A/N: Thank you to all who take the time to review after reading. It is much appreciated. Special thanks to those who review consistently, it makes me feel like I'm writing for people I know : )
It's Never What You Think
Abby felt like hell. She looked like hell too. Hair tossed up in a clip, still in the sweats she'd thrown on when she'd gone to talk to Luka. She'd dozed a couple of hours on the sofa in the early morning only to have Joe awaken her way too early. She'd fed him, made some coffee and sat with him on the floor doing puzzles and making his toy airplane fly around him when the doorbell rang. Luka. He must have forgotten his keys. She sprang for the door and threw it open. A pretty woman with dark, curly hair and the bluest eyes she'd ever seen stood in front of her, great figure, tall. . .Unless you don't want me to meet your family because I'm hideously ugly by Croatian standards. . .
She looked surprised for a second before she caught herself. "You must be Abby." The accent was thick, the words carefully chosen.
Abby found her voice. "Yes.. . can I help you?" Who the hell?
"I'm Tatiana. Pleased to finally meet you." She put out her hand, clearly expecting Abby to know who she was.
Abby stared at the hand, took it, shook it lamely. "I'm sorry. . . really sorry. . . I don't know. . . "
"Luka didn't tell you about me?" A look of surprise crossed her face when Abby shook her head, but it was quickly followed by a look of understanding and a small smile of satisfaction to know he had not. "Do you mind if I come in?"
Abby realized she'd been blocking the door. . . She opened it numbly, made space for Tatiana to pass her. What the hell? Tell her what? Don't assume. Don't anticipate the worst. Maybe she's family. A cousin. . .
Tatiana was clearly familiar with the apartment, tossed her keys and purse on the table and made a beeline for Joe. She started speaking in Croatian to him. . . cooing. . . familiar. Joe smiled and toddled over to her
"TatiTatiTati"
Tatiana smiled, held out her arms and swept Joe up. "I knew Luka was worried. So I came to check on Joe."
That's my son. Put my son down. But Joe clearly didn't mind. He already had fistfuls of Tatiana's thick hair. Keep a grip. "Where's Luka? The minute the words were out, Abby regretted them. The admission that she did not know, and that it was possible Tatiana did.
"Still sleeping I imagine."
Sick, she was going to be sick. . . Is this where'd he gone last night? Calling his brother from Tatiana's to call her? Out of what? Guilt?. . .Fear for Joe?. . .Misery did not begin to describe her worst nightmare unfolding unbearably in front of her eyes. Was it possible? While she was torturing herself, had he been .. . had he been paying her back? Getting even? Or had it been going on. . .for . . .? How far had he let this woman into his life? Joe's life? She didn't know what to do or say when she heard the key in the lock. She was slipping. She could feel it. Tools . . .tools. . .what was she supposed to do?. .. To think?. . . To tell herself? . . . She couldn't remember. . .
Luka stepped in, and Abby turned to face him. Her face a picture that told the story, full of all the agony she felt. He looked from Abby to Tatiana, bouncing Joe on her hip and talking to him in Croatian as he laughed.
"Look it's Tata." Tatiana spoke in Croatian to Joe and smiled brightly at Luka. If she'd been pretty before he'd come in the room, she was beautiful now, aglow, familiarity in every gesture and word.
Face full of confusion, he walked to Abby and put a hand on her shoulder. She pulled away. There were tears in her eyes. What the hell was going on?
"Tatiana? What are you doing here?" He spoke in English.
"Ana called me. Said you were worried about Joe. I thought I should stop in to see since you. . .weren't . . . awake. Be sure everything was okay." She answered in Croatian.
"Ana misunderstood. I wasn't worried about Joe." He continued to speak in English as he crossed the room and put out his hands to Joe, who propelled himself towards his father. Without missing a beat, he turned and walked back to Abby, leaning his body and thus Joe, towards her. She put out her hands and took him, burying her face in Joe's neck, lacing him with small kisses.
"He was with Abby. He was fine. I was worried about Abby, not Joe." He didn't take his eyes from Tatiana's, but there wasn't the warmth she'd hoped for. They were dark, cold. It caught her off guard.
"I. . . I'm sorry I did not understand. I just wanted to help." This time she answered him in the language he had chosen.
"I know, and you've been a lot of help. I'm grateful. But we've got it now." I choose you as the person I will love and honor for the rest of my life.
"I see. I'll go then" she said stiffly and as she passed. "Nice to have met you, Abby."
Luka walked ahead and opened the door, and she was gone.
He put his hand on the door after he closed it, and shook his head for a moment. He felt like hell. The combination of aspirin, water and coffee had not quite done the trick to remove the pounding in his head or the queasy feeling in his stomach. He had a feeling this conversation was not going to help.
