If It Meant Living - Chapter 34

"Revelations"

Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.

52 days since Resurrection || 1 months, 13 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay

She stood and watched as Miranda hacked the terminal, while shielding Miranda's actions from casual observation by those passing. The sophisticated denizens of Illium strolled past them in blissful ignorance. When the hack was complete she commed Kasumi, who was waiting inconspicuously – i.e., invisibly – at the server node. "It's open. Go."

... ... ...

They had been docked at Illium for four days now. It was a busy place, for the galaxy and for her growing team. Still, it was a nice…okay, not a break. But she had been able to go to a nice restaurant for dinner last night, and they had gotten to do some leisurely shopping day before yesterday.

There had also been a virtual parade of appearances by people from her last life. She shared a beer with Gina Parasini, from Noveria; she ran interference with Baria Frontiers for Shiala, from Feros… She sighed. She protected Conrad Verner from himself again, then got rid of him as a favor for the simply delightful – well, hilarious anyway – bartender at Eternity. In retrospect…maybe it actually was pretty much a break. At least as much as Shepard was concerned.

But nothing compared to her encounter with the Rachni Queen. Well, not actually with the Rachni Queen – a giant, hideous, multi-legged, antennae-wielding bug would kind of stand out on the promenades of Nos Astra. With her…emissary? The Asari woman had crash landed on a Rachni planet and been rescued by them. In return, she became their representative and messenger to the rest of the galaxy. And she had a message for Shepard.

"Shepard, we hide, we burrow, we build, but we know that you seek those who soured the songs of our mothers. When the time comes, our voice will join with yours and our crescendo will burn the darkness clean. Thank you, Shepard. The Rachni will sing again, because of you."

It was beautiful, moving – and puzzling. Was the Queen implying that the Reapers had somehow orchestrated the Rachni Wars? She mentally filed that idea away on the growing List Of Things To Contemplate When She Couldn't Sleep.

And now they were running errands for Liara. Ordinarily, having a galaxy to save and everything, she probably would forego running errands for Liara. But Liara had seemed…strange. Not strange in the "oh-my-god-Shepard-I-thought-you-were-dead-how-are-you-here" sense; she actually hadn't been the slightest bit surprised to see Shepard. But strange in the sense that she was…off-key. Agitated. Mysterious, in a way that open, honest, 'I don't' have much experience with alien species' Liara had never been.

Shepard's crew seemed to be enjoying the relative relaxation of Illium, so she decided to stay an extra day and see if she could help Liara. Ultimately, she hoped to…break through, reach the Liara that had once existed, get her to admit whatever was really going on, and hopefully help her.

But first, that meant running errands for her. Hacking errands, as it were. Hack a security terminal, disable security for a server node, grab the data from the node and send it to Liara. Simple enough, at least according to Miranda and Kasumi.

... ... ...

She guarded – and watched – Miranda again at the next two terminals, studying her steps, her technique.

As Miranda stepped up to the fourth terminal, Shepard put a hand on her arm. "I've got this one."

Miranda slowly turned her head towards Shepard. "You…what?"

Shepard smiled innocently. "I've got this one." She stepped up and started working. She could feel Miranda peering over her shoulder. It was distracting; she made a mistake.

"No, you need to – "

"I've got it," she growled.

Then, she did have it. The screen flashed green. She messaged Kasumi then turned around, a self-satisfied grin on her face, and found Miranda, hands on her hips.

"Okay, Shepard. Your files specifically and unequivocally stated that you had poor skills in tech and hacking. Negative skills. It stood out because it was one of your few weaknesses. Until today I've seen nothing to contradict that information. So I ask you – how, exactly, did you hack that terminal just now?"

Shepard was smiling so broadly her eyes were sparkling. "What? A girl can't learn new skills?" She breezily started walking off towards the next terminal.

"Of course a girl can – " Miranda cut her off, practically pinning her against the wall. "Of course you can learn new skills. But when would you do that? You've been a little busy the last two months, and what you just did should really take at least six months to learn."

Shepard glanced away. "I don't sleep much. It frees up some time for study."

"Why."

She looked at Miranda, incredulous. "Why? Is that really a serious question?"

