Tonks knew what to expect when she heard the knock at the front door. Earlier that day, there had been a gathering for the Order, and she had behaved rather poorly before storming out of the meeting. The fact that they were knocking here, at her parents' house, meant they must have finally figured out what was going on. She hadn't been very subtle about it while she had been shouting at everyone.

It was only a matter of time, she supposed. Remus' departure couldn't be kept secret from the rest of the Order forever. Still, she did not motion for the door. Tonks remained in her curled position on the couch and only too late did she consider hollering for her mother not to answer it either. Andromeda was already by the entryway, opening the door wide for her guests.

"Molly, Kingsley, what a… surprise," Andromeda said, sounding incredibly confused. "Dora, I think you have company."

Tonks figured she could handle Molly. The woman probably just wanted to give her a hug and some warm tea. But Kingsley… It had been Kingsley she yelled at. As the interim leader of the Order, he had been asking her why Remus hadn't given a report in the past few days and if she knew anything. Tonks had tried to deflect the questions, but he was persistent, and eventually he started suspecting that Tonks hadn't seen him either. Then he decided that Remus must have gone missing, and that a search should probably be arranged, and Tonks had given up on her composure.

"Remus isn't missing," she exclaimed. "He bloody ran away."

Everyone in the room went quiet. Except Kingsley. He narrowed his eyes at her and said, quite calmly, "Ran away where?"

"I don't know, do I?" she shouted. "They tend to not tell you where they're going when they leave you!"

"Oh, Dora," Tonks heard Molly say. She felt every single eye on her, every single judgment directed at her as they realized the truth. Startled she had divulged so much without meaning to, Tonks clasped a hand to her mouth and quickly strode out of the room. Away from everyone, she apparated to her mother's house and collapsed on the couch, where she pulled her knees up to her chest and didn't move. She had been trying not to cry ever since, and felt her strength wavering as Molly and Kingsley stepped inside. She assumed her mother had gone back upstairs. Andromeda never liked to get involved with Order business.

"Tonks, I believe we need to talk," Kingsley said, his voice loud and direct.

"Now Kingsley, what did I say?" Molly asked warningly. Tonks could see them both hovering over her in her peripherals, but still she didn't move.

"I need to know what Tonks knows, Molly," the man said. "If Remus is not reporting to us, and even his wife has not seen him, we must suspect that he has been captured by Death Eaters for information—"

That was all it took for Tonks' resolve to completely break. She let out a wail of despair and curled further into herself. "No, he's only being a coward," she insisted through her tears. "But he wouldn't let himself get captured." Tonks wasn't entirely positive in her words, though. Remus being taken by Death Eaters wasn't a possibility she had considered before, but what if something horrible had happened to prevent his return? What if the real reason he hadn't come back to her was because he'd been locked in a dungeon somewhere and was being tortured while she sobbed into a couch cushion, doing nothing to save him?

"She doesn't know where he is, Kingsley," Molly said, putting a gentle hand on Tonks' arm to calm the crying. "You have the information you wanted. Remus' whereabouts are unknown, so if you would kindly take care of that, I can handle Dora myself."

Kingsley nodded. "Very well," he said. He turned to leave, and then paused, almost hesitatingly, by the door. He glanced back, his face a little kinder. "We will do whatever we can to find him, Tonks. I hope to see you at the next meeting."

Once the door was shut behind him, Molly knelt down in front of the couch. She tried to get Tonks to look at her, but it was to no avail. "He's not going to find him," Tonks mumbled, diligently keeping her eyes from Molly's. "Either he's dead, or he doesn't want to be found. Kingsley looking for him isn't going to change that."

"If the Order—"

"It's got nothing to do with the Order!" Tonks cried, angered enough to sit upright. "I'm sure Kingsley will get a report in the post any day now. Remus left me, not them."

Molly frowned. "Why would he do a thing like that?"

Tonks stared at the older woman. Had she not been a guest at this woman's table for tea, crying her eyes out about the same bloody thing a year before? Did Molly think all of Remus' insecurities had vanished the moment he got married? "Same reason as last time, Molly," Tonks said. "He didn't want to take the next step in our relationship. He doesn't want to be a father."

"And you want children," Molly surmised, sounding sympathetic.

"Well, yes, but—" Tonks hesitated. Remus had told her to keep the news quiet for now, but he wasn't there. He had walked out, and taken any say he had over her life with him. "Molly I'm pregnant."