Abby sat in the rocker with Joe on her lap. He had settled into his mother and the rocking. He'd woken too early and already his eyes were heavy. In another moment, they closed. When Abby saw he had fallen asleep, she looked Luka in the eyes. Finally. "Who is she?"
"Tatiana?"
Abby gave him a 'who the hell do you think?' look.
"My sister-in-law .. .Danijela's sister."
"Danijela's sister?" Holy shit. "She seems to know Joe pretty well. . . and you. . . "
"She's been helping out with Joe while I was working on settling my father's affairs. Don't look at me like that. I needed help."
"Niko? Ana?"
"Working."
"Tatiana doesn't work?"
"She teaches kindergarten. She had time off."
"She teaches kindergarten." But of course. How perfect.
"What?"
"And did you spend time with her while you were taking care of your father?"
"What? Some. . . she brought dinners I guess and visited him. . . Why?"
"Just wondering. . . "
"What? She's my sister, Abby. . . for God's sake. . . You don't think...?"
Abby looked away muttered under her breath. "Sister-in-law. . . not quite sure she still thinks of you as a brother." Stop it Abby. Talk to him. "I'm putting Joe down. Give me a minute."
He felt his fury rise. He wanted to shout, but he didn't want to wake Joe. The pacing started again. As soon as she returned, he spoke striving to exercise every ounce of control he could muster. "I'm not the one that had an affair. I didn't sleep with her. . . or anyone else. . . "
Abby ignored the accusation; she had one of her own. "She acts like she's Joe's mother."
"Well she's not. It's not like he's never had a nanny."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It's supposed to mean, don't make it something it wasn't."
"Well, don't you make what happened with me something it wasn't either."
He was harsh, his hands flashing in the air. "You knew him. . . you worked with him. . . You . . ." He winced. A wave of nausea coursed through him. His head pounded. He couldn't bring himself to say it.
"It had nothing to do with him." They were facing off across the room. It might have been across the country.
"Nothing to do with him? Oh come on. . . . . I went out and got as drunk as I could last night. I wanted to see. . . wanted to know. . . if I could get drunk enough to want someone else. . . It didn't work."
"Did you want it to?"
"No, of course not."
Arms folded on her chest. Holding herself together. "Congratulations, Luka. You're not an alcoholic. Drinking doesn't make you do or say things you really don't want to do. It doesn't make you reckless and stupid and selfish and bring out the absolute worst in you. That's great, but that's you. It isn't me. It's why you can drink, and why I can't. I didn't like him. I didn't spend time with him. I avoided him at work when I could. I couldn't stand to see him . . . to talk to him . . . after. . ." He tried to touch me. He called me honey. It made me feel even. . . more . . . dirty. . . as if it wasn't bad enough. . . being . . .naked, and in his bed. . .and not . . . knowing. . .how . . . and I almost hurt our son . . . because I needed you. . . I needed to be clean again. . . fixed. . . whole. . . because there wasn't enough of me left. . . . . to . . ..fix. .. it .. but then I remembered what I'd done, and I wasn't good enough. . . any more. . .to go to you . . . to be with you . . ."It made me sick . . . literally sick to see you with him. He was an arrogant jerk, and he tried to make medicine about checking boxes instead of looking at the patients. He turned being chief into a power struggle instead of . . . " She broke off. Her breathing fast. Looking at him. Helpless for a moment. He was nothing you are. But he wanted me. I knew he wanted me. And he bought me a drink. I should have walked out. And I didn't. I wanted the drink. Because I'm a drunk. And you deserve so much more than that. Than me. Stop. He's your husband. You chose each other. You're sober. You can be well. You deserve this. Fight. Fight for this. For him. It's your life. Fight for it. Help him understand. Tell him. Show him. He's hurt. He needs to know. Tell him.Don't give up. "It was not about him. I was so drunk I don't even know how I got there . . . I don't even remember . . . everything .. . I blacked out . . . I blacked out. . . It was something. . . .else . . ."
She took a deep breath. She had to try. She had to. Knowing the answer before she asked, as gently as she could. "Haven't you ever done something . .that you can't take back . .. no matter how much you want .. and then, after, you can't believe that you actually did it?" Eyes intent, staring into his, knowing there was risk in where she was going. They'd never spoke of it. Not once. Not ever. "That it seemed like someone or something took over your body for just a little while and did something horrible and then left you with the mess. . . and the shame. . . and the guilt. Haven't you, Luka?"
He stared at her. . . she wasn't. . . she wasn't going there. . . but she was. "You know that I have. You saw me do it." Their first date. The mugger.
It was his turn to fold his arms, protect himself.
