She could feel him gently shaking her while saying her name softly, but insistently. She opened her eyes to find him showered, shaved and dressed for work bent over the bed his hand on her shoulder.
"Are you awake?" He asked with a slight smile.
"Yeah, what are doing?" She asked.
"I need to go to the hospital. The baby is awake." He told her.
"Jack, it's Saturday." She protested.
"I know, but I need to check on a couple of patients and I've got a ton of paperwork at the office that needs my attention." He explained as Eli's cries for his mommy became louder.
"Can you please go grab him Jack?" She asked.
"I really need to go." He said.
"Five minutes Jack. I just need to put some clothes on and wake up. Will you please go grab him before he tries to climb out and falls?" Kate pushed.
Jack reluctantly agreed to tend to Eli while she got dressed. She entered the boy's room about 10 minutes later. Eli was still in his crib and Jack was handing him toys over the railing to appease him. She considered getting angry with his unwillingness to simply pick the child up and deal with him, but decided it had only been a couple of weeks and she needed to be more patient with him. She reached into the crib and lifted Eli out, setting him down and watching him toddle around the room.
"He's getting too big for that crib." Kate said.
"We can take it down, buy him a new bed." Jack offered.
"Or we could move him into Sam's bedroom." Kate suggested.
"I have to go Kate. I'll be home later this afternoon and we'll figure it out." Jack said, kissing her quickly on the mouth and leaving the room and the conversation so fast she wanted to ask him where the fire was.
He'd been back in their lives for a little over two weeks and in that time he'd spent the majority of his time with patients in one of the many facilities he was spreading himself thin over. He continued to avoid Eli, his behavior toward the child reminding her of his early days with Sam when he was ready to throw in the towel, except he wasn't avoiding Eli because he was afraid of failing as a father, he was avoiding Eli because he truly believed he had failed as a father. She could see the need in Jack's eyes when he would look at Eli along with the torment and it was that look that continued to keep her from getting angry with him and from pushing the issue the way she used to with Sam. She believed that if she pushed him too hard too fast he was in real danger of going over the edge because he was still blaming himself for Sam's death and refusing to feel the grief and anger over the situation.
Jack returned home around 2 PM. The house was quiet so he began making his way from room to room looking for Kate. Eli was asleep in his crib and as he came down the hall he noticed the door to Sam's bedroom was open and froze for a moment before proceeding. He stood in the doorway and looked around, the room hadn't changed since the last time he'd seen it. Kate was standing in the center of the room concentrating hard on something.
"What are you doing?" He asked making her jump.
"Shit Jack! I didn't hear you come in." She gasped and approached him.
"Sorry, I was trying to be quiet, not wake the baby." He said.
"I know this is hard Jack, but we could make this Eli's room, we should make this Eli's room." Kate said.
"No." Jack said flatly, gently tugging her toward him and closing the door.
"Jack." She protested.
"When he wakes up we'll go shopping, buy him his own bedroom furniture. The bedroom he is in is fine." Jack insisted.
"He has a name Jack." Kate said.
"I know that Kate, I helped name him." Jack snapped at her and walked away.
She followed him into their bedroom and watched him strip down to his underwear.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"I didn't sleep much last night. I'm going to take a nap." He said and sat on the bed.
"Want some company?" She asked and sat beside him, rubbing her hand over his thigh.
He clamped his hand over hers and held onto it.
"Sure." He said and smiled at her.
They snuggled up together and slept. He didn't try to initiate sex and neither did she. Reestablishing their sexual connection had come naturally after that first night, his passion for her as intense as it had been before. However, reconnecting and reestablishing intimacy between them outside of the bedroom had become as critical as reestablishing their sexual connection because he was still very disconnected emotionally and she missed him, missed moments like the one they were having now and would find herself crying over how much she missed him as she waited for the shell of what used to be him to come walking through the door.
He heard Eli whimpering and looked down at Kate. She was sleeping soundly and he didn't want to wake her up. She had been patient with him and understanding and he knew he had to be better. He had kept her up most of the night, hungry for her, his need to be intimate with her stronger now than it had been in the past because when he was making love to her everything else disappeared. When he held her in his arms, buried deep inside of her, making her moan and look at him with so much trust and love he could allow himself to drown in the moment and give her what she needed from him. He could feel himself becoming anxious as he listened to Eli and watched her sleep, but shook it off, trying hard to be the man she needed him to be somewhere other than in bed.
