Chapter 35

Soft Ambitions

"No, no, Sebastian, you can't challenge me in this. Anything but this."

"It's because I win. I know I win, Hummel. I win at this so much that Charlie Sheen is suing me for being so win at this."

"…I'm fucking Charlie Sheen. Oh, Prada, where has my life and dignity sunken to?"

"Time to mourn the loss of your dignity already? It's not even five pm."

"Sebastian, no matter how…Charlie Sheen you are in this, I'm still better than you at this. Understand?"

"Hummel. My hair is better than yours. Shut up."

"Your hair is as obnoxious as you are."

"Your hair makes little children cry, Hummel."

"That was just once and she was just intimidated by how sexy I looked. You, on the other hand, your hair looks like it's been cut with a lawn mower."

"Hey. My Mother birthed me with this hair!"

"Really? I can't tell with the can of hairspray used to set it in place after you've used my hairdryer on its highest incline for forty-five minutes."

"…besides that, my Mother birthed me with this hair."

"Sebastian, if hairography was essential, then we'd be clutching a National trophy within the first ten seconds of them seeing me flip my hair back and forth."

"Calm down, Willow Smith—"

"—Sebastian whips his dick back and forth. He whips his dick back and forth—"

"—my hair is softer than yours."

"What? You're joking. Who the hell told you that?"

"You. When you were sucking me off."

"…your pubic hair doesn't count in this conversation! I'm saying that my hair is soft and delicious and—"

"Hummel, are you clutching my hair?"

"If pubic hair was in this conversation, then sit down and suck me off and see how snuggly and soft my pubic hair is."

"…whatever gets you off."

-Later-

"…Hummel, your hair was rough."

"The sex was rough. Not my hair. My hair is soft. It's so soft it's auditioned to be Rapunzel. It's so beautiful and so natural it should be on a hair magazine."

"…hey, tall guy with nipples that show through his shirt!"

"…uh, my name's Finn?"

"Whatever. Whose hair is softer? Me or your stepbrother's?"

"Uh…no offense, dudes. But whenever I look at your hair, I kinda think that if I touch it, my hand will kinda bleed because they look like thorns."

"…Hummel, I told you we shouldn't ask anyone post-sex. You look like a demon."

"Demon? Finn! Come touch my pubic hair and tell me how soft it is!"

"I think you scared your stepbrother. From lack of soft pubic hair."

"I think you scared the president from how brown your hair is."

"Your hair's the same shade."

"…in the light, it isn't. In the light, yours still looks like it lives in the bat cave."

"You'd know that. All you do is sit in your room on your Macbook, talking to your ex about how soft your pubic hair is."

"…oh, please stop fighting you too!"

"Yoda!"

"Blaine?"

"If you really want to know, both of you have the exact same hairstyle. Your hair is as Finn said kinda pointy and I used to run my hand through Kurt's hair because I think it's alive and out to get me."

"…"

"…"

"Hey, boys. What are you doing?"

"Well, Carole, I was getting hair care tips. From Medusa."

"Shh. Kurt, don't talk about Sebastian like that."

"HA! YOUR HAIR SUCKS, BAS! I WIN! …I mean…I knew I was right all along, of course."

"I'm sleeping with a toddler."

"…I swear! I wasn't the one that finished the last of your Lucky Charms."

"So that's where you've been gaining weight from! Bee vomit my sexy ass!"

Peanut Butter/Sam xo