Miranda sighed. "No…what I meant was, are you okay? Physically? What was – " Her voice softened. " – what we did to you has never been done before. Complications would not be…unexpected."

Shepard leaned back against the wall, arms crossed. "I'm fine. I get headaches, but they're the normal kind. I – "

"Headaches? They could be due to the new L5 implants. Shepard, you need – "

"Miranda, it's much more likely that they are caused by more obvious reasons – oh, say, the Illusive Man…the Collectors…the Reapers…the Council…Zaeed…Jack…definitely Jack – "

Miranda held up her hands in defeat. "Okay, I get the point. You have a lot of problems to deal with. But still…"

Shepard stared down at the floor. "Anyway, the headaches aren't why I don't sleep." She glanced back up; Miranda was looking at her expectantly.

She sighed dramatically. "Look, I have a long list of eligible nightmares waiting to make themselves known on any given night. I prefer to deny them the opportunity and spend the time more…productively…instead."

Miranda's expression showed real, genuine sympathy. "Shepard, what kind of nightmares?"

"Prothean visions, the memory of my own death, Prothean visions, the memory of my own death, Mindoir, Terra Nova, Prothean visions, Elys– "

Miranda interrupted her. "Terra Nova? But you saved the colony from the asteroid."

Shepard looked away. Her voice was flat. "Yep. And twenty innocent people died, including a very brave woman."

Miranda looked perplexed. "But Balak did that, it wasn't your fault." She paused. "Right?"

"Technically."

She swallowed then met Miranda's gaze. "I let my hatred of Batarians get the better of my judgment that day. I thought Balak needed to pay for what other Batarians had done at Mindoir, at Elysium; he needed to pay for what he intended to do to Terra Nova. I killed Balak…even though I knew that it would set off that bomb. I killed them. And no matter how hard I try, for the rest of however many lives I have, I'll never be able to make up for it."

Miranda just looked at her for a long time, silent, face unreadable. Then she smiled gently. "I didn't know. I didn't know you were carrying that around. Files and reports really don't tell you everything about a person… You know it was a justifiable choice, right? Balak was the worst of the worst; if you had let him escape he probably would have tried again, and he very well might have succeeded."

Shepard nodded faintly. "I know. No one said the choices would be easy."

Miranda tilted her head a bit. "How do you try to make up for it?"

Shepard smirked, bit her lower lip, finally sighed. "I…try to be nicer to Batarians…"

Miranda's face went through a remarkable series of expressions as she tried to keep control, tried to take Shepard seriously, tried to be the project director, the observer, the counselor…but then she simply burst out laughing. She covered her mouth, but a giggle escaped…followed by hitched, gasping…giggles.

Shepard rolled her eyes and threw her hands in the air in mock indignation. "What the hell else am I supposed to do?"

"I know, I know " – giggle – "you're right, it's just – "

Kasumi walked up to them. "I got the data. And while you two ladies were gabbing the day away, I went ahead and got the next one too. Looks like this is everything…" She narrowed her eyes at them as Miranda wiped tears from her eyes. "What did I miss?"

"It turns out our intrepid Commander here has picked up a new skill. She hacked this terminal."

Kasumi looked at Shepard appreciatively. "You minx, you. Most impressive. You know, if you're interested, there's this great technique you can use, by reversing the – "

Shepard held up a hand. "Let's not get carried away. I'm still an amateur, trust me."

"Well, you know where to find me when you want to learn some smooth skills."

"I do indeed." She looked over at Miranda. "Anyway, don't worry. I'm fine. I get enough sleep. When I need to." She nodded decisively. "Now, let's go see if our little adventure in petty crime got Liara what she needed."

... ... ...

Shepard stared at yet another terminal. She frowned. She really didn't understand why Liara couldn't do this herself. "Why can't Liara do this herself? From her desk?" She glanced over at Miranda.

"Well, her connection to these remote terminals could probably be traced, if someone looked hard enough. She seems to be playing in the big leagues, so odds are someone would."

She let out a long breath and turned back to the screen. "Okay…"

"You need help?"

"Nope."

Fifteen seconds later she leaned against the wall and studied all the data files. She frowned, read them again, then commed Liara.

"It's Shepard. You said the Shadow Broker agent is female, right? All five of these suspects are male…I'm sure. Who gave you this lead, Liara?"

