Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns The Outsiders. Mumford and Sons owns "Hold on to What You Believe."
I ran away,
I could not take the burden of both me and you
May 25, 1969
When Ellie woke up, she jolted out of sleep like she had fallen out of bed. For a moment she just lay there, trying to remember where she was. Beside her, the bed was empty and she pressed her hand flat against the sheets only to find them cold. But before she had time to worry, she smelled the cigarette smoke wafting through the open window.
Scooting across the bed, she reached for her slip and put it on. She went to the window and looked out. Dally was sitting on the rail of the wrap-around porch, dressed in only his jeans and looking out at the horizon. It was still dark, but far off, the sky was beginning to lighten to a dark blue.
Climbing outside, she padded across the porch with bare feet until she was right in front of him. She leaned her hip into the rail and stared at him.
"I'll bet there's an all-points bulletin out for you right about now," he said, his voice rough against the silent night.
"I doubt it. No one will be worried enough."
"Sure."
Not wanting to talk about anyone missing her or not missing her, she looked out into the night. It was quiet here, and it smelled so much different than home. It was nice and she looked at him, studying the look on his face as he smoked. He had a hard look on his face. So much of her just wanted to know what was on his mind, but every part of her knew he would never tell.
She looked at the scars on his chest again and forced herself to look away. Talking about the night Johnny died was not something she was ready for.
"Why'd you come here?" she asked quietly.
He shrugged and stubbed his cigarette out on the underside of the rail and flicked the butt away. There was something inherently different about this Dally. This was a calmer, quieter person than she remembered. Maybe it was everything he'd gone through that made him grow up. Maybe he just realized he had to.
"You could have come home," she said.
At this, he looked right at her. His eyes penetrated hers, and she shifted a little under his stare.
"What home? My old man split. Not that I wanted to fucking go back there."
Ellie looked away from him, feeling herself start to choke up. She had no idea why he was at the school the night before, but she had a feeling he didn't expect her to actually see him.
"I missed you," she whispered, afraid to look at him when she said it.
"I figured you would have found me up here."
That made her brows knit together, and she looked at him. "How could I have done that? For all I knew you lit out for New York as soon as you got out."
He studied her, seemed to want to say something, and then shook his head.
Tentatively, she moved closer to him. She didn't think anything through when she got into that truck and thought even less getting into bed with him. Now, all she could do was think, and it was killing her. It was more than two years since she saw him last. Two years of worry that she realized she had only ever been able to bury skin deep while everyone else just seemed to forget.
Softly, she set her hands on his chest and rested her forehead between her hands. She could hear his heart beating.
Again, she said, "I missed you."
Relief flooded through her, and she relaxed against him when his arms wrapped around her. There was an immediate warmth there and once again, she let everything else fall away. All that mattered was the here and now.
After a minute, he kissed the top of her head and let go of her. "Come on."
She followed him back to the window, and he helped her in. She watched him as he crawled back into the bed and then stared at her still standing there.
"You coming? Or you want me to sleep on the floor or something?"
It hard to tell if he was joking or not, and she climbed back under the blankets beside him. Instantly, he touched her. He kissed her and his hands started to roam and she couldn't help but laugh. He stopped completely and stared at her as though she was nuts.
"What?"
"Nothing," she said, trying not to giggle. "It's just, there you are now."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing for you to worry about," she said, as she pulled his face back down to hers.
XXX
Dally was awake just after the sun came up, which was pretty much the norm anymore. He lay there another minute, listening for Lane to start moving around. Ellie was still sound asleep and his was asleep from where she was laying on it. Carefully, he struggled to get it out from under her without waking her up.
He found some semi-clean jeans on the floor and grabbed a shirt from the dresser before he headed to the bathroom. Stepping quietly, he walked over the heap of her dress still on the floor, and closed the door behind him.
He stood in the shower for a long time, wondering what the hell he had just done.
Since Darry had warned him away from Tulsa, that was all Dally had thought of. The thing was, even though he had gone to the school, he didn't really expect to see Ellie. He sure didn't expect her to see him. And the last thing he wanted was exactly what happened. But all of a sudden, she was in the truck with him and they were putting miles between them and Will Rogers. And he realized he didn't hate it. In fact, it felt good. It felt familiar and old and … normal.
Ever since he had gotten out of prison and made his way in Windrixville, the place had felt safe to him. It belonged to him somehow. And now Ellie was sleeping in his bed, and it wasn't just his anymore. He guessed it really hadn't been his all along, especially after Pony spotted him months earlier, but the kid wasn't going to come poking around, looking for him. Ellie would, though.
