Chapter 36: Only Human

Chapter title and soundtrack song: "Only Human" by Jason Mraz.

A/N: Thank you to my Beta Mia for her careful eye and encouragement! And thanks for J.T. for everything that inspired this chapter.

Time: Memorial Day 2017

"I'm so glad we actually got our act together to visit!" Brittany said as she hugged Brian goodbye.

Brittany and Santana had managed to make a day trip to Boston to visit Kelsey and Brian. They would have loved to stay overnight, but had opted for a long afternoon of catching up over burgers and beer due to their chaotic work and school schedules. Because they were only going for the day, they had invited Elinor and Sophie, thinking it would be a fun combination of friends to introduce. They had been right – Kelsey, Brian, Elinor and Sophie got along famously.

"Seriously, you two have no excuse to not visit more often!" Kelsey reprimanded with a smile. "It seems like you just got here, and you're leaving already. Not cool."

"I know, I know!" Santana apologized. "We miss being around the greatest lesbro-gay-mance that ever existed. But they keep me buried in coursework in New Haven, and Britt's work schedule is so erratic..."

"Annnd there are the excuses again," said Brian, shaking his head. "Tsk, tsk."

"I'm sorry!" Santana pleaded, laughing.

"Oh, my gawd, did you hear that? Santana Lopez just apologized for something," Brian feigned surprise.

"Yeah, call the snark police," Elinor said, "she's losing her game."

"I better get her home before she morphs completely into a proper lady," Brittany teased, hugging Kelsey as the group walked to the car. "Thanks for the food and the company; it was koala-tea as always."

"Our pleasure, ladies," Brian lilted. "Come back soon, and bring these two with you again next time," he said, pointing to Elinor and Sophie. "Elinor, do you want to take the rest of the beer you brought? God knows I don't need it going to my gut," offered Brian, patting his toned, flat stomach.

"No thanks," Elinor said, waving her hand. "Consider it our 'nice to meet you' gift."

"You sure?"

"Positive."

"Well, thank you, ladies, it was a pleasure meeting you. Brittany, Santana, stay badass."

"Bye!" they all called to each other as they loaded into the car.

They had been cruising down the interstate for about ten minutes when Don't Stop Believin' came on the radio.

"Oh my god, I love this song!" cried Sophie. "Turn it up, San!"

"Don't call her San," Brittany warned. "She doesn't like that nickname."

Santana kept her hands firmly on the steering wheel, thankful Brittany had spoken up.

"Oh, whatever, she'll live," Sophie dismissed. "Turn it up!"

Brittany reached for the dial, turning it just a bit. Sophie began singing along boisterously.

Brittany and Santana of all people had a special fondness for Journey, but bad backseat karaoke was not their favorite way to reminisce their Glee Club glory days. Santana glanced into the backseat in the rearview mirror.

Elinor put her hand on Sophie's knee and said quietly, "I think that's a little loud, baby."

"Aw, you're no fun. Sing along, Eli!"

Elinor just moved her hand away and looked out the window.

Sophie kept singing loudly until the song faded. Santana was relieved; she was tired from the drive there and from the excitement of seeing Kelsey and Brian again. It was also quite warm, and her skin prickled in the spots where the air conditioning hadn't evened out the temperature in the car yet.

"You know what other Journey song I really love?" Sophie mused. "I really love Remember Me."

"Hm, I don't know that one," Brittany said, only half interested.

"Oh, it's awesome!" Sophie began belting, "Say goodbye, close your eyes, remember meeee! Walk away, the song remains, remember meeee!"

"I can't believe our high school show choir director never subjected us to that lovely number," Santana said in her most deliciously condescending voice.

"Could you please pull over?" Elinor asked with a hint of urgency.

"Sure," agreed Santana. She had no idea why Elinor had asked, but the thought of sitting still for a moment without the road vibrating under her sounded appealing. She pulled onto the shoulder of the interstate.

Elinor opened her door as the car came to a standstill and got out. She shut the door and folded her arms tightly under her chest, walking away from the car along the interstate. Santana watched her in the rearview mirror as she gradually slowed her steps and stood with her back to the car.