"My assistant, Nyxeris, she got the information…Nyxeris gave me the information… Shepard, I'll talk to you later." Shepard heard Liara's muffled voice before the line went dead. "Nyxeris, I need to see you a moment." Shit.

Shepard was already moving. "Let's go. Now."

She ran up the stairs to Liara's office, pulling her gun as she did. She cleared the door to find Liara standing over Nyxeris' body.

Liara looked up at her and smiled calmly. "You needn't have worried, Shepard. I took care of it."

Shepard holstered her pistol and nodded. "So it seems."

Liara walked back behind her desk. "If you could excuse me for a moment, I need to take care of the, um, body. Please, come back in a bit, and we'll…talk."

Half an hour later Shepard sat down across the desk from her. "So what's the next step for you?"

"Now I gather more information, peel away layers, shine light into the shadows…"

Shepard leaned forward, over the edge of the desk. "Liara, please, enough with the enigmas and the mysterious act – talk to me."

Her shoulders slumped a bit, but then she looked up at Shepard, her face cold and hard. "I need to find the Shadow Broker. And when I do, I'll hit him with a biotic field so strong that what's left of his body will fit into a coffee cup." She slammed her fist down on the desk.

Shepard turned around to Miranda and Kasumi, leaning uncomfortably against the back wall of the office. "Would you mind going back to the market and buying that Omni-tool upgrade software we were looking at earlier? I'll meet you both down there in a bit, okay?"

Miranda nodded in understanding. "Of course, Shepard. Take your time."

She took a deep breath and turned back around. "Liara, I'm sure you've been through a lot the last two years. Things that I don't understand. Things that may have changed you. But the kind of anger you just showed, it can't be just from what you've said. Now, I'd like to think you can tell me anything. Why don't you try?"

Liara stared at her for a long moment, then stood up and began pacing slowly behind her desk, staring out at the lights of Nos Astra below.

"Shepard, did Cerberus ever tell you how they recovered your body?"

Okay, that wasn't where she had expected this conversation to go… "No," she said cautiously. "They just said they 'recovered' it. They've been predictably vague about it. Why…?"

Liara's voice was barely more than a whisper. "I gave it to them." She swallowed then looked over at Shepard.

Shepard's expression was one of…confusion. There were so many steps between that statement and here, she didn't even know where to begin. She looked up and found Liara staring at her, eyes watery.

"I don't understand." That was a good a place as any to begin.

Liara turned quickly back to the windows. "The Shadow Broker had your body, Shepard. He was selling it to the Collectors. He – "

"Wait, stop."

Preserve Shepard's body if possible. The Collectors had said that on Horizon. It was midway down the List Of Things To Contemplate When She Couldn't Sleep. It had just been bumped to the top of the list.

"The Collectors were purchasing my body? Which the Shadow Broker had…how?"

Liara shook her head. "I'm sorry. I don't know."

Shepard bit her lower lip and thought for a moment, then looked back up. Liara was visibly upset. There would be time to figure it all out later. "Okay. How did you get involved?"

"I – Cerberus approached me. They said…they said they could bring you back, rebuild you. They just needed me – and my friend, Feron – to take you…to take your body from the Shadow Broker, before he delivered it to the Collectors." Her voice cracked. "So I did."

Shepard stood up and went around the desk; put her hand on Liara's shoulder and tilted her head slightly. "Why didn't you tell me?"

A tear rolled down Liara's face. "Because I thought you'd hate me. When I gave you to Cerberus, I told myself I was doing it for you, for a chance to bring you back – but I knew Cerberus would use you for their own purposes, and I let it happen. Because I couldn't let you go. I'm sorry."

She reached out with the other arm and pulled Liara into a hug. "Hey, it's okay. I don't hate you, I promise." But inside, her mind was a jumble of conflicting emotions.

First and most relevant to this precise moment was the fact that Liara was being a little…worrisome. She knew Liara had harbored feelings for her back then, and she had very clearly, if gently, dissuaded her of the notion. She knew as well as anyone that the knowledge that someone didn't reciprocate one's feelings didn't mean an end to those feelings. And she knew that Liara could tend towards the emotional side.