He wiped the water off his face. After everything he had gone through, everything he had done, he was still fucking shit up.
XXX
Ellie woke up to an empty bed again, the sun pouring through the curtains. She glanced around the room, realizing she had been so caught up in Dally the night before that she hadn't noticed much about it. It wasn't really his, but with his boots in the corner, his dirty clothes on the floor, it reminded her of the room he used to rent at Buck's.
She climbed out of bed, still in her slip, and headed for the dresser. The slip was better than nothing, but she needed more to wear than that or her prom dress. She dug through the top couple of drawers which were mostly empty but finally found an old flannel button-down. It was big but she could manage something with it.
As she rolled up the sleeves, she noticed something in the bottom of the drawer. Moving the clothes aside, she pulled out two worn, wrinkled sheets of paper that were shockingly familiar to her. She covered her mouth in surprise when she unfolded them. Two of her letters. She couldn't bring herself to read them over again, but after skimming the pages, she realized it was the first and the last letter she wrote while he was in prison. He had been reading them.
She sank down on the bed, the papers clenched in her hands. She didn't need to read either to remember what she had said to him. She had read and re-read each one about a million times before she sent them in the first place. She cringed a little, remember everything she had written in that last letter. It had been harsh and mean, and she wondered why he kept that one.
Folding them up again, she went back to the dresser and dug through all the clothes, looking for the other letters. She came up with nothing. She tucked the papers back in the bottom of the drawer and slowly headed for the door.
XXX
Dally realized as he turned off the water that he had just left Ellie alone to do whatever she wanted in his room which meant she was either snooping or making small talk with his uncle. He got dressed as quick as he could and tossed the towel onto the rack. By the time he made it into the kitchen, Lane was going on and on.
"I've been told my scrambled eggs are excellent," he was saying, putting a plateful in front of Ellie. She was wearing her slip and one of his flannel shirts with the bottom tied into a knot so it would fit her. Lane glanced up. "There he is."
Ellie glanced back and gave him a sheepish smile.
"Guessing you two already met," he said, going over to the counter.
Lane passed him his own plate filled with eggs. "Sure, we go back a whole ten minutes or so. Have a seat."
Dally grabbed a fork and sat down at the table. Ellie was looking at him, but he kept his eyes on his food. He finally glanced up at Lane who seemed to get the hint.
"You two enjoy. I'll see if I can find anything in the attic for you to wear while you're here, Ellie. I saved a box of my wife's things after she passed. We might be able to find something a little better than that."
"Thank you. And thanks for breakfast."
He smiled at her and nodded at Dally before he headed off.
They ate in awkward silence with Dally mostly ignoring her. It seemed like there wasn't much to say after more than two years apart and a night together.
She kept fidgeting until he finally looked at her. "Your uncle seems really nice."
"He's all right," Dally agreed.
"He says you've got a real knack for horses."
"Yeah, I guess I do."
She sat there, staring at her breakfast without eating for a long while. He finished his plate and took it to the sink. She had her back to him, but he studied her. Her hair still had a little bit of curl left in it from how she had fixed it up for her prom, but it was disheveled from sleeping on it.
"You call home yet? Let 'em know where you are?"
She turned around to face him. "No. Like I said, I don't think anyone's too worried."
He nodded before he pointed into the living room. "If you change your mind, there's the phone. I gotta take care of the horses."
He could feel her staring after him as he walked outside.
XXX
Allison kissed him on the cheek as she finished fixing up her hair. "Are you going to be okay?"
He nodded curtly. "Sure."
"If you need my mom to watch Lizzie today, just call her. I'm sure she wouldn't mind."
"No, we'll be fine."
She grabbed her purse and kissed him on the lips. "If you say so. Love you."
"Love you too," he replied as Allison stooped to kiss Lizzie on the head where she was playing dolls in the living room.
She was out the door in a flash, and Darry sat down in the kitchen, half watching Lizzie, and half in a whole different world. He wasn't sure where Pony had gone to that morning, but he was sort of glad the kid had made himself scarce because Darry wasn't sure what to say to him.
Of course he was happy for his brother. As a matter of fact, he was damn proud of him. It was New York, after all. And the kid had made sure he did it all on his own, too. But it stung that Pony had kept it all such a secret. He hadn't even told Soda before he left. There was no reason for him to keep it to himself. He said it wasn't because he was afraid of how Darry would react, but he couldn't figure any other reason he didn't tell him sooner. He sure would have been a whole lot happier if he knew about his brother's decisions more than a couple months before the kid would be leaving.
