A Hundred Storms

Chapter Thirty-Six: The Secrets that You Keep

There's so little you say

Of the life you have known

Why you keep to yourself

Why we're always alone

So dark, so dark and deep

The secrets that you keep!

- In My Life, Les Miserables

Hermione and Draco found themselves in a small meadow near a river, the sunlight was bright with the last rays of summer. Before them sat a very tiny Lily Evans and the unmistakable younger version of Severus Snape.

"Merlin.." Draco whispered.

"It's strange, isn't it?" Hermione agreed. "Logically all the adults in our lives had started off as children at one point, but seeing it is another thing entirely."

"He looks sad," Draco observed.

"He was a sad child," Hermione agreed. "That's Lily, Harry's mom."

The little red-haired girl was playing with a small twig, twisting it between her fingers.

It is real, isn't it? It's not a joke? Petunia says you're lying to me. Petunia says there isn't a Hogwarts. It is real, isn' it?

It's real for us, not for her. But we'll get the letter, you and me.

And will it really come by owl?

Normally, But you're Muggle-born, so someone from the school will have to come and explain to your parents.

Does it make a difference, being Muggle-Born?

No, it doesn't make any difference.

Good.

Hermione met Draco's eye and there was an apology there. A Muggle-Born child was such an abstract concept to Draco, a child that didn't already have over a decade of experience with magic wasn't something he could easily comprehend. To Draco it was like suddenly being told one day you had use of your right arm after only being able to use your left your whole life. Before asking Hermione what it was like to get her Hogwarts letter he never really put any thought into what sort of fears and expectations a child might have of Hogwarts. It must have been terribly bewildering.

The scene shifted before them and it was obvious a few years had passed. They were now walking in their Slytherin and Gryffindor robes through the familiar court yard on the Hogwarts grounds. Lily looked quite angry and Severus pleading with her.

I thought we were supposed to be friends? Best friends?

We are, Sev, but I don't like some of the people you're hanging round with! I'm sorry, but I detest Avery and Mulciber!?Mulciber!?What do you see in him, Sev, he's creepy! D'you know what he tried to do to Mary Macdonald the other day?

That was nothing, it was a laugh, that's all

It was dark magic, and if you think that's funny-

What about the stuff Potter and his mates get up to?

What's Potter got to do with anything?

They sneak out at night. There's something weird about that Lupin. Where does he keep going?

He's ill. They say he's ill-

Draco looked at Hermione. He didn't know the details of how his former professor was able to attend Hogwarts before the Wolfsbane Potion was perfected.

"James Potter, Sirus Black, and Peter Pettigrew taught themselves how to become Animagus so they could run with Remus Lupin the nights of the full moon," Hermione explained to Draco. "When they were in school. They figured out what was happening to Remus and wanted to keep him company...and breaking a dozen school rules probably didn't hurt the thrill of it."

"I wonder if Lily knew then," Draco speculated, referring to the memory.

"Probably," Hermione acknowledged. "She seemed like a very bright girl. Severus already has it figured out for sure."

The scene had changed again and Draco gasped to see his former Potions Master hanging upside down in the air, obviously under the control of James Potter, his underpants displayed for the entire student body to see. Lily Evans was flushed with anger as she shouted at James Potter.

LEAVE HIM ALONE!

Ah, Evens, don't make me hex you.

Take the curse off him, then!

There you go. You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus.

The next thing out of Severus's mouth threw Draco completely off guard.

I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!

The scene changed shortly after that while Draco still stood fixed at what he heard come out of his mentor's mouth. It occurred to him then that never once in all the years he knew Severus did he ever so much as whisper the derogatory word that was as common a phrase as please and thank you in the Deatheater circle. Draco couldn't place why, but to hear Severus say such a thing made it sound move vile than Draco ever realized. The scene changed again.

I'm sorry!

I'm not interested.

I'm sorry!

Save your breath. I only came out because Mary said you were threatening to sleep out here.

I was. I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just-

Slipped out? It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends, you see, you don't even deny it! You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?

Draco gapped at the scene again, unable to process it.

"They knew about Deatheaters in school?" Draco asked Hermione incredulously.

