Couple things to address, so please pay attention!
1) HUGE shout out to Ditte3 for reviewing like 20+ times! You rock!
2) IMPORTANT: this chapter starts off very very dark. Like it's pretty descriptive and gross. Not horribly so, but it's definitely the goriest of any chapter I've written so far, so I'm just warning you.
3) Please vote on the poll on my profile page!
4) Please answer the question in the author's note at the end of this chapter! Thanks!
Alright, guys, enjoy! Personally, I think this is probably one of the most well written chapters of the story. Let's see what you think!
"'…it's almost as if….' 'As if nothing makes sense. As if the only sensible conclusion you can make is the one that makes less sense than any other.'"
~Hermione, Draco
The air was uneasily still. It didn't move, as if any sort of motion would unleash a beast of unimaginable terror on it. So it stood, suspended in the room, not daring to breathe or feel or live.
Draco's face registered nothing but detached indifference. His hands, clasped in front of him, were clammy and pale, gripping equally white knuckles as his heart beat slightly faster than was normal. A bead of sweat drudged past his brow above steel eyes, eyes that were either unfeeling, uncaring, or unwilling to illustrate their true emotions.
It was cold. Too cold. Draco would've shivered if he could've felt anything at all.
Beside him, his parents stood stonily, bedraggled and small. They said nothing. They did nothing. No one felt permitted to interrupt the commanding silence that pressed in on them and stifled the air from their lungs. It was growing in desperation.
But suddenly the quiet was ended, killed swiftly and mercilessly as an agonized screech ripped through the air. It pierced, as effective and shocking as a crimson arrow launched into a peaceful wood. The sound went straight through Draco, cutting him down to the smallest size he could be.
The boy looked down, away from the scene in front of him. He couldn't stand to watch Bellatrix torture anyone, not now, not ever.
Maybe it was better this way, because he couldn't see the victim's face. At least he wouldn't have to face them, have to look into their eyes as they pleaded for safety, for sympathy, for release and the cruelty of death on the hard floors of Malfoy Manor. Even in front of such an audience as his parents and aunt, he wasn't sure how he'd hold up if anyone were to ever look to him in such a situation.
But as it was, he couldn't see their face. Or at least, he couldn't recognize them, because the truth was that he was able to gaze upon their face. Yet that did nothing.
For nothing was left expect bone and muscle, throbbing and spewing red uncontrollably beneath a jagged, gore streaked dagger that was clasped between Bellatrix's blood-soaked hands, black in the dim light of the drawing room. Flesh clung vainly to the edges of cheekbones, flesh that was previously cheek fat, but became nothing more but disposable lumps of skin and red as the knife was scraped across the surface yet again. The jaw—or what was left of it—was forced open as an animalistic shriek ripped from the throat, gripping the entire body as it shook violently on the floor, thrashing apart as blood-laced screams of agony slashed it to pieces. Dark scarlet seeped from the hair line, crawling across the marble beneath the body as Bellatrix shouted obscenities at the person before growling to herself and—
Draco fought vainly to keep an expression of horror and revulsion from his face as he closed his eyes to the sight of his aunt grinding her thumbs into the eye sockets of her victim. The sound that followed was so loud, so ear-splitting, so excruciatingly wrenching that it couldn't possibly have been from such a mangled person who had essentially become a distorted hunk of meat.
The boy clenched his jaw tightly, so tightly that he was sure he'd cracked several teeth. He fought valiantly to repress the fear and bile rising in his throat, but they rose and suffocated his senses as Bellatrix caused another screech to tear through the room.
His stomach churned. He hated this. He hated this. What was this? Why. Why?
His parents stood by, eyes averted. Their soulless depths gazed, blank yet distantly sad, at their feet. There was nothing they could do and there was nothing they would do. But wait. They just had to wait.
Draco's head turned to the floor, eyes still closed, but his ears seemed to be seeing something nothing else could. It grew, subtly at first, like an afterthought not noted upon. Like static. Like a harsh wind. But it became overpowering, too overpowering, and Draco had to force his heart and mind into indifference to combat its pure force.
