A/N- Text "Haiti" to 90999 if you would like to donate ten dollars to the Red Cross for the Haiti relief effort. (Don't worry, it's legit – go ahead and Google it. Don't worry, you're not texting ten bucks to me.)

I was sitting at the kitchen table when my Dad looked at me and deadpanned, "So are you going to be writing about Fang tonight?" The only other time I was just as speechless was when I ran my bike into a fence in front of a really cute guy.

Also: To the numerous people who noticed that I said Fang had forty-four days left to live; I completely missed the "one hundred" in front of that. Whoops.

Credit goes to Flight at Midnight whose PM supplied me with two excellent one-liners.

Reviewer of the Week:

iBanana: I think Canadian jokes are ftw. Like that one about how Canada got its name- they picked letters out of a hat! "C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?"

Comment of the Week:

From the Wikipedia page about Barbie: In 1993 a group in the United States calling itself the "Barbie Liberation Organization" modified Barbie dolls by giving them the voice box of a talking G.I. Joe doll, and secretly returned the dolls to the shelves of toy stores. Parents and children were surprised when they purchased Barbie dolls that uttered phrases such as "Eat lead, Cobra!" and "Vengeance is mine."

January 15th, 2010

Dear Diary,

So, when I dropped through the air like an uncoordinated rock and fell into Niagara Falls, I died.

Sucks to be me, right?

Hah.

Right.

So, obviously, I didn't die.

(I just thought I'd start off by addressing the elephant in the room, you know? It would suck if you thought I was dead while you were reading this, Diary, and that's just weird.)

But think about it - I couldn't have died, because I couldn't be writing this. Unless, perhaps, I'm dead and I don't know it.

Maybe I'm a zombie.

Zombies are cool. I would be pretty chill with being a zombie.

The thing is, I don't have the overwhelming desire to eat Max's brains, so I'm pretty sure I'm not a zombie. I'm also pretty sure that dead people don't feel like they want to die. But perhaps I'm some sort of Neo-Zombie.

I think that the ultimate zombie test is bacon or brains. If you choose bacon, you're human, but if you choose brains, congratulations! You're a zombie.

I think I'm missing the point, Diary, and I apologize. Let's go back to the whole hey-look-at-me-Ma-I'm-flying-with-no-wings! ordeal.

Ugh. Let's get this over with. (That line totally should have been said by James Bond as he bursts into a casino full of rich bankers and trophy wives while trying to save the President of the United Nations. But moving along, then.)

In my credit, I didn't scream or yell as I dropped like a stone. I didn't even call out Max's name, which, while poetic, would have been horribly embarrassing. The thing is, I didn't scream because I was legitimately too terrified. I've never had to free-fall, because I've always been able to recover.

But this time, my wings just weren't working.

Let's try to look at the situation from a different perspective. Pretend you're running from a T-Rex, Diary. First off, let's pretend you're human, okay? Now, I don't how or why T-Rex is chasing you, but whatever.

So you're sprinting from this T-Rex, thinking, Hey, I might be able to out-run this, when all of a sudden your legs stop working. And then the T-Rex eats you, because that's what T-Rex's do.

That's basically what happened to me. Just sub out Niagara Falls with a T-Rex and my wings for your legs.

Now that I think about it, that was a crap metaphor, but you get the idea, right?

Let's say I was falling into a giant bowl of bacon. While tasty and awesome, I still would have been freaking out. Still, since I happened to be unfortunately plummeting towards the raging Niagara River (which, coincidentally, was roaring over the actual Falls) I think you can imagine my pure, utter, complete terror.

Anyway, I totally just spent the last ten minutes procrastinating about writing this entry. And as some random person once said, procrastination is like masturbation – its fun at the time, but later on you realize you've screwed yourself.

Alright, I'll just get this over with. I wish the next bit could be happier, with sparkles and glitter and ponies, but there are no ponies in my life. (Awwwww…)

Ready?

Set?

DIE FANG DIE.

I crashed into the freezing water.

Basically, it felt like somebody had stabbed a bunch of red-hot needles all over my. My skin instantly felt like it was on fire. For the record, that is not a nice sensation. I didn't have time to worry about drowning, though, because the current was incredibly fast, and the next thing I knew, I was going over Niagara Falls. I love Canada.

My fall wasn't even graceful.

It should have been dramatic and graceful and all pretty, but no, I've got to look like a total idiot. At least Romeo looked hot when he died.

