Hi everyone. So, I know the last chapter was really sad, and unfortunately, this one isn't a whole lot happier. I hate that this point of the story is so heartbreaking, considering all the heartbreaking things that have happened in the world the last few days. It's kind of crappy timing :( But I promise things will soon start to turn around for Juice and his girl. In the mean time, thank you all for reading and for the joy that you all give me every time I get a response telling me you like my story. It means so very much to me, and I am incredibly grateful.

So here it is; the official beginning of season 3. I truly hope you enjoy it, and as always, please review…

Chapter 36

Gracie sat on the couch beside Tara, aware that her entire body was trembling, but unable to do anything about it. It was like a blast of cold was spreading inside of her, freezing her veins and numbing her senses, until she could barely feel anything. She stared down at the hands she was rubbing together in a pointless attempt to get warm, only to get even colder when she noticed that they were still covered in dried blood.

"Grace? Grace, did you hear me?"

The voice sounded like it was a million miles away, but when Gracie looked up she realized that it was coming from David Hale, who was kneeling right in front of her.

She looked at him, confused. "I'm sorry. What?"

Hale gave her a soft smile. "I asked you if you were alright. Do you need me to drive you to the hospital?"

Gracie just shook her head. "No, I'm fine. I just want to go home."

She glanced up at Tara, who hadn't stopped crying since the moment Jax untied her from that chair. "Knowles, do you want to come home with me?"

Tara just shook her head and used the back of her hand to try and wipe away some of her tears. "No, I should stay here. I need to be here when Jax gets home, when he brings Abel back home."

Gracie just nodded. As soon as Jax told them Abel was missing, all the guys left to find him, including Juice who only agreed to go after Gracie promised him that she was alright and that she would wait there for him to come back. But after hours of being questioned by the police, all Gracie wanted to do was go home, take a shower, and crawl into her bed. She had no idea how much longer Juice would be, but she couldn't stay in Tara's house another minute.

Gracie looked back up at Hale. "David, do you think you could give me a ride to my apartment?"

Hale stood up from where he was kneeling and patted her on the shoulder. "Of course. Come on, Grace."

Gracie leaned over and kissed Tara on the cheek before heading for the front door. But before she made it outside, she made the mistake of turning her head and glancing into the kitchen. She saw the blood coating the floor and the outline of where Kip's body had been laying a few hours earlier, and she was suddenly overwhelmed with sickness. She raised her hand up to her mouth and ran as fast as she could for the front door. "Oh god…"

Gracie reached the grass just in time as she fell to her knees and vomited all over the front yard. It seemed to go on forever, and at some point she felt Hale behind her, holding back her hair and comfortingly rubbing her back. When she finally had nothing left, she felt David gently pull her up from the ground and guide her to his police car. "It's ok, Grace. Let's get you home."

Gracie could only nod, her voice once again drowned out by her tears.

Juice pulled up in front of the weed shop and turned off the engine, hesitating for a moment before slowly stepping off of his bike. He hated the thought of climbing the stairs, opening the door, and having to tell Gracie that they didn't find Abel. They had used every resource, every angle, every lead they could find, but as they ran down the pier at the docks and watched Cameron Hayes drive that boat away, they were lost. Abel was really gone.

Juice closed his eyes and shook his head, trying to get the sound of Jax's agonizing screams out of his head. He had never seen his brother in so much pain, so terrified, and it hurt like hell. Once they realized that they weren't going to be bringing the baby home that night, Opie and Juice rode back with Jax to his house. Jax immediately grabbed a bottle of whiskey and went to Abel's nursery, ignoring Tara and everyone else. Juice went looking for Gracie, but the deputy still stationed at the house told him that Hale had given her a ride home about 20 minutes earlier.

He walked into their apartment, locking the door behind him, before taking off his boots and hanging up his kutte. Then he put his phone, keys, K-bar, and holster on the kitchen table before going to find his girl.