True repulsion. But an underlying thankfulness, coupled with fear, that the person on the floor—whoever they were—was not him. And it choked him so badly that he could no longer breathe.
However, he could still hear.
A tearing sound filled the room for a split second, mingling with a blood-curling shriek that didn't sound quite right. Draco wished he hadn't turned to see; he'd prefer the comfort of blindness to the sight of Bellatrix holding a bloodied and mangled jaw proudly above her, strings of muscles still reaching pitiably towards the still head on the ground as if trying to reattach themselves.
He didn't even want to see what the rest of the face looked like.
Standing in the Malfoy Manor, feeling disgusted and thankful and scared, Draco was admittedly quite averse to being there.
Waking in his dorm room, though, Draco felt not subtle discomfort and distress like he had in his dream, but a mind-numbing terror that ripped through his entire being in one swift movement. He shot up, sobs and gasps wracking his body as his fingernails tore at the roots of his hair. He clawed at his chest, hysteria driving him to the brink of insanity as his heart beat faster and faster and—
He could see nothing else. Just the blood, the body, the screams—yes, he could see the screams, pained and huge and excruciatingly grotesque. The body. The blood. Bellatrix. The bones. The blood. The floor, the dagger, the blood, the fear, the red, the blood, the crimson, the blood the blood the blood blood blood blood blood—
It repeated itself in his head, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and—He couldn't think, he couldn't think, couldn't think of anything. Not a single co-co-co-coherent th-thought—
No no no nonononononononononononooo—
NOOOOOO—
Breaths rrrrrripped from his tired lungs. A-a-a-a-a hand shakily scratched lines down his face, b-but he…he…he-Draco couldn't th-th-think—
I can't. I can't. I can't.
This (the four lettered word r-r-repeated in his mind eighteen thousand t-times) was in….was insanity. He had to think, to stop, to be quiet, to breathe, to—
To check. He had to check.
Pure fear and overwhelming madness caused Draco to move so rapidly, it couldn't have been possible. Tears of panic blurred his vision, and faintly he realized he needed to calm down, but n-now was not the time—
I-I-I-I-I…I n-need to know—
God, I can't-I can't th-think—
What's wrong with me?! Why am I-I being like th-th-ththththththis?!
Like his very life was glitching out. Like he himself had been ripped to shreds. Like his ability to think and reason and breathe and simply be had been annihilated.
H—
R U OK?
~D
Messy handwriting and fear.
Draco's eyes were wild. This was insanity. He was insanity. He needed to calm d-down—but he couldn't. N-n-n-not until—
She responded.
D—
Yes, I'm perfectly fine. Night patrols as usual, though they can be a bore sometimes to be honest! What's wrong, why so urgent? Are you okay?
~H
There was such an easygoing and commonplace attitude to her response, her familiar h-handwriting, that Draco felt himself relax. Sl-slightly.
A shaky breath left him, visible on the warm March air, and he felt his chest heave. He was still sh-shaking, like a leaf on the breeze. His eyes searched the room warily as a single tear streaked down his face. It was white on his whiter skin.
It-it was s-so real—
So vivid—
Draco let out another raspy breath, one that tore from him painfully. He squeezed his eyes closed, hands flying up to cover his face as he fought back sobs of fear. No, no, no, no. No, he couldn't. He couldn't.
This was real. This was too real. Was too real. Too real. Real.
The word sounded so exhausted after reverberating around inside his skull for so long.
Finally, he found the strength to write again.
H—
We need to meet. Now. By the Great Hall.
~D
He didn't wait for a response to get out of his dorm. Within ten seconds, his comfortable bed with its emerald sheets and soft memories was empty.
He walked with a sort of purpose, as always, though for once it was evident that he was in a hurry. Draco Malfoy was never in a hurry, but now he was.
It's fine. I'm fine. She's fine. He kept repeating the words.
Repetition creates belief creates ignorance creates bliss.
