It's mid morning and slightly cool today. The sun keeps playing behind clouds that threaten rain over polis.
"Are you hungry?" Lexa asks Kai.
"No," Kai says quietly with a small shake of her head.
"Are you tired?"
"No," Kai says as she kicks a stone along their path.
"Okay." Lexa sighs and her face falls slightly as they continue to walk side by side through the city. That cycle of questioning is familiar and a bit repetitive with them the last few days.
She feels like a bit of a failure at the moment. Clarke asked her to look out for Kai and try to get her real smile back, the one that touched her eyes and their hearts.
She really wishes Clarke had of given her some jumping off points or a good idea of where to start. She really just feels like she is out of her element; She doesn't think of herself as the natural mothering type (no matter what Clarke says.)
She has been trying for days to get Kai back to her old self, months if she really thinks about. There was always an unconscious effort on Lexas part; call it concern or sympathy she doesn't care - she calls it love. She cares for the girl both for herself and also because she means so much to Clarke; it's killing them both to see Kai like this.
Kai's been withdrawn for a while, unlike her usual self; but it is always worse when Clarke is absent. The blonde is a natural with all of the kids but it's different with Kai; she bonded emotionally with her first and emotional tethers are what forges a lot of Clarke's close relationships.
The relationship with Kai is unlike the rest of the group; it is something born from grief. Something changed that day they were huddled in the warmth of Clarke's coat in the frozen woods while they mourned. Something blossomed while they slept in each other's comfort that night. Something that Ontaris warning confirmed when she inadvertently revealed Clarke's continued presence in Kai's life.
Clarke and lexa both have connected with her on different levels than the other noviciates. It's only natural but They've shared things together that can't be defined as anything simple. when you build a connection to each other through love and grief, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, to show pain and seek comfort from those who share it too, it just changes the dynamic.
It makes it special.
So yes, there are favourites in a way, the ones that make their way deep into your soul and touch your hearts, but there is no favouritism. Each child would be provided with what they seek, they need only be brave enough to look.
And that is where they differ.
They spend time with each student but each interaction varies. They learn quickly through observation during lessons and training who they are as people and a preview of who they will become.
Some are quiet, soft and inherently subordinate or subservient. Some are cocky, arrogant and too harsh. These, she knows already, will not make good commanders. Too soft and you'll be overthrown and dead in a week, too strict and your people revolt and you'll still die. History repeats itself and she has seen it before, but she is the first heda of her kind and has hopes to not be the last. Simply because of the select few she sees a bit of herself in.
Those that are more balanced, like Kai, Aden and zora. These are the most susceptible to and accepting of love despite Titus teachings in her class of noviciates.
The balanced ones will make good leaders because they are neither too soft nor too harsh; they are at equilibrium, able to inflict and accept pain. They see love as power as well as weakness; they're able to love despite the fear in their heart. They're brave because they know there are things more terrifying than death -like love- and still they open their hearts.
Love can equal loss and that is all it equals sometimes. The fear of loss can be crippling, debilitating to love, but the true power comes from using that fear of loss to drive you to love harder, to keep fighting. Love can be a weapon depending where you sit.
Love is motivation.
Fear of love and loss can leave you lost. It can leave you without purpose.
The wise know that Love is purpose.
The others are a little more guarded, a little less convinced of how it can be strength; it is obvious in their actions. They don't seek out or display comfort like the others and none of them as much as Kai.
But she was like that long before losing Maks or experience true loss or grief. She had always been compassionate, smart and kind. What lexa once considered as a slightly oversensitive child, she now sees that what's she perceived as 'oversensitivity' as empathy. It's a unique trait to find in the Warriors of grounder culture, even more unique to those of nightblood if the history of their kind is any proof.
It's actually a trait that, once Clarke had forced Lexa to look at who she was in the mirror, she came to a conclusion about: The only nightbloods she knows to have such a capacity for empathy other than herself are Kai, Aden and Zora. The only others she could think of are Alex, Becca (both long dead,) two of her own fellow novitiates (also dead) and Clarke (crawled back from death, commands it.)
Perhaps these few are a symbol to a new age, a new legacy of natblida...
It is along this train of thought that has Lexa frowning subtly as they walk.
An empathetic natblida is a rarity.
She glances at Kai and thinks about her and all of the others.
They're all a rarity. They're all different. They're all destined for different paths but have the same seat in mind.
She begins letting her mind wander a little further as she thinks about most natblidas not reaching the age of 18. She shivers as she recalls her own conclave and swallows the bile that always manages to creep up on her when she does so. She unconsciously flexes her hands it's as though she can still feel her brothers and sisters black blood on her hands. She swallows once more.