After a few moments Sophie let out a dramatic sigh as she unbuckled her seatbelt and opened her door. "Ugh, what is her problem. I'll go get her."

"No, I think we should-" Brittany's objection was cut off by the door slamming. "Never mind, then," she muttered.

"Sophie seems a little…" drunk, Santana thought, "… feisty."

"Is that what they call it now?" asked Brittany.

Santana watched in the rearview mirror as Sophie approached Elinor.

"Something tells me this is gonna go super well," Santana scoffed.

"No kidding," Brittany said, watching in the side view mirror.

They watched as Sophie walked up behind Elinor, wrapping her arms around her. Elinor tried to shrug her off, but Sophie was persistent. What followed appeared to be a heated argument, viewed by Brittany and Santana as a silent movie in the mirrors. They might have been able to hear what the girls were saying if it hadn't been for the cars whooshing by every few seconds on the two-lane interstate beside them. Elinor gesticulated wildly while Sophie kept reaching toward Elinor, trying to hug her or touch her arms, a smile and a pleading look on Sophie's face. Elinor pointed to the car forcefully, her face stern and angry. Sophie folded her arms indignantly, pouting. Elinor walked a few paces further from the car. Sophie spun on her heels and scuffed back to the car haughtily. She climbed in the backseat, shutting the door.

"Party Pooper will be back in a moment. She just needs a minute to take the stick out of her ass."

Santana glanced sideways at Brittany, raising her eyebrows, saying nothing. She looked into the rearview mirror and watched as Elinor kicked a few pebbles off the shoulder of the road. Sighing, Elinor turned and walked towards them. Santana examining her fingernails as Elinor opened the door, pretending she hadn't been watching.

"Sorry about that," said Elinor in a forced casual tone, climbing in.

"Hey El, want to switch seats with me?" Brittany offered from the passenger's seat. "Santana has some legal stuff she wants to talk about."

"Sure," said Elinor, readily ducking back out.

Brittany and Elinor switched seats, buckling in without conversation. Elinor reached for the radio and turned it to the classical station. They drove back to New Haven without much conversation. Brittany, bless her, made comments about things as they passed, and Santana tried to pick up the thread of conversation. But with Elinor fidgeting in the passengers' seat and Sophie scowling out her window next to Brittany, it was a tense two hours.

"Hey, where's Sophie?" Brittany asked as she slid onto her stool around the bar table two weeks later. "She never misses Girls' Night."

"Not coming," Elinor dismissed.

"Everything okay?" Santana asked, eying Elinor.

Elinor shrugged as she motioned to the waiter.

"Want to talk about it?" Brittany offered.

"I guess…" started Elinor. "It feels weird to talk about her with you guys, though. Like I'm cheating in a way. Not cheating cheating, but… kind of betraying her."

"That's valid," said Santana, shrugging.

"Yeah…" said Brittany with hesitation. "But… relationships aren't these little sequestered things we keep separate from the rest of the world. Of course there are things you keep sacred between you… but we're around other people and sometimes we need their support. You can talk to us. We're not gonna blab."

Elinor sighed, folding a bar napkin into triangles.

"Sophie's fantastic. She's fun and smart and passionate and gorgeous and I really, really love her."

"We know that," Santana assured. "But that doesn't mean she never does things that piss you off. So cut the preamble and spill."

Elinor took a deep breath and shut her eyes. "I don't like how much she drinks."

"You mean what happened a few weeks ago on the way back from Boston?" Santana asked.

Elinor shook he head. "Not just that. There have been a lot of things like that."

"Well… I've only ever seen her drink when we were all out together and we all got toasted. It didn't seem that out of the ordinary the other week," Santana remarked.

"I know. She hides it pretty well the rest of the time," mumbled Elinor, eyes still on her napkin.

Brittany glanced at Santana, as though asking her to give Elinor space to talk without commentary.

"It's okay to talk about, Elinor," Brittany encouraged in a soft, low voice. "If you're worried about it, we're here to support you. You were our friend first and we'll take your side every time."

Santana knew that Brittany had technically met Elinor and Sophie at the same time, but with that statement, Brittany had indicated that she accepted and appreciated the role Elinor had had in Santana's life. Santana loved Brittany all the more for that.