"It's just a small child Jack, you can do this." He mumbled to himself and moved off the bed.
He put on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and left the bedroom, closing the door behind him. He entered Eli's bedroom just in time to catch him coming over the side of the crib, snatching him up before he fell to the floor.
"Easy there big guy, that's quite a drop head first." Jack chuckled and situated the sleepy toddler on his hip.
"Mommy." Eli whined.
"Mommy is asleep." Jack told him and put a comforting hand on the child's back.
Eli put his head on Jack's shoulder and stuck his thumb in his mouth, eyes sleepily opening and closing as he worked to wake up. The child snuggling up to him felt like a hot piercing knife going right through his heart and Jack could feel his entire upper body stiffen as he struggled with the emotions he worked so hard to keep suppressed. Loving Eli wasn't the problem, he loved his son, but allowing himself to actually feel that meant he had to let himself experience the loss of Sam so he immediately shut down and disconnected.
Small children sense when adults are nervous or uncomfortable and Eli was no exception, no longer finding Jack's arms comforting and becoming upset. He pushed and kicked at him until Jack put him down and then he toddled out the door crying for his mother. Kate opened the door and scooped the little boy into her arms.
"What happened?" She asked.
"He woke up and I wanted to let you sleep, but he didn't really want me." Jack said.
"Yeah, he's kind of cranky after a nap until he wakes up. Thanks for trying though." Kate said and kissed him softly.
"You were right about this crib. I caught him going over the top. I should go in there and take it down. He can just sleep on the mattress until we get him some new furniture." Jack said and walked away.
He was so distant and controlled, especially with Eli. She could tell he was uncomfortable and scared, but she wasn't sure what to do about it except to let him work it out on his own. She took the sleepy boy into the living room and sat on the couch with him until he was awake enough to want down. Jack joined her about 30 minutes later.
"All done?" She asked.
"Yeah, I put the crib in the other spare bedroom and just left the mattress. So, is he awake enough to feel like shopping for furniture?" Jack asked, his tone distant as if he were discussing a patient or somebody else's kid.
"Jack, do you have to keep referring to your son like some stranger you don't care about or want to care about? When was the last time you actually referred to him by his name?" Kate complained, aggravated with him and tired of walking on eggshells anytime they were dealing with Eli.
"I'm sorry Kate. Do you think that young Elijah is feeling chipper enough to endure a trip the furniture store?" Jack asked sarcastically.
"Whatever Jack." She sighed and stood.
He grabbed her wrist and encouraged her to sit back down.
"I'm sorry. I'm trying." He said.
"Are you?" She asked.
"What do you want from me Kate?" He sighed.
"I want you to let him go Jack." Kate said.
"What?" He asked.
"You are never going to be able to love the son that is still here until you allow yourself to accept that Sam is gone and all the pain and sadness that goes with that." Kate told him.
"I know he's gone Kate." Jack snapped.
"Then come to the cemetery with me." Kate
"I don't see the point in hanging out in cemeteries Kate. If you find some comfort in the routine then you should keep doing it, but I don't want anything to do with it." Jack refused.
"Let's just buy new bedding for Eli and use the furniture in Sam's bedroom." Kate continued to push.
"No." Jack said flatly, leaving no room for argument or explanation.
"The furniture in Eli's room is fine for now. He can sleep on the mattress until he gets a little bigger. It's not a big deal Jack." Kate said.
"It is a big deal Kate. He's my son and he shouldn't be sleeping on a mattress on the floor." Jack said.
"Jack, we can't leave that shrine back there forever." Kate insisted.
"It's not……that's not why…….can we please not talk about this anymore." Jack pleaded with her, visibly upset.
"Jack." She said.
"Kate, god would you just………what is the big deal? You were content to leave it untouched for a year and now all of the sudden it's a problem?" Jack said aggravated with what he felt had become nagging on her part.
"Jack, I left everything untouched because I was waiting for you to come home so we could deal with it together. I need you to be in this with me Jack." She said.
"In what?" He asked sadly.