"Yes," Hermione confirmed. "Harry and I believe this was either their sixth or seventh year. Everything is about to go to Hell and Lily knows it. There was a pretty active and outspoken recruitment movement for Deatheaters at Hogwarts then, before anyone could comprehend what they were really in for."

"They didn't anyone stop it, the teachers had to know, didn't they?" Draco couldn't believe Dumbledore let something like that happen in his school.

"No one knew how powerful Voldemort would become," Hermione answered solemnly. "Or how dangerous. Being a racist is poor form, but not illegal. They didn't know at the time Voldemort was planning genocide."

"Seems like Lily had an idea," Draco observed.

"She was a bright woman," Hermione said again.

The scene changed around them completely this time, leaving no doubt they had left Hogwarts. Hermione braced herself for the difficult memories to come and Draco shifted uneasily when he saw her stiffen. In front of them Dumbledore had disarmed Severus, who looked terrified and began begging.

I - I come with a warning - no, a request - please -

What request could a Death Eater make of me?

The - the prophecy...the prediction...Trelawney...?

Ah, yes. How much did you relay to Lord Voldemort?

Everything everything I heard! That is why - it is for that reason...he thinks it means Lily Evans!

Draco watched with wide eyes as the scene unfolded. He never saw Severus so...torn apart. Draco knew from experience that it would mean death if Voldemort had discovered Severus went to Dumbledore with such information. Draco couldn't look away as he watched Severus tell Dumbledore he tried to bargain for Lily's life in trade for her husband and son. The look of disgust on Dumbledore's memory was so terrifying that Draco had to keep from taking a few steps back.

Hide them all, then. Keep her - them - safe. Please.

And what will you give me in return, Severus?

In- in return? Anything.

Hermione squeezed her eyes shut and let the tears fall as the scene before her revealed Severus and Dumbledore the night Harry's parents were murdered.

I thought...you were going...to keep her...safe...

She and James put their faith in the wrong person, rather like you, Severus. Weren't you hoping that Lord Voldemort would spare her? Her boy survives. Her son lives. He has her eyes, precisely her eyes. You remember the shape and color of Lily Evans's eyes, I am sure?

DON'T! Gone...dead..

Is this remorse, Severus?

I wish...I wish I were dead...

And what use would that be to anyone?

Hermione always thought her teacher was a fool to never let Dumbledore reveal the best part of himself. Why did he insist on carrying his misery like chains on his soul all those years? Did he really think Lily would have wanted him to live such a life?

"I'll never understand why he didn't want anyone to know his true motives," Hermione said weakly as the scenes played out the years of Snape's memories.

"Emotion can be manipulated," Draco said simply. "Snape handed over his greatest vulnerability to Dumbledore, look at how Dumbledore uses it to his advantage."

"Dumbledore isn't using Snape's vulnerability," Hermione defended.

"Of course he is, Granger," Draco said slowly. "Snape was probably going to jump off the deep end, and Dumbledore needed another man in on helping keeping Potter alive, which was obviously a lot of work. Dumbledore guilted Snape into helping."

"That's not manipulation, that's-" Hermione stopped and thought about it, then sighed. "Manipulation."

"What was that?"

"You're right, when you put it that way."

"I'm sorry?"

"You are correct, Draco."

"Suddenly I believe in miracles, how strange," Draco said with a big smirk. The smirk didn't last a minute before he saw the familiar Hogwarts grounds, this time it looked as it did the night of the Yule Ball. Severus and Dumbledore appeared to be in a casual conversation, if one was not privy to the words being spoken.

Karkaroff intends to flee if the Mark burns

Does he? And are you tempted to join him?

No. I am not such a coward.

No, you are a braver man by far that Igor Karkaroff. You know, I sometimes think we sort too soon...

"We do sort too soon," Hermione agreed. "Eleven is nothing. How is it that our whole lives are determined when we are so young?"

"Our whole lives is a bit dramatic, don't you think, Granger?" Draco asked skeptically.

"Not really," Hermione said. "Don't we all wear our House colors and traits with pride? As soon as you are sorted you have an expectation to live up to. Gryffindors must be brave, Ravenclaws must be brilliant. It's a lot of pressure to put upon a child, even a magical child. Perhaps especially a magical child."

"I always knew I would be in Slytherin," Draco argued. "My entire family has been in Slytherin."

