Chapter Thirty-Six: The Struggle
The flannel sheets are really comfortable. I spread my arms out and move them like I'm making a snow angel... Something I haven't done in over a decade...
I roll over and try not to think about a decade ago. As much as I try not to, I end up thinking about it. It's always there, always racking on my brain in some way shape or form. Part of me is stricken with guilt, while the rest is just traumatized.
I brush my bangs out of the way and sigh. Maybe I should get my hair cut in a cutesy way. Maybe he'd like that...? No... I can't cut it. I shudder at the thought of people staring at the burn scars. They'd whisper to each other, "Hey, look at the unwrapped mummy over there" or "That girl looks like bacon" or...
I smack my hands to my temples. Stop it! This isn't getting you anywhere, so just stop! What would he do if he saw you like this?... Well, wrapping me up in his arms and cuddling me would be nice, and then... Woah, lewd! No lewd thoughts right now!
Okay... I exhale heavily. Maybe I can just do my hair in a cutesy way? But, how would I do that? Okay, maybe cute cosplay? Er, no... I don't have the money for that...
Two hands of different complexions interlock, the air around them hot and humid. Behind the hands are stairs and the shadows of the nearby trees.
...and I forgot that he's going out with Miki... I like Miki and all, I really do... she's nice, even if brash, but... why her? Why? Why does he have to go out with her? Oh my god, it's so frustrating! Does he really not know that I love him?!
Hot tears streak down my face, the result of me being too emotional about this. Calm yourself, Hanako. Slow your breathing, wipe away the tears... he's going to be here anytime now, and you can't get all worked up...
I groan and roll back over onto my back. Is love supposed to hurt this much? Is it supposed to feel this terrible, giving you a sense of hopelessness and uselessness? No matter what I do, he doesn't seem to get the message. I've tried coming out and saying it, but... The hug last night, for example... he was just surprised, and once I tried to say anything... I instinctively ran away. Maybe he found the message I left for him in... Maybe, just maybe he will. I hope-
"Hana, you in there?"
Oh, I love it when he says Hana, with that rough accent... Stop, Hanako. Calm yourself, sheesh. You're like a little schoolgirl... oh, but if only he called me Hanachan... Stop!
"Ye-yeah..."
"Can I come in?"
Hehe... "Yeah..." Wow, lewd.
The door slides open and Adolf walks in, the camera from yesterday in his hands. He's wearing a long-sleeve plaid shirt and jeans, his dirty blonde hair unkempt. He cracks a grin at me.
"Seems like you're having fun," he says, stepping forward a little. I'd love to just... ugh, but I can't. I can never bring myself to do it...
I nod. "Mmhm. Yo-you're actually a bi-bit late."
He shakes his head and apologizes. "It was partially Miki's fault, partially Sean's fault."
Of course she's the problem! I want to shout at him, call him an idiot as much as I can, even in English! But I can't... That baka...
"That's neither here nor there, though," he continues. "Ready to go?"
I nod and hop out of bed, slipping my shoes on. I wonder why he insisted on walking with me to the Newspaper Club room, anyway. That's really sweet, though. I grab the notepad off of my nightstand and stand up straight, the top of my head reaching his chin. He's, what, 180-something centimeters tall? I'm only 162...
His hand pats my head, which is oddly comforting. Well, it's not really odd why, but... "Let's get going," he says, somehow not butchering any words with his rough American accent. I have to say, his Japanese is a lot better than most foreigners', though I only know what I see on TV.
I nod, unable to form words. It's gotten a lot better, my anxiety. The therapist said that it's a good thing I've got a friend so close to me that isn't Lilly. It's just... well, I want to be more than friends.
Sean wasn't lying to me when he said Adolf was dense, but he didn't say denser than a rock.
We walk out into the hall, nothing being said between us. I'm used to it, even if conversation is nice. As long as I'm with him...
We walk out of the dorms and across the grounds. People mill about, talking, tossing a baseball back and forth, just relaxing in general. It's a nice way to spend a Sunday. The two of us walk up the stairs to the main building and he opens the doors, allowing me to walk in first. He doesn't know where the room is, so I start walking to it, Adolf close behind. Did he join the Newspaper Club? That's what I've been wondering, since he did help photograph and stuff... Sean only reviewed my notes. Naomi usually only lets members of the Newspaper Club take photos for the paper...
We head up the stairs to the third floor and I turn down the hallway containing the Newspaper Club and turn into the door, opening it. Adolf walks in ahead of me and holds the camera up. The door closes behind me and Naomi, behind a computer desk, looks up with a grin.
"So you did it, huh?" she says. "Well, let's see what you've got before you start."
I set my notepad, complete with Sean's doodles and English, on Naomi's desk while Adolf hands her the camera. The president takes the camera first and begins looking at the photos. Her head bobs in several nods as she goes through the photos, but she suddenly begins laughing.
"Uh..." I raise my hand a little. "Wha-what's-"
Naomi spun the camera around to show us the picture. Oh, god... He took more? In the picture, Adolf has his right arm outstretched with the camera pointed at him. He has a silly grin on his face and my scarf managed to sneak in the shot. Naomi pressed the next button and the other image he took like that loads. Instead of just him, it's the both of us, except I have a shocked look on my face. He caught me by surprise.
Adolf starts laughing and points at me in the picture. "Your expression is priceless," he says. That's not nice at all... He leans in a little. "It's so cute. Cute and funny at the same time."
Cu-cu-cute?! I'm cute?!
Naomi throws a pencil at him and then looks at me. "Ignore your boyfriend for a second, Ike." My... boy... boyfriend?! I can feel my cheeks burn up. Oh, this is embarrassing. Naomi picks up my notepad and flips through, nodding once. "Looks good... computer in the corner is good. Both of you work on it, and I'll have Natsume look over it once you're all done. Adolf, handle the English." She stands up. "Alright, I'll be out for a few. Don't do anything, you two."
I think my cheeks just got even redder. Adolf shrugs it off and walks to the corner, the computer already on. He sits down and motions for me to follow. Was I standing in place the whole time?
Wait... I'm alone with him. I think I can do it today. Yeah... today's the day. My legs move almost without my command. My eyes lock-on to him and my mouth opens, but no words come out. No... Nononono, don't choke up now. Remember, in English.
"Something the matter?" he asks.
"I l... I l..." Dammit, not again! "I l..." He looks at me with a raised eyebrow. Oh my... I can't... "I'll be right back!" I manage to choke out in English. I turn around and sprint out of the room, slamming it right behind me.
I go down the hall some, straight into the restrooms. Tears begin to stream down my face and I walk into a stall just to slide down the wall. I was so close... so close... Is even just confessing your love supposed to be this confusing, this painful, this much of a struggle? Why aren't I able to do it? Three little English words! Maybe try in Japanese?... no, I'd probably screw that up, too. I truly love him, so what's making it so hard for me to say it?
I wipe away some tears, but it's hopeless. This happens every time I try. That or I lose consciousness. After a few minutes of crying, I look around, sniffling with an upset stomach. I'm in the third stall, aren't I? Heh... I've always found odd solace in the third stall on the third floor. Toire no Hanako-san, I was called in middle school. Just like the ghost, I "haunted" the third stall...
I sniffle one last time and stand, wiping the tears away. Time to head back for now... I'll try again soon...
Hopefully I don't lose my nerve.