SOPHIA
At first I couldn't understand why I woke up, but then I recognized Dean's hand on the side of my face. Why was he waking me up?
"Soph?" he whispered, and I muttered something to answer him. I heard a low chuckle, and his hand pulled a strand of hair from my face. I opened my eyes, and it was almost as black as when they were closed.
"What time is it?" I asked, waiting for my eyes to adjust. I could see his dark silhouette above me, but that was it.
"Four thirty," he answered, sounding very awake. Four thirty in the morning. What was I doing awake?
"Why am I awake?" I asked, my voice still deep with sleep.
"I didn't want to wake you, but I figured you wanted to say goodbye," he murmured back.
"You're leaving," I remembered. "We never got to use the bed."
He chuckled, so he understood what I meant.
"We'll have plenty of time with that when I come back."
"When are you coming back?"
I was pretty sure we had already gone through this, but I was too tired to remember anything else than that he was going away on a hunt.
"It's just a salt and burn. I'll be back in a few days."
Good.
"Kiss," I demanded and I heard him chuckle again. But a second later I felt his lips against mine. I closed my eyes and kissed him back with all I had in me. God, I wanted him to stay with me. But I didn't let the fear of him leaving mix itself into the kiss, because then he wouldn't leave. And he needed to leave. I knew that he would come back soon, but I was still scared. Scared of being alone. It was ridiculous, I knew that. I had never been scared of being alone before. But now when Dean was back with me... I never wanted to let go again. And that's exactly what I was going if I let him leave.
But I had to.
"Don't do this to me," he murmured against my lips as I deepened the kiss to prolong the moment. I let my lips linger on his for a moment before I fully let go.
"I love you," I told him and opened my eyes again to look at him.
"You too," he answered and I smiled because I heard how true it was.
"Come back," I said then and he leaned down against me again.
"Always," he promised and placed a chaste kiss on my lips. "Go back to sleep."
I felt him leaning away and then he left the bed. I heard the door closing quietly and I knew he was gone.
I glanced at the white rose in my hand and then sighed before I gently lay it on the stone. I sighed because I felt guilty. And I shouldn't. No, I hadn't been here in forever but I hadn't had the... Not time, because I had had plenty of that. I just hadn't had the energy.
I sat down on the ground, and sighed again as I realized it would be hard to get up. But I didn't bother and looked at the two names on the stone.
"I'm sorry I haven't been here in forever. I can't even remember the last time. It felt... not wrong, but I just couldn't find myself actually being able to come here. I don't know why, though. It's always been easy for me to come here. This is where I always came whenever I feel down or sad, or mad, or anything. So me not coming here... It might have something to do with the fact that Dean's grave wasn't that far away. I guess you know he's back with me. If you can call it that. Sure, he's alive and with me and I can feel how much he loves me... But he left for a hunt this morning. I can't really blame him for leaving me – he didn't even want to. But I forced him. It's my own fault I miss him. It's my own fault I'll probably won't be able to sleep tonight. It's my own fault I'm worried. God, it's just a salt and burn. It's nothing. And he'll be home soon – in a few days. But I'm still scared. Scared of losing him again. Scared of being alone. Scared of not being able to fall asleep tonight. When he came back a week ago, that was the first time I slept in a bed again. In my bed again. And it's amazing to feel his warm, breathing body next to mine. And tonight I won't have that, and I'm scared I'm going to feel like I did when he was gone. And I don't want that. So I'll hope that I'll be able to sleep in my new comfortable bed tonight. And every night until he comes home again. But until then, I have a lot of work to do. I'll be working at the restaurant every day starting tomorrow. It's just lunch, so it's okay. And when I'm not working, then I have unpacking to do. We were up until two last night, and there is still so much things left to do. So many things to unpack and put together again."
I stayed at the grave for another hour and talked about almost everything. Then I got up, said goodbye and left.
DEAN
I watched, impatient to see the outline of the island. But I knew it would take a while. If it hadn't been raining so much, I would have seen it minutes ago. But I could barely see more than a few feet ahead of me.
When I finally saw the harbor, I hurried back to my car where Sam already sat. Well, not already. He hadn't left the car at all. He didn't want to get wet. Wuss.
He laughed when I started the car a moment later. Yes, I had several cars before me, but I could still start mine. That way I would be gone from here faster.
I knew what he was thinking. He was thinking that I was impatient, and I couldn't deny it. We had been gone for four days, and I just wanted to get home. And be with Soph. To make sure she was alright.
I felt it in the kiss she gave me before I left. I heard it when she told me to come back. She didn't want me to leave. She wanted me next to her. But she let me leave, because she thought I had to. I didn't have to do anything. But I did it because she wanted me to. And the hunt had been no different than the others.
