36

September 26, 1997

Trish lifted her head from the book she was reading to look in the direction of the dining room table where Harm and Mac were playing Scrabble. They had put Tally to bed, and cleared away the dishes in comfortable silence, and now they were softly making small talk.

Mac hadn't said a lot after her appointment with Vera, but she'd put on a brave face for Tally. Trish knew there was a long and difficult road ahead, but she couldn't be prouder because Mac was so committed to getting through it and being okay.

Harm didn't want to pry and hadn't asked anything yet. He'd given her a hug and kept the conversation going, but hadn't touched the topic of her appointment with Vera yet.

Mac picked tiles and arranged them on her rack. "We have to get Tally back to her own bed."

Harm selected another tile. "You think so?"

"You don't?"

Pursing his lips, he nodded. "Eventually."

"This is going to be the fifth night. The longer we wait, the harder it's going to be to get her back to her own room." Mac tried to pull a knee up to her chest, but decided to fold it under her when her ribs protested. She sighed as the pain eased and she settled into the more-comfortable position.

"It's been a crazy week, Mac."

Looking at him from across the table, her brows furrowed. "You're telling me."

The corners of his lips pulled up as he smiled apologetically. "Right. Sorry."

"It's okay. But the sooner she realizes we're still there even when she doesn't sleep with us, the better."

Trish took in the 'we' and 'us' and smiled. Mac had already made herself more part of the family than she realized. And she had a point. The sooner Tally went back to her own bed, the better.

"You want more space, Marine?" Harm grinned.

"I've got plenty of space. I just want you to stop hogging the covers." She stuck her tongue out. "I'm serious, sailor."

Harm sighed. "I know. But if she sleeps through tonight, it'll be the second night in a row without nightmares. Let's see if we can reach four of those, and then we'll try to get her back to her own bed."

Mac saw it for the compromise he was trying to make. "All right."

He winked. "And I'll try to stop hogging covers."

"Promises, promises."

It was quiet for a while as they formed words. Harm bit his lip. He wanted to ask about therapy, but he didn't want to come across as overbearing. Maybe it was too late for that, anyway. "Are you okay? After Vera?"

"Mmm. It's a start. It wasn't pretty, but it's a start."

"I think you're awfully brave for going. For trying to make some sort of sense of it, for powering through." His eyes didn't leave the board. "God knows the only thing I feel is anger and helplessness."

Mac's eyes lifted from the board to his face. Maybe, if she asked… "Can I ask you something?"

His eyes met hers. "Anything."

"You'll think I'm strange."

"I doubt that," he assured her. "You'll have to trump Tally with her weird questions, and as you know, that is not an easy feat."

"Okay." She laid a word on the board and rested her chin in her hand. "Can you explain to me why you're so angry? I'm having a hard time…" She paused and cleared her throat. "I don't understand it."

"Don't understand what?" Harm frowned. "Why I'm pissed with him?"

"Yeah."

Harm swallowed and bit down on more anger. He took a deep breath and leaned back in his chair. "He hurt you. He scared the shit out of both you and Tally. He tried to take something that wasn't his. Made you feel unsafe at work. You want me to go on?"

She shook her head. "You're not mad at me?"

"Why in the world would I be mad at you?" Seeing her posture shrink at his slightly raised voice, he repeated the question, quietly. "Why you I be mad at you?"

She shrugged, trying to put up an indifferent front. "I don't know."

"Would you really ask the question if you didn't know? Why would you think that, Mac?"

Saying the words out loud would make it real. And Mac feared his anger more than anything else. "I let him in."

Softly drumming his fingers on the table, Harm shook his head. "You didn't let him in. He forced his way in. Two very different things."

"Tally will be traumatized for the rest of her life."

"Tally will be fine. It might take a while, but Tally will be fine. She'll get over this overprotective streak."

"Will you?"

Now, that was the million dollar question. Would he? Was he ever going to feel less guilty about not being with them? He tilted his head, thinking. "That might take a while as well."

Mac traced the rim of her mug with a finger. "Why?"

"Why it might take a while?"

"You have to stop repeating my questions back to me."

"Right." Harm let his breath out. "Well, my Superman complex dictates that I'm there whenever there's trouble. That goes double, if not triple for the people I care about. So accepting that this happened, and I wasn't there… It will take time to wrap my head around it."

Mac let that sink in. "You care about me?"

Harm raised an eyebrow in her direction. "If you have to ask I've done a terrible job of showing you."