"Sirius's entire family, your family, was in Slytherin, but he didn't bat an eye to be put in Gryffindor," Hermione countered. "Didn't it bother you that you had an expectation to fulfill that you were not even old enough to comprehend?"

Draco had the feeling Hermione was not talking about houses anymore as a memory began playing before them. Severus and Dumbledore were in Dumbledore's office and Dumbledore barely looked conscious. Draco cringed when he noticed Dumbledore's charred hand dangling lifelessly over the armrest of the chair he was sagging in.

Why, whydid you put on that ring? It carries a curse, surely you realized that. Why even touch it?

I...was a fool. Sorely tempted.

Tempted by what? It is a miracle you managed to return here! That ring carried a curse of extraordinary power, to contain it is all we can hope for; I have trapped the curse in one hand for the time being-

You have done very well, Severus. How long do you think I have?

I cannot tell. Maybe a year. There is no halting such a spell forever. It will spread eventually, it is the sort of curse that strengthens over time

Draco looked at Hermione. "You said he was already dying," Draco didn't phrase it as a question.

Hermione nodded. "He knew he wasn't meant to see the end of the war. Watch, this is important."

The memory Dumbledore seemed to accept the news of his demise in stride, and addressed the memory Snape once again.

Well, really, this makes matters much more straightforward. I refer to the plan Lord Voldemort is revolving around me. His plan to have the poor Malfoy boy murder me.

Draco looked again to Hermione, but she made a gesture with her finger to her lips and then a shooing motion to make him turn his attention back to the scene at hand. Snape was now responding to Dumbledore's surprising statement.

The Dark Lord does not expect Draco to succeed. This is merely punishment for Lucius's recent failures. Slow torture for Draco's parents, while they watch him fail and pay the price.

In short, the boy has had a death sentence pronounced upon him as surely as I have. Now, I should have thought the natural successor to the job, once Draco fails, is yourself?

That, I think, is the Dark Lord's plan.

Lord Voldemort foresees a moment in the near future when he will not need a spy at Hogwarts?

He believes the school will soon be in his grasp, yes.

And if it does fall into his grasp, I have your word that you will do all in your power to protect the students at Hogwarts?

Draco couldn't take it. "How can he be so nonchalant about this?" He demanded of Hermione. "He's discussing his own death as though they are tea plans for next Tuesday!"

"He told Harry once to not pity the dead," Hermione responded. "And that to a well organized mind, death is but the next great adventure. He didn't fear death, he wasn't afraid."

"How can you not fear death?" Draco demanded. "It's exactly what we are supposed to fear most in life."

"Not really," Hermione said softly. "There are many things worse than dying yourself. Losing loved ones before their time to death, betraying friends, living without love...there are many things I would gladly accept death over, wouldn't you?"

Draco turned over what Hermione said for a moment, wondering if she wasn't right. He would gladly die in his mother's place, he was sure. His father maybe, not that it mattered now, but perhaps. He stared unabashedly at Hermione and wondered if he could die for her, if he would if it came down to her life or his. His own realization surprised him.

"Why didn't you three tell the court Dumbledore was already dying?" Draco demanded instead of exploring his epiphany.

"It was irrelevant," Hermione shrugged. "He knew he was going to have to die to protect you and protect the school, one way or another. He was ready for it."

"It was relevant to me!" Draco was confused, wondering if the guilt he'd carried with him since that night had been for naught. "Do you know how often I've replayed that memory until I had to bury it in some dark hole in my mind? Do you understand how long it has been festering there?"

"Yes," Hermione said simply. "Why in Merlin's name would I risk upsetting Harry by asking him to borrow the only real memories he has of his mother? You have to understand, Draco. These are precious, so precious. I took a great gamble showing them to you because you needed this closure as much as I needed to see that room."

Dumbledore was still speaking when Draco forced his attention back to the memory, they were still speaking about him.

Ultimately, of course, there is only one thing to be done if we are to save him from Lord Voldemort's wrath.

Are you intending to let him kill you?

Certainly not. You must kill me.

Would you like me to do it now? Or would you like a few moments to compose an epitaph?

Oh, not quite yet. I daresay the moment will present itself in due course. Given what has happened tonight, we can be sure that it will happen within a year.

If you don't mind dying why not let Draco do it?