"Yes. . . I know you have. . . In that moment, I recognized you. I knew how you felt because I'd been there myself. I knew, Luka. I got it. I knew that what happened that night had nothing to do with who you really were. . who you are. And I never thought I'd have one of those moments again, but I did. . I did. . . I was too messed up myself to help you right then. But I understood. Can't you? Please just try. . . "
Realization slow to dawn. "I always wondered how you could . . . want to be . . . with me. . . after that. . . " Her knock at the door. Standing in front of him. Giving herself. To him. Without fear. After what she'd seen. What he'd done. She'd looked him in the eyes and made him feel like a human being again. Abby. How? How could she give herself to someone else. . .after. . .after. . . everything? All they'd been through. All that they were to each other. All that they had. After so long. How?
"I knew, Luka. I knew it wasn't really you. . . .I saw you. I knew. .. .don't you know me .. Can't you see me? . . .Please . . . "
He sat down heavily, put his head in his hands. Ran his fingers through his hair. "It's so hard, Abby. It's so damn hard. It just hurts. . . it hurts too much. . ."
She came to kneel in front of him. "I know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You may not believe this, but I don't think you could hate it any more than I do. I do. I hate it. But what happened had nothing to do with normal feeling or. . any feeling or. . . anything. . . normal. . . It had everything do with what happens to me when I drink. Or maybe really why I drink, Luka. Because I feel like dirt, because I hate myself, and I feel sorry for myself, and I blame everyone and anyone for my problems. I lie to myself and whoever will listen. I let myself resent you. I told myself that you didn't want me, didn't really love me. That just maybe you were never coming home. . . and that pretty much what always happens to poor little Abby was happening again. . .that you would leave me like everyone always does. . that it was all a lie. . . a joke. . . a cruel. . .joke. . . and that. . . and that. . . . you were happier here. . . without me. . . that you were. . . sorry . . . that you . . . that you . . . mar. . . " She couldn't finish . . .Couldn't form the words. Eyes full, bearing her soul, splayed open, terrified because in that moment it felt like it really was all up to him, and however much work she'd done, she wasn't sure she'd have the strength to do this without him.
"Abby." He reached out, took her face between his hands, brushed her tears with his thumbs. Made her look at him. See him. Made himself see her. He was torn. Part of him was dying to take away her pain. Tell her not to cry. Dry her tears. And part of him was drinking it in. Like rain in a desert. Desperate to hear, to know, that it was their pain and not just his own. "That's not true, Abby. I was happy here because I was happy with you. My life was good, and I wanted to share it with my family and make things right with them. Without you. . . it doesn't matter where I am. . .I've been miserable these past weeks without you . . . why. . . why didn't you tell me that's how you felt?"
Her hands were on his arms. Hanging on. "Because I just wanted you to want to come home. . . I didn't want to tell you to come home . . . not again.. .I didn't want . . . your pity . . . I didn't want you to come home . . . because you had to . . .because I couldn't cut it . . . I wanted you to miss me the way I missed you. . . love me the way that I love you. . . "
Luka swallowed hard. He got it. She'd opened herself to him. Everything. Raw. Maybe for the first time. Maybe for the first time ever. To anyone. He knew what it was to hide. To have something you were so ashamed of that you hid it away. From everyone. What it would mean to tell someone. Abby. Trusting him. Loving him. It was up to him now. "Don't you know? Don't you know, Abby?" He couldn't believe that she didn't. But she didn't. He slid off the couch onto the floor in front of her to hold her. Join her. Eye to eye. "I thought that the time wouldn't matter. . . that if you loved me like I love you. . . nothing would come between us. . . time. . . distance. . . The thought of you with someone else . . . .being with someone else. . .it kills me. . . because. . . because there couldn't be anyone else for me. . ."
"There was no one else. . . no one, Luka. . . not for me. . . Whatever else you think of me. . . don't think that. . .The minute I saw you I knew. . . I knew. . .It hadn't been a lie. . .Us. . . That it had been true. . . And then . . . I knew. . . what I'd done. . . and I just . . . I couldn't. . . stand. . . it . . . Couldn't face . .. .it . .. . .I felt. .. . like I'd ruined us. .. .. that I'd ruined myself. .. .. .. .. . that you. .. that you . .. could never still love me. . . that. . . I could never be with you. . . again . . . I'm so ashamed. . ." She was still crying, forcing the words out. Desperate. He had to know. No matter what happened. He had to know that it was him. It had always been him.
He took her in his arms, stroked her hair, her back, felt her body begin to settle into his, to stop trembling. The desire for anything but bringing comfort. . . gone. . . sated. He saw her. Who she was. He knew. He remembered. The mother of his child. The love of his life. "I was a fool to be gone so long. . . I took you for granted. . . us for granted. But I never stopped loving you. Never. I couldn't. I won't." Then softer and softer like a promise to himself and to her. "I won't. I won't."
I wonder. . .if I. . .If I were hurt like that ?
If you'd keep on walking?
If anyone would know who I was. . .
I would.