Instead, I was a writhing mass of a person as I was thrown off the cliff and did yet another free-fall towards the jagged rocks below. You know, when my Mom said to survive January, I had no freaking idea this is what she meant. She could've at least dropped me a hint.

I didn't even have time to think, Well, shit, before I crashed into the bottom of the river.

Now that hurt.

Just so you now, dropping into water from a large height is quite similar to jumping into concrete. As I tumbled through the crashing water, I was so numb I couldn't move. (You know when you sit still for a long time and your foot falls asleep and you hit it over and over because it's really funny how you can't feel anything? Image that all over your body.)

I went down maybe twenty feet, and it was at that point when I worried about drowning.

Yes, I can swim, but I'm designed for the air. It didn't help that I tried to inhale, which basically meant I was choking on water. It was a totally smooth move on my part. All around me, the crashing of the water kept pushing me down, and I absently remember thinking that I wished I was Percy Jackson at that exact moment. (I look like him, so why I can't I be him? Damn it.)

Either way, I was pumped that I had missed the rocks below and survived. Fang: 1 Canada: 0

And I must comment on the absolute OMFG FREEZING temperature of the water. I mean, water is never warm outside (unless, like, you're in Iceland at those cool hot spring places) and this is in freaking January.

I was a Fang-sicle! Get it? Like a popsicle? ("Get your Fang-sicles now, limited time offer only! They won't survive much longer, so order now and enjoy your bacon-flavored treat!")

Despite how morbid that previous thought was, it was also kind of cool. If I did die and was re-incarnated as a popsicle, I would definitely be bacon-flavored.

…It's really weird how easily I get distracted.

I swam out a few yards to get past the incredible pressure of the pouring water still coming off of the Falls before clawing my way upwards. I burst through the top of the water, and puked out all of the litres of water I'd swallowed. Oh, yes, now that's attractive.

I coughed like mad and managed to wipe my eyes off before the waves dragged me under again. Ugh. Why can't I at least die quickly?

That time, there was only a brief moment of panic before I burst to the top. Where could I go? There wasn't a convenient sign pointing out where half-drowned kids should swim.

It was at that point when I thought I had died.

I thought I was imagining it, but there was this huge boat coming towards me. Since I'd just had my brains half-smashed out of me, I swore it was that guy who ferries dead people along the river Styx. I dog-paddled towards it, thinking that I might as well get the whole inconvenient death thing over with.

And you really want to know the sad part? I'm assuming you've seen the first Twilight movie, Diary. Bella has this line at the end of the movie, and in a dramatic voice-over, and she's all like, "Death is easy – peaceful. Life is harder." And you know what? She's right.

And it is so, so sad, that not only does a Twilight quotation describe my life, but there's the fact that I can quote the Twilight movie directly.

Craptastic.

(Isn't it weird how a Twilight quotation bothers me more than almost dying? It really shows you my priorities.)

I continued my horrible excuse at swimming and treaded water beside the boat. Someone threw me a life preserver, which I grabbed onto. It was at that moment when I realized where I was, seeing as a bunch of people clad in what looked like blue garbage bags were leaning off the side of the boat and taking frantic pictures. I highly doubt that Heaven or Hell have tourists.

The side of the boat read Maid of the Mist – it was the famous boat that went right up to the Falls for tourists- and a bunch of people started to haul me up to the deck. Once they dragged me over the edge of the boat, I fell down into an unimpressive heap.

Which was when it happened.

And you want to know the killer part? This is all happening on a Friday. And everyone knows that after Monday and Tuesday, the rest of the week goes W T F.

If you recall, before I launched after Max when was about to cross the border, the Flock and I had a brief conversation. We had figured a bunch of stuff out, just like a puzzle. (But one of those stupid impossible puzzles when all the pieces blend together. Those are the puzzles that make me feel like a total fool.)

You see, Itex can change our DNA, but they can't do it from far away. They can, however, change our DNA at set up pre-determined locations where they know we'll be – such as over Niagara Falls.

I know, I know. Assholes.

But why Niagara Falls, and why the power plant? Well, they knew the fall wouldn't kill us – but electricity, combined with water, would.

It's like how you have to get out of a pool when there's a lightning storm coming, you know? (Not that that's ever happened to me, of course. It was on an episode of The OC.)

Itex did it perfectly. Right after their trap had been set off, there would be a horrible, disastrous "accident" at the Sir Adam Beck power station that would involve extreme amounts of electricity being pumped through the river.

The whole Flock should have been in the river when it became electric. But Itex didn't count on the fact that only one of us fell, and that I was rescued too quickly.