That boy's soul is not yet so damaged. I would not have it ripped apart on my account.

And my soul, Dumbledore? Mine?

You alone know whether it will harm your soul to help an old man avoid pain and humiliation, I ask this one great favor of you, Severus, because death is coming for me as surely as the Chudley Cannons will finish bottom of this year's league. I confess I should prefer a quick, painless exit to the protracted and messy affair it will be if, for instance, Greyback is involved. I hear Voldemort has recruited him? Or dear Bellatrix, who likes to play with her food before she eats it.

Draco could barely watch as his former mentor nodded.

Thank you, Severus...

Draco was as close to tears as he could remember. Perhaps that day in the bathroom, when Potter caught him nearly sobbing? Draco was relieved that day to funnel that ache in his heart into something he could control, rage was easy. But the memories would not let up. The scene left and came back again, several months later in the same room. The memory Snape was obviously agitated and the memory Dumbledore was more intense than Draco ever remembered the Headmaster being in life.

Now listen closely, Severus. There will come a time - after my death - do not argue, do not interrupt! There will come a time when Lord Voldemort will seem to fear for the life of his snake.

For Nagini?

Precisely. If there comes a time when Lord Voldemort stops sending that snake forth to do his bidding, but keeps it safe beside him under magical protection, then, I think, it will be safe to tell Harry.

Tell him what?

Draco felt like he was in a trance, listening to the words that came from the former Headmaster. He was so focused on the meaning that he lost some of the words.

Tell him that on the night Lord Voldemort tried to kill him, when Lily cast her own life between them as a shield, the Killing Curse rebounded upon Lord Voldemort...and while that fragment of soul, unmissed by Voldemort, remains attached to and protected by Harry, Lord Voldemort cannot die.

So the boy...the boy must die?

And Voldemort himself must do it, Severus. That is essential.

I thought, all those years, that we were protecting him for her. For Lily.

Draco's head spun. None of this, nothing he was absorbing had been part of the trials. None of this was public knowledge.

You have kept him alive so that he can die at the right moment?

Don't be shocked, Severus. How many men and women have you watched die?

Lately, only those whom I could not save. You have used me.

Meaning?

I have spied for you and lied for you, put myself in mortal danger for you. Everything was supposed to be to keep Lily Potter's son safe. Now you tell me you have been raising him like a pig for slaughter?

But this is touching, Severus. Have you grown to care for the boy, after all?

For the boy? Expecto Patronum!

Hermione and Draco watched as the silver doe erupted out of the end of Severus's wand and bounded through the office, finally flying out the open window.

"Lily's Patronus," Hermione clarified in barely a whisper.

After all this time?

Always.

Hermione pulled them back from the memory then, both of them barely holding themselves together.

"Well," Hermione said weakly. "That's it."

"It looked like there was more to come," Draco said.

"There was," Hermione admitted. "But it was more for Harry. Severus helped us while we were on the run, but I wanted to show you the things that pertained to you."

"I don't understand," Draco confessed.

"What?" Hermione didn't comprehend.

"Why isn't any of this public knowledge?" Draco asked. This sort of story is the thing the Prophet would have swooned over."

Hermione grimaced. "Harry has a certain apathy for the Prophet, and most news sources in general. Not without reason, obviously. They treated him terribly throughout his Hogwarts years and were too cowardly to report the right story. Honestly Harry didn't feel they, or the public at large, deserved to know the whole truth. These memories are private."

"I only realized when he said it," Draco began absent-mindedly. "It never occurred to me that Snape never said M- that word."

"I'd wager he never said it after that day," Hermione mused. "Look at what he lost."

"Do you think they would have ended up together?" Draco asked. "Snape and Lily?"

"I don't know," Hermione confessed. "Harry and I discussed it at length, which was probably startling for him. If they had, Harry might never have been born. I think it's possible, certainly, for their friendship to manifest into something more, it was obviously something more to Severus. I don't know," Hermione said again. "Maybe they would have been together and took each other for granted like Ron and I did, maybe they were only always meant to be friends. Memories are too easily used to fall into the what-ifs. What if Severus never heard the Prophecy? Or if he did, what if he never relayed it to Voldemort? Perhaps Voldemort never would have gone after Harry, never killed Lily. On the other side of that, perhaps he would have eventually beat down his opposition and Harry would have never known his destiny. I think the world is a better place because Lily and Severus lived, and that's something I can fall asleep with at night."

