Chapter 35 – Longing
Erik woke up first the next morning. He found Christine's head resting on his shoulder, her arm draped around his waist. Her features were relaxed, and she looked even younger than her barely nineteen years. A smile seemed to play across her lips, the sign of a happy dream. Erik could not turn his eyes away from his young wife. He loved her so much. Her beauty and the closeness of her body aroused him, while the innocence of her relaxed, sleeping face helped him to keep his own urges in check. Yes, he wanted her more than anything, and it would be heaven to … He closed his eyes to clear his mind of the erotic fantasies assaulting him. No, he would not betray her trust. He would content himself with what she was willing to give. After all, brushing her hair, singing with her, and waking up with her in his arms was more than he had thought possible only a year ago.
His lips reverently brushed over her curls, careful not to wake her. Erik did not want to scare Christine with his caresses. He was not going to risk losing her trust, which was the next-best thing in his opinion, since he could not have her love.
Christine stirred in his arms and finally her beautiful, large eyes opened and met his. A warm smile spread over her face and she snuggled even closer to him. "My Angel," she sighed happily. "I had feared I might only have dreamed it that we are finally together." Erik had to fight his raging hormones. He could feel every movement of her soft, feminine curves against his body, with only the two thin layers of his pajamas and her nightgown between them. The sweet innocence of her eyes and voice helped him to compose himself. He managed to return her smile. "You will never be alone again," he promised. "I will always be there for you and Philippe." Her tiny hand moved to the right side of his face, gently caressing his mangled flesh. "I know that, Angel," she whispered, "and it makes me very happy." Erik blushed as he noticed the adoration in her eyes, and his stupid heart once again beat faster, full of hope that maybe, one day, she might learn to love him.
Xxxx
After breakfast Erik took his new family out to show them the garden. It was of course much smaller than the one at the de Chagny mansion, but there was enough open space for a little boy to play, it was large enough that they could sit outside once it would get warmer, there was a corner where a few vegetables were growing and Erik had planted a few rosebushes. Christine was overwhelmed. The house was perfect. It was everything she had ever wanted her home to be. What had been missing when he inherited the house from his mother, her Angel had added. She and Philippe would be every bit as comfortable here as they had been at the de Chagny-mansion. Even more so, Christine thought, because here, the loving care of her dearest Angel enveloped them, while there, the icy atmosphere had made them freeze.
Xxxx
The first few days at their house went by fairly quickly for the young couple. With Marie's advice Christine soon developed a talent for cooking, and Erik began to joke that they'd both get fat if she continued to prepare such delicious food. The two of them cared for Philippe together, sang and played the piano together, and tried to get used to the new situation that they now were a family. Both of them thought that it was like a miracle that they were finally together, both of them relished each other's company, while secretly hoping for more.
As much as Erik enjoyed the fact that Christine now regularly slept in his arms, he also had to admit that the intimacy of this sleeping arrangement did put a strain on him. He was torn between two contradictory urges: his passion and need for her grew exponentially with every night spent in her bed, but so did his determination to protect her, even against his own bodily needs.
Christine, on the other hand, sensed her heart full of tenderness for her husband, and she was showing him her affection now more openly. She had insisted that Erik should not wear the mask when they were alone. Even when Marie paid the a visit, he had to take it off. Only when they left the house or when the young woman, who helped Christine with the cleaning, was there, was he allowed to hide behind his mask. Christine knew that at first Erik felt exposed and vulnerable without this protective layer, but she was determined to prove to him that his deformity did not matter. Marie supported her in this endeavor. Both women thought that it would do Erik a lot of good to finally accept himself, deformity and all. Christine had soon discovered that tenderly moving her fingers over Erik's deformed cheek made him more willing to keep his mask off – so that she would have access to his sunken cheek, should she feel like caressing it again.
Christine could not understand anymore how she could once have been disgusted by Erik's face. It was part of him, part of what made him who he was. The experiences he had made based on other people's reactions to his disfigurement had shaped him and turned him into the person he was. She knew that by caressing the deformed part of his face, she not only showed him that she accepted him despite this flaw, but she also helped him to accept himself. She would have loved to place gentle kisses on his mangled flesh, but something always held her back. Even though a kiss to the cheek was nowhere near as intimate as a real kiss on the lips, Christine forced herself not to give in to this urge to touch his deformed face with her mouth. She had been the first one to initiate a kiss once before. She would not do so again. Even though they were now properly married, Christine somehow felt that Erik should be the one to start any kissing. Once he had kissed her, nothing would keep her from kissing him back, mouth and cheek, but after a few days in their new home, she was still waiting for Erik's first kiss.
