"Of course, Charles wouldn't punch Tamara, no matter how awful she was," Elsie insisted. "Though I will admit, I'm still in awe that he managed to shake Griggs' hand yesterday."
"Did he? That is remarkable," Suzanne agreed. "I wonder what he'd do if he saw Tamara again. I bet he would hit her."
"Why should Charles wish to hit a woman, even one as terrible as Tamara?" Elsie asked, afraid of the answer.
"Grigg was terrible, but Tamara…she was relentless. She absolutely took glee from tormenting Charles; trying to corrupt him."
"How do you know all of this?"
"He didn't write about it explicitly in his letters, but I made sure Nate got the full story. That woman…I suppose it started out seeming like harmless ribbing; she'd joke about Charles joining her and Grigg for dinner and something more." Suzanne waggled her eyebrows to indicate what she was implying by 'something more'.
"The longer Tamara and Grigg were together, the worse she got. It got so bad that Charles could barely get a decent night's sleep in his own bed. Apparently, she climbed into bed with him while he was sleeping on several occasions…naked." Elsie's jaw clenched in rage. No wonder Charles wanted to keep this from her.
"Charles told Nate that he'd had to push her out of the bed and onto the floor. He felt badly for being so rough with a woman, but he didn't know what else to do. After that, she backed off, but then she started to bring girls from the audience backstage with her, promising them a 'night they'd never forget' with one of the Cheerful Charlies. They showed up thinking they'd be having a good time with Charles, but usually ended up with Grigg or Tamara…or Grigg and Tamara."
Even through her rage, Elsie could see how guilty being used as the bait for Tamara's trap would make Charles feel. His role in their games must haunt him and all those wronged women must be represented in the person of Alice. Though Tamara wasn't involved directly with Alice, Charles no doubt lamented being the means of leading Grigg to Alice.
"Do you know about Alice?" Elsie asked.
"I know he thinks he ruined her life. She's probably out there somewhere living a perfectly normal life and he's beating himself up, wondering what happened to her and thinking the worst."
"He doesn't have to wonder any more and it was the worst. Grigg told him that Alice is dead."
"Oh? That's too bad." Suzanne's sympathy was sincere.
"She jumped in the river because Grigg wouldn't accept responsibility for her unborn child."
"Oh, my dear heavens." Suzanne exclaimed. "Let me guess, Charles thinks it's all his fault?"
"Of course," Elsie sighed. "He's so busy trying to claim the responsibility for something he couldn't possibly have foreseen that I don't dare bring up the part of his story that bothers me most."
"Tamara?"
"I want to help him, but I'm stuck on this image of her trying to constantly seduce Charles."
"I've just made that worse, haven't I?"
"It's not your fault that he didn't seem to think that was something I would want to know about."
"More like it's something he doesn't want you to know about."
"Exactly! He let me think his past with her was perfectly innocent. He let me write to her. We're supposed to meet her when we're in Milan."
"That doesn't sound like a good idea," Suzanne pointed out the obvious.
Suzanne saw that Elsie was just getting angrier and angrier. She decided to try and calm her friend down. "Elsie, lass, this past week has been pretty eventful for you both. Give him a little space and he'll come to you to talk, I guarantee it."
Elsie was not having any of it. "No. He's always done this; he's always walled off the parts of himself that he can't admit are human. Why does he think I need him to be perfect? Why can't he trust me enough to be completely honest with me?"
"It's who he is, Elsie. It's part of why he was such a good butler; he wants the responsibility that others don't and he actually believes that perfection is possible." Suzanne observed.
"Well, I have news for him; people aren't perfect and he doesn't always have to be such a bloody martyr!" Elsie was in a fine fit now.
Afraid that she'd cause more harm than good, Suzanne chose to remain silent. She took a biscuit from the plate and sipped at her sherry. She hoped Nate was having better luck with Charles upstairs.
-00-
Charles kicked petulantly at the tiny clay pots filled with dark soil. "Thyme, parsley, marjoram…"
"Fascinating," Nathan drawled sarcastically.
"You asked to see them."
"I asked to see you. I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer, mate, but even I know there's something rotten in Denmark."
"Nate, did you just quote Shakespeare?"
"My best friend happens to be a pretentious prig. Sometimes it wears off on me." Nathan joked, trying to coax the truth from Charles. "Tell me what's going on, mate. I assume Grigg's return stirred up some unpleasant memories."
"That's putting it mildly," Charles thrust his hands deeply into his trouser pockets and stared off over the dusky town. "I found out what happened to Alice."
"And?"
"She killed herself. She was pregnant with Grigg's child."
"I'm sorry to hear that," Nathan commiserated. He noticed Charles tormented posture. "Wait. Charles, you can't be blaming yourself for that?"
"Why not?"
