Chapter Thirty-Six
He didn't know how Eliot spent the day and he felt like an ass for it.
He had gone out back in search of a moment for himself and had apparently fallen asleep soon after he had finally sat down.
Parker had woken him not long before the sun began to set and he had stayed out there until long after it went down.
It was nearly eleven by the time he peered in on Eliot to find him sleeping on his side of the bed.
That made him feel worse as consciously or not Eliot was obviously looking for him and the best he had found was his pillow.
After that he pulled the door closed again going to the kitchen for what would be his first meal of the near ended day.
Three hours later found him on the couch flipping through infomercials but what should have been something mindless and relaxing was full of guilt instead because it was nothing more than a stall tactic to avoid Eliot.
His mind was a mess.
If it wasn't throwing him questions that could no longer be pushed away it was painting vivid pictures of the night before.
With the questions he didn't know enough and still knew too much to simply let it go and that scared him because he had been shut out for less and he didn't want to be pushed away.
The memories were why he had yet to go back in the bedroom.
One look at the bed and he was suddenly pinned there again not being able to breathe and just knowing that the last thing he was going to see were dark dank eyes filled with hate and disgust.
As much as it angered him to think it on some level Eliot had been trying to kill him and there was the fear that if he lay in there with him tonight he could very likely try again, could even possibly succeed.
He wanted his Eliot back but as he got to thinking about how to make that happen his devious mind supplied him with the thought that maybe his had been fake. Maybe all of that charade was falling away and he was getting his first real glimpse at the actual Eliot Spencer.
Had Eliot been broken so badly that he had to steal pieces from others to be complete again?
Would he actually have made himself into someone else because he couldn't remember who he was supposed to be?
And what Nate found to be most important.
Would he ever be able to have Eliot hover over him without being reminded of that night, without thinking that he just might do it again?
The thought angered him just that much more and it was finally right before three that he tossed the channel changer and went back toward the bedroom.
Why couldn't he trust that Eliot was just having a bad day and move on?
Eliot trusted him not to be out there drinking his problems away like a fish, and he wasn't, thanks to Eliot.
Sophie had wanted him to quit just like that.
Without care of his reasoning just because it was bad and sure he knew that, but Eliot knew too.
Eliot knew enough, had probably seen enough to know why a man would just turn to the bottle and he hadn't forced Nate away from his.
Instead he went drinking with him.
He made him interact with others when all he really wanted to do was find a dark place to hide.
He took him out where most of those nights would end up in laughter and eventually he associated his drinking with Eliot and a good time.
To say just like that he was cured would be a lie but Eliot was usually there when he needed that outlet.
He would start an argument if Nate needed to blow off steam.
He would be the voice of reason if he felt like he needed something to clear his head.
And Eliot would offer himself knowing full well that on that night he'd be nothing more than a distraction from memories.
The method wasn't full proof but he knew two things.
One, he hadn't had a drink since the day Eliot got discharged from the hospital and two, he didn't know how many days that had been because he hadn't bothered counting.
Eliot didn't make him feel like he needed a certain amount of days under his belt to be good enough.
He had already tried that and it seemed like keeping track only made your next failure seem that much bigger and why do that when you had someone at home that didn't judge, who would simply get the broom and offer the dust pan instead of leaving you on your knees with the pieces.
Eliot was good to him like that.
So why was he still standing heavily in the hallway?
That little voice in the back of his head said it was because he was a selfish coward and mostly he agreed but he told it to shut up anyway and with a deep breath he opened the door.
What he had been expecting he didn't know but Eliot was still sleeping and that alone was a testament to how exhausted he must be.
He didn't bother with a light as he walked straight into the bathroom closing the door and leaning against it with a heavy sigh.
He hadn't wanted a good look at Eliot.
Surely he had caused himself some damage as well and he didn't know how he would handle seeing it.
It was another minute of him wondering what he'd see in there before he ran a hand along the wall eventually coming to a light switch and flipping it.
The medicine cabinet was a complete disaster, most of its contents in the sink, and the shelves nearly falling out.