Draco threw back the rest of the wine in his glass and poured the rest of the bottle between the two of them. Hermione smiled up at him gratefully and swallowed a few mouthfuls before asking for more. Draco readily complied and they stood there in silence for a moment, the time passing in a pleasant sort of companionship that they never felt before.

"Granger," Draco finally broke the silence with an air of uncertainty. "Earlier, in the room, you said-"

"I think I love you," Hermione finished, looking at her glass and then glancing around the room, unsure of what to do with her own body. Her gaze finally settled on a a fainting-style couch and she walked over and sat down carefully, sipping her wine.

Draco cautiously joined her, waiting for her to indicate if she wanted space. She didn't object, so he sat down beside her.

"You didn't let me say anything," Draco said gently. He marveled he still had any composure left.

"I didn't want you to feel obligated," Hermione said again. "And I don't...I don't know what it is I feel. I'm highly logical, probably to a fault. I have a hard time refraining from compartmentalized my emotions. I know that this...relationship we've been building has a foundation of sand. I came out of the Battle last May not sure of anything anymore except that we won and life would be better for everyone, except it wasn't. Not for me. I wasn't sleeping. Harry had to, quite literally, force Dreamless Sleep down my throat on more than one occasion. I was terrified of my own shadow. I would sooner curse someone who tried to say hello to me rather than smile at them. I was manic. I was depressed. I didn't know who I was anymore until you somehow managed to bring me out of it. I never realized, but the pain of war is nothing, nothing compared to the aftermath. We still don't know what or who is causing the Maliceptor but right now I don't care. I'm glad you bargained with me to come here for a whole week because I could never take the initiative to skip an entire week of classes. I'm Hermione Granger, and sometimes it's exhausting."

"You need to cut the woe-is-me shit, Granger," Draco told her, but not unkindly. In fact, the corner of his mouth turned up a little as he said it. "I think you said it best already, we survived, we should remember that. I was angry when I was told I had to come back to Hogwarts, I was furious," Draco narrowed his eyes and remembered that hatred he felt when he saw Hermione again. "I loathed your self-righteous attitude. I hated seeing you every single day reminding me of that blood that wasn't brown. I told you I was so close to seeing my life thrown away, but then you, of all people, snatched it up in the court room and then proceeded to parade about with it- don't interrupt, I know that's not really what you were doing, but that's what I felt. The rage was blissful after years of not daring to truly feel anything. The anger was the most powerful feeling I thought I could muster until it was replaced with something I can't even describe. Lust? That quick fit of total panic when I saw you beginning to fall down those stairs leading up to the Owlry? It was like my life flashed and I was once again seeing myself in shackles, only this time paying for a crime I didn't commit. But you know the truth? I didn't want to see any more of your blood spilled, not in my presence. Not if I could do anything in my power to stop it."

"I told you we were broken," Hermione said with a sad smile. "Broken people, in that common room with others like ourselves. Some of them lived through the real horror, like Neville, but at the end of the day we truly know nothing about one another. It's like we're all this strange, displaced generation of people that sort of haphazardly run into walls in hopes that they eventually find the path they're looking for."

"Granger?"

"Hmm?"

I'm tired," Draco said as he casually discarded his glass at his side and gently grasped the back of her neck to pull her close. He kissed her along the jaw line until his mouth was so close she felt his lips on hers when he continued speaking. "I'm tired of running into walls. Let's just choose to not be broken anymore."

(A/N) Ah! Okay. I sat on this chapter for about a day because I didn't like the original ending I had. This one is a little better, I think. I cranked this out pretty fast, but I'm not sure I'm going to be able to keep it up. Sadly I have obligations that are nowhere near as fun as writing Dramione but alas, adulthood is what it is ;) I think I have an idea the direction the next chapter is ging to take, and if you want the idea just read the last couple lines :) I hope that Hermione and Draco are still in believable character, it's getting REALLY tricky but also a lot of fun. That's it for the major memories, we might play with the Pensieve later but no concrete plans as of yet. PLEASE let me know what you think! Any feedback is greatly appreciated or drop me a line on Tumblr. Until next time!