"In this marriage and in this huge responsibility of raising this little boy. He needs his daddy." Kate told him.
"I'm trying Kate. I'm sitting here ready to go shopping to get the child what he needs, but you seem more interested in picking a fight with me." He said, his tone calm, resigned.
She looked at him, so much pain and grief locked down tight and him stubbornly refusing to let himself feel it. He turned his head and looked into her eyes. His eyes were tormented, but sincere and no matter how frustrated she was with him it took little more than that look and seeing how desperately he needed her and her patience to get her to relax and give him the time and the space he needed.
They gathered themselves and went out together as a family for the first time since Jack had come home. He took the responsibility of carrying Eli to the car and strapping him into his seat as well as carrying him through the furniture store, Eli in a good mood and okay with this daddy person as long as mommy was close by. They picked out a toddler bed that matched the wood of the dresser that was already in his room, scheduled it for delivery and left. They stopped for an early dinner that went well, Jack smiling and seeming to enjoy their time together and starting to relax some with Eli, talking to him, feeding him and offering a soft kiss on the child's temple as they walked out of the restaurant together.
It was bedtime and Kate had been looking everywhere for Jack so he could tell Eli goodnight. She found him sitting on the floor in Sam's bedroom, his back against the wall, legs stretched out in front of him and staring at the wood that held the sturdy bunk beds together. She kneeled down with Eli in her arms.
"Say goodnight to Daddy sweetie." Kate said.
"Nite, nite daddy." Eli said and reached out for Jack.
Jack hesitated for the briefest of moments before taking the baby from her. He hugged him close, and kissed the side of his head.
"Nite big guy." Jack said and handed him back to Kate.
Kate returned about 20 minutes later wearing one of Jack's t-shirts and nothing else, apparently ready to retire for the night. He was still sitting in the exact same spot, staring at the bed. She straddled his thighs and sat in his lap facing him. She leaned in and kissed him softly.
"You coming to bed pretty soon?" She asked.
"You were so mad at me the day Sam and I picked this furniture out." He remembered with a light laugh.
"You can be a hard man to love sometimes Jack." She admitted.
"I know. Our relationship has been grossly lopsided in the taking and giving department. I'm probably not worth the battle Kate." He said.
"If you weren't worth it Jack, Eli and I would've moved on without you." She told him.
"Everything is so hard and I know I'm the one that makes it hard and I don't know why I'm the way I am. I just know that it hurts you and I wish I was as good at loving you as you are at loving me." He said regretfully.
"Jack, if you sucked at this as much as you believe you do I wouldn't love you, couldn't love you. The fact that you are here and trying even though every instinct you have is telling you to continue to shut down and just walk away for good, shows me that you are every bit as good at loving me as I am at loving you." She told him and kissed him again.
"See these." He said and rubbed his fingers over the purple crayon marks on the wood.
"What is it?" She asked.
"When Sam picked out this bed I told him he wasn't big enough to be climbing up to the top bunk, much less sleeping up there. So before I agreed to buy the bed for him we decided he had to be at least 48 inches tall before he would be allowed to climb up there. A couple of days after the beds were assembled, Sam came to me with a tape measure and begged me to measure him. This mark here was how tall he was that day and this mark up here represents how tall he needed to be." Jack told her.
"That's sweet. I can see Sam holding you to your word too." She said and smiled.
"He used to make me check. He'd say "Daddy am I getting closer" and would wait eagerly while I put the crayon on his head and checked. This mark was the last time we checked. I put the mark just a little bit higher so he wouldn't get discouraged. He's never going to be tall enough to climb to the top bunk. I can't tuck Eli into bed every night and look at those marks Kate." Jack explained.
"Of course you can't." She agreed and hugged him.
He held her for a long time, rubbing his hand over her back, content to just sit with her and she content to relax in his arms.
"We'll just call one of the local charities and donate this furniture and his clothes and toys. Okay?" He asked.
"Are you sure?" She asked.
"Yes." He said and nudged her so she would sit up and look at him.
He cupped her face and kissed her gently, pulling back and looking into her eyes.
"My instincts aren't telling me to walk away for good. They're telling me that I need to give into everything I feel for you, to trust you to know what to do like I always did before." He told her, eyes honest and sincere.
