Author's Note: All I can say is...I warned you all. (TW)
Chapter Thirty-Five
"It's so cute!" Spencer said as she looked at the cake Hanna made for Alex's birthday.
"And I made cookies," Hanna added as she put a plate of sugar and chocolate chip cookies on the counter.
"Hanna, we're only like a dozen people," Spencer reminded her.
"So? Birthdays are important. And the worst that could happen is that you have leftover cookies," Hanna insisted. She leaned in closer to Spencer. "Which, you know, isn't really a bad thing, considering you're now eating for two…"
Spencer shushed Hanna. "I still haven't told Toby!" she exclaimed quietly.
"Spence! When are you going to tell him?"
"Today. In fact, I went to the doctors to see how far along. Two months, apparently," she said. "I got a sonogram, too."
Hanna smiled. "Well, don't wait too long! What are you waiting for?"
Spencer bit her lip as she hesitated. "Yeah, you're right. Should I tell him now? I don't want to be rude and—"
"Oh, shut up and go tell him," Hanna interrupted.
Spencer walked into the spare room Toby used as a home office of sorts. She walked timidly. For some weird reason, she felt more girlish than ever. "Toby, there's something really important I need to tell you," she said finally as she clutched something close to her chest.
Toby looked up at her. It seemed as though he had barely noticed her slip into the room. "What is it, Spence?"
She bit her lip. "I know we haven't talked about it much yet, but…" She put the sonogram on his desk carefully. "I went to the doctor's and it's been a little more than two months."
Toby didn't know what to say. He picked up the sonogram and stared at it for a few moments. Spencer realized he was silent for entirely too long. "Please say something."
"I…Spencer…this is…" he stuttered. "I'm just…"
"Are you upset?" Spencer asked nervously.
"No! No, I'm really happy!" he insisted. "It's just…we were just talking about it not too long ago…"
"I know."
He scrutinized the sonogram again. Light as a feather, he murmured, "This is amazing." Spencer nodded as he wrapped his arms around her. "This is amazing," she heard him mumble into the side of the neck. "I guess we're going to have to start turning this into another room soon…"
Spencer smiled as she looked around the room and thought of what it would probably look like. She could practically see the powder-pink walls…
Spencer stared at Alex as she finished dressing him. For some reason, it felt different holding him now that she knew he was going to be a big brother.
"Alex…what do you think about having a baby sister?"
Alex, of course, could not answer. He just seemed to be confused by the question.
"You're going to be an older brother." The words continued to sink in. "You're going to be an older brother," she repeated.
Alex still didn't understand. Spencer just pulled him closer to her. He wrapped his little arms around her neck and began sticking his fingers in her hair. "But for now, you're my baby. You're my only son." She smiled and then pulled him away, lifting him in the air. He started to laugh. "And I'm really grateful for that right now. I know you can't understand it, but I love you." She smiled as she pulled him back into her arms and started kissing him all over. "I love you, I love you, I love you!"
A few weeks later, Hanna led Spencer into the store they'd be leasing for the bakery. "What do you think, Cavanaugh? Not too bad?" she asked.
"I really like it, Hanna. I think you picked a good spot." Spencer walked over to the windows and looked out at the street. "Especially considering how much traffic this place gets."
Hanna smiled. "Okay, so I've figured that for a little while, we're going to have to do a lot of the baking at probably my house since the kitchen is a limited space. But another reason why I loved this place is because once it takes off, we can probably buy out the guy next to us. He's on his last legs," Hanna explained.
Spencer nodded. "That is, if we take off."
"We will!" Hanna insisted. "Come on. Everyone loves what we bake. And you're good at everything. Are you telling me you can't PR?"
Spencer crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes slightly. "What are you trying to say?"
"That you can do it!" Hanna exclaimed. "Listen, once people try my cookies and cupcakes and cake, they'll practically be selling themselves. All we need to do is get people in here."
Spencer nodded. "Yeah." After a few moments, she continued looking around the room. "As much as I love the location, this place is in need of some TLC," Spencer said as she touched the walls. The paint seemed to be chipping slightly in some spots.
"I already talked to your husband and also mine about it. Caleb is pretty awful at building stuff, but he offered to help out. And obviously, Toby told me that he'd be happy to build some tables and chairs. He's so cute…"
Spencer just continued to think of what she could do to help Hanna with the place. She had to admit that she wasn't quite sure Hanna could do it. Hanna never really struck her as being the entrepreneur/business owner-type that she was now looking to be. Hanna really seemed to have it all figured out. Spencer had to admit that she was rather proud of Hanna.
"This place is going to be great," Spencer said to herself.
Spencer felt nauseous about a week later. She had stayed in bed almost all day. Toby stayed home to help her, but Spencer insisted that he stay far away from her, as she didn't want to give him her infection—and then have him give the infection to Alex. Spencer was hoping that it was simply morning sickness, but her fever suggested otherwise. She was, of course, a bit anxious, as she was pregnant and she wasn't sure how being sick would affect the fetus.
She didn't grow very concerned until she began to have abdominal cramps, sort of like she was getting her period. At this point, her fever was beginning to dissipate and Toby began rubbing her back. Eventually, this soothed her to sleep.
She woke up in the middle of the night with a very odd feeling.
To her horror, when she went to the bathroom, there was ghastly red blood. There was a lot of it, she noted as she stared at her red-stained hands. She screamed.
"Spencer? Spencer?" Toby asked just a minute later. He had clearly just gotten up, but his expression was disturbed o the point of being wide awake.
"Toby, call the doctor," she said as she looked down at her bloody hands.
"I'm taking you to the hospital," he insisted.
