Martin was back by lunchtime and spent the afternoon with Kate. He'd brought some paperwork to work on as he sat next to her bed. Every now and then he would look up to watch her sleeping, pleased that her face looked soft and relaxed. Sometimes when he looked up he would find her looking at him and they would both smile gently.
Martin consulted with the attending doctor on all aspects of Kate's care and he slowly began to trust the man. But even though he and Fraser seemed to be in agreement on most things, Martin still wanted to be in on everything but at least he'd calmed down considerably.
Towards late afternoon Kate woke after a long sleep and turned her head slightly to see him still sitting next to her reading through some papers. He looked drawn and there were deep lines etched into his face. He was tired and worried. He looked up and she put out her hand and he took it in his. "Martin, I want you to go home and sleep. You're tired."
He fixed her with that open gaze of his. "I'm OK….I'm fine."
"No you're not. And you can't perform surgery when you are this tired. You didn't sleep at all last night, did you?" She squeezed his hand gently. "I'll be fine…I'm feeling much better. And besides, I'm going to be asleep most of the night anyway…and you need to sleep too." She smiled at him.
Eventually she managed to persuade him and also made him promise that he would eat something when he got home. Martin often skipped meals when he was extremely busy and she didn't like it. She asked him to pack some personal things for her and bring them in the morning and he also took her backpack with him - she wouldn't have much use for it there she said.
He bent down to say goodbye and she lifted her hand and stroked his cheek and whispered softly, "I love you so much Martin…so very much." She pulled him down gently so she could kiss his lips. "You're my whole life….you're everything to me."
She saw his eyes glisten and he leaned in and put his face in her neck. "Oh God Kate…if anything had happened to you…I don't know what I would have done. My life would have been over." His voice cracked. Kate stroked his hair and he lifted his head slightly and looked into her eyes. "You're my whole life too Kate Rushton," and his lips touched hers in the gentlest of kisses.
ooooOOOOoooo
When Martin got home he showered and had a light meal of soup and crisp bread. Kate was right, he was tired – she could always pick it up. He looked around the kitchen after he'd tidied everything away. Usually they did things like this together and there would always be some talk between them as they worked – what they would listen to or an idea for an outing over the weekend. He missed her. He looked at the time as he folded the drying cloth – it had just gone eight. There was one more thing he had to do before he went up to bed.
He opened Kate's backpack to look for her mobile. When he saw the book on clocks he smiled tenderly. Kate had been shopping again. She was always buying him little presents – she'd said she couldn't resist when he'd protested that she shouldn't keep doing that.
When he found her phone he hesitated a moment – the screen was locked, then he remembered she'd told him her password once when she'd asked him to look for something while she was cooking one evening. It was 2810 - her birthday. He scrolled through the recently dialled contacts on her phone until he found 'Mum' and pressed dial.
Evelyn answered after a few rings. "Hello darling, I'm so glad you called…"
"Mrs Rushton - it's Martin Ellingham."
"Oh hello dear. How nice to hear you." She sounded a bit puzzled. Martin had never spoken to her on the phone before. "How are you…and how's Kate?"
"Umm…I'm fine…yes…thank you…umm." Martin paused. He knew that if he started off by saying that Kate had been in an accident her mother might think she was dead or dying. And knowing that her husband had died in an accident he wanted to spare her that, so he started in a roundabout way – something he would normally never do.
"Mrs Rushton…please don't be alarmed by what I am about to tell you…umm…Kate's alright but she's been in an accident…she's…" He could hear her gasp at the other end of the phone. "No…no…she's OK…well…umm…she was injured but she's stable now. I've…umm…been with her all the time…and she's doing very well."
He explained exactly what had happened, what the injuries were and what her recovery would entail. After the initial shock, Evelyn was in control of herself again and they talked for some time.
"I spent the night with her…and this morning she was much more alert and more like herself again."
Martin could only imagine what Kate's mother must be feeling, being so far away from her daughter as she lay in hospital and as if she could read his mind she said, "Martin, I want to come up to London to be with her…perhaps when she comes home so that I might be of some help…to you both."
"Yes…yes of course. I am sure she would like that very much." He wondered if Kate had told her about their living arrangements. "Umm…Mrs Rushton you do know that Kate and I are…umm…living together? That she's staying with me in Kensington?"
"It's Evelyn please Martin and yes Kate has told me. She never stops talking about you whenever we chat on the phone." She gave a soft chuckle. "She's head over heels for you Martin...and I am very happy for both of you."