He didn't care that it was far past curfew. 12:54, to be exact. He just kept walking, kept breathing, kept counting to ten and f-feeling his heartbeat as it slowly—slowly—got steadier.
And by the time he reached the Great Hall, he was almost fine. It had been a dream. It had been a dream. A bad one, yes, but a dream nonetheless. He was at Hogwarts, not the manor, and everything was fine, and everyone was fine. He was fine. It was fine. Fine. Fine. F-fine.
His breathing was normal once again. It took much longer than it should have, he realized, but that (also) was fine. He just needed to get out, needed to breathe and feel the air on his skin. The moving air, so unlike the air in his dream.
The dream that hadn't actually happened and wouldn't actually happen because it couldn't actually happen. No. No. He had been freaking out. He didn't need to.
Everyone had bad dreams.
Draco sighed, pacing as he waited, hands covering his face as he felt the finger pads across his skin. He tried not to think about how it would feel for his face to be ripped from his body. Not thinking about such a thing was a harder task than one would imagine.
He hadn't had a dream like that in ages, not since the first semester of the school year. And those had mainly been of the cruciatus curse.
Draco halted his pacing. At that time in the year, he'd believed his dreams were predictions of how he would've died or of how the other person would die. If he'd been right, that would mean the person he cared for would die at Bellatrix's hand, just like in his dream—
No.
But that couldn't be right. If his dreams predicted the death, then it could also be through the cruciatus and eventually the killing curse. He'd had dreams of both, after all.
Draco was visibly shaking still, but somehow his thought process managed to calm him down. His dream had been one of the most unpleasant things he'd ever experienced, but it did confirm one thing. The death wasn't set in stone. Not how someone died, at least.
"Malfoy?"
Granger's nervous voice ripped Draco from his thoughts, and he turned, relieved, to see the Gryffindor hurrying along the hall towards him. Her hair, frizzy as usual, floated along behind her as her black cloak billowed out. She looked tired but determined, always determined.
The sight of her made Draco sigh loudly in relief and he even slumped slightly where he stood, finally letting out the breath he'd been holding. Needless to say, this only worried the girl more as she came to a halt not three feet from him.
"Malfoy?" she started quietly, searching his gaze. "Malfoy, what is it?"
He couldn't hold her stare for more than about two seconds. His eyes dropped to the floor and he shook his head. There were no words.
It couldn't be her. There was no way. No one knew about them, after all, so she couldn't possibly get in harm's way. It would be someone else—this was a fact—and Draco's life would go on. But one thing was certain: it was. Not. Her.
Granger bit her lip for a moment before she tentatively pulled at his sleeve to follow her. He did so without arguing.
Draco hardly noticed when they exited the castle, when they walked across the grass, sat by the lake and away from the school. His mind was racing too fast. He was thinking too much.
The wind rustled quietly, and the lake appeared black beneath the dark sky. The moon reflected against the miniscule ripples and waves, bouncing off of the water and onto Granger's face, illuminating it against the colorless air. Draco could finally look up at her again.
He hated the silence that stretched on. He'd had too much and too little of it already that night.
She always could read him like one of her books. Her words were whispered yet shouted against the symphony of breezes and the smell of the lake. "Was it a dream?"
He stared across the water. Then: "Yes."
A hesitation. "A nightmare."
She didn't need an answer, but he gave her one anyways. "Yeah." The word sounded like a simple breath as Granger hugged her legs to her chest.
Her eyes captured his. "About whatever's in the Room of Requirement?"
He didn't look away as he nodded.
She frowned slightly, looking at her hands before sighing. "Malfoy, I—I know you won't tell me. There's not much I can do to change that, I know. But seeing you so beaten up…."
Maybe he shouldn't have met with her that night. Maybe it was a mistake, for it had worried her even more than before. Maybe, but Draco couldn't come to regret it. Even being with her for a moment was enough to calm his racing nerves. Imagine what sitting with her by the lake could do for him.
Draco could already feel his breathing returning to normal and his sweaty hands drying themselves in the grass. One last shaky breath left him, and he closed his eyes. Thank God for the miracle beside him.