"Preg…?" Confused, Molly reached out a hand towards Tonks' belly, as if the touch would confirm the words. "How far along?"

"Four months."

A disappointed look crossed Molly's face. Clearly she thought Remus a better man than one who would abandon a pregnant wife, and he had proven otherwise. "Come with me, dear," she said, taking Tonks by the hand. She led the younger woman into the kitchen and sat her in a chair, bustling over to the sink to fill the kettle with water. "I'll just make you some nice, calming tea and we'll talk this over."

A few moments later, sitting at that table with a mug of decaffeinated tea, Tonks cried all of her sorrows to Molly, feeling like the past year hadn't happened at all.

Entry#67 (Tuesday June 12, 1973) – Three Days Before

It's rather relaxed around school now that exams are finished, although the older students are still taking their O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s. The Hogwarts Express won't come until Friday, after they're finished, so the rest of us just have to be patient. It's been quite pleasant for me. I've been able to get a bit of reading done, and I was able to talk to Dumbledore about my potentially problematic exam situation next year. He told me not to fret and that he would have everything sorted out by the time we had anything to worry about.

Surprisingly, my friends have enjoyed this idle time as well. Though, now that I think about it, it isn't surprising at all that they like being at Hogwarts when there aren't classes to attend. It's given them plenty of time to plan their prank that they still won't tell me about, and they've been creating as much trouble for the older students as possible. Just this morning, Sirius locked his cousin Narcissa in the girls' lavatory by sealing the door with a permanent sticking charm. The door had to be completely removed and replaced to let her out. They have also stolen and hidden several study books, attempted to sneak in and sit through the N.E.W.T. Charms exam, and told students that the location of their exam had been changed, causing a lot of lateness and tears.

Today, though, there was a change of pace. They decided that, as we have no obligation to actually be in the school at the moment, now would be a perfect time to utilize that tunnel we found back in April. As excited as I was about seeing Hogsmeade before everyone else in our year, I was mainly relieved James and Sirius had finally decided to stop torturing the poor older students. They've got enough on their plates without two obnoxious second years trying to sabotage their exams.

Before we went to the tunnel, though, we waited until all the exams had started, because a majority of the teachers would be occupied with proctoring. The only authority figure we really had to keep an eye out for then was Filch, and Sirius and James are practically experts on avoiding him at this point. We made it to the corridor without any mishaps. There was a group of Ravenclaw boys, fourth year I think, leaving the restroom that we had to wait out, but then we were able to slip the mirror open and rush into the tunnel, making sure the entrance was shut tight behind us.

The tunnel was just as I remembered it, dark and rather cold. We all four lit our wands and traveled through, and as we walked I wondered if any other students had ever discovered this tunnel. When was that mirror last opened, before James and Sirius crashed into it? Was the entrance always a mirror? If tunnels could be hidden behind mirrors, where else in the school could there be more? Behind statues? In the sinks? There are probably passageways unknown even to Dumbledore in a building as large as Hogwarts.

Partway through my musings, I realized how ridiculous I was being. I'm sure my friends were thinking about what shops to visit in Hogsmeade and whether we should risk bringing back candy from Honeyduke's, while I contemplated where the tunnel came from. No wonder they're always making fun of me. Sighing at myself, I hurried a little to catch back up with my friends.

"How do you suppose we'll actually get into Hogsmeade?" I wondered aloud. It was the only one of my rambling thoughts my friends might have interest in. "I mean, the robe shop has to have employees, doesn't it? What if someone is down in the cellar when we pop through?"

From the look on his face, Sirius had not considered this. He frowned and turned to James, who wore a similarly confused expression. "One of us will just have to go ahead and check if it's clear," Sirius mused, though he didn't sound sure. "Why didn't we bring your cloak, James?"

"Didn't think about it, did we?" James countered. "From now on, I say Moony has to fact-check everything before we pull a stunt. For now, I nominate Peter."

"What for?" Peter squeaked. "To go ahead? Why me?"

"Because you're the smallest and nobody notices you," James said. "You'll be practically invisible to anyone down there, and you can come back and warn us if there's any trouble." His tone suggested he didn't think this was an insensitive comment.

Peter didn't seem to think it was an insensitive comment either, which is always the case when James makes a vaguely insulting remark to him. Instead, Peter took it as a compliment of sorts, and he held his chin a little higher, grinning. "You can count on me, boss!" he said and scurried quickly down the tunnel.

