige in the heat of passion, or in the soft, snuggly moments afterwards. But to lie naked and fall asleep beneath the sheets, well there was a vulnerability in that position that Emily wasn't sure she was ready for.

As she pulled the material up, concealing her nakedness, Paige tutted softly in disappointment from her place beside her. Startled by the sound, Emily glanced over.

"It's a shame to cover up such beauty," she said, shaking her head. "Almost a sin, really."

She saw that Paige was still in bed with her, propped up against the headboard by a couple of pillows, her laptop open across her knees. She also saw that Paige was wearing a t-shirt. More of a jersesy really. It was several sizes too big, the collar slipped off one shoulder and it's hem fell almost to her knees.

"Well, that's a bit of the pot calling the kettle black now isn't it?" Emily rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and ran a hand through her hair, which probably looked like a rast nest at this point. Sex-mussed and bed-head, as alluring as that sounded probably did not look quite as appealing.

"There's beauty, and then there's art." Paige waved her hand at first herself then at Emily to indicate which of them was which.

"You are such a dork." Emily pushed herself into a sitting position, pulling the sheet up with her, despite the sounds of disapointment that rumbled low in Paige's throat. "Have you always been this cheesy, or is this a new development? Is this what sex does to you? Because if it is, fair warning, I'm probably never going to sleep with you again."

Paige scoffed. "As if you could possibly resist all this." She waved a hand up and down her body in emphasis.

Paige was right, not that Emily was going to admit that to her.

"What time is it?" she asked, ignoring Paige's declaration as she tried to peek around her to the clock on the bedside table.

"A little after two."

"Really? Wow." Emily had slept a lot longer than she realized. Although, she supposed it was much needed rest. Between the restless night and the day's excitement and activity, she'd been pretty low on reserves.

"Guess you were pretty worn out." The leering grin on Paige's face told Emily exactly what Paige thought had worn her out, and how she felt about it.

"What are you doing?" she asked, again ignoring Paige's comments.

"Just catching up on some paperwork. A bit of light reading." She snapped the laptop closed and placed it on the bedside table.

"Don't stop on my account."

"I was pretty much done anyway. And besides, I'm hungry. Are you hungry? What do you say I go downstairs and make us some breakfast in bed?" Paige was already climbing out of bed before she'd even gotten an answer.

"It's the middle of the afternoon."

"Okay, so a late lunch in bed. "

Emily was hungry. After breakfast she'd felt like she could never possibly eat again but that feeling had long faded. "Lunch sounds good," she said, sitting up even further, preparing to swing her legs around and stand up.

"No, stay there. Let me bring it up to you. It's the first time I haven't had to rush off right after a meal and I want to do it proper."

Emily thought about protesting, about telling Paige that it was unneccessary. That she didn't need to be served in bed, and that she was perfectly content to sit in the kitchen and watch Paige prepare the meal and then eat downstairs with her. But, it was kind of romantic. And, Paige seemed so gung-ho about it. And, she was pretty comfortable lying here.

"Okay, fine," she agreed with a sigh, as if making the concession was something of a burden. If the grin that flashed across Paige's features were any indication, she saw right though it.

"What are you in the mood for?"

"Surprise me?"

"Got it. Prepare to be amazed." Paige leaned in to give her a quick peck and then spun and made her way out of the room. Emily was mildy disappointed that she wouldn't get to watch her working in the kitchen in that jersey, but the view of her walking away in it made up for the loss.