I knew Soph was fine alone. She had always been, and would always be. But I wasn't completely sure she wanted to anymore. Yes, she was fine with me leaving a room and with not being able to see me every second. But when we were together, she would get closer if she thought I was too far away. She would hold me tighter. She would kiss me deeper. But other than that, everything was the way they had always been. Soph was independent, and she didn't need anyone's help.
But something was bothering me. The kiss she gave me right before I left – it held something I couldn't recognize. There was a feeling she didn't want me to know about. It had been right there on the surface, ready to mix itself into the kiss if she just let it. But she hadn't. And it bothered me that I didn't know what it was.
The number of cars in front of me started to move, and so did I. As soon as I was off the ferry, I turned and accelerated. I knew exactly where Soph was. So if Sam wanted to get home, he would have to wait. Because I was going down to the restaurant.
But Sam didn't complain as I parked outside. No, instead he climbed outside with me, and told me he would take a shift. Neither of us had been sleeping for a while, so I couldn't understand why he wanted to work. But I wouldn't stop him.
So when I stopped inside, he continued downstairs to change. I saw Kathy, but I didn't have the chance to tell her to tell Soph that I was here.
"I'll tell her you're here," she said over her shoulder. "But I'll warn you – she's not in the best mood today."
I saw her disappear into the kitchen with plates, and knew she would be out soon again.
For a second I wondered why Soph wasn't in a good mood, but figured I would just figure it out when I saw her.
Kathy came back a few seconds later with a few plates to put out to the guests. As she walked by me, she told me Soph would be out in five minutes.
So I sat down in the bar and waited. But after almost five minutes, I walked behind it to take something to drink. I did this all the time. So I took a glass and was about to fill it when I heard Soph.
"Get your ass back from there," she said and I put the glass down. No, she was not in a good mood and there was no reason to make it worse. So when I walked out from behind the bar, I looked at her and tried to figure out why she was like this. It wasn't hard. She was exhausted. It looked like she had barely slept anything tonight. Or any other night for that matter.
"You're back," she relaxed as she walked into my arms and I placed a kiss on the top of her head.
"You're tired," I stated and she leaned out from my arms.
"Yeah, I haven't been sleeping much."
"Why?" I wanted to know. If it was because I had been gone, then I definitely wouldn't leave again. If it was because of something else, than maybe I could fix it.
I cupped her face, and she leaned into my hand slightly and sighed.
"She's been kicking like crazy. She usually doesn't kick at night, but every time I was about to fall asleep she was there to wake me up."
No, she hadn't been sleeping. And no, she wasn't in the best mood. But I could hear the tenderness in her voice when she talked about our baby. She loved her. A lot. And man, I was definitely closing in on her. I had known about our baby for a week and a half, and I already loved our little girl.
I leaned my forehead against Soph's, and looked into her eyes.
"I missed you," she whispered and I let myself smile.
"I missed you," I answered simply, and the corners of her mouth curved into the smile I knew and loved.
"I need to get back in there," she sighed after a short moment.
"Already?" I asked, wanting to hold her longer. She leaned out of my arms and nodded.
"I have a break in twenty minutes. I'll be out soon again," she said, turning around. But she froze as she saw Sam come upstairs and out onto the floor.
"What do you think you're doing?"
"Taking a shift," Sammy explained, looking at Soph.
"No, you're not," she almost snapped. I fought back my smile.
"Yes, I am," Sam argued. "I'm taking a shift, whether you like it or not."
"I'm your boss, and you're not working," Soph said and this time I had to fight a chuckle. I had no idea how this would end.
"I'm also your brother-in-law, and I'm taking a shift."
I heard Soph sigh, and I knew what she was thinking. She didn't have time for this. Or the energy.
"Fine. Get your ass behind the bar, give your brother something to drink and I want you out of here at ten o'clock." Soph walked into the kitchen as Sam walked behind the bar.
"Oh, man, I feel sorry for you," Sam chuckled. "I can't believe you were impatient to get back to that."
"She's barely been sleeping anything," I explained and sighed as Sam gave me a beer.
"We don't get like that when we don't sleep," Sam smirked and I chuckled. I knew this must be hard on Soph, but truth be told, I found it quite sexy when she was bossy.
Sammy got to work then, and I was starting to dry when Soph came back out. She held a plate in her hand, and placed it on a table in a corner. She then walked behind the bar, got a glass of coke and walked back to the table. I took my beer and followed her. As I sat down, she pulled her black chef coat off. She was wearing a white top underneath, and it was easy to see that she had been growing in just these four days.
