Within Temptation©
Chapter Thirty-six: Searching
By Genevieve Lee
--
I measure every grief I meet
with analytic eyes;
I wonder if it weighs like mine,
or has an easier size.
-Emily Dickinson
--
Erik.
I didn't know what to do once the door of Carmen's house finally closed, blocking me off from my wife, but one thing was positively sure: I could not attempt to go back and force Audrey to go with me at this moment like I longed to. I knew it would only make her feel resentful and, if possible, make the situation worse than it already was.
But I was loathe to leave her as well, and hesitated outside the door before sighing. I knew there was nothing else to do but what she requested, and so I left. I didn't even notice the cold air around me and the rain on the ground until a patch of ice made me catch my step in order to stay upright. It was then I noticed the frigidness of the air and the fog that hovered as well.
If it had not been for my daft mistake, Audrey and I could be at home in our library enjoying some warm tea and a book of poetry. Or perhaps we would have been sitting in my music room, she next to me as I played for her. But because of the course of events that had taken place, Audrey was furious with me, and not in our home, and there was a possibility she would not want to return. When I had first seen Christine standing in my doorway, my first instinct had been to turn her away and force her to come back at a more appropriate time. I would do anything to go back and listen to that instinct. Because of her, I faced the chance of losing the woman I not only loved, but who loved me equally in return. I had lost it for such a fickle reason.
I am many things: a musician, an architect, a ventriloquist, an artist, an inventor, a magician…but there in one skill that lies beyond my range: and that is to be able to turn back time. At that moment, I would have given anything to be able to change my decisions.
I felt like destroying something and screaming with rage, but instead I found myself standing on the road that was wet from the rain. My carriage was nowhere to be seen; it had gone and it had taken Christine with it. I knew I would never see her again, and yet I felt no remorse. It was not a loss this time around, but more of a mutual parting. The boy would forgive her, or blame the entire thing on me, like I bloody well cared, and they would live out in bliss for the rest of their days. I only hoped I could be so sure in my own marriage.
Our home was about ten miles from the Montagues, and I found myself thankful for the long walk in order to think. By now it was late into the night, and almost no one was about. I was quite alone, and in more senses than one. I was so deep in thought that I didn't feel the decreasing degrees, even when the cold bit into my clothes. I was not dressed to walk a long while in the rain and frozen night, and I could feel it did have an effect on me when I eventually did make it home.
The inside of my body felt frozen, and my throat ached from the constant wintry air on it. All of my limbs, my fingers and toes especially, were completely numb with the cold. I hardly noticed though, and I collapsed on my bed in exhaustion, and fully dressed in my wet clothing, and fell asleep, not waking until the next morning.
When I did emerge from my slumber, it was with despair and the horrible realization that I should have taken better care of myself. I rarely got sick, and had seen Audrey through illness twice already in our marriage, but I could not even remember the last time I had had a simple cold. It was obvious as soon as I stood that I was ailing. My body ached and felt hot, yet I was extremely cold.
It did not take the maid long to accost me and ask if I would be needing anything, and I sent her away, telling her not to return for another week, at least. I gave her sufficient money for lodgings and other necessities, but I did not want her in our home when Audrey was not present and I was not in good health.
The next two days passed quickly, luckily. I lay in bed most of the time, both in self loathing and in sickness. I had not been able to get any real food down, and so I had had only water and broths. What I really longed for was a wife to take care of me and fuss over every little thing. No…I didn't want a wife, I wanted Audrey.
That was why when the appointed forty-eight hours was up, I forced myself to dress in clean clothes and emerge from the house. I had our carriage driver, whom had his own lodging house on the property and so had not been a problem these last two days, bring the carriage around. He said nothing of the past events, and took me straight to the Montagues home without a word.
I was anxious to arrive, and nervous as well. My goal was to simply convince her to come home with me and we would discuss things there. I knew I would not be able to stand to be away from her much longer.