"Gracie? Sweetheart?" As he walked closer, he heard water running and realized that she must be in the shower. He went to the bathroom door and knocked softly, but when he didn't get a response he slowly opened the door and stepped inside. "Gracie, are you…"

Juice's voice caught in his throat when he caught sight of her. Gracie was sitting on the floor of their shower, her back resting against the tiles with her legs drawn up to her chest, hugging herself tightly. Her skin was scorched red from the heat, and despite the water falling over her naked body, Juice could see that she was still crying. He swallowed the lump in his throat as he slowly approached her. "Oh, sweetheart…"

Gracie's vacant eyes glanced up at him sadly, her voice strained with tears. "Did you find him?"

When he shook his head, tears stung his eyes. He didn't think it was possible for her to look even more devastated. Gracie didn't say anything else. She just lowered her head to her knees as a fresh burst of sobs erupted from her body.

He had no idea what to say. Nothing would comfort her. Nothing would make this better. So he did the only thing he could think of. Without another word, he stepped into the shower, still fully clothed, and sat down next to Gracie, wrapping his arms around her bare shoulders and pulling her close. She turned into him, burying her face against his neck and clinging for dear life onto the soaked cotton of his t-shirt. And there they stayed, holding each other, until the water finally ran cold.

Two days later Gracie was on the back of Juice's bike, on her way back to Tara's house for the first time since the night of the kidnapping. The morning after Kip's death, Gracie started to snap out of the trance she'd been in since it happened and realized that she now had a job to do. With Gemma on the run for a murder she didn't commit and Tara and the guys out of their mind with worry about Abel, it fell on her to take care of Kip's funeral arrangements. Sadly, she already knew which funeral home to call and who to contact at the cemetery. First Donna, then Luann, now Kip. Jesus Christ, this is the third funeral I've helped plan in less than a year. She called Piney who helped with the details since she knew a lot more would go into it all since Kip was a member, or at least was being made one posthumously by Clay. Then she called the local veteran's organization to let them know that Kip had passed away so that they could give him military honors, and she silently wondered who would receive the folded American flag that would be draped over his coffin, just like the one sitting in her closet that she was given after her father's 21-gun salute.

So now here she was, walking hand in hand with Juice along with the rest of Samcro, up to Jax's house because, for the first time in almost 48 hours, they finally had a knew lead on Cameron and Abel.

As soon as she got into the house, she wrapped her arms tightly around Tara. She didn't bother asking her best friend how she was doing. It was obvious that she was a total mess. So she just pulled back slightly and squeezed her hands. "I love you, Knowles."

Tara tried her best to force a small smile. "Love you too, Gracie Jane."

As the guys went to go find Jax, Gracie and Tara sat down at the kitchen table. "So, how is he?"

Tara just shook her head. "I don't know what to do, Gracie. He won't talk to me, to anyone. He just sits in the nursery for hours, drunk and stoned out of his mind. I want to help him but I think…I think he blames me."

Gracie reached across the table and held Tara's trembling hands. "That can't be true."

Gracie watched as Tara bit her lip and looked up to the ceiling, regret filling her gaze. "I just keep reliving it over and over again, and thinking that maybe if I gotten up when you did, maybe if I ran after him, maybe…"

"Tara, stop it. Stop it right now. There is nothing you could have done to keep Cameron from walking out of here with Abel. If you would have tried, the only thing that would have happened is that I would be burying two friends instead of just one. And Jax knows that, too. You didn't do anything wrong. It just happened."

Tara nodded just as some of the guys walked back into the kitchen. Bobby walked over to the counter and poured himself a cup of coffee before looking at Tara and offering her a small smile. "We got him up, Doc. Opie's getting him in the shower and then when he's ready, we're gonna go get Abel."

Everyone hung around the house for a while until Jax was dressed and sobered up enough to ride. Juice stood behind her chair, his hands resting comfortingly on her shoulders, while Chibs sat beside her at the table, holding her hand. When she felt him squeeze it a little tighter, Gracie looked up warmly at her Scotsman. She saw the dark circles and bags around his reddened eyes and knew that, next to her, Chibs was taking Kip's death the hardest. He was the prospect's sponsor, his boxing coach, and most importantly, his friend. He was suffering almost as much as she was.