Beaten up. She was too right all too often.
His breath of unease was not lost on her. "Malfoy…." Her eyes shut tightly as her arms hugged her legs tighter against her body. "I…I don't know what to do."
Draco was slightly shocked that she was suddenly distressed. "About what?"
"You," she answered, brown eyes flicking to his, a sort of desperation in their depths. "Isn't it obvious?" Granger let out a humorless laugh, a nervous one that made Draco swallow.
"I told you before," she continued, "that I was worried for you, but I think it's worse than that. I'm scared. For you. For whatever you've gotten yourself into, especially because I have no idea what it is and because I am utterly and completely powerless."
He preferred it that way.
"And I…I just…." Her eyes closed and she let go of her legs, arms moving to prop herself up. "I don't know what to do and I don't know what to think and just…I…I don't know. You've been confusing me so much, lately."
Draco blinked in surprise. She was confused by him? So…he wasn't just imagining things, when he'd thought things could be different.
But he couldn't assume what she meant. "I confuse you?"
She smiled slightly. "To no end."
He tilted his head in thought. "How so?"
She shrugged lazily. "I have no idea what to think anymore. Some days I feel like I know everything about you, the way you talk and what you mean and your habits and…hobbies and dislikes and, you know…everything. But then sometimes I have no idea where to even begin because it's like I've never known you at all. Like you're some foreign language that I cannot for the life of me understand. And no matter how much I think over and analyze the things you do and the words you say, it's almost as if…." She trailed off.
He understood exactly what she meant. "As if nothing makes sense," he finished, looking to her. "As if the only sensible conclusion you can make is the one that makes less sense than any other."
Her chocolate brown eyes met his, slowly. They reflected the moon as she looked into his soul, an odd sort of expression on her face. "Yeah. Exactly."
They sat like that for a moment before her eyes flicked to her hands. "It's confusing. It's like no matter what day it is or what time or how I feel or how you feel, I can never ask the things I want to. It never makes sense to."
Draco frowned. "Granger, I've told you that I can't tell you anything about the Room of—"
"No, no—" She sighed. "Not about that. About something else. About everything else."
He felt a jolt in his stomach, one of nervousness and excitement and confusion. Her eyes held all of these too, with—what, curiosity? Anticipation? Embarrassment?
"Granger," Draco said softly. "You can ask me anything. Now, if you'd like. I promise you I'll give you a straight answer and I won't laugh or anything like that."
The girl seemed to be legitimately contemplating it. She bit her lip. Draco could only sit and wait and hope that she'd do what he couldn't.
And it seemed she was about to speak, to ask the question he'd been dreading but waiting for but hating all at the same time. Her mouth opened and she inhaled a breath of air and was about to speak—
But a shout at the castle grabbed her attention before she could even voice a single syllable. Filch had exited the school, making his way down towards the lake on the suspicion that there were "students out of bed". He was waving his lantern about drunkenly as Ms. Norris wound around his legs, shouting curses all the while about the things he'd do to such lousy, no good, rebellious children.
Draco helped Granger to her feet, swallowing his anger at Filch as they skirted around him, giving him a wide radius of space as they ran back up to the castle. Not being the brightest of squibs, he didn't even notice them.
Standing in the entrance of the school, Draco knew that their conversation had died as he took in Granger's panting form. No way would she want to speak anymore.
And frankly, neither did he. He'd been stupid. This whole night had been stupid.
"I'll see you around, Granger," he mumbled, turning his back on her before she could get a word in.
Instead, he sniffed and stalked away, readopting his usual swagger and confident persona. He wouldn't look back, not on her, not on this night. He couldn't, therefore he wouldn't.
Never mind that he wanted to.
In this life, in this twisted world that he called his reality, what he wanted didn't matter. There were more important things than that.
3137. lit
Ok but WOW that dream was great. I thought I totally nailed it!
HEY ANSWER THIS IN A REVIEW: which chapter of Of Pasts and Redemptions has been your favorite? I'm actually curious, so please answer!
Please review!
Love you lots!