A/N: I hope you enjoy.
Disclaimer: I do not own Attack On Titan.
Levi's POV
Chaos reigned inside the walls of the Survey Corps HQ. A couple of weeks had passed after the "Colossal Titan" and the "Armoured Titan" had breached the walls. Refugees had invaded Trost. The Garrison had taken control over the situation, but they were doing a shitty job at it. People had begun to starve, for food had long started to run low.
Hanji had physically recovered. She had stood up from the bed to work on her experiments, trying to find a logical reason behind the titan's actions. Even though her body had fully healed, she still mourned Merethe. I had walked by her door many times, only to hear her weeping. I wanted to comfort her. I wanted to see Hanji running around exclaiming that she had found something interesting.
I wouldn't be able to endure seeing her broken. She was one of the strongest women I had ever met. Just like I was supposed to be humanity's strongest soldier. We carried those titles, yet we didn't feel like we could live up to them. We had silently agreed to never mention my fiancée again. I missed Merethe so damn much. I missed everything about her. Her laughter, her smile, her eyes, her freckles, her body, her hair, her voice, her wit, her mischief, her everything.
I sat down next to Hanji. The dining room was packed with soldiers. All of them eager to eat after being worked to the bone. Hanji gave me a sideways glance and placed her glasses on the table. She brought her hands to her face and rubbed her eyes. Facing me, she smiled sadly. I could tell from the lump in her throat that she was trying to hold back her tears. I had lost my fiancée, my partner, my best friend. On the other hand, Hanji had lost her sister. We were both slowly sinking into depression without knowing. Both of us were trying to hold on. Telling Erwin had been hard for both. Erwin had broken down in front of us. We had only talked to each other when it came to business.
I knocked gently on the door. Hanji was nervously playing with her glasses behind me. Telling Erwin about Merethe would be hard. I didn't know whether I would be able to hold my own bloody tears back if it came to it. Erwin acknowledged our presence and commanded us to enter. The room was a fucking mess. Paperwork scattered around the floor, empty bottles of wine lined up next to his desk, curtains lying on the floor. I walked inside and looked down at his head resting on the desk. The place reeked of alcohol. So did Erwin. Hanji knocked one of the bottles over, causing it to wake Erwin out of his daze. He lifted his head from the stack of paperwork and looked at us. The breaching of Wall Maria had taken its toll on him.
-Both of you are here. It must be important. What's wrong? –He asked, his gaze focused on our miserable state. Both of us had bags under our eyes. I was certain I looked equally bad as him.
-She's dead. –I stated bluntly. There was no point in beating around the bush if we were going to tell him either way. Hanji sobbed behind me. It took a moment for Erwin to register my words. His eyes widened and he gasped.
-M-my daughter is…dead? –He hesitantly asked. I knew about Merethe's relationship with Erwin. He had trained her when she was young. He had been more of a father to her than her biological one. He had been the one cheering her on when she joined the military. I was about to open up my mouth to speak when Hanji sat down in front of Erwin and wiped away her tears.
-Yes, Erwin. –She answered, taking off her glasses and laying them down on the table.
-How? –He asked, his voice breaking. I stayed silent, until I noticed him staring at me. He wanted me to tell him. I didn't want to recall her death. I didn't want to recall the fact that I had been too weak, too slow to save her.
-She…-I wasn't able to finish the sentence. A lump formed in my throat, stopping me from speaking. I looked down at my feet and curled my hand into a fist. Anger filled me to the very core.
-What happened to her, Levi? –Erwin pressed, his voice weak. His eyes filled with tears and he hit the table with enough strength to scare Hanji.
-She was…devoured by the Colossal Titan. –I answered, now being able to name the killer. Something inside Erwin broke that night. He cried. He cried like a child. Just like I had the first night and all the ones that followed. Just like Hanji had cried.
We all broke. We had become a family. Unknowingly we had become a family that could rely on each other when needed. Somehow, we had tolerated each other's shit for years. And it was taken away from us.
It was all taken away from us when she died.
All of it.
-Hello, Shorty. –Hanji spoke up, bringing me out of my daydream.
-Shitty glasses. –I answered, looking at her. She chuckled and placed her hand on my shoulder.
-How are you holding up? –She asked, her voice filled with concern.
-I'm fine. You? –I asked, taking the glass of water that laid in front of me and drinking.
-I could do better…-She answered truthfully. The new amount of weight that was suddenly added to the table caught my attention. Erwin sat down in front of us, a fake smile plastered on his face.