Christine was getting nervous. Why did her Angel not kiss her? Surely he had enjoyed their kisses the night of "Don Juan". She had felt his response and something wonderful, almost magical had passed between them then. She wanted this feeling again. She wanted Erik's lips on hers, his tongue meeting hers, and more than once was she tempted to forget about her principles and kiss him first, like she had done two years ago. She blushed at that thought. What if he had a reason not to kiss her? She could not think of any, but then, her Angel had always been a very complex person and she did not always understand him. This had not really changed when they got married. So there was this disconcerting possibility that maybe Erik did not kiss her, because for some reason or other he did not want to. If this was the case and she forced herself onto him… Christine was embarrassed at her thoughts. No, she could not risk that. All she could do was wait patiently for Erik to finally kiss her.
Xxxx
About a week after they had moved to Boscherville, Erik's second album of songs arrived in the mail and Christine eagerly began studying the new songs, accompanied by Erik on the piano and helped by his advice. Her voice developed marvelously. Erik's teaching enabled her to perfect her technique, while the uncertainty in her heart, her growing love for her Angel, her longing for his kiss, her fear that he might not find her as attractive anymore as he used to and therefore did not want to kiss her, all those various emotions fighting in her chest, brought a maturity and depth to her interpretation that surprised even Erik.
Hearing her bring his songs to life so beautifully had an unexpected effect on Erik. He knew he should have been happy that somebody was able to express the feelings he had written into his music as perfectly as she did. He should also have been proud of her, his student, since her progress as a musician was incredible. But deep inside he wished, she would not only convey the feelings of love and longing, but actually experience them – and that those feelings would be directed at him. There were days when her singing gave him hope, when he thought it was impossible to sing like that without actually understanding love and longing. But then he remembered that she had been married before. What if she did feel love, but it was directed at her dead husband? What if she did experience longing, but she longed for Raoul's presence and his touch? After all, he reminded himself, she had not wanted to get married again, which in Erik's opinion clearly indicated that she did want to remain faithful to the father of her child.
When his reasoning reached this particular conclusion, Erik always got in a bad mood. He was angry at himself then for dreaming and hoping, reminding himself that a hideous creature like himself had not the same rights as normal people, that it was preposterous of him to expect an angel like Christine to return his feelings. When Erik was in that kind of mind frame he sometimes even doubted Christine's friendship. "She only clings to me because she needs me," he thought then. "She would never have married me if there had been another way to get away from the Comte."
When this mood passed, he concentrated on the positive side of their situation. After all, she had accepted his help, she did trust him and she was grateful. He could not deny this. It was not Christine's fault that he would have wanted so much more. He even admitted that she treated him better than almost anybody had ever treated him before in his life, with the possible exceptions of Antoinette and Nadir, Marie and Father Mansart. That did not change the fact, though, that he wanted to be her husband in every sense of the word, not just in name only.
Xxxx
Marie Perrault was a regular guest in the Chabrier-household. She loved her godson dearly and had opened her heart to Christine and Philippe almost at once. She had known Erik as a child and understood him probably better than anybody else, including Christine. She therefore noticed fairly soon that there was a certain tension between the young couple. Even when both were relaxed and calm, Marie could sense something like a barrier between husband and wife. She never for a second doubted that they both were head over heels in love with one another, no, the secret glances between the newly-weds were proof enough that their hearts were bound together for all eternity, but something was not quite right yet between them.
She was not sure, though, what the problem could possibly be. She noticed that the two relished each other's touch, she had seen more than once how their hands were searching each other, and she noticed how both of them blushed when the other one said something even remotely sounding like praise about them. True, she had not actually seen them kiss, but then she knew that some couples preferred to have some privacy when they exchanged such intimacies.
Then Erik's new songs arrived and a few days later the couple finally agreed to perform a few of these for Marie. Marie had longed for quite a while to hear one of Erik's compositions. Since she knew how much money the boy made with those songs she thought they must be rather good. She also had never heard Christine sing. She therefore had asked the couple repeatedly to let her listen to some of their music.
