A/N: Hey :) I know it has been a while but I took an unreasonable amount of time writing this chapter, but I have a good excuse. I just wanted this to be perfect :D And while I think perfection is an unattainable goal, this is ax far ax I could get and still I'm sure it's not even close.
That said, I hope you still like it.
As the moments pass, I feel Cosima's body relaxing on top of me, our legs a tangle of limbs, and all that I can think of is how right this feels. How I never want to let go, how I desire to have the ability to freeze time and stop the world from spinning. Cosima takes a shaky breath and I wonder what's on her mind, if she feels the same way or if she's just being polite and simply enduring this moment of peace for the sake of not leaving my bed immediately.
I open my mouth to say something, anything, but I'm not able to voice my concerns. As much as I don't want to think about it, my mind is screaming at me: You're scared! You're scared that your fears will be confirmed the moment the silence is broken! My heart starts to race with the possibility of losing her, that as soon as I let her go, she will walk away from this and never look back. Unconsciously my arms tighten around Cosima's torso and I pull her closer until I can almost will myself to believe she'll never step away, that this is how it's going to be from now on. That this was the solution to all our problems, our misunderstandings, our incredibly inability to communicate with each other unless is through hurtful words or lustful kisses.
However, I know better than that. Even as I feel Cosima's body easily melt into mine, not pulling away like my tight embrace is unwelcome, but instead returning it with equal fervor, matching my eagerness. Now, more than ever, I'm aware that I have no idea what's on her mind, how she'll react the moment we have to face the consequences of our actions. And we will have to. It doesn't matter if it's something that neither of us want to do. There will come a moment when we'll be forced to evaluate what has happened; if not by ourselves, at least by everything and everyone around us.
"Cosima…" I start, although I don't really know what I'll say. But I don't have time for it to consume me.
"Not yet!" She says, her voice soft but determined. And it's Cosima who's squeezing my ribs to the point that becomes hard for me to pull air into my lungs.
Not yet what? I want to ask her. It would be a way for me to begin to understand her if… if… if she let me in? If Cosima resists the sweet comfort that lies can often bring? If I'm prepared to hear all possible answers to the many questions that suddenly surface in my mind? I'm not, of course. I don't think I'll ever be. But at least for now I have a good excuse to ignore it.
I kiss the top of her head, brushing my fingers over the coarse dreads that are spread along my upper torso, the loose knot she tied earlier didn't last long. "Okay…" I whisper in a hoarse voice.
Cosima kisses the top of my shoulder gently and turns around, but stays on top of me, her back pressed against my torso. My hands move to her stomach and the random patterns I was tracing on her back are reproduced on her belly, until she captures my hands with her own and brings it to her lips, planting a soft kiss on each finger. It's not until then that I notice the rings absent from her fingers and look at my nightstand seeing the three rings she had next to her glasses. When did she remove them?
There was so much I was unaware of, the entire experience as a whole is seared on my mind, but the little details are starting to get fuzzy. The way it felt to have her lips brush my ear as she coaxed every drop of pleasure from my body. How amazing it was to have Cosima respond to my every move like she could read my mind, like she knew what I wanted even before I knew it myself.
The idea that soon this would be no more than a memory breaks my heart. I release my hand from her grasp and bring it to her cheek, pulling her head up while lower my own and immediately bring our lips together, kissing her methodically in a futile attempt to be sure that I'll always remember exactly how it feels; not because I would be able to describe it with words, but how it really feels. I want to be able to feel her lips moving softly against mine every time I remember this moment. My free arm encircles her waist, my fingers splayed over her hipbone, brushing lightly. Cosima's arm reaches up, her fingers tangling in my hair, not too hard, but firmly I feel her pull me to her.
"Delphine…" She groans when we part momentarily for air. The tone of her voice is dangerously laced with desire and her hips thrust downwards as my hand curls around it tensely.
Cosima's body is moving over mine and it suddenly occurs to me that, while I was thoroughly satisfied, Cosima's own cravings were left unattended. She must be feeling uncomfortable to say the least and, although I really don't know what to do, I know I need to do something. I let go of her hip and slid my hand along the expanse of skin of her abdomen, when I reach the center my hand stops.
I'm trying to be smooth, but the nerves are getting the best of me and I can feel my hand tremble. All I can do is hope Cosima doesn't feel the hesitation of my movements. But of course she does. If the fact that she held her breath for a few seconds weren't enough proof, her hand covering my own sure does. And now she's turning back around, her hand supporting her weight as Cosima's body loses contact with mine for the first time since we reached my bed.
"It's okay Delphine." She says softly against my lips, giving a quick brush, before she leaves my bed.