-Hello, both of you. –He greeted, his voice tired. Hanji seemed surprised at his actions. She had assured me that Erwin would be back to normal in time, but she had clearly expected him to take more than a couple of weeks. I saw past his façade almost instantly. Perhaps it was for the better. To pretend everything was alright. Just for our sake.
I wasn't going to lie and say that Merethe's death wasn't killing me. Slowly but surely, it was tearing me up from the inside. I had stopped sleeping on the bed, not wanting to recall every morning I woke up next to her. I had begun to sleep less. Three or four hours did the trick.
-You look like shit. –I stated, looking at Erwin. He smiled and poured himself a glass of water.
-I do. I…haven't been able to sleep well. –He confessed, nursing the glass. He focused his attention on Hanji, waiting for her reply. She nodded. All of us were avoiding sleep like the fucking plague.
-What about you, Levi? –Hanji spoke up, putting her glasses back on and yawning. I could tell she hadn't gotten much sleep lately.
-I…don't sleep. –I admitted, closing my eyes and sighing.
-Why? –Erwin asked, his voice taking a serious tone. I opened my eyes and noticed both of them staring at me.
-My mind has the horrifying capability of being dark and demented. –I whispered. I feared my own dreams. I feared the nightmares that haunted me ever since Merethe died. She had been able to make me forget about them. As if her presence was enough to take it all away. To turn nightmares into dreams I didn't want to wake up from.
-You are afraid of your dreams? –Hanji asked, placing her hand on my shoulder and allowing it to rest there in a motherly manner.
-Yes…-I said quietly, not wanting to dwell on the subject any longer.
-What are you so afraid of? –Erwin pressed, sitting upright and crossing his arms.
-Both of them. I fear them. I fear my dead fiancée and my dead mother. –I hissed. Anger filled me unknowingly. I had been too weak to save them. I couldn't save either of them. I kept beating myself for it over and over.
Hanji sighed and she undid my fist, massaging my tense hand. I hadn't noticed the fact that I had started crying. I furiously wiped the tears away and composed myself.
-It's alright, Levi. We're here for you. –Erwin murmured, trying to convince me. It sounded like he was trying to convince himself.
-We can't keep on beating ourselves for this…-Hanji said, standing up. I lifted my head and looked at her.
-We're not. –I lied, frowning at her sudden change. I looked at her eyes. They were dead. They looked dead. She kept trying to hold on. She missed Merethe as much as I did, yet she was doing a better job at smiling than I did.
-Yes, we are. We have to move on. We can't mourn her forever. We all loved her deeply, yes. Perhaps some of us more than others, but we all did nonetheless. –Erwin admitted, standing up as well. I knew he was referring to me when he said it.
Erwin stood next to Hanji, looking at me. Were they expecting me to stand up and look like an idiot next to them? I wasn't going to give them the pleasure of joining them in their stupid heroic speech.
-She wouldn't want us to be like this. We must move on. You have to live. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for her. –Erwin spoke up again, stretching his hand out to me. He had lost his adoptive daughter. He had raised her. He had seen her bleed during training. He had prepared her for battle.
I couldn't remain buried in depression and grief forever. I could bottle it up and move on. Set an example for all those shitty cadets. He was fucking right. I took his hand and stood up next to them. Hanji wrapped her arm around me and grinned.
-We can all still be a team, Shorty. –She said, chuckling.
-Shut it, Shitty glasses. –I snapped at her.
-You are like my little brother, idiot. I'm not letting anything happen to you. –She replied, laughing. Erwin chuckled. Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad to let her go. Perhaps it wouldn't be so fucked up.
-You are not my friend. –I joked, though my voice still remained low.
I'd try and live. I wouldn't marry anyone. I wouldn't fall in love with anyone. I couldn't. But I could try and survive.
-Whatever helps you sleep, asshole. –She answered, punching me in the shoulder playfully.
-Alright, you two. We have plans to make. –Erwin said, bringing us out of our fight.
-Let's go. –Hanji ordered, letting me go and following Erwin.
I looked over at the table before leaving. There used to be four chairs in that table. Only three remained. As long as the three chairs stood their ground for as long as I managed to survive, it was a good enough reason to wake up.
-Now, my dear, we are golden leaves. –I whispered, fully aware of the fact that we were all walking down the same road. Walking down the road that led to a certain death. A road in which at its end, Merethe waited for us. Words couldn't describe the relationship we had.
But what's left to say when every word has been spoken?
"We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated." –Maya Angelou
A/N: I hope you enjoyed. Feel free to review, it really does help me out a lot.