She normally would have argued and claimed that she was absolutely fine and it was just a weird occurrence, but she felt that this was more than just a random thing. She started to get worried. She'd never been this bloody. Immediately, she thought it might be her period, but had to remind herself that she was pregnant. Also, her period was never this heavy…
She took a deep breath as she experienced a sharp pain in her back. "Toby!" she wailed.
"Spencer, let me in," he said softly as he tapped on the door.
"Isn't it open?"
"No."
Spencer winced. She couldn't even move. She felt incapacitated by pain. As soon as it eased a little, she made her way to the door and opened it.
"I can't move," she said as she leaned against the sink of the bathroom. She could practically feel her knuckles turning white as she gripped the edge of the counter.
He brushed her hair out of her face. "I called Emily since she's the closest and she said she'd be right over to watch Alex." They both were silent and heard the door open downstairs. "She's here. Come on, Spencer." She winced at the very thought of moving. He carefully picked her up and led her downstairs. They said a terse hello and goodbye to Emily before they went to the hospital.
The nurses in the hospital gave Spencer a painkiller for the time being as they tried to figure out what was wrong with her. Spencer asked weakly if they were certain it wouldn't hurt the baby, as she was a few months pregnant. The nurses insisted it wouldn't. They ran a few tests on Spencer after the painkillers set in and she was calmer. They told Toby he could stay with Spencer and he gladly took the invitation.
"Are you feeling any better?" Toby asked Spencer as he held her hand.
She squeezed his hand. "I think I will. I'm just worried that something is wrong…"
"I don't think anything is wrong," he responded.
She bit her lip. She hoped that was true but she could never be certain.
"Tiffany called and so did Emily, Hanna, and Jason. They all want to know that you're okay."
"And what did you say?" she asked.
"I told them that the doctors were running tests and that you were feeling better."
Spencer nodded. She still had no idea what was causing her intense pain.
A few minutes later, a young nurse with reddish-brown hair and a middle-aged doctor walked into the room.
"Mrs. Cavanaugh, you said you were three months pregnant?" the nurse asked kindly as the doctor brought over an ultrasound machine.
Spencer nodded. She already felt like she wouldn't like where this was going.
"And you went to the doctor to confirm this pregnancy, right?" she inquired.
"I even got an ultrasound," Spencer said.
The nurse nodded. There was a hint of sadness evident in her eyes. "Well…Dr. Walters is just going to take an ultrasound right now." She looked like she was about to add something else, but quickly clamped her mouth shut afterwards.
Spencer reluctantly pulled up the shirt she was wearing to reveal her rather-flat stomach with just a tiny bump protruding. She nearly began to laugh when she felt the very cold gel over her stomach. The reality of the situation caught up with her and she became serious again.
The doctor had the screen facing away from Spencer and Toby. He put the ultrasound on her stomach and tried to find a heartbeat. It just sounded like a bunch of static to Spencer.
"I was afraid this was what it was," she heard the doctor mutter under his breath to the nurse. He turned off the machine. "Mr. and Mrs. Cavanaugh, I'm so sorry."
Spencer furrowed her eyebrows, like she couldn't understand what he was saying. "W-what?"
"There is no heartbeat."
"Are you sure?" Toby asked. There was desperation in his voice.
"I'm positive," the doctor said definitively. "It was a miscarriage."
She stared at her hands numbly. It was like she couldn't even feel anymore.
"We'll give you two time alone," the doctor said as he got up to leave the room.
"I'm sorry," the nurse said quietly before following the doctor out.
The both of them sat in silence for a long time. It was several minutes. Maybe even hours. Spencer didn't have a sense of time. They didn't speak at all. Toby's phone rang at least four times since they had gotten the news; he hadn't picked up once. In fact, he didn't even touch the phone. Spencer wasn't even sure he'd moved a muscle since the doctor told them.
She felt the tears dampening her shirt. She made no effort to wipe away the tears. She could feel the salt and sadness sticking to her skin like thin blue paint. It ran from her eyes down her chin and her neck into even her shirt. She just felt covered by and drowning in this ineffable anguish.
She was mad at herself, she realized. She was the only one at fault for this miscarriage. She was the one to lose the baby. What had she done wrong?
Maybe she drank more coffee than she was supposed to. Maybe she had put too much pressure on her stomach. Maybe she let stress get the best of her. She'd done something to lose this baby. She wasn't sure if she'd ever stop feeling guilty for it.
And then there was Toby.
She couldn't bring herself to look over at him and really look at him—really look at him—even just once. She'd not only done this to the baby but she did it to him too. Now he had to live with the loss of a child. How could she even bring him into this? She'd already felt so much pain from losing one child. She never imagined she'd cause someone else to feel this way.
Spencer tried telling herself that she wasn't at fault; these sort of things happened. And yet, she couldn't shake this feeling of guilt, like she enabled it to happen.
sarahschneider2012: I'm sorry. I hope you don't totally hate me?
Summer1223: I might make Hanna pregnant later on, but I'm still thinking about it...I hope you don't hate me too much for this chapter.
arubagirl0926: ...I'm sorry.
Kathryn2014: Thank you! And I hope you're not too terribly mad at me.
Amy: I hope you're not too crushed.
I feel really bad. I gave you guys false hope. I know this is a very sensitive subject which is exactly why I wanted to write for it. I really hope I did this justice and you guys are really going to see more angst and more of Spencer and Toby coping with this loss. I'm sorry. The story was just too happy and fluffy for me.
I know I haven't been around in FOREVER but I've been so busy with school. Thankfully, I'm on Spring Break for the next two weeks and I hope to update at least one or two more times before the break is over (and that goes for both of my stories). I'm sorry! -Kayson