Going back home with Yuri and leaving baby Mason in the hospital was one of the hardest things Erica had ever done. Although she trusted the doctors and nurses to take good care of him, her arms ached to hold him, and as she rode away from the hospital, she felt as if she were leaving a part of herself behind.
Yuri understood how she felt. Silently he squeezed her hand before grabbing the steering wheel.
She'd never been so happy to see Toni and Sonya, and she hugged both little girls as tightly as she could, never wanting to let them go.
"Your mother need to rest," Yuri told his daughters. "She has just had surgery. I trust that you will both be quiet and behave."
"We will, Daddy," Toni promised, and Sonya nodded her agreement.
"I'm so happy to see you both!" Erica exclaimed. "Was everything all right while I was gone?"
"She cried last night," said Toni.
"Did not!" Sonya said indignantly.
"Did too! I heard you, so there." Toni smiled smugly.
"What's he look like, Mommy?" asked Sonya. "When can we see him?"
"He looks a lot like you did when you were first born, except that he's very tiny," Erica replied. "He's about the size of one of your dolls. He has to stay in the hospital until he's a little bit bigger and stronger, and then he can come home to live with us."
Toni and Sonya exchanged significant glances. "What happened to the other baby brother?" Toni asked at last.
"His umbilical cord was wrapped too tightly around his neck for him to breathe, so he couldn't live. We're going to say good-bye to him tomorrow."
Toni and Sonya had about a million questions each about death, dead bodies, caskets, funerals, and burials, and Erica and Yuri tried their best to answer them. As they had different beliefs about the afterlife, they tried to steer the conversation away from that subject.
At last Yuri offered to take the girls out so that Erica could get some rest, and she lay down and fell asleep almost right away. Several hours later, she awakened to the sound of the TV and the aroma of Chinese take-out. She arose and wandered into the kitchen, where she found Yuri clearing away the girls' meals.
"Ah, you are awake now." He came to her with a concerned expression on his face. "You are all right?"
"Oh, Yuri!" She put her arms around him and buried her face in his shoulder. He held her and rubbed her back soothingly.
"Eat something," he urged her after awhile. "You will feel better."
To her surprise, Erica found that she was ravenous. She'd hardly eaten anything at all for the several days she'd been in the hospital, and now she couldn't gobble up the food quickly enough.
"Careful! Do not eat your fingers too," Yuri teased her. They laughed together for the first time since before the ordeal had began.
Later, the family all watched 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' together, and Yuri got the girls ready for bed, then joined Erica in the living room, where they watched a couple of hours of TV before going to bed themselves.
In the silence and the dark, Erica began to cry. Yuri reached for her and pulled her close.
"I just can't stop thinking about him lying there in that incubator, all alone," she sobbed. "He's so tiny...and I want to hold him so bad. I have this deep, empty feeling inside, and it hurts so much."
"I know, malenkaya." Tenderly he kissed her face. "He will be home soon. Everything is going to be all right, Erica." He held her and stroked her until she finally dozed off to sleep.
Baby Matthew's funeral was the following day. It was overcast, damp, and rainy, matching Erica's mood perfectly. A few friends and neighbors were there, including Jed, Carrie, Matt, and Cheryl. They'd put their personal opinions of Yuri aside to show support for Erica in her time of sorrow.
Erica looked at the tiny white casket and thought about her sister, Toni. She'd died alone, with nobody there to hold her hand. For her there had been no funeral, no burial, no grave site to visit and leave flowers. It was almost as if she'd been completely forgotten. But never by me, Erica told herself firmly.
As the minister spoke, Erica silently talked to her sister. Are you really up there, Toni? Are you happy? Are Mom and Dad with you? Can you look down on us, on me and my family? Do you know that I'm married to Yuri, that we have two little girls and a baby boy? Is Matthew up there with you? Are you holding him now? Please take care of him for me until I join you, Toni...
Now Yuri was touching her hand. "It is time to go now, Erica," he said gently.
The rain fell as Erica left the cemetery with her husband and daughters, staring at the tiny white casket until she couldn't see it anymore.