"I think you should follow your instincts Jack because I may not know what to do, but I will be here to support you and to prop you up and even catch you when you fall just like you have always done for me and we will get through this, I promise." She told him.
He moved his hands down her sides and over her thighs, not in a sexy I want inside your panties way, but in a warm, loving, touching you and holding you makes me believe we actually will get through this sort of way. He slipped his hands up inside her the shirt and pulled her closer, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her deeply. They broke the kiss and she snuggled into his chest, enjoying the warmth and tenderness of his surgically skilled hands caressing the skin on her back.
"Are you working tomorrow?" She asked.
"No, but I need to go check on Hannah. They moved her to the pediatric ICU today." He sighed.
"I'm sorry Jack. Is she going to be okay?" Kate asked.
"I don't know. Her lungs have sustained so much damage, the infection has been lingering on for too long." He told her.
"Rick and Christy invited us over for a cookout. Do you think you might want to go?" She asked.
"Sure, why not." He agreed and slipped his hands down the back of her panties, cupping her butt in his hands and pulling her closer, their mouths reconnecting in a passionate kiss.
She reached between them and worked on the button and zipper of his jeans, while he continued to move his hands over her body underneath the t-shirt content to let her be in the driver's seat, his only desire at the moment to please her in any way he could.
She scooted back some and tugged at the waistband of his jeans. He lifted his hips and allowed her to pull the jeans and his underwear down to his knees before scooting back up and pulling his t-shirt up and off. He reached out and did the same, sending the t-shirt she was wearing across the room and placing his hands on her sides before slowly bringing them around to her stomach and up, cupping her breasts. She moved forward, allowing his hands to slip away as she began kissing her way over his chest and stomach, wrapping her hand around his penis and tugging gently, feeling him respond to her touches, hardening and growing in her hand.
She felt his hand slip inside the back of her panties again, his finger penetrating her from behind slowly pushing in as far as he could reach, her mouth reconnecting with his as they both moaned at the touches of the other.
"I want you inside me." She panted desperately before hungrily attacking his mouth some more.
He pulled the crotch of her panties to the side and encouraged her to connect with him, but she slid back and continued to make a meal of his mouth.
"No, I want you on top, making love to me." She begged.
He carefully and gently moved them, laying her back onto the carpet and taking a moment to look her over before slowly removing her panties and watching her open up for him. He finished removing his jeans and underwear, positioned himself between her legs and buried himself inside her, both of them coming close to screaming at the connection. He looked into her eyes and she into his and they both melted in the moment, their mouths coming together again in a slow, wet passionate kiss as he began to make love to her, his thrusts deep and slow and purposeful and the pace never changing as she came hard, panting and then biting the top of his shoulder. He continued to move within her while she came, the pain of being bitten sweet and encouraging him to make the next orgasm send her so deep into orbit she'd be ready to sleep long and hard once she finally returned to earth and she didn't disappoint him. She screamed so loud he was sure the neighbors heard and as he watched her, his own release spilling out of him, his heart swelling as he allowed himself to feel just how intensely he loved this woman he knew he had to find a way to make everything okay again.
They finally settled, lying on the floor of Sam's bedroom just as they had done on the day that he had bought the bed for Sam, their bodies wrapped around each other, both coming close to sleep, but neither wanting to get up. They knew that it was in this very room that Jack had first acknowledged his feelings for Kate and it was because of Sam that they had grown so close and Sam's breakdown that day is what got her to come back so he could apologize and allow the feelings he had for her to come pouring out. Jack desperately needed to understand why Sam's brief time on this earth had to be filled with so much pain, fear and sadness and Kate knew that, but she also knew that it was an answer Jack was never going to get, but by recapturing a special moment while agreeing to let go of the physical reminders of Sam, he was slowly taking the necessary steps that would eventually allow him to make peace with the situation. She had no doubt that eventually Jack would find a way to not only cherish the memory of the little boy that had come into his life and changed him forever, but to honor it in such a way he'd be able to keep Sam in his heart and move on.
As she held tightly to him, their naked bodies wrapped together tightly, their breathing and heartbeats seemingly in perfect unison she felt a sense of calm and for the first time since Sam's death believed that they really were going to be okay again, never the same as they once were, but okay and perhaps one day better and stronger than they used to be.