Because right as I fell onto the deck, the river became live with electricity.

It was actually pretty cool. It was as if small lightning bolts were dancing over and in the water. The Maid of the Mist must've been made of some sort of electricity-resistant material, like some sort of advanced rubber, because we weren't zapped and turned into bite-sized pieces of ash. There were, however, screams from both sides of the border as the river lit up. It only lasted for about five seconds, but it would've been enough to kill anyone in the river.

"What the hell?" A woman dressed in the captain's uniform came charging towards me. She grabbed my hand and supported me as I stood shaking and dripping wet. (I looked like a wet dog, and probably smelled like one, too.) "How did you manage to live through that?"

Good question.

"Because that's how I roll," I said, and puked on the deck. My badassness just went down.

"Let's get you into the cabin and into some new clothes," the woman said, grabbing me by the shoulder and helping me walk through an aisle of clamouring tourists. "You'll freeze to death."

I was actually really looking forward to getting out of my clothes (no, not that way) when once again, there was an unexpected development.

It was at that point when Max landed right in front of us.

Oh, snap, that's right.

"I think you have something of mine," she said, grinning at the captain. Max strode right over to me, grabbed me in her arms, and launched upwards, just like that. I could hear dozens of cameras going off, and I even saw flashes from both sides of the border. If I had been dressed better, I would've felt like a movie star. (But then again, I've seen some celebrities dress like their closet was the trash can.)

"You suck," Max yelled over the freezing and intense rush of air, which was such a classic thing for Max to say. I would've replied with some sort of witty and snarky comment, but my lips had pretty much frozen together in coldness.

She flew back over the Falls, being very careful to stay on the Canadian side. She flew for about five minutes of silence before landing in a forest where the rest of the Flock was anxiously waiting.

She let me out of her arms, and I almost collapsed, but she caught me. I felt like the damsel in distress, but without the cool dress they always wear. (Did I really just say that?)

"Fang!" she said as she sat me down. "Are you okay?"

Um, no. Next question. I opened my mouth to speak, but I couldn't say anything,

"You pushed him over the border!" Iggy accused. Aw, craptastic, now they were going to fight. This was so not needed.

"I didn't know!" Max yelled back, kicking some snow around. Iggy must've filled her in on what we'd figured out about Itex. "How the hell was I supposed to know the border was rigged?"

"You didn't have to push him!" Iggy said, stepping forwards, with his eyes flashing.

"I'm sorry!"

"Say that to him!"

"I think we have other things to worry about!" That was Angel, always the practical one. "If we don't get Fang out of those clothes, he'll freeze."

"Here." Iggy dug around in his backpack for some of the clothes we'd stolen from Wal-Mart. He threw them at me. "Do you need help?"

I slowly shook my head, shivering like mad. I gradually stood up, grabbed the clothes, and changed behind some trees. After ditching the sopping clothes, I felt a million times better, but I still happily sat dangerously close to the campfire someone had started.

"We should cross farther upriver, where we did before," Nudge said, which was actually a pretty smart idea. (Remember, her last two ideas ended in disasters. Next thing you know, she's going to suggest a coup d'état in some sort of small European country.) "But we need to get back to Arizona as soon as possible."

"Are you okay to fly?" Max asked, turning to me.

I nodded. "Yeah. My wings are okay now. I don't know what Itex did to me."

Max gave a weak smile. "I'm sorry for what I did," she said softly.

"It's alright," I said, staring into the fire, since it was rather hypnotic and I was still thawing myself out. "Really."

"I don't believe you," she said, standing up, and disappearing off into the trees. Um, okay, that was a random exit.

We stayed by the fire for another hour until I had completely dried up. After we'd smothered the flames, we launched upwards and crossed the border upriver. (Yes, I'll admit I was terrified when I re-crossed the border, but I just pictured a pound of bacon on the other side beckoning to me. Sadly, it worked.)

The fly back to Arizona was tense and long and incident-less, seeing as we skipped around Kansas since Iggy now shudders when we mention that particular state (even though the tiger incident was completely his fault). The only strange thing I noticed was how close Max flew to me.

Wait, I lied- something did happen.

We were somewhere in Freaking Nowhere, Nevada, and getting ready for bed when Iggy suddenly fell to his knees and gasping in pain. When he looked up at us, he was blind again. Itex had taken away his sight, since I've come to the conclusion that a bunch of douches run that company.

"Well, this sucks," he said, before going right to bed.