Gracie leaned her head over to him and whispered. "I love you, Chibs. And he loved you, too."

Gracie watched as Chibs closed his eyes and nodded before looking down at his lap. "I know, sweet girl. I know."

A few minutes later, Jax and the rest of the guys were ready to go, but before they left, Clay gave Tara and Gracie some instruction on what to say and what not to say to the feds when they were questioned later that afternoon.

Before walking out of the house, Juice pulled Gracie close and kissed her softly. "I'll call you as soon as I can, and if I'm not back in time, call Piney to take you to the funeral home. I don't want you going alone."

Gracie nodded. Tonight was Kip's wake followed by his burial at the graveside the next morning. "I won't go alone. I promise." She looked up into his eyes one more time then leaned forward to kiss him once more. "Please be careful."

Juice just pulled her in close, hugging her tightly to his body and burying his face in her hair. "Always."

Tara and Gracie stood on the porch together, hand in hand, and watched the club ride away. They waited there until the last bike faded from their view and the rumble of the engines could no longer be heard before turning to walk back into the house.

But before they made it inside, Gracie looked over at Tara and saw the broken, defeated expression on her face. She squeezed her best friends hand and tried to smile, her voice quiet but sincere. "It's still you and me against the world, Knowles."

Tara didn't even look at her. She just shook her head and sighed. "I think the world is winning."

Gracie stood by Kip's casket, smoothing down the material of her simple gray cap sleeved dress, as she tried to stop her tears from falling. She used one hand to wipe her cheeks as Juice comfortingly squeezed the one that he was holding. She looked up into his eyes, so sad yet so loving, and gave him a small nod of thanks. Ever since he got back that afternoon from searching for Abel, he hadn't left her side. Apparently, they still weren't able to find Cameron, but they were at least getting some promising leads.

Gracie looked up as Jax, Tara, and Clay walked into the small room. They all took turns embracing one another, with Gracie momentarily stunned when Clay wrapped her up in a tight hug. "You did a real nice job, sweetheart. You're a good girl."

Gracie just nodded as Clay pulled away and went to stand with Jax and Juice. Tara stared at Kip's coffin for a moment, covered in black and draped with his kutte, and she slowly started to tremble. She looked back at Gracie and reached out her hand, and Gracie wordlessly went to her, holding her hand and kneeling with her in front of the casket, staying with her as she wept and whispered quiet prayers.

A couple of hours later, everyone was out on the lawn of the funeral home. They were all saying their goodbyes and heading home to get a good night's sleep, getting ready for Kip's burial in the morning and then another full day of searching for Abel. But just as they stepped onto the sidewalk and started walking towards the bikes, a black van came barreling down the street out of nowhere and, without warning, barraged the crowd with a hail of gunfire.

Gracie didn't even have time to scream before Juice was on top of her, pulling her to the ground and covering her with his body. She was unable to move, his full weight on top of her stilling her movements with the leather of his kutte blocking her view. But after what seemed like an eternity, the sound of gunshots finally ceased and was quickly replaced by horrifying screams.

Juice pulled her up from the ground and both of them quickly examined each other, making sure they were fine, before they looked at the devastation around them. David Hale, an honorable, brave man who had been so kind to her just a few days before, was lying dead in the street, and several other people seemed to have minor gunshot wounds. But the most tragic sight of all was a young boy who couldn't have been much older than Kenny Winston, shot dead and being cradled in the arms of his grieving mother.

Gracie didn't say anything; not when Jax started to beat one of the shooters, not when everyone started screaming for him to stop, not when Juice stood in front of her and asked if she was alright. She just stood there silently, drowning in the same cold numbness that she had come so close to escaping, lost in the waves of her grief.