Moving over the towels that were now everywhere, including the bathtub, he reached out to close it expecting his reflection but not the crack across the mirror.
That did nothing to change his image though as he finally took the time to inspect his neck.
The bruising had darkened, that much he knew, it held a greenish hue around his adams apple and over all he'd say was fairly consistent.
In the least he could say Eliot did know how to apply torture-some pressure as he felt how deep it went every time he swallowed.
Ironically enough he couldn't help but think he needed a hair cut as he pulled the door back open, fixing the shelves, and started placing their things back inside.
When Eliot had made this mess he didn't know but he assumed it had been sometime after Parker's visit.
The soap dish was in pieces as was the toothbrush holder and though he didn't know where Eliot's toothbrush was he knew he didn't want his back having found it behind the toilet.
The bathroom wasn't large, he believed their room had originally been an office or perhaps a den, and Eliot had just turned it into a bedroom and added a bathroom. No it wasn't large but that didn't mean it wasn't taking some time to clean.
After all the glass he had picked up his fingers held a nick or two and he knew he'd have to mop come morning.
The towels were simply thrown in the tub.
They hadn't brought much with them and though he had gone and bought a few things they were probably running low on clothes so he'd just have to do the laundry tomorrow as well.
A last look and a reminder to throw out the bath mat and he was shutting off the light and pulling open the door.
All of that had been a distraction and he had appreciated it but now as he looked over to him his thoughts were back on Eliot.
He hadn't bothered with trying to be silent while cleaning the bathroom and why Eliot hadn't gotten up was beyond him.
Normally he would have been in the doorway of the bathroom telling him exactly why what he was doing was wrong but it was probably safe to say things weren't normal anymore.
Shaking himself from those thoughts he went to the dresser to grab a t-shirt and some pajama pants.
He took his time in changing and was contemplating whether or not he should brush his teeth when he reminded himself that that was no longer an option, he'd have to buy a new toothbrush.
Nope, there were no other available distractions, though he did make removing his watch one, and he was left to decide if he'd be sleeping on Eliot's half of the bed like he was his or if he'd be tucking his tail and going back to the couch.
During these thoughts he got a feeling that made the hair on the back of his neck stand up and he quickly turned from where he had been facing the dresser to see what caused it. It was hard to see much more than the shape of things even with his eyes having adjusted and the glow of the alarm clock wasn't helping to show anything other than an empty corner but he just knew in that moment Eliot was looking at him.
Eliot was waiting to see what he'd do.
He was giving him an opportunity of escape by not saying anything and once again he felt like an ass.
He didn't know who was stupider, him for wanting to leave or Eliot for giving him a chance to do such a thing.
If he walked out that door now it would be as if he was walking out on them and that wasn't something he could do, not with how much he had invested.
He took one last measuring glance to where he knew the door to be before moving to the bed and sitting on the edge with caution.
After everything sure he wanted to curl up with Eliot but in the same sense after everything how could he not be wary of Eliot.
He was just as careful with getting one of the pillows from him and with a few measured breaths he stretched out on the side that would be his for the night.
"It's alright..." Eliot sounded apologetic as he readjusted his pillow and Nate hated that such a simple movement had nearly caused him to flinch. "I'm scared of me too."
It hurt.
There was nothing in those words other than simple acceptance and he couldn't find his voice to deny something that for the moment was quite true. There was a drift building between them and he could literally feel it as Eliot moved farther away.
With another deep breath he moved closer until there was absolutely no space between them and then dropped an arm around Eliot's waist pulling him even closer. He didn't worry about injuries as he continued adjusting and Eliot readjusting until they were comfortable.
Was he still uneasy?
Yes, but with his arm around Eliot he could feel that he was just as much if not more so and that helped him to calm some.
They had hit a rough patch and as he breathed in familiar warmth he knew that even though this time it might take a while to smooth things out space was the last thing they needed.
2,OOO words and only 7 were spoken, LOL
This was a chapter just for Nate, I like humanizing him. (Just wrote him out another humbling part that will probably appear in chapter 50-ish which is funny since I don't have the chapter written just that part)
Hopefully you enjoyed!