We followed after him, wanting to make it easier when he ran back with his report. When he did return, he announced that the cellar was clear, and I got a look from all three of them that said, "See Moony? You worried for nothing."

"Better safe than sorry," I mumbled, though I don't think any of them heard me.

The tricky part came after we made it into the cellar. We didn't know exactly where the stairs would let out, as none of us had ever been inside Gladrag's, so James sent Peter ahead of us again. Pete gave us a thumbs-up from the top of the stairs, so the rest of us quickly climbed up after him and emerged behind a partition near the front door. There was a witch buying stockings at the counter, but otherwise the shop was empty. Before anyone could notice us, we bolted for the door and found ourselves on the streets of Hogsmeade, and not a one of us could keep the grin from his face.

After glancing around the streets for a moment, Sirius chose a direction. "C'mon, this way," he said, and we ventured down the busiest part of the street. With more people to hide our presence, we melted into the crowd and nobody really looked twice at the four out of place young boys wandering the wizarding village.

I soon realized that Sirius actually had a destination in mind, and James let out a "Yes!" when we reached it. It was a pub, and the sign above the door read 'The Three Broomsticks' in big wooden letters. Both James and Sirius claimed they had heard about it from their parents, and even Peter seemed to have some knowledge of the place. I didn't know it by name, but my father had mentioned a pub in Hogsmeade of which he had been a frequent patron back in his school days. He said they offered a fantastic butterbeer. Whether this was the same pub I didn't know, but I figured I could try the butterbeer anyway.

Inside, we were greeted by a pretty young witch who introduced herself as Rosmerta. I thought she might have been in her early twenties. She showed us to a table, and Sirius gave her a wink, saying, "Thanks Rosie."

"You're a little young to be calling me Rosie," the witch replied with a wink of her own. She took our order of four cold butterbeers and came back with the bottles just a few moments later. She didn't seem to mind that we were clearly out of school when we weren't supposed to be, and we were left alone to enjoy our drinks.

"This is nice," Sirius commented. "No homework. No teachers. No girlfriends. Just the four Marauders, as it should be."

"Hey, I'm the only one of us with a girlfriend." There was almost a touch of triumph in the way James said this. "The rest of you are hopelessly single."

Sirius frowned. "I wouldn't say 'hopelessly' in my case. I am single by choice, thank you very much. Girlfriends are too much work, and if you find the right girl, you can snog her without all that commitment nonsense. Much easier."

"Easier for you," I said. "I'm not so sure the 'right girl' would think the same way."

With an exaggerated eye roll, Sirius sighed. "You can't give me dating advice Lupin," he said. "You're the most hopelessly single of us all. Even Peter has a better shot than you, and he's afraid of girls."

Again, Peter did not take offense to the comment. He nodded his agreement, saying, "It's true, Remus."

I looked between the three of them. James had a smirk on his face to show that he, too, agreed with what they were saying. I kept my face calm, but I felt uncomfortable under their stares. They were trying to get something out of me, I was sure. "No girl in their right mind would want to date me," I said simply. I was only trying to be reasonable and hoped I didn't sound too self-deprecating. "Especially when that girl knows what I really am."

"A closet librarian?" Sirius suggested.

"A reincarnated book?" James said.

"A ballerina?" Peter added.

I gave each of them a hard look. "Don't. You know what I mean."

"No, I really don't," Sirius said.

He was staring at me meaningfully. I could hear his unspoken words as clear as day, and I understood what they wanted from me. They were wrong, though. "Come off it, Sirius." I tried to sound confident, though my voice shook a little. "It's not right of me to ask Allie out. She's my friend, and I'm sure that's all she wants to be with someone like me."

Sirius scoffed, clearly out of patience. "Allie isn't a normal girl, Moony. She doesn't like normal things."

"'Normal things' meaning you?" James interjected with a grin.

"Meaning me!" Sirius exclaimed theatrically, complete with a frustrated flourish of his arms. "How can she not like me? What have I ever done to her?"

"Well, you did break her wrist," I noted, deliberately missing the point. "And you dyed her hair blue, and told her the only reason she could come swimming with us was so you could look at her swimwear, and you constantly call one of her friends a harpy, and you gave her a birthday present she was allergic to…"

"Okay, I get it." Sirius held his hands up in defense, looking only slightly guilty about the litany of offenses. "My point is her good taste is clearly in question. Who's to say the thing she wants most isn't a gigantic piece of werewolf meat?"