"For starters, you didn't do anything."
"Exactly. Doing nothing is precisely what I am guilty of." He insisted. He shook his head in anguish as he stared over the roof's edge. "I could have warned her, but I just ran away. I could have looked for her after he cast her off or tried to contact her sister and Jeffrey, but I was happy to forget."
"Alice made her own decisions," Nathan tried to reason. "If anyone is to blame for her fate, it's Grigg."
"No. None of this would have happened if I hadn't been such a coward…If I hadn't been willing to use Alice to buy my freedom, she might still be alive."
"But you weren't willing to use her." Nathan reminded him. "You had decided against the plan. You made the right choice."
"It was enough that I considered it. If he hadn't seen us together, Grigg would never have spared her a thought. I might has well have pulled out a gun at the tea shop and shot her then and there. Grigg was the gun and the bullet, but I pointed him at her."
Charles frowned mightily. "Do you blame a gun for being what it is? No, you blame the person who points it and pulls the trigger. That's what I did. She might have had a happy life, but she didn't, because of me."
"I don't agree with you," Nathan said blatantly. "But I can see how your exaggerated sense of responsibility might lead you to take this on yourself."
"My what?"
"Admit it, Charles, you think looking after the whole world is your duty. You had no obligation to Alice, or any of those other girls."
"How can you say that?"
"Because people are responsible for themselves, Charles; for good or ill. You can't be butler to the world."
"I'm not trying…" Charles began to bluster indignantly.
"It's your nature, mate, and I love you for it, but it gets a little old. It's like you don't trust people to live their own lives. You can't anticipate every misstep of everyone you ever knew. You aren't responsible for anyone but yourself."
Charles wanted to argue, but he knew Nathan was right. Hadn't Elsie been trying to tell him this very thing for the last twenty years? What did it matter if the bouillon spoon and the dessert spoons got mixed up? He couldn't say why it mattered, but it did. It did matter to him. Why did people blissfully accept mistakes that were preventable? It drove him to distraction. He knew that he took it all too personally, but he didn't know how else to feel. He did feel responsible for everyone around him. It probably came across as condescending, but he'd seen too many people make too many mistakes not to try to correct the ones he could prevent.
"Does Elsie blame you?" Nathan asked after he saw Charles' hands stop clenching in and out of fists as he clasped them behind his back. "Is that why you two are at odds?"
"I don't know if she blames me. I don't know what she thinks of any of it."
"You did tell her about Alice, didn't you?"
"Yes. I told her about Alice and Grigg. I even told her more about Tamara but then…we haven't really spoken since. She's more likely to be upset by Tamara than by anything Grigg did." Charles slouched even lower.
"Can you blame her?"
"She doesn't even know the worst of it." He hadn't told her about the attempted seductions. "I think she's waiting for me to bring it up again, but I can't seem to find the courage."
"Well, judging by the storm I saw brewing in there, you'd best find it fast. The longer you wait the worst it will get."
"I know."
"Grigg and Tamara plagued you enough all those years ago. Don't let them ruin the best thing that's ever happened to you."
"You're right; I know you're right," Charles agreed. "I just don't know if I can face her disappointment in me."
"You can only be disappointed by people you think of highly," Nathan offered philosophically.
"My pretensions really are wearing off on you," Charles joked sadly. He was lucky and grateful to have a friend like Nathan who could tell him the hard truths. Elsie usually played that role, but he'd shut her out. He knew it was time to fix that.
-00-
The men returned downstairs and Nathan and Suzanne said their thanks and offered their goodbyes. Soon, Charles and Elsie were alone in their flat. Charles gathered up the glasses and plates from the sitting room and brought them to the kitchen.
"Dinner was very fine," Charles said lamely.
"Stranger things have happened," Elsie shot back. Her anger was palpable. Charles shrank away from her imperceptibly. Now was not the best moment to talk about Alice and Tamara, but he would at least offer the opportunity and see if she took it.
"I'll wash if you dry," he offered, indicating the small pile of dishes in the sink.
"It's late. You have to work tomorrow and I have a headache. I'll clean up tomorrow." With that, she swept out of the kitchen towards the bedroom. Charles covered some of the leftover food and placed it in the icebox. He took his time, giving her space. By the time he reached their bedroom, Elsie was on her edge of the bed, eyes closed.
He knew she wasn't asleep; one couldn't scowl like that in one's sleep. He dressed for bed in silence and crawled gently into his side of the bed. For the first time, he was not happy with their great behemoth of a bed. She hadn't felt this far away from him since the two of them were sleeping in their own attic rooms at Downton where all the laws of propriety and a locked door had separated them.
TBC…
AN/ I promise, THE Conversation is very close. I wanted to give them both an opportunity to vent to friends. I think it will help them both in the end.