"Thanks," muttered Elinor. She kept her eyes downcast as she stirred her drink, not taking the first sip.

Santana was struck by how morose Elinor seemed. Usually she was so upbeat, and even if she was tired, she smiled.

"So what's going on?" Brittany asked, her voice as gentle as ever.

Elinor took a breath, steeling herself. "Well, she drinks a lot of wine. I mean, a glass or maybe two at night is normal, right? But she has three or four… pretty much a bottle. Every night."

"That's a lot," Brittany agreed. "Especially since she's so small. I would be worried too."

"But the thing is, she always justifies it by saying she has a stressful job and needs to unwind. And she does have a stressful job… god knows I couldn't handle the little shits she teaches for even five minutes… I just wish she could find another way."

"How long has this been going on?" asked Brittany gently.

"Probably since I met her. She just hid it well, and I was so blindly in love, I didn't want to see it. That was easy before we moved in together. But then…" Elinor sighed. "Last weekend it just got out of control."

"What happened?" asked Santana. Her whole body was tuned into Elinor with concern. She had never seen Elinor so dejected and sad.

"My parents were in town and we went out to dinner. Sophie had a lot. She's not the dancing-on-tables kind of drunk, but I still knew. Her eyelids were all droopy and she was laughing really loud. She mostly held herself together until we left, but I was so mad. I don't think I've ever been that mad at her. I just wanted to have a nice meal with my family, you know?"

"Maybe she was just nervous around them?" Santana offered.

"No… she's fine with them," Elinor said with a wave of her hand. She took a breath, finding words. "I hate that I always have to be the responsible one. I can never have more than one drink because I always have to drive." Elinor's growing anger was palpable as she looked away from the table, not wanting to make eye contact.

Brittany looked at Santana, worry crossing her face like a shadow. Santana knew that face; it was Brittany's protective face. Brittany looked back at Elinor.

"Hey, El?" Brittany said, reaching for Elinor's hand. "Let's have happy hour at our place today. I'll cook dinner and we can just talk."

Santana nodded in support of Brittany's suggestion.

Elinor nodded. "Okay."

An hour later, the girls sat down around the dining room table. Brittany had thrown together a delicious, simple dinner of noodles with spicy peanut sauce and steamed broccoli. She set plates in front of Santana and Elinor and took a seat in front of her own.

"Okay, so tell us what happened, El," Santana prodded. She wasn't entirely sure how to help, but she knew Brittany could pick up anything she was unsure about.

Elinor placed her napkin in her lap, smoothing it with her hands. "Well, in the in the car on the way home from dinner with my parents, she started singing all these ridiculous songs from when she was a Girl Scout or some shit - pretty much exactly what happened in the car on the way back fro Boston with you two. She was just so over the top and I almost lost it. I'm tired of her being a fucking child while I always have to be the grown-up. So I told her calmly I really needed some quiet, but she just kept pushing and pushing, trying to get me to sing along with her and telling me I was no fun and I was too serious."

Brittany had a hard time eating when she was so worried, and Elinor's food was untouched too so far. Only Santana found the distraction of food to be comforting.

Elinor continued. "When we got home, she kept talking to me in that sing-song voice and running her hands all over me. Things like 'Don't you loooove me?' and 'Baby, come on… I want to get you naked.' It was like she couldn't tell or didn't care how mad I was!"

Santana felt her stomach twist. She took another bite to calm it.

"It sounds horrible, but I felt like I was going to hit her. I was so, so angry. It was like the anger was taking over my body. I felt out of control."

Santana looked up, swallowing. "I totally know that feeling," she said. She didknow. She had certainly felt that way with several people in her life: her mother, Quinn, Lauren, Azimio, and Puck, to name a few. She had actually hit Quinn and Lauren.

Brittany nodded. "Me too."

Santana was shocked. Brittany was such a gentle, nonviolent person, she couldn't imagine her getting angry to the point of wanting to hit someone.

Brittany continued. "It's such a fine line. We can believe we have all the self-control in the world, but when big feelings like that come up, we don't always. That doesn't make it okay, but it makes it more… understandable, I guess."

Santana nodded in agreement.