Gracie didn't remember the ride home, but before she knew it Juice was guiding her back into their apartment. She vaguely recalls hearing his voice, pleading with her to speak, to tell him that she was alright, but she never said a word. Because what is there to say? One of my best friends was murdered right in front of me. A baby I love like my nephew was kidnapped by a madman. And I just watched an innocent child be gunned down in front of his mother. What could I possibly have to say?

She went through the motions, stripping off her clothes and taking a quick shower, before pulling on one of Juice's t-shirts and climbing into bed. A few moments later, she felt him lay beside her and it was only then, with his arm holding her close, his lips moving against her neck whispering how much he loved her, that she started to come out of the shock she'd been in, aware once again that she was alive, safe, and home with the man she loved more than anything.

She didn't even realize she'd started crying until Juice reached out his fingers and wiped a tear off her cheek. She turned on her side to look at him and sighed when she saw the same scared helplessness that she was feeling written all over his beautiful face.

Gracie reached out and caressed his cheek before swallowing the lump in her throat and mustering up the courage she needed to say the words that she felt absolutely compelled to say.

Her voice was quiet but resolved. "First, before I say anything else, I love you."

Juice bit his lip and nodded. "I love you too."

She took one more deep breath before continuing. "You told me when we first got together that the club didn't hurt innocents; women or kids…"

Juice shook his head. "Gracie, we didn't…"

Gracie shut her eyes and shook her head, silencing him. "You didn't kill that little boy tonight, you didn't kill David Hale, you didn't kill Kip, and you didn't kill Donna Winston. But you can't tell me that all of them aren't dead because of something that Samcro was involved in."

He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out, because as much as it hurt to admit it, she was right.

Juice took a few deep breaths, trying to calm the nerves racking his body, before he spoke. "What are you saying, Gracie? Are you…are you done with me?"

Gracie just sighed. "No. No, of course not. I'm just…I'm just saying…Listen, I told you in the beginning that I wouldn't try to change you, that I would never try to pull you away from the club, and I meant it, but…"

Her tears fell harder as she tried to think of the right way to express the burden on her heart. "I understand why you love the club. You're a family, and you live by a code, on no one else's terms but your own. I get all that, but…but the brotherhood, and the freedom, and the lifestyle…can't you find a way to have all that without all the violence? Without all the death?"

Gracie didn't say anything else. She just leaned forward and kissed him softly before rolling over on her other side and closing her eyes, willing her body to sleep.

After several minutes of staring silently at the auburn hair fanned out on her pillow, Juice heard Gracie's breath even out, signaling that his exhausted, heartbroken girl had finally fallen asleep. He leaned over and kissed the back of her head before lying on his back and staring up at the ceiling. And as he replayed every tragic event that had befallen his family and friends since the moment be joined the club, he couldn't help but ask himself a question that he'd always sworn that he would never need to ask…Is it worth it?

Juice woke up the next morning to the sound of Gracie's alarm clock. In light of the events the previous night, the club had decided to have a small, short gathering at the cemetery for the prospect as early as possible so that they could immediately work on retaliation against whoever attacked them. He looked over and couldn't help but smile at Gracie as she yawned widely and stretched her arms out like a cat, like she always did when she was still tired in the morning.

"Good morning, sweetheart." He reached over and grabbed her hand, squeezing it gently.

He felt her squeeze his in response as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes. "Morning, baby."

She threw the covers off her body and started to raise up from the bed, but Juice pulled her back down so that she was facing him. He tried his best but knew he couldn't hide the nervousness in his voice. "Hey…are we ok?"

He sighed in relief when Gracie looked at him, her eyes still filled with the love he was so addicted to seeing there. She reached out and placed her hands on his cheeks, cradling his face. "Of course we're ok. We'll always be ok. I love you." Then she leaned forward and kissed him.

Juice lost himself in the taste of her lips, the touch of her hands against his skin, and the smell of her hair filling the air around them. And as he felt himself fall in love with her all over again, just like every time he did when she kissed him like that, a calm determination flowed through him as he realized what he had to do. I'm going to fix this. I'm going to make things right. I don't know how, but I'm going to stop all the heartache and loss that I know is slowly destroying her. Because I could survive just about anything in this world, but I wouldn't last a day without Gracie.

