Chapter Thirty-four
"Dude ... what happened?" - Squat Lord post-3rd Ed After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan. Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - Rick Priestly's Laptop!!
Hah! I knew someone was still reading the copypasta intro!EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Well I didn't, and for making me look like a fool and scan backwards to see what the hell Lorgar was on about - REJECTED!"
Massive burst of psychic energy consumes Lastie.Dorn: "What happened?"
Lorgar: "Dad just destroyed the narrator again"
EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "I was just looking for an excuse, I've been reading his posts over in the 40K Background forum! YOU DARE BLASPHEME AGAINST ME?!?"
Ouch ... that hurt ... thank God for Author's Saving Throw (2+ We Get To Do Anything We Want Save) ...EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Meh. This isn't over! Not by a long shot! Watch your back ... for my sword is sharp and flamey and covered in cheese! My armour is gold and shiny ... very shiny ... which will hurt your eyes and guide my blade! Watch your-" The Emperor's voice trails away as his Golden Wheelchair is led away by Malcador the Sigilite ...Lorgar: "Oh thank the Gods for that ... right, shall we-" The theme tune for CSI: Miami plays from his pocket. "-oh ... hold on guys ..." He pulls out a mobile Warp-phone.
Dorn: "Neat ringtone ..."
Lorgar: "What? Oh hello dear ... erm ... can this wait? Food's getting cold? Well I'm sorry the quest's going on longer than I- ... OK dear ... what? Can we talk abou- ... OK dear ... the couch it is ..." He hangs up and sighs.
Dorn: "So ... how's the whole 'godlike being of absolute power' working for you?"
Lorgar: "Apparently no-one at GW was married when they wrote, otherwise they would know of the absolute power of the wife ... can we hurry this up? I've already been banned to the couch for the next year ..."
We strip away the pseudo-scene that has existed so far to reveal where we left our heroes last time - in the battle room of the Vengeful Spirit III ...
Eldrad: "Poor you ..."
Lorgar: "Hey - I don't think someone screwing Slaanesh has the right to comment about someone involved in a stable relationship"
Eldrad: "Very stable - it's obvious who wears the trousers in your pairing"
Horus: "Hen-pecked somewhat, Lorgar?"
Lorgar: "Hey! Quiet!"
Abaddon: Ignoring the general laughter. "We've touched down on Terra, the Necrons have arranged a welcome party"
Horus: "What manner of foul xenos-tech does it feature?"
Abaddon: "Apparently, according to Logan, some 'damn sweet ale and tasty cheese buiscuits ..."
Horus: "What?!?"
Vulkan: "So you were being literal when you said 'welcome party'?"
Abaddon: "Indeed. The foul Deceiver has pulled a fast one on us and trapped our forces in a spiral of alcohol and rock music!"
Horus: "But ... we don't have Armour Saves against Nirvana!"
Abaddon: "Indeed. I fear the Siege of Terra has failed before it has even begun!"
Eldrad: "This is sad news indeed ... Taldeer ... I need speak to Yriel ..."
Taldeer: "Of course sir"
She mutters something, then Uriel Ventris appears.
Uriel: "Hello? Anything I can do for you guys? Can we make this short? Graham McNeil wants me back for my new book ..."
Eldrad: "Taldeer, have you still got shrapnel embedded in your ears? I asked for Yriel, not Uriel!"
Taldeer: "Oh ... him ... sorry ... " She mutters something else, and Uriel Ventris disappears to be replaced by everyone's favourite Eldar pirate.
Yriel: "Hey! Eldrad! Dude! Long time no see!"
Eldrad: "I wonder why ... look, I wouldn't call you and suffer your annying Path-free attitude to life without a reason: the Siege of Terra has faltered due to the Deceiver's use of 'alternative measures'. We need someone who can enjoy drink, drugs and rock and roll without forgetting the mission"
Yriel: "That's me! I'm your man!"
Eldrad: "I know ... unfortunately ... look go slap those Imperials back onto track for us, please?"
Yriel: "Sure, mind if I take a few friends for help? They got written out of the new Eldar Codex, so they're feeling kinda down at the moment"
Eldrad: "Sure ... whatever"
Yriel: "Cheers man!"
Yriel disappears.
Eldrad: "Right, that's that problem hopefully sorted. Vulkan and Alpharius - continue your search for the Key. Roboute Guilliman can endure the hospitality of the Necrontyr until we obtain the powers of the Fish of Time"
Vulkan: "I'm sure he'll be disappointed to miss out on the action"
Alpharius: "With any luck Rob and the Outsider will destroy each other in a clash of insanities ..."
Dorn: "We can but hope ..."
Eldrad: "Dorn, you Perturabo and Corax must defeat these infiltrators from WARMACHINE and obtain the key, are you up to this task?"
Perturabo: "I was born ready. We'll show those 'plastic is for wimps' idiots who's boss!"
Eldrad: "Excellent. The rest of you know what to do-"
Horus: "Excuse me. Not to sound ungrateful ... but WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE XENOS TO ORDER US PRIMARCHS?!?!"
Eldrad: "The guy who knows what you did last summer"
Horus: "You mean with the ... in the ... with ... involving ... and custard?"
Eldrad: Nods.
Horus: "OK guys ... you heard the xenos! Roll out! Primarch-style!"
Dorn: "Insert pumped-up team cry here"
Horus: "Indeed"
The images quickly all vanish, except for Abaddon.
Abaddon: "One quick question. Is the Fish of Time real?"
Eldrad: "Oh he is. The Emperor refuses to believe in him because it means there's an entity more powerful than he. It's an ego thing I believe ..."
EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "I HEARD THAT! REJECTED!!!"
Nothing happens.Eldrad: "Excellent. I passed my Author's Saving Throw"
EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "For the love of ...!"
Sucks ... doesn't it?EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Oh ... it's on!"
Eldrad: "You two take it outside. I've got vast amounts of plotting to do"
Abaddon: "So we could actually do this? Travel back in time and defeat the C'tan?"
Eldrad: "Indeed"
Abaddon: "Very well. I will do my part"
Abaddon disappears.
Torgaddon: "Far be it for me to point something out, considering I'm supposed to be the comic relief here ... but wouldn't destroying the C'tan before the War in Heaven result in a change of the timeline, probably preventing the Imperium of Man from existing?"
Eldrad: Smiles ...Torgaddon: "Because if the War in Heaven never existed .. then the Old Ones will still be around ... and the Eldar ... oh dear"
Eldrad: "Taldeer?"
Taldeer: "PMT-POWERED PSYCHIC ELDRITCH BLAST!!!"
Torgaddon dissolves in an aura of psychic energy.
Eldrad: "Indeed. The Eldar Empire will not fall, the Imperium of Man will not exist, and Chaos will be a small echo in the Warp. Everyone wins ... well ... just us Eldar I suppose ..."
Taldeer: "Phase 2?"
Eldrad: "Phase 2"
Taldeer: "Shall I get the cheese and crackers to celebrate?"
Eldrad: "Yes ... I do fancy some cheese right now"