Elinor exhaled in relief. "I'm glad you guys don't think I'm a monster." She took her first bite of food.

"Of course not," assured Santana. She had never felt older than Elinor, but tonight she did. Elinor seemed young and fragile.

Elinor swallowed and continued, a little less cautiously than before. "Sophie didn't come tonight is because we got in another argument. The day after that dinner with my parents, we had a long talk and agreed we wouldn't keep alcohol in the house anymore, and that we would take turns driving when we went out. But that only lasted a week. She called me on my way home today and just nonchalantly asked me to pick up a few bottles of wine for the house."

"That was shitty of her," Santana scoffed.

"I know, right?" Elinor said, holding up her hand. "And this isn't the first time. We agreed not to keep alcohol in the house twice before. But I'm starting to think she only agrees because she feels bad the day after we get in a fight."

"Is she usually like we saw in the car, just being really loud and goofy, or is she angry and emotional?" asked Santana

"Not usually. Once she got really angry, but usually her eyes get droopy and she's a little silly. She's not hard to be around if she isn't amped up from being around a bunch of people. But when I have a bad day or just want to spend quality time with her, she's not available. I feel kind of… alone." Elinor's eyes fell to her napkin again and Santana's heart clenched. Elinor of all people deserved someone who was available to her. Elinor was a very loving person.

"What happened when you agreed not to keep alcohol in the house before?" asked Brittany, taking a sip of her water.

"She asked me to pick up wine on my way home, just like this time."

"And did you?" asked Santana.

Elinor paused before nodding timidly, eyes still on her lap. She looked embarrassed. Santana's heart broke for her.

"I know I shouldn't have," Elinor sighed. "I just don't want to make her mad. I know it sounds dramatic, but Sophie makes me feel absolutely crazy. Sometimes when we're together we're so connected and I'm like yes, this is the woman I love!" she said, a smile briefly dancing across her face. Then it fell. "But sometimes I look at her and wonder how I can ever trust her. I never know how I'll feel around her. If this were the first time something like this had happened, it wouldn't have been a big deal. But twice before she broke our agreement, and stuff like what you saw at Memorial Day happens all the time, and I just… I dunno, all this anger just keeps building up. She's always making promises, and we'll be good for a week, but then it ends and I feel crazy and angry again."

"I'm so sorry, El…" Santana murmured. She really had no idea things were strained between Elinor and Sophie. They seemed happy to the outside world. She had no idea what to say.

"The person you're building your life with shouldn't make you feel crazy, sweetie," Brittany said gently, putting her hand on Elinor's arm.

"I know…" Elinor said, a conflicting mixture of indignation and guilt crossing her face. "And to make things worse, our anniversary was three days ago and she gave me…" she stopped and sighed as she lifted her wrist out of her lap and revealed a sterling silver tennis bracelet. "She gave me this."

"How does that make things worse?" asked Santana, brows furrowed as she examined what was probably a very expensive bracelet, especially for Sophie, who eked by on her teacher's salary.

"Because… because how could I be so angry at someone who is so generous to me?" Elinor said, words catching in her throat. She lifted her hand to cover her eyes as they teared up. The diamonds in the bracelet sparkled. It was quiet for a moment as Elinor sniffled.

"People we love bring out the strongest feelings in us," Santana said quietly. "Being angry doesn't mean you don't love her."

Though her body was still turned toward Elinor, Brittany gave Santana and adoring smile. With that single look, Santana knew Brittany thought she was being a good friend. If Elinor was hurting, Santana wanted to do whatever she could to make her feel better.

When Elinor had gone, Santana cleared the table. After scraping the dishes and putting the food away, she went back into the living room. Brittany sat motionless on the couch.

"Britt?" Santana saw her eyes boring through the floor, seeing something not actually in the room. She softened, not wanting to startle her. "You okay?"

Brittany nodded, eyes still transfixed on the images playing beneath the carpet. Santana sat next to her, knowing she would speak when she was ready. She didn't have to wait long.

"Did I ever tell you about my dad?" Brittany asked, her voice coming from whatever memory had captivated her.

"What about him, love?"

"My dad's an alcoholic."