"How did it go?" she asked as she sat down and started to eat. I told her about the hunt, and I also told her we had went by the Roadhouse. Ellen and the rest had been shocked to see me alive, but accepted it fairly quickly. Of course they wanted answers I couldn't give them. But as soon as the word 'angel' was out of Sam's mouth, Ash took out his laptop and started with the research. He hadn't found anything new by the time we left. And even though Ash is the best out there, I doubted he would.
"When is your shift over?" I wondered as Soph pushed the empty plate aside.
"When we close the place down," she murmured, looking exhausted just at the thought.
"So, late," I stated and she nodded. The place was still crowded, so she wouldn't be home until late this night. Around two maybe.
"You need to sleep."
"I can do that when I get back," she sighed and put a hand on her stomach.
"Is she kicking?" I wanted to know, and Soph smiled softly.
"No. Just moving. She seems calmer now than before somehow."
"You're not worried anymore," I murmured, placing my hand on Soph's. I wrapped my free arm around her waist and pulled her closer.
Soph bit her lip for a second and met my eyes. "You think that's why?"
"I don't know," I answered her. Couldn't that be the case? If she had been worried, like I knew she had, wouldn't the baby feel it then? Maybe get more restless? I had no idea, but it was my only guess.
"Maybe," she murmured to herself and leaned her head against my shoulder. We were quiet for a few minutes before I spoke.
"I'm hungry." My words made Soph let out a small chuckle and she met my eyes again.
"Go home, and look in the fridge," she answered simply. "I have to get back in there."
"Already?" I wondered as she stood up.
"My break is over, and they need the help."
I stood up with her, grabbing her right hand. I twisted our fingers together, and cupped her face with my left hand.
"I didn't get to kiss you properly," I murmured and leaned down. Actually, I hadn't kissed her at all yet. I let our lips meet each other gently, and she deepened the kiss before I had the chance to. I let my lips linger on hers before I fully let go.
"I'll see you in a few hours," I murmured and felt her smiling.
"Go home and sleep," she answered me, took a step back and put her coat back on. Then she grabbed the plate and her glass, and walked into the kitchen again.
I woke up by a big thunder, and realized it was still raining outside. More than before. And there was a thunderstorm. Great.
I traced my hand over the bed, and realized that Soph wasn't there. Which she should, because it was closer to morning than midnight.
I rolled out of bed and walked downstairs, where I found Soph. She was standing with her back against me, looking out the windows. It was pitch black outside, and I knew she couldn't see anything.
I walked up to her and snaked my arms around her. She leaned back against me and I rested my chin on the top of her head.
"Did I wake you?" she murmured and I told her she didn't.
"You should sleep," I stated and felt her cringe when there was another noisy thunder.
"You know I can't," she whispered and I wrapped her closer. Yeah, I knew that. My girl wasn't just afraid of spiders. And thunderstorms beat just about everything.
"How long have you been home?" I asked, trying to change her thoughts.
"An hour maybe," she said, but she was still thinking about the thunder. And right when she talked, there was another lightning strike and she cringed again. I decided to lead her to the couch where we sat down. I wrapped her closer, and she rested her legs over my lap.
We were quiet for a moment, and I started to think that maybe it wasn't the thunder that held her thoughts. Not all of them. At some short moments, I could see something flicker over her eyes, and I wasn't quite sure what it was. Despair? She almost looked betrayed and wounded. I couldn't quite figure it out, and I had to ask.
"What's on your mind?"
She looked up at me for a short moment, and then she left the couch. She came back a minute later and handed something to me.
"That," she muttered, and I looked at it. A book?
"A book?" I voiced my thought, and she shook her head.
"I was going through Mom's stuff today. That's her journal from the year dad died. She lied. To all of us."
I placed the journal beside me, and wrapped Soph closer to me. She put her legs up on the couch, and leaned them against mine.
I didn't say anything as I waited for her to explain.
"She always told us they had the perfect marriage. But the day before he died, she wrote that Dad wanted to file for a divorce."
"What are you talking about?" I asked her. He wanted to file for a divorce? Why? From what Deb had always told Soph and the rest, they did have a great marriage. They had everything.
Soph bit her lip, and closed her eyes. It was easy to see that she was trying to fight her tears.
"Mom had an affair. For years. And eventually Dad found out about it. They weren't even living together when..." she trailed off when her voice broke for a second time.
Deb had an affair? What the hell? How could she do something like that? I mean, no, I didn't have a past of good relationships, or relationships at all, but I had never been able to understand people who was unfaithful. Married or not, if you're together with someone, you're together with someone. And only that someone. You're supposed to be faithful with that someone. Devote that someone. And that person should be able to trust you. And you're supposed to trust that someone. You are supposed to respect each other. Being with Soph, and loving her, had taught me so much. And that was just a small, small part of it.