He snapped out of his thoughts when the front door opened and slammed again. Two-Bit walked through the living room and ruffled Lizzie's hair. She swatted him away with one of her dolls.
"Hey, Dar."
"Hey."
"I was going to come over here and see if you heard, but from the way you look, I guess you did."
Darry took a drink of his coffee before he said anything. "Heard about what?"
"I guess Ellie ran off with Dally last night during the dance. Real dime-store, romance novel-like."
"Yeah, I heard about that."
"Pony told you?"
He nodded. "How'd you hear about it?"
"Are you kidding me?" Two-Bit pointed to himself. "This is me we're talking about. I just know this stuff."
"Yeah?"
"'Course. I know everything there is to know about everybody around here."
"So you must have known about Pony and New York."
Two-Bit cocked an eyebrow in surprise. "About who and what?"
"You didn't know that Pony has decided to go to NYU in the fall?"
He let out a low whistle. "Wow. That I did not know about. When did he decide something crazy like that?"
Darry shrugged. "I don't know. A few months ago. He's got it all planned out. He's gonna work his way through, get it all paid for himself and with his scholarships."
"And you just found out about this? Why didn't he tell you sooner?"
"Something about feeling bad that Soda was leaving and that he would be too. He was upset about Ellie, and he let it slip last night what his plans were."
"Was he ever planning on actually telling you before that?"
"Not that I know of. Seems like he was hoping I just wouldn't notice he was gone or something. You know Pony. He doesn't think everything through all the time."
"It sounds like he thought this through, though. Most of the way, anyhow."
"I just don't know why he wouldn't tell me sooner."
The front door opened again, and Pony walked in. Two-Bit shuffled his feet a little before he nodded at Darry. "I gotta get to work. Let me know if you hear anything from El. You have fun at the dance last night, Pone?"
Darry watched Pony's face stiffen when Two-Bit mentioned Ellie. "Not really."
Two-Bit glanced at Darry and back at Pony. "All right, then. I'll see you guys later." He ruffled Lizzie's hair again as he walked to the front door. "Bye, little lady."
The door slammed behind him, and Pony looked at Darry. "I guess Ellie and Dally are the talk of the town now."
"At least in the circles where Two-Bit gets his information," Darry replied. "Where'd you go so early this morning?"
"Couldn't sleep, so I just went for a walk."
"Have you talked to Wade?"
Pony shook his head as he came into the kitchen and poured himself some cereal. "I don't think he's gonna want to talk to anybody. I'll talk to him at school."
Darry waited until the kid sat down at the table beside him and started eating before he said anything else. "When were you actually going to tell me about New York? At your graduation? After that?"
He seemed to have a hard time swallowing the bite of cereal, and he took a gulp of water before he answered. "I don't know, Darry. It's not always easy to tell you stuff, you know."
"I just wish you could have let me know sooner."
"I know you're mad at me, but – "
"I'm not mad at you. Not really, anyway. I'm really proud of you for working this hard to get somewhere like that. I guess I would have just been happier for you if you told me when you had been accepted. I know Soda would have been happy to hear about it, too."
Pony started to say something, but Darry stood up and put his cup of coffee in the sink. "Lizzie, you wanna go to the park?"
"Yeah!" she replied, already on her feet with her dolls in hand.
By the time Darry grabbed his car keys, he heard Pony's bedroom door close.
XXX
The First Lady was as tense as he was when he led her out to the pasture. He sat up tall in the saddle and walked her around for a bit, letting her warm up before he started trotting her around. Honest to God, he missed the damn rodeos he rode in and had even started training her for barrel racing, except he moved her a lot slower than he would have one of Buck's horses. He wasn't aiming to kill another horse because he was careless with her.
The barrels were imaginary, but he always kept them in the same spots in his mind, racing her back and forth and around until he knew she couldn't take anymore. The mare was not a rodeo horse by any stretch of the imagination, but she would do for this type of practice.
"One more," he told her, clicking his tongue and digging his heels into her flanks. She took off, and he moved her around the invisible barrel, then he slowed her down again. She walked around and Dally happened to look up to find Ellie leaning against the gate closest to the barn.
For a minute, he just watched her there, unsure of what he would do. It was another invasion for her to be standing there, watching him when he thought no one was. Her being there broke down nearly every defense he had created. He was kicking himself a little bit, but it was his own fault.