Santana frowned. She was certain Brittany was confused. There was no way the sweet, stately man she knew as Brittany's dad had a drinking problem. She had been around him a lot and had never seen him drunk. "Um… he is?"

Brittany kept nodding. "Yeah."

"But Britt… I've never seen him drink."

Brittany regained animation and looked at Santana. "Oh, I know. He's been sober since before I was born," she said proudly.

"Oh," Santana said, a little embarrassed. "I didn't know."

"He used to talk about it with me a lot. Especially in high school when he knew I was partying. I even went to a meeting with him once."

"Like A.A.?"

"Yeah. It was cool. I learned a lot."

"How has this never come up in all the years I've known you?" Santana asked, bewildered.

Brittany shrugged. "It's not something we make a big deal of. It's just another thing I love about my dad. I'm so proud of him. Being sober for twenty-five years is a big accomplishment."

Santana had many questions, but she wasn't sure which were okay to ask. She didn't know anyone who was open about being a recovering alcoholic or addict.

Brittany's eyes were fixed on the wall above Santana's head, lost in thought. "I was thinking of telling Elinor about Al-Anon. I think she could really use it."

"You mean Sophie," Santana corrected.

"No, I mean Elinor."

"Elinor doesn't have a drinking problem," Santana frowned.

"Al-Anon isn't for alcoholics; AA is for recovering alcoholics, but Al-Anon is for people who are around alcoholics. Family and friends and stuff. My mom went when my dad was in early recovery. It's a place for them to talk about feeling crazy and out of control and angry and all those things Elinor was talking about, where other people understand. Because yeah, she has us, but we don't really know what she's going through. We can only support her so much. I think she needs other people who get it. Maybe we can talk to my dad and see if he has any advice on how to help her."

"Your dad always has advice," Santana smiled. "He's the perfect person to talk to."

"Let's Skype him," Brittany suggested, reaching for her computer and looking at the clock. "He's still up."

"Right now?"

"Yeah, why not?" Brittany said, opening her laptop. "He'd love to talk to us."

"Well you can talk to him about it, but I'd feel weird..."

"Psh, come on, you're like his third daughter."

"But I didn't know he was a… a…" Santana stammered.

"Recovering alcoholic," Brittany supplied.

"Yeah, that, until you told me two minutes ago. It feels strange to just start asking him for advice when he's never told me anything about it."

"I'm sure he'd be happy to share his story," Brittany said, opening the Skype application. "Or we could just ask about how to help Elinor."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive," said Brittany.

The electronic dial tone sounded shriller than usual as they waited for Gordon to accept the incoming video chat. He answered, his round face flickering a few times before the connection was steady. "Britt-bee!" he grinned. "How are you?"

"Hi, dad," Brittany smiled back, waving.

Santana leaned closer to Brittany so she was in the camera shot. "Hi Gordon!" she chirped, waving.

"And Santana, too! I got a two-for-one. Boy, does this make my day."

"How are you?" asked Brittany.

"I'm doing well! Your mother and I were just talking about Hayley and her college applications. She's stressed out, but we know she'll find her way. It's all part of her path."

"She will," Brittany assured. "She's smart, she just needs to calm down sometimes. But I was actually calling to talk to you about something related to your path."

"Something involving Bill W.?" Gordon asked with a grin.

"Yup," Brittany said. "We're worried about our friend."

Santana turned towards Brittany and whispered, "Who's Bill W.?"

Brittany turned and answered, "He's the guy that founded A.A."

Gordon chimed in, "People use his name to be discreet when talking about their sobriety. A code word, really, just like in the LGBT community. So what's going on, ladies?"

Brittany and Santana recounted what they had witnessed on their trip to Boston with Elinor and Sophie, as well as what Elinor had told them over dinner that night. Gordon listened intently, asking clarifying questions, nodding and at times biting his bottom lip in concern.

"Well, it certainly sounds like Sophie's got a problem," Gordon sighed when they finished recounting Elinor's side of the story.

"You think?" Santana asked. She was surprised to hear it stated so plainly. "I mean, she seems like she has her act together…"

"Some alcoholics do!" Gordon laughed. "It's usually not what you see in the movies. Not everyone is falling down and blacking out. Some people do lose their jobs or get a few DUIs, but not everyone. Alcoholism isn't measured by its consequences."