"How could she do that to him?" Soph suddenly asked, her voice fierce. "And why did she lie to us about it every time we had a question? She said they had the perfect marriage, but she had an affair. It can't have been the perfect marriage. Did he ever do something to her? Or was she just plain stupid? Did she..."
"Soph," I tried to hush her when her tears became too much.
"I'm fine," she promised and pulled herself together. "Just let me talk."
I nodded and waited for her to speak. It took a short moment, but when she spoke her voice was calmer than it had been just recently.
"I don't believe in them anymore. I don't believe in the memory I have of them. He looked so in love, and I must have told myself she looked too. She couldn't have loved him. Not if she was sleeping with someone else. You can't be in love, and do something like that. That memory... I wish I didn't have it. I wish that Tess and I had never sneaked down the stairs to watch them dance that night. Because all we saw was a lie. Was Dad even my Dad?" her voice was so small as she asked that question, and it broke my heart to see her like this. She didn't deserve this. Hadn't she been through enough already? And for her to doubt her parents... To doubt that her Dad was her Dad, her sister to be her sister and her brother to be her brother...
"Come here," I murmured and wrapped her closer. I felt her arm come around my back as she rested the other arm on my side. A tear rolled down over my shoulder, and I wrapped her even closer.
I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to convince her that her father was just that. Her father. Because I couldn't know. I had no idea. And I hated that I could do absolutely nothing to comfort her right now. To take those tears away.
"I love you," I whispered after a moment of silence. She didn't answer me. Instead she burrowed herself closer to me, and I felt more tears roll down her cheeks.
I sat there, just holding her, as she relaxed more and more. Eventually her tears dried, and she manged to fall asleep. I smiled a little bit, knowing that she was comfortable enough to fall asleep even though the thunderstorm outside was worse than ever.
AUGUST
"And what do you think you're doing?" I asked as I watched Soph pull her shirt over her head.
"I'm cold," she answered, smiling my way.
"It's august."
"It's night," she stated and I pressed my lips together as she tried to buckle her jeans. Which wasn't going that well.
I started laughing when it really wasn't working, and she was getting annoyed.
"This isn't funny. I'm fat," she complained, but she too couldn't hold her laughter back. "Mind giving me a hand?"
I walked up to her and turned her back against me. I snaked my arms around her, and grabbed the button of her jeans. It wasn't that hard to buckle them – I just couldn't understand why she had to wear her old jeans and not her maternity jeans. She looked just as sexy in them as in the old ones.
"You're not fat," I whispered in her ear before I turned her around again.
"So why was it hard to do what we just did?" she asked, smirking.
It wasn't hard. It just wasn't as easy anymore. And being on a hard dock, instead of in a soft bed, made it harder. Because the dock wouldn't shape itself after your body.
"We just have to get more inventive. And you're not fat, you're..."
"Fat," she finished for me.
"Bigger. I was going to say that you're bigger than before."
"But you really mean fat," she argued with me, and I laughed because I knew she wasn't serious. In fact, she was feeling more sexy than ever. I don't know what made her see what I always saw, but she did. And her sex drive was increasing. Not that I was complaining or anything.
"I have something for you," I told her and she half glared at me.
"We agreed on not giving each other anything," she argued and I sighed. Yes, we had agreed on that. But still, we had been married for a year today, and I wanted to give her something.
So I bent down and reached for my jeans. I searched in the back pocket, and found the tickets that I handed to her. After she had taken them, I started to get dressed again. Soph was right; it was sort of cold.
"I don't have anything for you," she apologized, fingering on the envelope.
"Wrong. You just gave me amazing sex on a dock. Open," I told her, and saw her purse her lips. But her mouth curved into a small smile, and she finally opened the gift.
"You didn't...?" she asked, shocked, as she held the two tickets in her hand.
"I did," I said simply as I pulled the t-shirt over my head.
"Just so you know, you're the one who's going with me," she stated, and I chuckled. I had expected so much. But the concert was over a month away.
She grabbed my shirt and pulled me closer right before she pulled her lips to mine. I kissed her back, and I felt her smiling.
"I feel bad for not giving you anything else than sex," she murmured, and I kissed her harder.
"Amazing sex," I corrected her right before I darted my tongue into her mouth. We stood like that, surrounded by the night, for a few minutes before she broke the kiss.
"I really enjoyed today," she told me, and I heard how true the words was. And I had too. We had spent the last couple of hours here, on our place – our dock.
"I don't want to ruin it, but you know we're leaving in an hour," I told her and she sighed.
"I know. So let's use it for something good, okay?"
"What do you have in mind?" I murmured right before her lips met mine again.