Upon arriving, I stepped from the carriage quickly and knocked on the door, and when their butler answered the door, he looked to have been expecting me because he sent me straight to one of their drawing rooms.
I sat shakily on one of the chairs; still feeling clammy, and accepted the hot cup of tea I was offered. I only waited a moment before Carmen glided in, and I immediately noticed several pieces of parchment clutched in her hands.
"Mrs. Montague," I acknowledged carefully, as she had doubtlessly heard the entire story by now, "where is my wife?"
I was not expecting her next words, and so when they were uttered, my heart stuttered in my chest.
"I'm terribly sorry, Erik, but she left. I woke to find her gone this morning with only a note in her stead. One for me, and one for you," she said, offering me the closed envelope that had my name written across the front in Audrey's clean script.
I didn't speak as my trembling hands opened up the note and my eyes hungrily devoured the words upon the paper.
Erik,
I write this as our appointed meeting approaches, and I have realized I still will not be ready to speak with you. I am sorry, but I have gone somewhere else for the time being.
Do not blame or question Carmen or her husband. They know nothing, and this is how I intend it to be. They have been wonderful to me and I did not want to drag them into this mess.
I will come to you when I am ready.
Regards,
Audrey Cross
It did not escape my notice that she signed her maiden name at the bottom, and, enraged, I looked up and Carmen and demanded to see the letter Audrey had left her. She quickly handed it over, looking nervous.
Carmen, my Dear Friend,
I, first of all, must thank you for opening your home up to me when I was in such a crisis. Rest assured I would do the same for you if it had been the other way around, though I hope this type of event never falls upon you.
But I find that I do not have the courage to face Erik tomorrow night, and so I am leaving. Do not fear, for I will be safe. I would give you more information, but Erik will almost certainly want to see this letter as well. I do not want you to be in the way of my husband and I, as it is a risky place to be.
I shall write to you soon, and know how very much I love you.
Your Beloved Friend,
Audrey Jane
Obviously signing "Cross" instead of "Destler" had been a direct hit at me as she had not done the same on Carmen's letter. I tossed Carmen's note to her, but folded mine and put it in my coat pocket before eyeing my wife's friend.
"You know nothing else?" I asked severely.
"No," she said almost as soon as I finished speaking.
"She could be in danger out there alone," I said logically. "Surely you don't want you friend in peril?"
I saw her visibly pale, assuring me that she knew more than she was leading on to, but she still proved to be a useless resource.
"No—of course not, but I can honestly say I do not know where she is."
Another talent of mine is that I can tell when people are lying, and I could tell she was not, which infuriated me. My wife had thought this through well.
"Then I shall find her," I stated before turning to leave, different possibilities already listing themselves in my mind.
"Erik—wait!"
I was surprised to feel her hand on my arm, and I turned to face her with a gesture of expectancy.
"Are you alright? You look a little…sick."
"I will be fine once I find my wife," I said, and with that, I left, already knowing where I was going next.
--
There were only three places I could think of where she would go. She had assured Carmen she would be safe, and so I doubted she would do anything as stupid as walk around London aimlessly. The first place I checked was also the closest, which was her parent's home. I doubted she would be there, but I did not want to go to the other two places, find she was not there, and wish I had checked here first. No…it was best to just get this out of the way.
I did not knock on the door or invite myself in. I simply…ah…spied on them, to be quite frank. There was no need to cause suspicion or worry for them if she was not there. I looked through the different windows, locating each person in her family. Her parents sat in a parlor, reading, while Rachel was in her room writing in a journal, by the looks of it. They all seemed completely normal and at peace, and after scanning the rest of the house, I accepted she was not there.
Although it was only the first place I had looked and I also had not expected her to be there, I was starting to become very worried. What is she had acquired money somehow and was staying at some lodging house in London? It would take days, weeks, to find her if that were the case, and I knew I would not cease looking for her until she was found.