Martin was relieved that Evelyn couldn't see him blushing. Exactly how much had Kate told her mother? Surely she wouldn't tell her everything? Would she?"
He gave a little cough, "Well…yes…umm…we have a spare bedroom here and you are welcome to make use of it. I am sure Kate will enjoy your company while she is convalescing. All going well she should be back home in less than a week…and she won't be going back to work for at least a month."
Evelyn hoped that Martin was up to coping with Kate's stubbornness. If she knew her daughter she would want to go back to work a lot sooner than that. But his tone sounded very firm and she was confident that he would make her see reason.
Before they said goodbye Evelyn said she would wait for word of when Kate would be coming home and she would make arrangements to come up whenever he thought it best. Martin also promised to keep her updated and to let her speak to Kate once she was allowed to use her mobile in the ward. With a head injury they didn't encourage it.
Martin made his way upstairs and got ready for bed. He heard rain pattering on the windows as he slid under the duvet. It sounded soothing in the darkness as he lay trying to fall asleep. He missed Kate. The bed felt strange without her beside him and it made him realise just how easily they had slipped into a life together…and just how easily it could be torn apart. In a heartbeat her life had almost been snuffed out and he might never have held her in his arms again. Just the thought of it scared him senseless.
She had altered his life in so many ways. He loved her gentle teasing and how she flirted with him and made him feel special and how she said that seeing him made her whole day. She often said things like that to him but he'd never allowed himself to take it literally.
After he'd come back from York and they'd spoken about his feelings of inadequacy and his fear that he wouldn't make her happy, she had made a point of reminding him every day that it was just being with him that made her happy. He made her happy and he made her feel alive and content and excited. He'd never been told anything like that in his entire life. He found it impossible to believe someone could use those words when they were talking about him. And anyway, even though Kate did say them, it wouldn't last. Once she became bored and frustrated with him, it would all be over. It was bound to happen.
The strange thing was that he never actually thought those things – he didn't have an internal dialogue with himself and actually think those things out and come to that conclusion. The thoughts were just there in his mind...all the time...in his subconscious. They surfaced, unbidden to blend in with every conversation he had, every moment he experienced…the thoughts were always lurking no matter how often he tried to reason them away. They were always there like spectres in the darkness, passing judgement on all his dealings with people. Sooner or later people would find him lacking and they would leave him. And the spectres prepared him for disappointment.
But then, in the hospital the day before, something happened that made him begin to see things differently. It wasn't until Kate regained consciousness that it really sank in. The first thing she did when she came round was she'd called for him. She wanted him and only him when she was at her most vulnerable. When she didn't know where she was and what was happening to her she'd called for him and she'd said, "I thought I'd never see you again…please don't ever leave me." She'd been afraid and she'd turned to him for reassurance and comfort.
He heard her words again, "I love you Martin…you're my whole life…you're everything to me." She'd said those words when she was lying in a hospital bed and her senses were clouded with pain and shock - when she was vulnerable and hurting. In his experience with patients, people spoke the truth at times like that – there were no illusions, no fairy tales – they spoke what was really in their hearts, not what they thought others wanted to hear. And she had wanted him. Not her mother, not her friend or the doctor who was caring for her. She'd found comfort in him. Her need to be close to him was deep-seated and spontaneous. And that had resonated with his fragile ego. It had somehow driven those spectres further into the darkness so that their incessant voices were silenced long enough for him to get a clear vision of what was really happening.
How could he even subconsciously continue to question her love? If she said she was happy being with him then he must believe it to be true. He had to stop letting his feelings of inadequacy drive a wedge between them. He must learn to accept her love in the same way that she gave it…unconditionally. It was so clear to him now. And for the first time in his life he realised that someone loved him for who he was…all of him…good and bad. Kate didn't handpick the things she wanted. She didn't try and change the things she didn't like and there must be lots of them. She accepted him for who he was. And so must he. He must accept her love and not try and analyse it or anticipate failure because of his damaged and defensive ego. He must stop letting the spectres influence him. Kate's unconditional love was his saving grace and he loved her with everything that was in him. Now he must show it.
He checked his mobile on the bedside pedestal. It was on loud enough to wake him up should the hospital call. He settled down and drew her pillow towards him - it smelt of her shampoo and he hugged it close and fell into a deep sleep.
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Thanks once again for all the reviews and PMs. Martin and Kate's relationship has resonated with so many of you and it is encouraging to read your opinions and feelings on events as they unfold.