Juice's day had been crazy. After Half-Sack's burial, he dropped Gracie off at TM where she was helping out in the office while Gemma was on the run. From there, he and his brothers went to Charming PD to pick up Jax, where he had been since he almost beat that fucker to death the night before. Then they all went to St. Thomas and, with Chucky's help, got to the shooter's room and saw that he was Calaveras, which meant that, much to all of their disbelief, the attack at the funeral home had been initiation for the Calaveras crew to join the Mayans.

From there, things got even more out of control. They went to Lodi and met with T.O. and the rest of the Grim Bastards, who gave them the intel they needed on Hector Salazar. Then they went to talk to a bounty hunter who agreed to help them track down Abel, but only after they ran down one of his bounties. After that, they rolled up on Salazar, nearly killing him, but at the last minute decided to spare him as a negotiating tactic with Alvarez.

By the time they got back to the clubhouse late that night, Gracie was already back at the apartment. She had texted him a few hours earlier saying that Piney was giving her a ride home and that she was going back to work tomorrow, since the hospital had called and told her that, for some reason, the ethics case against she and Tara had been dropped.

He was just opening up his computer to see if he could hack into any more databases, when he saw that he had a new email from the bounty hunter. And as soon as he opened it, a huge smile crossed his face. He hit the print button and ran to the printer, thinking how relieved he was that something in this shit storm of a day had finally worked out.

Juice looked on with the rest of his brothers and smiled when Jax saw the print out of the photo showing Cameron and Abel in Vancouver. It was finally proof that the baby was alive, and it gave them all back the hope that they had been so desperately missing.

A few minutes later, Juice was sitting at one of the tables watching his brothers have a celebratory drink at the bar. He was smoking a cigarette, staring down at his untouched whiskey, when he saw Jax walking towards him. "Hey Juicey."

Juice nodded to his VP as he pulled over a chair and sat down beside him. "Hey man. I'm happy for you. I knew Abel would be ok. And we're gonna find him."

Jax lit his cigarette and took a long slow drag, nodding with a small grin on his face. "I know we will. Thanks, bro." Jax leaned back in his chair and ran a hand through his messy blond hair. "So, you want to tell me what's wrong with you?"

Juice shrugged his shoulders. "Nothing. I'm fine."

Jax just shook his head. "Come on, man. I can see it all over your face. You look fucking miserable."

Juice blew a cloud of smoke up to the ceiling and sighed. "It's just Gracie, man. We're going through some shit."

Jax just grinned. "Well, if something's wrong, I'm assuming it's you. Your girl's a fucking angel."

Juice couldn't help but laugh. "Yeah, that's basically true. It's just…" Juice leaned in closer to the table, waiting for Jax to do the same, before quietly speaking. "Gracie's at the end of her rope, you know. She loves me, loves the club, but all the shit that's gone down? Donna, Sack, me and Chibs getting hurt, Abel? She's so fucking strong, but it's killing her, brother. She asked me last night if there was a way to have the club without all the death. It broke my heart, but I didn't know what to tell her, because I honestly don't know the answer."

Juice furrowed his brow as Jax leaned back and stared at him silently for a few long seconds, looking as though he was trying to decide something important, before finally nodding. Then Jax crushed his smoke in the ashtray, stood up, and started walking towards the door. "Follow me."

Juice walked outside and climbed on his bike, following his brother until he was parked in front of Jax and Tara's house. When they went inside, Jax told him to sit down at the kitchen table, where he waited for just a couple of minutes until Jax returned, placing a large leather binder down on the table in front of him.

Juice looked up at Jax in confusion. "What is this?"

Jax just patted Juice on the shoulder. "The answer, brother. I think it's the answer."

Juice looked at Jax a moment longer before flipping open the binder and reading the first words on the page…

The Life and Death of Sam Crow

How the Sons of Anarchy Lost their Way

By John Thomas Teller

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