Becoming a little frantic, I told my driver to push the horses to our next location: Nadir's home. When she had been contemplating on how to tell me that she was loved me, she had snuck off to my friend's house to speak with him about it, leading to the biggest fight in our marriage. Well, until now, at least. But I saw there was no reason she would not trust him again.
I arrived there rather quickly, and once I did, I bounded up the steps of his flat and rapped roughly on his door.
The poor man was so used to middle of the night visits that when he answered the door in his bedclothes, he simply gestured me over the threshold without a word.
"What brings you here, my friend?" he asked once I walked inside.
I could already tell he knew nothing by his state of calm and his ignorant manner, but I still had to sit down, as the walk from the carriage to his home had exhausted me. I collapsed in a chair, trying to hide the shivering my body was going into; one of the many signs of fever.
"Erik—are you ill? Where is Audrey?"
"That—" I said between gasping breaths, "is what I am trying to find out. Have you seen her Nadir? Received any type of communication from her?"
Shock and then worry registered in Nadir's face as he said, "No, no, I haven't heard a word! What is going on?"
I bent my head, letting it fall into my hands. Speaking of my disgrace out loud for the first time made it more real, and it made me completely aware that it was my entire fault that Audrey was somewhere in this world alone, and without my protection. What kind of husband was I if I could not even protect my own wife?
"Oh, Nadir," I moaned, "I've ruined everything!"
I then told him the entire story up until the point I was at now, and when I was finished, I knew it was time for me to leave and continue looking.
"I must go," I said, standing, "I have to find her tonight!"
"Erik, you are to not going anywhere! You are burning with a fever," he said, reaching out as if to restrain me. "You are no use to Audrey if you are dead."
I moved away so he could not grab me. "No, Nadir. I must leave! I know where she is, and a simple fever will not stand in the way of my reunion with her."
"And where is she?" he questioned incredulously.
"At her sister's home. It is the only other place she could have gone."
"Erik, if she is there, you know she is safe. Please, I beg of you to stay here for a day or two to get better and then you may go on this crazy rampage after your wife!"
"I thank you for your concern," I said with finality, "but I am going to my wife tonight, and no one is going to stop me."
"Erik," he said grimly, "you are not as young as you used to be."
I turned to him and gave a light agreeing nod. "I know," I acknowledged, "and that is precisely why I must go to her tonight. I will not lose another day with her."
He fell silent, and watched me go without a fuss, knowing there was nothing he could do to stop me.
When I returned back outside I knew different arrangements would have to be made. If I was going to go all the way to Jacqueline and George's house that night, I would need to find a different carriage. I knew my driver and the horses he had could not make it all the way there after gallivanting around for almost the entire night already. Instead, I told him to go home, and I quickly found another gentleman who was easily persuaded with the right price to take me where I needed to go.
This carriage ride was a long one, and in the time I sat within the cab, I knew my fever was getting worse. When you have a fever such as this, I was aware you needed rest and plenty of fluids, and instead I was running around in the middle of the cold night in search for my wife. It left me exhausted, but my mind would not let me sleep.
Instead, I sat in the coach, wide awake, but with my eyes closed to control the nausea I felt at the jolting of the carriage. What seemed like eternity seemed to pass, but finally, we were there.
I paid the man and sent him on his way, wanting to be completely alone to prepare myself. I found that my body was still extremely shaky, if not more so, and yet I was burning. I could feel the sweat on my face, and I removed my mask to wipe at it before replacing it.
It was then I unsteadily made my way to the door, grasping at fence posts and yard decorations, and finally, at the door to help me to climb up the steps. I was extremely weak and overdrawn, and it was only after Audrey's sister opened the door that I collapsed.
--
Genny's Note: I am so terribly sorry for waiting so long to update! But I got really sick and I was unable to do much of anything productive this last week. But I am on the verge of recovery, although it seems like our poor Erik is not!
I am hoping to have more time to write this weekend to not keep you guys waiting long. Thank you to all who have reviewed or simply read! I am glad to know others are enjoying my form of art.