After that, the rest of the flight was short. It only took us another half-day to land in the forest at the back of Dr. M's house. We were relieved to see there was a home –we had no idea what to expect.

It felt weird to keep coming back to a "home". It was always this creepy yet welcoming feeling. (You know, I bet that's how pedophiles are described, too.) But at least when we walked in the door in the late evening, we smelled some sort of chocolatey goodness.

"You're home!" Dr. M had just pulled out a rack of a dozen chocolate cupcakes from the oven. (Believe it or not, guys like chocolate just as much as girls. We just hide it better.)

"Yeah," Max said, which was pretty much the only thing she could say, seeing as that was a rather one-sided greeting. Dr. M swept Max up into a big hug before moving on to the rest of us while Total jumped up into Angel's arms.

There was an uncomfortable silence before Max asked, "So how's the married life?"

"It's only been a few days," Dr. M said, grinning as leaned against the back of the couch bordering onto the kitchen. "But I love it."

Wait a second. She emphasized the word it, not the word love-

Oh.

I get it.

Awk-ward.

Max caught on right as I did. "Oh, yeah, right."

Dr. M realized her faux pas and blushed. She wisely changed the subject as she grabbed a can of icing from the cupboard. She placed it next to the cupcakes and turned back to us. "So how did Canada go?"

We all exchanged What do we tell her? looks.

"It was… useless. We didn't learn a thing." Max's frustration crept into her voice sort of like how I creep Max's Facebook profile. (Completely unrelated metaphor FOR THE WIN.)

And yes, she does have Facebook. I think she just wanted to monitor my online activity.

"I'm sure you learned something," she said, trying to do the Mom thing and cheer us up. At least she had recovered from her Bridezilla phase. "For example, you know that Canada has nothing to do with Itex's funds." She paused and looked thoughtful. "So at least you've removed that variable."

"I guess." Max sighed. "But I'm going to bed. I'm so tired I can't even shove one of those cupcakes in my mouth, and that's just pathetic."

"Totally," Gazzy said, catching on to Max's yawn. "G'night, everyone."

We all followed Max down the hall to our appropriate rooms, and we were barely able to make it to our beds before we crashed.

The following days were horrible. None of us knew what to do – we were practically expecting some sort of WBN to burst into the house and tell us who was behind all of this. (And ninjas randomly bursting into the house would make my day.)

Still, considering the hell we went through on the first day of January, it felt weird to go through an entire day without almost dying (score!).

Iggy and Ella were in that awkward pre-dating situation. It was weird – Iggy could always tell when Ella was in the room and when she was looking at him. He'd make the best creeper ever.

Luckily, Nudge took it all well, and even cornered Ella and told her that if she hurt Iggy then Nudge herself would punch Ella in the face. After that, both girls hugged and promised to go to the movies together sometime. (Do I understand girls? No. Will I even try? Of course not.)

So all in all, we wasted a ton of time, and Max was worrying herself to death.

But that was before tonight.

It was totally foreboding and weird and unexpected, but I woke up at three in the morning for no apparent reason. And me waking up at three in the morning for no apparent reason is like seeing a shark in the water and swimming up to it and hugging it and naming it Bob.

I rolled around all restlessly for a while, but I eventually just gave up and let my thoughts do whatever they wanted. Naturally, they floated over to our current situation.

Why would someone be blocking Itex's money? Why was Itex developing a DNA-changing technology? Why sending us all the way to Canada to die?

And the thing is, it all sucked because it was probably going to be coming back to money. Everything is about money, and that's stupid, because money is a bunch of coins and bills and digital numbers. But what's to gain from doctoring Itex's funds?

And that's when it clicked.

I got it.

Everything.

We just hadn't been wording the situation right. Because once I thought about it, I understood who was messing with Itex's money. It was all about the wording of the situation that messed us up, and it was completely coincidental.

The doctoring of the funds.

I have all the evidence and logic I need. There are so many instances where I should've picked it up, and all of them have been recorded here, in you, Diary, but I never re-read you and I always missed the clues. I'll explain later.

There was so much evidence… from Agnes to Canada to cupcakes, we never realized how close this betrayal was. My Mom was right. Remember that the people closest to you are the ones who hurt the most.

It's six o'clock in the morning right now, and I figured this out only three hours ago. Even writing this down, everything makes so much sense! I'm tempted to go wake up the Flock, but there's one very special reason why I'm worried about telling Max who's the ultimate villain.

I can't believe it, but I know I'm right.

Our number one enemy is none other than her mother, Doctor Valencia Martinez.

-Fang