She clears her throat and slightly grimaces. Kai eyes her carefully from her side but says nothing as they continue their walk. Normally, Kai would be bubbly and full of questions, her curiosity would get the best of her, but she's not; you can see and hear the ghosts haunting her more often than not lately. Perhaps on her glance she saw and heard Lexa's.
It hurts.
It hurts Lexa to feel like she doesn't know how to help. Sometimes, she feels like she might have helped only to find Kai back in the funk later. Clarke says it's going to happen soon, Lexa says it takes as long as it takes.
Neither will stop trying.
She tried extra private training sessions in the night grove, assisting in meditation, time walking through the city and interacting with their people, she braided her hair; she even let Kai sneak into her bed with her the first night Clarke was away. She welcomed it gladly; it was like a touch of Clarke was with her, she's sure Clarke felt her love that night in constant waves.
It's rare for Kai to sleep with Lexa if Clarke is absent, except for a few naps here and there (a new development she quite enjoys, naps are their thing); she chalks this up to her being heda and Kai being apprehensive about overstepping even though Lexa has expressed her assurance that it's acceptable and welcomed.
She has been considering showing Kai a little more about herself, a way to let the girl know it's okay to connect with both Lexa and heda more freely. A way to let Kai know that deep down Lexa is always there. And it would all start with a little leather bound book, her personal journal, something that no one, not even Clarke, has ever read through cover to cover.
Being a quick learner and typically good at everything she finds herself getting a little disappointed in herself because, so far, nothing else was working. Allowing Kai to read her journal could be damaging if the information was revealed but she's thinking the risk would be worth the reward if it helped Kai come back to them. There's no denying it now, She cares for the girl deeply, she loves her like her own, and if she's truly honest with herself - the risk of being vulnerable is worth it for her family. She trusts Kai.
"Could we visit little bird?" Kai's voice breaks her thoughts.
Lexa tilts her head, "if that is what you want little one." She gives her a reassuring smile and gently pats her hand over Kai's hair.
"Maybe she's got the rover ready finally," Kai says pulling Lexa off in a different direction by her hand.
She doesn't let go.
Lexa smiles inwardly at the show of enthusiasm. She should have suggested that an hour ago before they left on their walk. Raven loves Kai, has already designated herself as 'auntie Rae', and Lexa has been conspiring with her for days on how to get Kai to loosen up. Unfortunately, most plans involved the Rover, which still sat motionless.
"I hope she's in a better mood today," Lexa says. "She was still pretty upset about not getting the rover to start the other day."
"Ravens a genius! She's allowed to be grumpy," Kai explains waving her free hand, "she says it's because she has to put up with average minds too often."
Lexa cocks an eyebrow and chuckles a little, "little bird thinks very highly of herself doesn't she."
"I do too, so I don't blame her," Kai hums.
Lexa nudges her and gives a little squeeze of her hand. "Same here, but we ought to keep that between us, if her head gets any bigger it may be the next thing that goes 'boom'."
Kai looks at her curiously pouting, "Do you think that's possible?"
"She has a proclivity for boom, I wouldn't put it past her."
A firm nod from Kai tells her she agrees.
When they arrive to the workshop they are greeted by the sound of a slurry of curse words both familiar and foreign to Kai and Lexa.
They continue even as the door opens.
"I swear if you fry this wire too I'm sending you to the bottom of the lake you stupid piece of shit! -Crackle-pop-smoking parts- Ah damnit! You ballsy son of a-"
"Raven!"
The mechanic looks up at who cut her off, "not exactly what I was going to say commander hot pants but close enough."
"Funny," Kai says. "You were going to say bitch but heda said your name instead - that's funny."
Raven gives the girl a small smile, there's sadness in it and she catches Lexa's eyes before she speaks, "you know laughing could have told us it was funny too. Usually when something's funny you laugh, you don't explain why you should be laughing Smolheda." Tiny Commander. (Yes, Raven made up a trig word.)
Kai shrugs and moves around the table, her eyes stay low, "heda's rarely laugh."
It catches both adults off guard.
"That's not true," Lexa says.
"I've seen proof of quite the opposite," Raven agrees.
Again Kai shrugs and looks at Lexa while she fiddles with one of Ravens tools, "I only see you laugh with Clarke or Raven or Octavia."
"Well maybe that's because we are the only ones with a good sense of humour," raven tries to help.
Lexa waves her hand dismissively, there is no need for Raven to try and protect or explain away why that is. Lexa can be honest with Kai, it's all part of revealing more of herself after all.