At first both, Erik and Christine, had been reluctant to do so. Ever since the first evening together in their home they had both felt as if what they shared when they sang and played together was rather intimate and did not bear the presence of an outsider. They had excused themselves, first pretending that they had not had time to rehearse yet, what with moving in and getting used to their new situation as a family, then they had asked to be granted some time to study the new songs together, but finally Marie had not accepted their excuses any longer.
"Erik, dear," she had told her godson, "I know you are a perfectionist, but I am not much of a musician. I like music, but I wouldn't know if anything were slightly off. Supposedly everybody in Paris knows these songs of yours by now, don't you want your old godmother to hear them as well and be proud of your achievement? Please, let me hear your compositions." After those words Erik could not deny her any longer. He moved over to the piano and Christine followed him. He gave her a questioning glance and Christine nodded. She knew which song he would play. No further communication between them was needed.
Erik began the introduction and Marie suddenly sat very still. His love, his passion for his wife was very obvious in every note he played, but there was something else, a desire, a hunger, an unfulfilled longing. She was confused. When had he written that song? Years ago, when he had had no hope to win Christine's heart? She did not think so, after all, the album had been published only a few months ago. Surely by then he must have at least hoped that Christine might return his feelings? But even if he had still had doubts, if his longing for her had still been so strong, when he wrote that song, how come he could convey the feeling so perfectly now, when Christine was finally his? Was he basing his performance on memory?
Then Christine started to sing, her voice pure and clear like none other Marie had ever heard. Strangely enough, though, her singing, too, conveyed a wealth of tenderness and love, and a deep, unfulfilled longing. While Erik's interpretation contained a hint of hopelessness and resignation, her longing was full of hope, of uncertainty, or even curiosity, as if she were not too sure herself what exactly it was she longed for. Marie sighed. She thought she understood now. Apparently these two had not been intimate yet, the hunger and passion Erik had expressed, made it clear to her that he wanted nothing more than to make love to his wife. Then why hadn't he done so already? Marie could not imagine Christine denying him his rights as a husband. After all, her singing had been full of longing as well.
Erik seemed to think that the situation was hopeless, hence the quiet resignation in his playing. Marie shook her head. He could not possibly still believe that his face made him somehow less of a man, unworthy of a beautiful wife like Christine. After all, the young woman made him take off the mask when they were alone and she never seemed to miss an opportunity to show Erik that she cared for him deeply, deformity and all. Marie had seen Christine caress Erik's disfigured cheek. Her fingers had moved so gently over his mangled flesh and she had looked at him so lovingly.
What else could keep these two apart? Marie thought about Erik's past. Did he think his past crimes were standing between him and Christine? Did he feel like he would contaminate her with the atrocities he had committed if he made her truly his? Marie was not sure how much of Erik's past Christine really knew, but the young woman definitely was aware of the fact that her husband had killed Buquet and Piangi and injured lots of people by crashing the chandelier on the audience and starting the fire at the Opera Populaire. It was also clear to Marie that Christine had forgiven him these crimes, had somehow found extenuating circumstances for his actions, and that the young woman loved Erik anyway.
Her thoughts returned to Christine's singing. She had felt the longing there as well, equally strong as in Erik's playing, but there had also been a certain uncertainty, as if Christine did not really know herself, what it was she longed for. Could it really be that Christine desired her husband but was not quite aware of the fact? Marie could not really imagine such a scenario. After all, Christine had been married before, she even had a child. Unlike Erik, she was no virgin anymore. If either, it should be her to know what to expect, what she wanted, desired, not him. But strangely enough, it seemed to be Erik, who had absolutely no previous experience with marital relationships, to know exactly what he wanted and what he was currently missing, while Christine's attitude had all the innocence and inexperience of an untouched girl, even though her longing was just as strong as Erik's.
Marie shook her head. She could not quite figure out this unusual situation. She only knew that these two were burning with the same fire, longing for fulfillment, but somehow they did not realize each other's need. Should she talk to them about this? She was not sure Erik would take such an interference well. After all, his temper had not changed since he was a boy. And Christine? Marie did not know her well enough yet to dare approach such a delicate subject with her. Marie finally decided to wait a few more weeks. Maybe all these two needed was some time to sort out their feelings for each other. Maybe all that was necessary to set things right between them was for Erik to summon the courage to kiss his wife passionately and she would beg him to make love to her.