I groaned. "Don't be crude."

"I'm just saying," he said. "I think she's into you. Like, a lot. Why else would she put up with the rest of us if she didn't like you? And don't say it's because we're charming. We're all three of us horrible and you know it."

"She's my friend," I repeated lamely.

James raised his eyebrows. "She also holds your hand in the hallways between classes," he said, "and stays by your bedside every time you're in the hospital wing, and spends every moment she can with you. Even the boring ones, like when you're doing homework. That girl likes you as more than a friend, Remus, and I don't see how you can't see it."

I didn't know what to say. I just sat there dumbly, wishing they hadn't said any of it, wishing they would take it back. They didn't understand. I wanted so much for all my ridiculous delusions of Allie returning my affections to be true, but life couldn't work out that way. Not my cursed werewolf life, anyway. My feelings for her had to go unrequited so that I would be the only one to suffer in the end. Not Allie. She's been nothing but kind to me. How could I punish her for that by telling her my feelings? She deserves better, and I sometimes fear she doesn't want better. I want her to feel as strongly about me as I do about her, honestly I do, but that just can't happen. She shouldn't waste her time with me, and keeping my feelings to myself will allow her to make the better choice. All this is assuming she does care about me as more than a friend, and I still doubt that's the case.

When I think too seriously about actually being with her, I start to realize how bleak, how lonely, my future is going to be. I've accepted that society won't accept me, but it's still heartbreaking to be reminded of it with the talk of relationships that can never be, said to me by friends that in all likelihood won't last. I am constantly on the alert for their wavering interest, for the day I cease to be entertaining to them. When I first met them I could provide a mystery for them to solve. Now that they've solved it, I have become a project, a reason for them to while away the hours doing research and planning in the library. What happens when I'm no longer useful for even that?

"Moony?" Sirius said, sounding concerned.

I realized I had started crying. Slightly mortified, I wiped at my wet cheeks with my sleeve and avoided their gazes, staring at my bottle of butterbeer instead. This was another of my insecurities I couldn't bring myself to share with them. Of course, they wouldn't understand even if I told them. They would say I shouldn't be so hard on myself, tell me that I don't deserve to end up alone, but how could they say anything of the sort and think it the truth?

Forcing the tears to stop, I put a false smile on my face. "I'm fine," I said, as assuredly as possible. From their expressions, they didn't believe me, but I didn't care. I swallowed the lump in my throat and carried on. "How are the animagus forms coming along?"

I expected protest, but something in my voice must have told them I wouldn't allow them to change the subject back to Allie. They gave each other quick, confused glances, and then James started telling me about how different personality types translated to certain animagus forms, and Peter went off on all the terrible things that have happened to witches and wizards who attempted the transformation unsuccessfully. Only Sirius remained silent, and he kept staring at me with sad, knowing eyes until we finished our butterbeer and James mercifully decided we should explore the shops.

Eventually, after we had distracted ourselves with as many shops as possible, we figured it was time to sneak back to the castle. Once we were securely in the tunnel, Sirius fell into step beside me, Peter and James a bit ahead of us. He didn't smile when I looked at him. "Do you want to talk about it?" he wondered.

"No," I said.

He frowned. "Look, if we did something to—"

"It's not something that anybody did," I interrupted him. "It's a matter of me realizing there are certain things I can't do."

"You think dating Allie is something you can't do?" Sirius wondered. I couldn't tell whether I heard pity or anger in his voice. Maybe both. "Why would you think that? Being a werewolf doesn't make you defective, Remus. You're just like any other bloke."

It was exactly what I expected him to say. I sighed. "I'm not, though. That's the point."

Sirius didn't have a response to that. With a shake of his head, he threw his arm around my shoulder, and I was willing accept that form of comfort, at least. A friendly arm is something physical, something real, something I can hold on to. It's not empty words that don't mean anything if you look at them too closely.

I know the fact that he was so damn concerned means my friends don't just consider me a source of entertainment. They are my friends, and I am their friend, and I should trust them to be more understanding of my worries. I know they'd be supportive if I talked to them. I just can't help feeling that all this camaraderie is fleeting, that they won't be around forever. I want to mentally prepare myself for that reality if it happens.

As for Allie… At this point, I'm honestly not sure whether I'm more afraid of her liking me, or her having no romantic feelings for me at all. Both seem terrible, but for entirely different reasons. I can't help wondering, though, what it might be like if I just let myself be happy for once.