"I laugh out loud and freely with them and you because they are family, they know me as Lexa and call me such in private. Being heda does draw some lines around you Kai, lines Titus tells you to never cross, but to me - it is just as important to find those in your life that you allow across those lines. Those you trust with your life as well as your heart."
She comes closer to the girl and puts a hand on her shoulder, "Just because who you typically see in public is different than the Lexa you know behind closed doors doesn't cancel out or erase the other part of me; they're both there at all times, it important to balance yourself or you will lose the part of you that the commander's spirit chose in the first place. The spirit chooses the humanity in us not the monster and the monster protects the humanity."
"You're not a monster heda," Kai says in a tone of understanding and of course, empathy. Lexa looks in to the mosaic of ice in her eyes, "monsters don't cry or laugh and I've seen you do both."
Lexa gives her a warm smile, "one day you'll understand what I mean a little better."
"No head," Kai shakes her head and lowers her gaze a moment, "I get what you are saying; I just am telling you I think you're wrong, or that I see it differently. I don't see heda as a monster. You are heda and you are Lexa, they are the same, one simply wears a mask."
"Lexa or heda?" Raven quips.
"Depends on who is around, depends on the situation," Kai answers thoughtfully. "It's balanced, you wouldn't see it if you weren't looking. It's in her eyes."
"Damn Lex, she's got you pegged," raven laughs loudly.
Lexa smiles, yes she does have her pegged. Kai sees her just as well as Clarke it seems. They both see her better than she sees herself sometimes.
"Do you know why I choose to regard that side of myself as a monster?" Lexa takes the opportunity to not only teach but also reveal more about herself. She wants no barriers between her and this girl.
Kai is quiet in thought for a moment as she ponders her question. Lexa waits because she knows how Kai is, she will offer an answer to learn versus being told. she won't shy away.
Her brow furrows before she answers, "So you're not afraid."
Lexa nods, "you cannot be afraid of the things that go bump in the night if you become one."
She pauses thinking about how smart and mature Kai can be and decides to continue with more truth, "but it also makes what we have to do as leaders more bearable."
Another furrowed brow and crease between Kai's eyes as she thinks. "You mean like killing and sacrifice?"
"Yes, it's a lesson both Clarke and I -even raven-" she gestures, "have learned through painful ordeals: the things we do to survive do not define us. The monsters are just a part of who we are and if you forget either side as a leader you will be lost and unable to lead anyone."
"You think Clarke has a monster inside?"
Raven stops her work and catches Lexas eyes. It's silent for a moment.
"Clarke has a lion inside her. Wanheda is her monster, her mask" Lexa states. "It's a monster she unintentionally created but one that has helped keep those she cares for alive."
"Did I become a monster?" Kai's voice permeates the room even as a whisper.
There it is.
There's the disconnect that occurred within Kai. Killing the man created a monster she doesn't understand.
This is why she is lost to herself, it's not grief - she knows how to mourn now- this is different, this is darkness that creeps into your heart when you snuff out a life.
When a monster is born.
Lexa swallows and eyes the girl carefully, instead of answering she asks, "What makes you ask that?"
"Regret."
"You regret killing that man in the woods?"
Kai shakes her head once. "No, it is the lack of regret I feel. The knowledge that I would make the same choice over and over again."
Lexa nods, their monsters have much in common.
Raven clears her throat as her emotions catch her off guard and Lexa swallows again. And once more as she contemplates the deep answer for good measure. She thinks about her not regretting the deal at mount weather, she thinks about the very first life she took without regret - for justice.
She thinks about how Clarke would handle this before she realizes she doesn't need to - she has been there herself many times; she remembers having the same issue many years ago and that is how she can help. Experience.
She softens her jaw and speaks, "When you take a life from those who deserve it and feel no regret you should not fear that; the true fear should come when you feel no regret when you take a life from those who don't deserve it. The monster protects but Kai must hold the leash." She pokes her finger to Kai's chest right above her heart for emphasis.
Kai's ice blue orbs catch emerald greens, locked as understanding is found in the gaze.
"Come here little one," Lexa says softly opening her arms in gesture and slightly bending.
Kai does not hesitate; she rushes forward and latches on to Lexa's shoulders as the commander pulls her up into a tight bear hug.
"Remember, without the dark we would never see the light," she whispers reassuringly as Kai's forehead nuzzles into her neck.
She squeezes tight, one arm supporting her weight and the other softly stroking her hair as Kai's legs wrap around her hips. She swears she heard a small whisper of 'Noumon' but she can't be sure if she actually heard it or simply wanted to.
(It was both.)
Regardless, the words that leave her mouth in her own breathy emotional whisper are not a mistake; they're truth, they're a promise.
"Ai yongon, ai hod yu in."
My child, I love you.