"What is it measured by?" asked Santana. Had Gordon been anyone else, she wouldn't have felt comfortable being so upfront about her lack of knowledge on the subject – on any subject. But Gordon was as warm and friendly as his daughter.

"It's measured by someone's ability to consistently control their drinking. Many alcoholics go through periods of control, but then slip out of it again. Just like the pattern Elinor described to you."

Santana nodded, thinking.

"I was just explaining Al-Anon to Santana," Brittany piped up. "I was thinking we could tell Elinor about it, and maybe even go with her to a meeting."

"Has she ever used the word alcoholic to talk about Sophie?" Gordon asked.

"No," Brittany and Santana said at the same time.

Gordon nodded in thought. "Well, going to Al-Anon would mean she'd have to admit Sophie is an alcoholic, or at the very least, someone who has a drinking problem. That label isn't one you want to give to someone you love. So if you do suggest it, it needs to be in a very gentle, loving way."

"I'll leave that to Brittany, then," said Santana, rubbing Brittany's thigh and giving Brittany a smile. "She's the master of gentle and loving. I'm more of a sledgehammer."

Gordon chuckled. "And that's why it works with you two. Well, it's been a pleasure talking to you, but I'm afraid I'm getting old and if I don't get to bed soon, I'll fall asleep on the keyboard."

"Okay. Thanks so much, dad. And would you mind sharing your recovery story with Santana some other time?"

"You mean I haven't yet?" Gordon asked, eyebrows jumping up his forehead. "I thought for sure she heard it at some point."

"I didn't even know you were in recovery until half an hour ago," Santana said, shrugging. "And I would have remembered your recovery story. All your stories are memorable."

"Well I guess you learn something new every day, huh?" Gordon smiled. "Don't hesitate to call if you have more questions or just want to say hi to your old man. I'm always here."

Brittany and Santana grinned.

"Thanks Gordon! Goodnight."

"Bye daddy! Love you!"

Brittany closed her laptop.

Santana sighed. "I can't believe Sophie of all people… She's just such a good person. She works hard teaching kids no one wants to teach and gets paid shit for it. How can she, someone who's practically a human saint, be an alcoholic?"

"Lots of good people are alcoholics, Santana," Brittany said with a frown. "Look at my dad."

"I know, but he's been sober for almost three decades…" Santana argued.

Brittany pursed her lips. "He was still a good person before he got sober. He must have been, otherwise my mom wouldn't have loved him so much."

Santana paused and was struck with an epiphany: no one could ever be singularly defined by a characteristic that stood out about them. Gordon couldn't be defined by being in recovery – otherwise she would have known his history sooner. Sophie couldn't be defined by her current drinking problem. Elinor couldn't be defined by her career or her relationship. Brittany couldn't be defined as Santana's girlfriend. And Santana couldn't be defined by being a lesbian anymore than she could be defined by being a woman or a law student or a Latina. No one could be singularly defined by a characteristic that stood out about them, and yet it was her own fear that people would label her as such that had prevented her from coming out sooner. Why couldn't everyone have Brittany's ability to see the whole, rather than focusing on one figure in the sum of someone's many different parts?

"You're right, B," Santana said, her tone apologetic. "He must have been a good person back then, too. There's so much more to him than being in recovery. He's your dad, he's a good husband, a retired businessman, a volunteer librarian, a golfer… I guess it's easier to just think of him as Gordon rather than trying to force all the different pieces and labels together."

Brittany gave Santana an appreciative smile. "I'm glad you see it that way, too. And it's the same with Sophie. She's a good person - and she has drinking problem."

Santana nodded as she leaned onto Brittany's shoulder. She was suddenly thankful for many things she usually took for granted, not the least of which was her health and the stability of their relationship. "I'm really glad I have you, B," she mumbled.

A/N: If someone you know is struggling with drinking, you can find support for yourself and your loved ones at Al-Anon group meetings. Because I cannot post hyperlinks on FF without them being automatically deleted, I suggest you Google "Al-Anon" and click on the first result for more information. You're also welcome to message me about it. I love hearing from readers about anything.