I watch her walk out of my bedroom, not bothering to put on any clothes. Why would she anyway? We're alone, and it's not like it's something I've not seen. Yet, the unfettered way she's moving around leaves me off balance. She's the first lover I've had that felt that free the first time we had sex. She's comfortable in her own body, her legs carrying her lightly to the bathroom and I see her close the door from where I'm lying. I resist the temptation to put some clothes on myself, don't even think about putting the bedsheets over my body. I don't want her to think I'm feeling self-conscious, although, at some level, I am. And it's not that I don't feel comfortable with her around, it's just the way I've always acted before. And I stupidly wonder how much of that is imposed by society: the rules of acceptable behavior. I snort at the idea. Why should I even care? I'm blissfully alone with Cosima in my house, after sharing my bed with her.
Whatever she was doing, it didn't take long and she's already leaving the bathroom and stops, leaning on the frame of my bedroom door, her eyes gazing my body with unabashed attention. But I can see the wheels turning, there's definitely something on her mind. After a few failed attempts, Cosima finally seems to gather the courage to speak.
"You want to talk about it." It's an affirmation. One that she's clearly not pleased to voice.
I swallow all my previous doubts, at least for the time being. "I want you to get back in bed." I say with equal determination.
She puts the entire weight back on her feet and gives a few steps in. "Delphine…" My name on her lips sounding like a warning filled with promises.
I extend my arm, inviting her closer. "Viens ici, Cosima…"
She smiles teasingly, her tongue poking between her teeth, as she crosses the room and takes my hand, which I yank playfully until she drops heavily on the bed with a giggle. "Just because you asked so nicely." She jokes, as she places her hand on my shoulder, encouraging me to lay down.
Instead, I pin her to the mattress. I want to take the opportunity to feel every curve, every swell, every shape of her body.
"Vraiment?" I ask, my lips brushing the top of her shoulder.
She smirks when our eyes meet again, at the same time I'm releasing her hands, which she keeps over her head. I'm not sure if she knows what's on my mind, but Cosima seems to be in the mood to entertain me. With my left arm supporting me, I move the back of my right hand to graze her cheek. As my lips follow, I feel Cosima's fingers go to the nape of my neck, and I pull away slowly, lest she reads my movement as rejection and hold her hand on my own.
"You really don't know how to stay still, do you?"
She arches her brows. "Do you want me to?"
I take an unreasonable amount of time thinking about it. "No." I finally decide. "I love the way you move." I add without thought, letting her hand go free.
Cosima laughs quietly. "Why?" Curiosity painting her expression.
"I don't know… I just do." I say. My lips descending to her neck and my hand moving even lower.
If she had any retort to make after that, it dies on her lips the moment my fingers graze the swell of her breast. For a few seconds she stops breathing again, but as I explore further I feel Cosima relax under my touch. I take the fullness of her breast into my hand and lower my mouth, spreading soft kisses along the swell, until I roll my tongue flat over her nipple; feeling it tighten with the attention.
Her back arches and she places a hand on the back of my head, holding me in place as she groans, her hips thrusting up, meeting nothing but air. I know that she needs me to do something, anything to ease her desire. And it's not that I'm not eager; I am. Perhaps too eager. That's the problem. However, right now, I'm determined to not make the same mistake. I will myself to go slow, to etch in my mind every little detail.
I pull my head away and Cosima releases the smallest of whimpers, but her hand slides to cup my cheek softly, her touch lightly caressing as our lips meet tenderly. I give her breast one last, gentle squeeze before I continue my perusal. Our eyes meet briefly before I let my gaze drop to where my hand is exploring, experimenting with delicate strokes of my fingertips. The muscles of her stomach quiver lightly, goosebumps appearing in the wake of my touch.
I'm amazed at how soft her skin feels, silky smooth, that I scratch lightly, receiving a melodious moan in return. Where I was used to finding hard angles and rough edges, I now find curved lines and gracious slopes. My hand smooths its way to her hip and she twitches once more. Her thumb under my chin forces my eyes up and I find her gaze heavy and full of longing. Cosima smiles wickedly as the same finger moves to my bottom lip and frees it from the lock my teeth had on it.
"So… What do you think?" She asks amused, her voice raspy.
A grin traces my lips. "I like it." I say, lowering my head to nip at her lower lip, my leg shifting between her thighs, but I keep our bodies from touching, supporting my weight with my arms on either side of her head. "Dis-moi qu'est tu aimes." I whisper next to her ear.
Cosima groans again as her body dances beneath me. "Now I know you're speaking French just to tease me." Both hands moving down to my waist and pulling.
"Tell me what you like." I allow a moment of brief sobriety, choosing my words carefully before I lower my hips and, with a moan, feel her wet center connect with the flushed skin of my thigh.
Cosima's body is spread beneath me, without reservations as she openly offers herself to me. Her hands move to my cheeks, keeping my curls from falling in front of my eyes. "Delphine, if you don't do something about it, I will." She states clearly, but with a slight tremble to her voice.
