This episode (and this chapter particularly) were harder for me to write than I thought. I figured it'd be easy since I had most of the dialogue done (it's come to me in pieces since I started the project)- but fleshing out the dialogue- giving it context, movement and their inner thoughts... That was difficult for some reason. But I enjoyed the challenge. :)

Let me know if I met it. Please review! :)

Thanks for the reviews for last chapter! They helped me to complete this rather emotionally heavy chapter.

Sami: See my note at the end of this chapter- I can't really respond to you here. I was a mess too when this episode aired. I'm a big crybaby when it comes to books/TV/movies. :P

love-i-meant-to-say: thanks! :) It's been fun.

starcrossedsoulmates: Glad you liked it :) I could never see them together- even in Season 1- it just never clicked for me. I felt like he 'wanted' her, but wasn't in love with her.

And thanks! In the show I felt like J/K's dialogue came out of left field at times (particularly in these episodes when they worked so hard to create problems for them.) And I feel like we missed a lot of the development of their relationship for the sake of time- too many characters/plot lines, too few minutes- which made it hard for most of the audience to really 'get them'- you know? I've had fun exploring what would have made them say/do the things they did. Thanks for coming along for the ride. :)

Of course I do not own the characters, or anything really.

Jimmy

I don't know how much time passed after she left but I sat there for a while, remembering how it felt when she told me she loved me and thinking about the fact that I managed to screw this up. Again.

But, by the time I leave I've halfway convinced myself that it's for the best.

"Hey, did Karen find you?" Kyle inquires, feigning innocence, when I walk in the door. I was really hoping he'd have gone to the theater by now.

"Yeah," I say dryly as I flop on the couch. "And, if you're keeping score- we broke up again."

Kyle comes over to stand across from me, "You ok?"

"Yeah." I wave him off, trying to sound cavalier about it. He looks at me skeptically, not buying it. I sigh and look at my hands. "Fine." I sit forward on the couch and put my face in my hands, "I'm not ok." Kyle waits without speaking, but I can feel his eyes on the back of my head. I drop my hands, but continue staring at the floor. "This sounds stupid, but… I don't know." I lean my head against the back of the couch and close my eyes to try to gather my thoughts. I sigh and look up at him. "I thought- I thought maybe she was 'The One', you know?" I let out a hiss of a laugh to try to cover the seriousness of that statement. I shake my head, "But this thing with Derek and-"

He cuts me off with a frustrated groan, "Oh my God! Why are you so stupid?"

Shocked and a little angry, I look at him, "What is your problem, man?"

He throws his hands up and rolls his eyes. "Of course she's not with Derek! How can you not see that? She loves YOU."

Annoyed, I fire back, "Wait, did she tell you that, too? Is there anything you two DIDN'T talk about today?"

He shakes his head, rolling his eyes again. "Any idiot can see that." He sits down next to me. He looks at me seriously, his eyes pensive. "And you- you actually opened up to her. In all the years I've known you you've NEVER told anyone that stuff about yourself. So, whether you want to admit it or not, I think you love her too. And she accepted you- past and all." He pauses. "She's been the best thing to ever happen to you- and you know that." He looks at me carefully, "And it terrifies you doesn't it?" he asks shrewdly. He sighs, "Why can't you allow yourself to be happy?"

I look away. I have nothing to say- but that doesn't stop him, "You have to stop doing this, Jimmy. Stop sabotaging yourself. Whatever it is that makes you do that- it's time to face it- and deal with it, because if you keep lashing out you're going to lose her- for good. How many times do you think she's going to come back if you keep pushing her away?" I look at him. He's right.

I rub my face with my hands before putting them on my knees to stand up. He stands with me. He turns to walk away, but I stop him. "Hey, I think you're selling yourself short." I give him a half smile, trying to turn what I'm about to say into a joke so it's not so weird for me to say, "Karen is only the second best thing to happen to me." He looks down. I pull him to me for a hug. "I don't know where I'd be without you," I tell him sincerely. I pat him on the back and pull away, holding him at arm's length. "I know I don't say it enough- or ever really- but thanks. You're a good friend."

I'm supposed to be off tonight, but I have a plan- it might get me fired… but I don't care. I just hope it's not too late. I take a quick shower, change out of yesterday's clothes and go to the theater with Kyle.

