36: struggle

Disclaimer: me don't own the twilight saga or any of its characters. I do own Jenna.

Jenna POV

After Kim had taken me to see Carlisle, I went upstairs and into the spare room. I got my iPod out of my bag and then put some music on and loud as it will go. I put on 'the last night' by Skillet. Then I grabbed my purple notepad which had my name on the front, which my aunt and uncle had gotten me when I first moved to Forks, and went to the next clean page and started to write death over and over again. By the end of the page I was really angry but I don't know why. I threw the book out of the room and it landed with a thud across the landing. Then I got up and locked the door. I wasn't in the mood to see anyone right now. I lay on the bed and cried and cried and cried. I couldn't stop. Then I got up and threw all my things around the room angrily. I was still crying and sobbing. I'm sure they can hear me from downstairs but I don't really care.

At 5pm I went downstairs and walked into the living room. I saw everyone was still here apart from Seth and they were all eating pizza. Jasper saw me, and offered me a slice.

"No thanks" I said and I sat down on the floor on my own. I saw my that my purple book was on the sofa so I got up and got it. I looked through it. The words written on the pages were in this order:

1. Seth

2. Murderer

3. Alone

4. Sad

5. Cut

6. Suicide

7. Killer

8. Unhappy

9. Fat

10. Pain

11. Hate

12. Death

13. Dylan

I had tears in my eyes by the time I had finished reading it. Embry came over and gave me a hug. I cried into his shoulder for about 5 minutes and he didn't seem to mind.

"Se-th" I choked. Embry looked at Leah and she nodded.

"He went home, Jen. I'm sorry" he replied. He doesn't want me. He would have stayed otherwise. I curled up into a ball and closed my eyes. I didn't cry but I started to shake from the emotional pain.

"Seth...Seth...Seth" I mumbled over and over again. Carlisle came over to me and picked me up. He sat me down on the sofa but I still continued to say Seth's name.

"Sethy" I whispered one more time before I fell asleep.

The next morning I woke up and I could smell bacon and eggs cooking. It smelt nice even though I wasn't going to eat any. I walked downstairs and saw Esme in the kitchen whilst everyone else was in the living room. I sat down and watched TV. Then I noticed that this area of the sofa smelt like Seth. Honey and lemon. He must have sat here yesterday. I put my face into the leather and breathed in deeply. I didn't want to move again today.

"Do you want to have anything to eat?" Esme asked.

"No thanks" I mumbled into sofa. I heard her sigh and go back into the kitchen.

"Do you want to go to school today?" Carlisle said.

"No" I replied sadly.

"Okay you'll have to go tomorrow though" he told me. I nodded and he walked out of the room. Alice and Emmett got up and went to school. Just before they left, Edward came and gave me a hug and Alice kissed me on the cheek. Esme came in and sat down next to me.

"Why don't you sit up properly?" She asked, with a hint of humour in her voice.

"It smells like Seth here" I told her. She got up and went upstairs. Then she came back down holding a item of clothing.

"Seth left this here the other day" she said as she passed me Seth's blue zip up hoodie. It was my favourite and I put it on straight away.

"Thanks Esme"

"That's alright sweetie"

For the rest of the day, I stayed downstairs and watched TV. Esme tried to get me to eat something but I wouldn't. I was so weak because I wasn't eating and I knew that if I ate the tiniest bit of food I might throw it back up or something like that. At 3:30pm the others came home, but the second they walked through the front door, I hid my face into Seth's hoodie and curled up into a ball. They all came into the living room and sat down, the only way I knew this was because I heard the living room door open and I felt the sofa dip down as someone sat down. I wonder if Seth was here and if he knew that I was wearing his hoodie.

"Hey Jen" Rosalie said. I looked up and saw that everyone was here and looking at me. I wish that I could just disappear or at least die. Only Alice and Emmett knew that I wanted to. I looked around again and saw Seth sitting in the armchair near the door. I was going to have to go past him to go upstairs. I decided to get it over with and go upstairs. I got up and rolled the sleeves of the hoodie down, which meant that I couldn't see my hands, and started to walk towards the door. When I got near Seth, I got really really dizzy and wobbled a bit. I steadied myself and looked up again.

"Are you alright?" Seth asked kindly. Then something inside me snapped.

"HOW COULD I POSSIBLY BE OKAY?! YOU'VE SAID YOU HATED ME TWICE AND I FEEL AWFUL! I DID NOTHING TO YOU AND YET YOU DECIDE TO MAKE ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF!" I shouted and by the time I had finished I had tears rolling down my cheeks. I walked out of the room and up the stairs. I heard a lot of shouting coming from downstairs, but I tried to ignore it. I put the song 'Heart Attack' by One Direction on my iPod and I put my headphones into my ears. I also heard a lot of banging on my door an I was glad that I had locked it. I was still crying. I didn't know what to do anymore. Everyone knows that I want to kill myself and their gonna stay away from me, or treat me like I'm made out of glass so then they either don't hurt me or say something to me.

After 2 hours, I finally sat up and went downstairs. I went into the kitchen and got a drink, then I went straight back upstairs and fell asleep. I dreamt that I was all alone and no one wanted me, not even Seth. I think my dream is true...

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