"You haven't. Done a terrible job of showing me." She looked down at her mug. "I just… I probably know. I just have a really hard time believing it."

Leaning forward, he cupped her cheek. "Better start believing it, Marine. I don't see that changing anytime soon, if at all."

Her answer was quiet, filled with disbelief and doubt. "Okay. I'll try."

"Take all the time you need. I'm not going anywhere." Dropping his hand again, he looked down at the board. "Whose turn?"

"Yours."

Harm surveyed his letters, then picked a tile from the stack. "How are you feeling? Are you okay?"

"Feeling how? Physically? Emotionally?"

"Both."

"The check-up was fine. My ribs seem to be healing, even though I don't feel it. The stitches should be out in two weeks or so." She shrugged. "Vera put me through the wringer, which is exhausting. Always is."

"I know." He offered her a smile. "I was ready to throw in the towel after about a week of psych evals."

Mac tilted her head. "When did you have psych evals? Oh, wait, your ramp strike…"

"My ramp strike," Harm confirmed.

"You didn't, though?"

"I didn't." Harm toyed with a tile. "There were more people to think about than me. And if they were going to give me any second chance to go back flying, I knew that I'd better power through. Why? Are you thinking about giving up?"

"No." She chewed on the inside of her bottom lip. "No, of course not. I started this and I'll follow through. Just wish all of it was easier than it is."

He could imagine. His ramp strike had been pretty cut and dry, even though he had to work through feeling guilty about Mace. He'd always carry it, but it had eased a bit over time. Silently, Harm wondered if it would ever be easier for Mac. He hoped. Prayed it would.

Leaning in again, he gave her an encouraging smile. "Well, we're not going anywhere. So whatever you need, whether it's a hug, or to talk, or even to yell at someone or something… Or if you need a break and just want to hang out and not say anything… Let me know, all right?"

She studied his expression for a while without saying anything. "You're a really good friend, Harm."

"Good. You deserve to have good friends." That made him think of something else. "On that subject… Is there someone you want to call? I know that we've just taken you home and things had to settle down a bit, but I've never asked about friends you may want to call."

She looked slightly embarrassed. "You actually think… Okay." Licking her lips, her eyes dropped to the table and she shook her head. "No, no one else to call. It's pretty much just me."

He'd suspected as much, but hearing her say it broke his heart. "That by choice or circumstance?"

Surprised by his reaction, she was at a loss for words for a moment. "Both, I think. You know me; I have a hard time trusting anyone. It's not something that comes easily or naturally to me. I made some friends during boot camp, and college, but nothing close. And any sort of friend from high school… Well, we parted ways and that's been all for the best."

"But you have friends now, right? Me, Mom, Frank, Jack and Teagan… Andrea and Leslie."

Her cheeks colored pink. "You just put me in the middle of them, said: 'this is Mac' and decided they needed to be friends with me."

"That's because you're awesome," he winked. "Did it work?"

"I think Andrea and Leslie are really great. Teagan is like me: we were just dumped into the middle of it because we started to hang out with you and Jack. Some things are less… complicated, with her, I think." The game temporarily forgotten, Mac pulled her sleeve over her hand. "She actually wants to take me to the Smithsonian on Friday. They're having a paleontology exhibit."

"Great. Go for it."

"Won't it be a problem with Tally?"

"I'm here. Mom's here. If all else fails, we'll call Andrea or Adele, as we always do. Don't talk yourself out of an afternoon off – and doing what you want to do - because of Tally." He wanted her to have more friends. People to have fun with. People she could confide in because she wanted to. Teagan was great. And like Mac said, Teagan didn't have a history with the group he'd surrounded himself with for the past six years, either. Maybe that was a good thing. At least for Mac. Teagan had met her without hearing his mother bad-mouthing her first, unlike some others. Was it really only a week ago that things hadn't been the way they were now?

"Are you sure?" she asked again.

Harm nodded. "I am sure. Go have fun with Teagan. It'll be good for you."

"Okay," she conceded. There was no point in arguing with him. In all honesty, she was looking forward to an afternoon at the Smithsonian with Teagan.

Trish let her eyes wonder back to her book. They were taking baby steps, but steps nonetheless. Maybe if Mac could see and get that they all cared, the healing would be easier. But Trish knew from experience that it would take time convincing someone who had believed that they were alone in the world their whole life.

Thankfully for them, there was no rush in trying to convince her.