I get dressed for the first scene and find Ryan standing in the wings, waiting to go on. The opening scene with The Diva has just ended and he's about to go onstage. "Hey, I talked to Derek- I'm good to go on tonight. Maybe I'll take tomorrow off." Before he can respond, I clap him on the shoulder and walk onstage. He stands speechless for a moment and I take my place. He'll probably go find Derek, but as long as I can make it to the bridge scene I don't care.

Karen takes her place, looking at me in surprise, but doesn't have time to say anything. Once the music starts, I feel like I'm home free- I find it hard to believe that Derek will pull me mid-show. Ryan and I don't look that much alike.

Sure enough when I come off Derek is standing in the wings, glaring at me, but he says nothing.

The show progresses and the moment I'd been waiting for finally arrives. I'm nervous as the music starts and I begin to sing. I was right, my song did turn out to be prophetic- but maybe it can be my apology too.

I begin quietly as I climb the first step. "Over. I can't believe it's over. I can't believe the love I left- to show some other day." I break from the blocking and continue up the steps. Derek is already pissed- so who cares?

I watch her carefully as I sing. "Listen. I hope that you will hear me." There was a tiny movement around her eyes. I think she caught the word change. I kneel on the 'bridge' ahead of my next line. "As I kneel down and pray- with the love I meant to say." It's a little ironic that my declaration is happening on the set inspired by the place where she made hers.

The song continues, but she hasn't noticed me yet. She's still facing the audience as scripted and I'm just out of her line of vision. "You took away the shadows…"

But now she turns on her cue and begins slowly walking toward me, hesitating for a moment when she sees that I'm not where I'm supposed to be. My voice soars through the verses- emotion raw on my face.

When she reaches me I stand slowly, changing the words again. "Sorry. That's the word I want to say to you." I bring my hand up to cup her cheek. I throw my apologies into my eyes. "The other word is… Stay. To hear the love I meant to say." Other than a flash of emotion across her face, I get no answer. I'm not sure what I expected, there are 200 people watching, but I'm disappointed.

Somehow, I make it through the show and even manage to avoid Derek afterwards. I grab Karen by the hand, both of us still in our final costumes, and pull her into an empty office.

As I close the door, she walks further into the office. Impatiently she demands, "What are you doing, Jimmy?" She turns to face me. "What was that earlier? You're not even supposed to be here," her voice trails off as she looks away.

I watch her, waiting until she's done. I hope I look calmer than I feel inside. "Look, I know I was a total ass today- I always am. I ruin everything. I told you that when you met me." She starts to interrupt, but I hold up my hand to stop her. "But that doesn't make it right. I want to be the person you see in me- because I know that's who I really am." My next words come out in a jumble, crammed together, trying to make her understand. "But, I need time. Everything is moving so fast- and I got scared. I'm scared that I can't be the person you see. And I'm scared of how strongly I feel for you- and of the future. I've never thought about my future, until now- and it's because of you." I take a deep breath, look at her steadily and get to the point. "I realized this week that I want to think about my future and I want it to include you. And I freaked out because of it. And I'm sorry." I take another breath. "I know you don't have feelings for Derek. I was being stupid." I sigh, "I keep screwing up and I do all the wrong things." I take her hands, holding them close to my chest, and stare deep into her eyes, "But, I don't want to hurt you anymore. Please, just tell me what I need to do- I will do anything to make this work with you."

She looks at me for a long moment without speaking. "You're right- you do need time," she says finally.

Karen

Confusion crosses his face, but he nods. He looks like a little boy, so earnest and so…

I have to do this. I have to be strong. But when he looks at me like that, when he says things like that- he makes it so hard. "Jimmy, you have a gift for saying all the right things- after the fact." I think of all the times he's charmed his way into forgiveness.

I think about the song earlier. It took every ounce of acting ability I possessed not to react. I was so conflicted. I was angry that he'd hijack the show to make his apology. I was touched by the sweetness of the gesture and amused by the cheesiness of it. But when I saw his face, with the pain and contrition and the… well, there's no other word for it- the love that he refuses to admit- all written there so plainly… I was nearly overcome. It's hard to resist when he shows his emotions so clearly like that- it happens so rarely.