Her eyes find mine and I don't avoid the gaze. She's brazen in the way she expresses her need and I wouldn't ask for anything less. I don't want her to hide under the "you don't have to do this" or the "I'm totally fine with only giving", because as much as I know that if I asked, she would do it. I know that's not what she needs. I've never met anyone who would be completely satisfied in those circumstances. And more to the point, that's not what I want.
"Tell me, then." I say. I know my stare shows nothing of the nervousness I'm feeling in a small corner of myself, since it's my desire that overshadows everything else.
If Cosima can sense any of that nervousness she does not acknowledge it. I think she wants me to focus on the much larger part of me that wants nothing but to overcome it. Slowly she raises herself, staying almost in a seated position with me on my knees in front of her. She smiles softly, the teasing gone in the wake of the moment, as her hand which remained on my face moves to twist a loose curl around her fingers. Lifting her chin, Cosima's lips seek mine as I easily dip my head to link our mouths, meticulously moving over each other. Cosima's tongue is bold in its invasion and I don't even consider putting up any sort of defense. With the shifting, my knee presses into the warmest part of her body and feel her moan against my mouth, her hips rotating in search of a more satisfying contact.
My arm around her waist pulls her closer, making her gasp again, her hips undulating against my thigh, while my right hand cups her cheek, our lips soft on one another. It's not long before I'm moving with her, our bodies in unison, our chests brushing together, the friction provoking another wave of heat all over my skin. But it's different this time and it's the idea of taking what she has to offer that floods my mind. My kisses become more demanding, the longing in me turning them into a sloppy mess along her lips, her cheeks. I lick her jawline and reach her ear, my teeth nibble lightly the tip.
"Dis-moi!" My voice is nothing but a breathy whisper.
My hand on the back of her neck curls firmly and Cosima drops her head, her lips brush along my neck until she bites softly the top of my shoulder. The arm around her waist drags her even closer, my thigh becoming soaked with her arousal as I match the strokes of her hips. I drop my hand and cup her breast, fondling it greedily, carelessly, enjoying the feeling of her nipple hardening at my touch.
"Fuck, Delphine." Cosima gasps, her voice catching at every syllable.
Her hand covers my own, squeezing her chest none too gently, before she tentatively starts to guide it down, my touch never leaving her skin. She drags our hands down, her fingers covering mine and not letting go, making sure my hand is in full contact with her warm flesh. She hesitates and looks me in the eyes, seeking confirmation that this is what I want, that she's not crossing a line.
I bring our foreheads together. "Laissez-moi." I say as my left hand catches the wrist of the one still over mine and lace our fingers together.
I complete the journey on my own and I don't even need to touch her to feel the radiating heat. But when I finally do, when, after a shallow breath, I slide a single finger between her folds and find her slick and swollen, so hot that if I didn't know any better I would believe Cosima was on fire, my eyes roll to the back of my head and I moan deeply.
Cosima wraps her arms around my neck, her hips rolling at the feeling of my fingers as I experiment with soft touches. My finger finds her clit and I graze it gently and she propels forward and I feel her taking a sharp breath against the skin of my neck. A pleased smirk on my lips as the notion that I'm the one responsible for this reaches my intoxicated mind, followed by a coil on the apex of my thighs.
I lean forward, my longer frame allowing me to easily lay her back and press her into the mattress, while she offers no resistance. My fingers grow bolder and more audacious on their strokes, but I avoid directly stimulating her clit. Something tells me that it would be too much and Cosima wouldn't last much longer if I did it, not with the amount of wetness collecting on my hand. The thought makes me smile impishly again and this time she catches it and returns a grin of her own while her hands pull my head down.
Our lips meet, but she moves her mouth to my ear. "You're so fucking sexy when you're focused on something."
I moan at the sound of her raspy voice, my tongue strokes along her neck and instinctively two of my fingers slide easily inside. An entirely different type of heat envelops me the moment I feel her, soft and liquid hot and I can't help a thrust of my hips. Cosima rolls her hips to meet my touch, her back arching slightly and a sharp "fuck" drops from her lips.
I stop, but leave my fingers inside her warm walls. "Is this okay?" I ask lowly in a rough voice, suddenly preoccupied that maybe I should've asked before.
"Oh God, yes!" She groans and nods eagerly, licking her lips while her arms wrap around my neck. "Just don't stop."
This time my smile is deliberately wicked and I press my forehead against hers, whispering. "It didn't even cross my mind." And I give a slow, but deeply languid stroke, feeling molten walls tighten around my fingers.