But…okay. Until such time as Liara attempted to grab her in a passionate embrace, she would continue treating her as a close, platonic, friend. And if Liara did try to grab her in a passionate embrace, she would…deal with it. Somehow.

She pulled back but kept her hands on Liara's shoulders. "Stop it, okay? Stop crying. I don't hate you; I thank you."

Liara tilted her head in confusion. "You do?"

Shepard dropped her hands and walked over to the windows; she stared out at the shining, vibrant city for a moment. "I do."

She turned back around. "I'm alive, Liara. Do you understand how much that means – how much that has always meant – to me? It sounds silly to even say – 'it means a lot to me to be alive' – of course it means a lot to me to be alive! How could it not?"

"But Cerberus – "

"Is a pawn…they just don't know it yet."

Liara narrowed her eyes, tears traded for curiosity. "What do you mean?"

"Like it or not, I need Cerberus in order to defeat the Collectors. I need their ship, I need their money, I need their information sources. So for now, I – mostly – play along with the Illusive Man. I admit, I don't know exactly why he's chosen to trust me with this mission – and that bothers me more than a little." She sighed. "It's a dangerous game I'm playing, I know it is. And assuming I survive the Omega 4 Relay, surviving the last round with him may prove…tricky. But I'll find a way."

Liara looked at her in horror. "The Omega 4 Relay?"

She nodded grimly. "Yep."

"Oh, Shepard…"

She smiled confidently then. "Don't worry. I have it covered – or I will, anyway. But never mind about that. Do you understand? I'm alive, and it's because of you. You've given me an amazing gift, Liara. Thank you."

She could swear Liara's face glowed with happiness. She smiled in spite of herself. Liara had a good heart, and a kind soul. She hoped she wasn't going to have to break it a second time.

She really did owe Liara her life. She realized then – Liara had probably earned her love; deserved her love. But you couldn't choose who you loved in life. It was as simple as that. And that was okay, because, even through the heartache, the pain, she…she didn't want to choose anyone else.

Kaidan crashed onto his couch, exhausted but relieved to be back on the Citadel, back to civilization, such as it was. Finally back to his apartment. His investigation into the Collectors had quickly led to Omega. Which meant covert – the inhabitants of Omega did not take kindly to Alliance Commanders traipsing around flashing a badge. He groaned. God that place was a wretched hive of scum and villany. And the trip had only been marginally successful. More leads to follow, none of them easy.

He opened one eye and saw the light blinking on his terminal. He sighed. He probably had 200 messages waiting for him. It wasn't secure to access Alliance communications on Omega, so he had been effectively cut off for the last ten days.

After a few minutes he reluctantly got up and went to his desk. They weren't going to read themselves. He scanned down the list…standard Alliance administrative spam…a note from his Dad. He started to read it when a message further down caught his eye. "Re: About Horizon"

He froze. He was afraid to open it. The message he had sent had been pitiful, lame. He had wanted to recall it as soon as he had sent it; wanted to do it over, to say something…more. But he hadn't, because he had been afraid of the more.

He steeled himself – preparing for rejection, for hatred…for goodbyes – then opened the message.

She filled the screen, the camera catching her from the shoulders up. His breath caught in his throat.

Then she smiled. God but it was the most beautiful sight he had ever seen. "Kaidan…thank you. Thank you for reaching out to me."

He let out the breath he had been holding. Deep inside, a spark two years dead began to flicker anew.

He couldn't say how many times he watched the message; how many times he paused it, stared at her frozen image, rewound it to see, hear a particular phrase again.

Anderson had been right about one thing at their contentious meeting after Horizon – she seemed completely herself. By turns confident and vulnerable; resolute and passionate; forceful and tender. Just as he remembered her.

She told him she was facing near-certain death; that this should be the end of their communication for now because of that. Of course she would do such a thing – thinking of him, yet choosing the mission before all – before her, before him, before them. Just as he remembered her.

It was really her.

The galaxy had fallen into line before her in the face of her determination to make it so; how could he possibly do anything less? And as he watched the sadness, the tumult of emotions dance in her eyes, he didn't want to do anything less; he wanted to do more.

His hand moved to the keypad. "End of our communication" be damned. At this moment, there was only one thing in his life he knew for certain.

"Re: Re: About Horizon…"