…And that's part of the problem. I shake my head. "You are without a doubt the best apologizer I have ever known." I give him a small smile that he returns. I shake my head and pause for a moment, trying to get my thoughts together.

I thought about this a lot this afternoon after I left him. I was trying to figure out why he's STILL so determined to push me away- even after everything we've been through, everything he's said and everything I know he feels. And I think I finally figured it out. Something he said triggered it for me- and he needs to hear it.

"But here's the thing- I finally realized it this afternoon. You don't think you deserve a future with me." He says nothing, but some of the hopefulness fades from his face. His hands loosen around mine. "I chose you, Jimmy," I squeeze his hands, "I still do- but you can't understand that until you can accept that you're worth choosing. And you are- but you have to believe it. And I realize now that there is nothing I can say or do that will convince you of it- you have to figure it out for yourself." He looks down for a moment before looking back at me uncertainly.

"You can't truly love me until you love yourself- and I don't think you do." Again, his eyes can't quite meet mine. "You couldn't believe me today when I said that I love you because you don't think you deserve to be loved. And until you do, you'll keep finding reasons to push me away- and I can't live like that." He looks up at me in surprise. Tears come to my eyes as I realize what I'm saying.

Anguish washes across his face as he realizes it too. He quickly turns away from me, dropping my hands. He moves toward the door to leave. I take a step and touch his arm to stop him. "I know that I want to be with you, to give you all the parts of me- even the ones I'm ashamed of- because I trust that you'll accept them. And I trust that you'll be willing to work through them with me- and I want to do the same for you. But you don't trust me." He spins around and begins to object. I put my hand up. "Ok- you trust me, and probably more than anyone else in your life besides Kyle. But be honest- do you REALLY trust me?" He looks at me helplessly as I continue, "Can you trust that I mean it when I say that I accept all of your flaws and all of your past- and that those things don't matter to me? You're not that person anymore." I look at him closely, "You know that, right?" His eyes search mine, but his silence answers my question.

I take a step closer to him and take his hand in mine. I look at him steadily, "Jimmy, you aren't that person- you have to know that." Staring into his eyes, made greener by the tears that remain unshed, the moment lengthens. I almost forget what I'm saying.

I take a deep breath and looking at him regretfully, I let go of his hand and take a step back.

I press my hands together and look down to reorganize my thoughts. I take another breath and look at him again. "But, while that is true- I can't keep doing this." He looks down. "It's killing me- all the secrets and half-truths- that's what tore me and Dev apart. I kept overlooking yours, knowing you'd need time and hoping it would get better- that once you finally opened up to me that you'd trust me with the rest…" I pause, not wanting to turn this into blaming him. "But I can't go through that again. I can't be with someone who won't talk to me about things that are bothering them."

I look at him, trying to make him understand, but he still won't look at me. "You say you want a future with me- but there's still something holding you back. Something that makes you push me away. I don't know what it is, but it's more than just the fear of your feelings or things going too fast." I cup his head in my hands so he can't look away, and notice that his cheeks, like mine, are wet. "I hope you can figure it out and when you do- I hope you'll tell me. I'm here for you- but I can't be with you until you are ready to be with me."

I rest my forehead on his and close my eyes. "Please, don't do anything stupid because of this," I whisper. I open my eyes and look at him steadily, my voice stronger, "I love you. And I want you to come back to me when you're able to love me too."

I kiss his forehead before turning to leave. If I stay I'm afraid I'll change my mind.

So no, I did not kill Kyle- and not because I cried like a baby when the show did. :) I didn't think it was necessary to kill Kyle in order to make Jimmy a better person. He was getting there just fine on his own (if the writers would have let him). And while I know from observation that one's best friend dying suddenly CAN induce huge life changes, so can other things- and I liked Kyle better as a living, advice giving, supportive catalyst for Jimmy. My husband disagrees- but mostly to annoy me. :P And Kyle deserved to see Jimmy become a good friend to him as well.

One side note- usually I find it easier to write Jimmy- but for some reason Karen came out when it came time to write these two serious conversations (last chapter and this one). Maybe because we've spent enough time in his head when he's pushing her away. *shrug* I go where I'm led- but don't worry- Jimmy will be doing lots of thinking in the next chapter(s).

So what do you think? Please review!