Clicking his tongue, he moved the First Lady toward the fence and looked down at Ellie. She was wearing some hand-me-down dress Lane must have found somewhere.
"You look good out there," she said.
He almost told her how much time he had to get good at it, but he didn't. Instead he looked forward and out at the open country. Quickly, he hopped down and went to work removing the saddle. He set it on the rail of the fence and hopped back on.
"Come on," he said.
Ellie's eyes went big and she shook her head. "I don't think so."
"What are you afraid of? Get up here." But he knew exactly what she was afraid of. Ellie was a coward when it came to horses, carnival rides and haunted houses, but it sure was fun getting her into any of them.
She stood there another few seconds, digging for excuses, but she finally started climbing up the rails of the gate. The oversized boots on her feet kept her from going more than one rung and she dropped back down.
"Leave 'em," he told her.
With only another second's hesitation, she stepped out of one and then the other as she climbed up the rails. Dally kept her steady as she climbed onto the horse and sat right behind him.
"Hold on," he told her.
Her arms wrapped around his middle and her chin rested on his shoulder. "Don't go too fast, okay?"
"Sure," he said, letting a smirk cross his lips. Digging his heels in he started her for the far gate and stopped her so he could drop down and open it. Expertly, he climbed back up and started out of the fenced in pasture. He almost pointed out to Ellie that he had rebuilt most of the damn thing himself, but he didn't.
Once they were out a little ways, he kicked into the First Lady's sides a little more and she took off at an even trot. Ellie squealed into his ear and tightened her grip around him. He waited until she started to relax, and he forced the horse into a gallop.
"Dallas Winston!" she shrieked into his ear. "Stop it right now!"
She buried her face between his shoulder blades and didn't lighten up on her grip until he stopped her completely.
"You're so mean," she said, and he smirked.
"I thought that was why you liked me," he said, loosening Ellie's grasp so he could get down and then help her down. She stood there and looked around. They weren't far from Lane's, just down a hill a little ways where a little stream meandered through the area. A few trees and shrubs hung around the water and Dally took the reins and tied the Lady up where she could drink from the stream.
He moved back a little way and lay back in the shade. Ellie's back was to him, her feet in the slow moving water up to her shins and she was looking out at the open country. Dally evaluated her. From the girl he remembered, she was definitely different. Her hair was a lot longer and where she had always been the skinniest thing, she had filled out a little. Even with the old housewife's dress hanging off of her frame, he could see the difference. She was still small, but she looked a lot less like a girl and more like a woman. The pout she used to get her way hadn't come into play since she had been with him, but he was sure that was still there.
When she saw him sitting there, she came over, stepping carefully through the tall grass. She sat down and rested against him, pulling all of her hair to one side and looking at him expectantly.
"What?"
"You like it here, huh?" she said.
"I don't hate it."
"That says a lot, Dally," she said, looking at her hands as she played with blade of grass. "It seems like it's been good for you, too."
"It's okay."
She smiled a little and instead of saying anything else she leaned in and kissed him. It was different than the way she kissed him last night, though. The urgency he felt from her last night was gone, and in its place was a hesitancy he was familiar with from her. When she pulled away, he let her go.
"Why were you there?"
"The school?" he asked. She nodded. "Just wanted to see some things for myself."
"Like what?"
He had no idea where this was headed. It was his fault she was there with him, and even though he was kicking himself for bringing her here, he wasn't unhappy she was. The problem was admitting everything he actually felt.
"See if Darry was lyin' to me or not."
"Darry?"
"I ran into him a week or so ago. He told me you were with some guy and to back off," he told her.
She sighed heavily and looked away from him. He tapped his fingers on the back of her hand until she looked back at him. She looked pissed, and it got him a little excited. Making her mad was always his strong suit.
"He told me you were off-limits, or something like that."
"I guess I was," she said.
Dally sat up a little so he was eye level with her. He touched her cheek and kissed her, and she resisted him a little bit.
"Are you off-limits now?" he asked.
"I won't be if you come back to Tulsa," she said, kissing him back. He purposely did not answer her, mainly because he couldn't. It only took a little bit of pressure to crack her. She melted against him and he held her there, knowing it was the dumbest thing he could do. He wanted her again, but he also wanted the option to be invisible.
It was too fast,
Casting love on me as if it were a spell I could not break,
When it was a promise that I could not make.
A/N: You guys are awesome. Really and truly. We also counted how many chapters it's been since Ellie saw Dally last ... 50 or so :-)