It's a sensory overload; Cosima's low moans reaching my ear and her breathing brushing sharply against the burning skin of my neck and shoulder. Her intoxicating scent invades my nostrils and with every graze of my lips on her skin I taste the sweetness of her along with the saltiness. My strokes grow more feverish into her and the little restraint I had vanishes. It's as if she keeps pulling me into her, drowning myself in her, deeper and deeper, with every thrust of my digits the walls around them contract harder, as if she doesn't want me to pull back. Cosima wraps her legs around my thighs and, with the heels of her feet locked around me, encourages me to move faster, her hips crashing against my hand.
I open my eyes and look down at her and it's like she can sense my stare, raising her head just enough for our lips to meet softly. With a pang in my heart, this is the moment I realize that I'm in too deep. The sudden notion that someone else can have her in this way is unbearable.
This thought, instead of slowing my actions, gives a new energy to my tiring limbs. I push harder into her, going knuckle deep with the help of my thigh pressed against my hand, quickening my pace. Cosima quickly matches my rhythm and when I pull out to bring my fingers to her clit, without much warning starting to brush it with intent her, hands leave my neck and scratch their way along my back. I shiver and plunge back into her, her hips raising, with the soles of her feet flat on the mattress, making the movement that much faster.
I feel Cosima's fingers gripping the supple flesh of my ass and pulling me down at such a maddening pace that I struggle to keep up. I don't slow down; not when I can feel her getting closer, her walls squeezing my fingers inside her, a glorious sheen of sweat on her skin, her mouth agape searching for air, her moans increasingly louder.
There's a dark corner of my mind that tells me that I have to prove myself to her, that I need to show her that she doesn't need anything else… anyone else. That I'm enough for her, that she can go without anyone else's touch but my own. I wish I could say that I'm strong enough to ignore that idea, that that's not what drives me to keep up with her fast thrusts, but I would be lying.
And I'm right back at the beginning, when Cosima pushed all my buttons and I fought to hold my own. However this once I have an edge and an instinct to take full advantage of it. In my next thrust I make my thumb roll along her center and press her clit when I find it.
"Fuck, babe…" Cosima's voice hoarse on my neck. Her hands keep me from moving back up and I feel the arousal around my fingers grow.
Still I manage to pull out and in one last time, her clit being vigorously attended to. "Mon nom…" I swallow fast, panting along with her. "Say my name!" The same request she has made before comes to my lips, but I know that my intentions are much deeper than to tease her, that it comes from a darker place that I have no power to ignore.
Cosima's hips slam against my hand erratically, her head thrown back but I can still see the wave of pleasure crossing her features as she tumbles to the other side. There's nothing quite like it. I marvel at the sudden peace that appears on her expression, as a gentle smile graces her lips.
I let her have her moment, but already feel a heavy cloud forming over me. When I carefully remove my fingers Cosima opens her eyes and I see the glee fast disappearing, maybe she can sense the abrupt change in my mood.
"Mmmm... Delphine." She mumbles, her hands reaching my cheeks and pulling our foreheads together.
I meet her stare and she offers me a soft smile. For a moment I think Cosima will say something else, but she shakes her head slightly before she raises her lips to plant a gentle peck on my lips and hides her face on the curve of my neck. My arms can no longer support me and I let myself fall softly over her, slowly sliding lower until I can rest my head on her shoulder, feeling Cosima's fingers lightly massage my scalp, making me sigh and leisurely drift into a calmer state of mind.
In no time I'm fighting to keep my eyes open. Cosima's tender touch on my head while the fingers of her other hand roll up and down my spine has me completely at ease. The realization that it doesn't take much for Cosima to calm me gives me a brief pause before I let the seductive pull of sleep take over me.
"Oh fuck!" Cosima's explicative is not loud, but it's enough to make me open my eyes. "We are so late!" She explains, but there's a lack of urgency in her words.
I lazily look at my bedside clock and see that she is absolutely correct. We were due in the lab 15 minutes ago.
"Merde! I have that meeting, I can't be late." I say, but make no move to get out of bed, I just turn my eyes away from the clock.
My head shakes along with Cosima's torso as she chuckles. "We're already late." She says, her hands not stopping on their slow caress.
"I know…" I mutter, still unmoving.
"Yes… We could've chosen a better day for this."
"I don't think there was much choice involved." I comment low without thinking and she hums in response. "You know we have to talk about this, right?" I finally gather the courage to say, after a few minutes of silence.
Her hands pause over my skin and I feel her take a deep breath, but she remains quiet. I raise my head and look at her and, while she doesn't avert her eyes, I sense something in her demeanor change, her gaze loses the softness it held since she approached me in the living room. I raise one of my hands to her face and stroke her cheek.
"Lets not fight, Cosima." I say quietly and I see her expression relax a bit. "Lets try this new thing where we can actually have a conversation." She smiles and moves her face to kiss the fingers which are brushing her cheek. "Can we try that?"
Cosima nods slowly. "Yes, lets try that."
She raises her head and we seal our promise with a kiss.